Marriage and Previous Family!

Perhaps you can explain to him gently that his 2.5 year old really wants a relationship with her half sister. Tell him that the 8 year old won't be able to blend with the family if she is always viewed as separate from the family.

Also, explain to him how much his 2.5 year old needs his attention when the older sister isn't around. She is old enough to go to the park, library, kids movies all on little daddy daughter date with just her and her dad.

Some of my fondest memories growing up was with those 'date's.

Stepchildren are always a difficult situation - that is why it is the subject of so many Lifetime movies!
My guess is probably it is an issue of age. Many men do not know how to interact well with younger children - they are much more comfortable generally once they get to school age or above. I bet he loves all the children equally, it is probably just much easier for him to find things to do with the older child.
Perhaps you can discuss it with him, and suggest that you come up with ideas for him to do with the 2.5 year old. Here is Susie's favorite book, Daddy would you read it to her? Susie was playing catch so well today, maybe you can throw the ball around with her too!
The same thing may be the best approach for the 8 year old too - put her in a position of power, a true "older sister" role - I heard you are a great reader - "Susie would love to have you read some of her books to her!" " Susie is too little to get the clothes on her doll, can you help her dress it?" "I was able to get the dishes done while you were reading to Susie, you are such a big help!!" Instead of feeling like she is in competition with her little sister, maybe that will help her feel like a valuable asset to the whole family.

I guess readers would ask, how often does the 8 y/o get to see her dad ? Maybe suggest to your husband that he do something just the two of them together THEN later on that day do something including everyone. There is quite an age difference between the two girls.If you were 8 y/o you probably wouldn't be interested playing with a 2 y/o... instead spending time with the dad that you don't live with. Your husband should make a better effort with the 2.5 y/o but probably doesn't feel that he should have to considering that he lives with her. You should relax... maybe you should invite the 8 y/o to do something like a "girls day" . Your husband would probably appreciate that and it could help the relationship overall.

if your husband considers and treats the 8 year old as separate from the family, then there will be no relationships between you, the 8 year old, and your two kids. none. the 8 year old will think of herself as an only child, dad will treat her as such, and that is unfair to you, and your children. you paint a clear picture to your husband of what the future holds if the attitude doesn't change. your kids are young now, and do not understand, what they understand is this person comes once in a while and when she's over she has all dad's attention. they will not like her for that. they will grow not appreciating her presence. on the other hand, the 8 year old will grow up thinking the two worlds are separate, and think of herself as an only child. can you see how this will continue getting more messed up?
try to get your husband to understand she needs to make his daughter a part of the family, which means do family things together as if she were a child of both of you.

There were some helpful responses to this question. But, I didn't see many responses which encouraged you to get some outside help-counseling, a social worker, a pastor or other religious person, therapy, etc. Your family needs it in order to stay together. Please don't try to solve this issue(s) on your own. Best of luck!

I'm guessing that your husband feels pretty guilty not being able to be a part of his 8 yr olds daily life. This may be his way of trying to make up for it. As for how she treats the 2.5 yo, pretty normal, if you ask me. Siblings can be pretty mean to each other. Not that you and your husband should let it slide completely . There should be respect for everyone in the family. You guys should all be on the same team. I think a little counseling with you and your husband would help. Also you two with the 8 yo. She probably feels insecure about Daddy having a new family, too. It's a complicated and difficult situation, but it can work with the right attitude from all. Try to remember she's only 8. She needs adult guidance , probably mostly from Dad, about how to properly speak to you with respect and treat her younger siblings right. Good luck, talk with your husband, try counseling.

I do agree that your husband needs to be the one stepping up and trying to "blend" the family so that no matter who is around, each and every one of you feels important and respected. Your husband is calling you jealous, and what gets me is that you have a right to be, because you want your children to feel just as loved and wanted as his other daughter when she's over. It's not even jealousy on your part I don't think it's just you feeling hurt for the way your children are being made feel. I wonder if your husband feels some kind of guilt on his part with his other daughter? The fact that he's not there for her as much, or maybe he's afraid she will be "angry" at him for "having a new family" and he's afraid she will feel left out so he focuses solely on her ? The fact is they are all his children, you are all his family, and he needs to treat you all as such, no more of this "she's my daughter from my previous marriage"...she was his daughter then as she is very much his daughter now in this marriage and he needs to understand that.

I feel very sorry for you! I am sure the wife #1 and the 8 y/o are getting the upper hand in this situation. The ex-wife gets the day off while her daughter makes your life miserable over the weekend.
It's tought, I agree. I