Marriage at Risk!! Help??

Are there reasons that your husband accepted this job? Does it offer better benefits or pay, or a chance to use his skills or training? Is it in an area where people in his field find great job security? Or, is he a city bus driver in, say, Los Angeles, who just decided on a whim to get a job as a city bus driver in Orlando, for no raise in pay, no changes in benefits, nothing other than "hmmm, think I'll move us all to a new city, just for kicks".

We have moved to a small village in Italy. We spoke no Italian, we knew no one, and on the second day in our apartment where I couldn't even figure out how the dishwasher opened never mind operated, my husband had to fly to Germany. He left me and our 2 young kids for several days, literally alone on the entire continent. He was assigned to a NATO squadron, so we weren't on an American military base.

Then several years later we moved to a small third world island, where again, there weren't American facilities. It was nearly impossible to leave the island (one small flight to Florida a couple of times a week) and we actually didn't leave for almost 3 years.

Now, we're on the island of Oahu, in Honolulu. Talk about far away! We didn't know anyone here, either. And our adult daughter is with us, and she is medically disabled. I'm her driver, appointment minder, medication manager, and basic care giver. My husband works long, long hours (but he's helping to protect our country!).

If your husband accepted this job for good reasons, then the common ground is your family: you and your husband and your children. Do whatever is needed to strengthen that common ground.

If your husband just picked a meaningless job just because he was sick of the pizza where you live, then you two have some discussions to have.

You can raise your kids without help. Many of us do. Don't think of it as being made to stay with your kids. That's a blessing. You'll meet other parents at parks, at churches, at schools, at the stores. There are almost always other people to socialize with, other than Antarctica.

Moving to strange places has given our kids a lot of resilience and creativity. But you have to be willing to face new places and new people. Don't forget that your family needs your strength. Common ground.

I know the thought of moving far away is scary. But stop and take a deep breath.

My husband accepted a promotion that required us to move from Ohio to Alaska. Talk about a big move! I was scared too. We moved away from all our family and friends. We didn't know a soul in Alaska. The cost of living is much higher in Alaska. Housing alone is double what we were paying in Ohio. Flights in and out of Alaska are outrageous. I understand all your concerns.

But let me tell you, looking back as we have been here 5 years now, moving here was the best decision we ever made. I found an amazing job that I love. Cost of living is higher, but so are wages so it works out. We have made great friends that have become like family to us. The scenery is beautiful. We have flown back home to visit and family has come here to visit. We absolutely love our life here and have no plans to ever leave. Moving can be scary. It's a leap of faith. But it can also be the best thing to happen to you. Don't live your life in fear. Make an adventure out of it. Good luck whatever you decide to do.

His plan is to take you and the kids with him, right?
This brings up so many questions!
Is the new job a promotion for him?
He'll be making more money?
What about where you are moving to?
What is the difference in the standard of living between where you are now and where you are going?
Is housing more or less expensive?
Look up the schools on GreatSchools.com
Look up schools for you too - and see if your credits transfer.
If he's making more money then he can pay for daycare and your school too.
You can also get a new job.

Lot's of people can't afford airfare.
You drive.
Think of it as 'the Great American Road Trip'.

Will he move out there ahead of you and scout out housing?
Will you go with him now or wait for school to finish and move over the summer?

Anyone who's been in a military family will know a lot about this - they pick up and move every few years - sometimes around the world.
People often move to where the jobs are.
My husband and I both had to leave the area we grew up in because there was no work.
You learn to be independent and self sufficient.
While you miss things/people from where you came from - you find new things/friends to love in your new home town.

When our children were 6 and 9, my husband talked about accepting a great job with a great company in the Middle East. I came home the next day from shopping and there was a For Sale sign in the front yard. He had accepted the job and thought it was all set with me. While he had to leave within the month, he left me with a house, car and furniture to sell in addition to getting the 6 year old thru a tonsillectomy before we left to join him. Ut It took me three months to get it all situated and for us to join him, but I did it. You do what you have to do and mothers really have to make it work.

We moved to the other side of the world where everything was different...language, culture, clothing, religion, etc. Even something as simple as getting food on the table was a daily challenge. I had to pasteurize ALL the milk, freeze meat for 9 days before cooking it thoroughly, (or you get round worms) and make my own mayonnaise, pickles and brown sugar in addition to living in an insulated freezing adobe-type house. We did that for four years. If we wanted chicken for dinner, it came dead without feathers, otherwise intact. Beef was cut from a carcass hanging outside covered in flies. Plus I worked, too.

I realize you are not pleased about what is going to happen, but you can do it. Show your husband how strong you are and look on it as a grand adventure. This might be the breakout move you need.

the right and wrong are shared. it's a stressful situation and neither of you are handling it particularly well.

i hope you both stop looking for blame and praise, and remember that it's not just the potential move that will impact your children, it's how you handle this.

i too would be extremely unhappy if my husband made a decision like this without us coming to some sort of accord about it. is he always this high-handed? did he make a unilateral decision because he figured a fight was inevitable so it might as well be over a done deal? is there space to retreat from this decision if you were both able to come to an agreement that it's a bad idea? are you open to the possibility that he made a good decision even if he did it poorly?

i have limited sympathy for 'help with our children.' i mean, it's nice and all, but many of us raise our children just fine without being so reliant on outside help that we're chained to one place.

moving is always stressful, but your attitude can make or break it. instead of allowing yourself to succumb to anxiety attacks you are actually capable of viewing it as a grand adventure, and presenting it to your kids thus. it's a shame for them that if this IS a done deal they're not getting to experience the excitement and anticipation of grand new start in a fantastic new place.

small cities are often meccas of awesome things to do. have you checked out the museums, parks, theaters, restaurants, schools and places of interest? have you googled things to do, groups to join, made an effort to reach out to the mothers' groups, scouts, ballet or horseback riding or baseball or stamp collecting or geocaching or whatever your kids are into groups?

your current job paying for your education is huge. what are the prospects for your work once you get your next degree, and will it offset whatever your husband is going to make at this new job? have you weighed these pros with whatever pros your husband's new job provides?

your perception that your husband's new job will 'make you stay in with your children' is skewed and troubling. okay, not every mother enjoys spending time with their kids, i get that, but your husband's absence from being physically in the house does not bind you there. the only thing stopping you from going out and having adventures is your attitude about it. and the lovely thing is that going out and having adventures puts you in the company of other exciting, interesting, adventurous families with whom you can bond.

and sometimes your kids will go with them and you won't be stuck with your kids. nor will you be 'with no one out there to be with.'

there is a world beyond the comfort zone you've created for yourself. i know this is scary and unsettling for some, but fear and anxiety are poor legacies to pass on to one's children.

perhaps if you sit down with your husband and have a thoughtful pro and con discussion the outcome will be to stay put. i hope for all of your sakes that if this happens, it does so through thoughtfulness, not reactivity and fear.

good luck to you.
khairete
S.

There is no "right or wrong" and if you base your marital issues on who's right and who's wrong I see trouble.

Sounds to me like a big communication problem between you two.

I also pick up that you like where you are and aren't interested in change.

You got great responses below from people who took that step and made changes that likely ended up being the best thing they did!

Yes change is scary but you adjust and grow.

We moved a plane ticket away from everyone back in 1989 and it was perfect!

Look at it as an adventure and opportunity to grow for you and your family.

In the meantime... you might talk to a counselor so you can sharpen your communication skills with your husband.

I don't understand some of this - like what does airfare have to do with this? Why would you think you'd be home with children with no friends and no job? Are you saying you have a big family who provides child care now? Then you can find plenty of help, between day care and babysitters and nannies. Why couldn't you make friends there, through kids' activities, a job, a gym, a neighborhood association, the Y, the library, and more? How did you get settled in your current town where you feel secure? Did you grow up there and have never moved?

What I do understand is that he has accepted an offer without, apparently, fully considering your point of view, and you seem to feel dismissed by him. That's a big problem in your marriage. Did he look into housing, schools, and all the other things a family would need to make a good home? Or did he just take the offer based on the job itself, and leave you to do the other stuff?

If he is normally inconsiderate and dismissive, marriage counseling is in order. If you normally have anxiety attacks and cannot handle changes, that's a problem as well, and counseling is in order. If you can't agree, counseling is in order. It's not a question of who's right and who's wrong, but of how you two manage major life decisions.

What concerns me greatly is that your children are being raised in a home full of tension and anxiety, and there is no way to make this move a successful one if they are worried about relatives, friends, their father's attitude, and their mother's anxiety. But if you don't move and if your husband gives up this opportunity, there will still be tension and anxiety in the home, so you have to address this no matter whether you go or stay.

This is difficult to answer because we don't know what your marriage was like BEFORE this happened. Was it common to compromise on large issues or was it already on the rocks?

In a way, this was us about 10 years ago, except I was the one who made the decision to move. Not for a job, but to a small town with an extremely low cost of living because our two special needs kids and their extremely high expenses and need for constant supervision. It was a risky move - we didn't know a soul, moved away from family, I was going to have to convince my clients that I could telecommute instead of coming into their offices to work. Worst of all, just a month after I made the decision, my husband was promoted to a job he had wanted for years and had to reject it. It was a tough situation for everyone involved.

Looking back, for us, this was the best move we could have possibly made. A large part of that was due to the fact that we MADE it work. We didn't consider failure to be an option. Our attitude is what really made this a positive experience for us and our kids - especially the first year, which was the hardest.

Only YOU can put your marriage at risk - not moving or job changes or anything else. You have to decide if you can put your marriage before everything else. I can't imagine my life without my husband - it really doesn't matter where we live, the size of the town or anything else. I don't say these things because I think my husband is the "boss" as clearly our move was predicated by me. I say them because my husband said the exact same thing to himself 10 years ago - when I decided we needed to move where we are living now.

Which is it for you? Your marriage or your need to stay where you are?

This job might be a good move and things could be great for all of you in the new place.

However, if my husband *unilaterally* decided that he was taking a job across the country and then *declared* to me that 'we' were going to move, my response would be No

My husband is not allowed to make life-changing decisions for our family without my equal input and consent. Likewise, I would not do that to him. That is so disrespectful and unloving.

Your marriage certainly is at risk, for good reason.

Your wording makes it sound like you feel you do not have a choice. You do. You have a job, you have school, you have a support network for the kids. You have a lot of reasons to say No if you feel not moving is the best choice. End of the marriage? Maybe. What you two need is a marriage counselor to help pull all this apart and put it back together again so that the both of you can decide together how things are going to be going forward.

If he won't agree and doesn't think there is a problem, that you should hush up and follow him, you have your answer about the future.

People move all the time. I think you and your hubby need to sit down and list the pros and cons of the new area and figure it out. It sounds like you are having an anxiety attack because you are a planner who is in her comfort zone right now with how things are and are paniced about change. Change is frightening or an adventure depending on how you think about it.

I'm confused. Why can't you raise your children on your own? Why do you need "help"? What's WRONG with being around your children all the time? Is that a problem??

Why did your husband take the role? Was it because it's a step up? Better benefits, what was his reason for accepting it?

You need to breathe. There is NO RIGHT AND WRONG here. IF you can't stand with your kids "all the time"? then you have a problem.

What does airfare have to do with all this? People to come visit? that's on THEM. Not on you.

You need a marriage counselor STAT. You need to learn how to communicate with each other. LIKE ADULTS and not whining.

Will your current position allow to work remotely?
IF you leave will you owe them money for your education?
Can you complete your education on-line?

Common ground is doing what is best for your family.

I would feel very upset if my husband had made a decision that affected our lives and that I did not agree on.

When we have not agreed on things - we decided to wait on it. We felt that the right answer for us would come to us, over time. It always has.

I guess in your situation maybe you couldn't wait. Promotions or moves can't always wait. Then you've got that urgency to it as well - which might have prompted your anxiety. That's really rough and I feel for you.

I think you need to see a counsellor - promptly. If you were my friend or sister, I would suggest that. This has to be very hard on you.

It's a done deal now - so no point in focussing on the negative. You need to move forward. There are going to be a lot of positives - and you need to focus on those. To do so, you need to be in a positive place. That's why a counsellor can help you. Also, I think you probably have a lot of negative feelings towards your husband right now - understandable. You need help handling those.

If he can go to counseling - that would be great, but you go first.

Moves can be good - they are what you make of them, as the women below have shared. Best to you. I hope you can feel better about it.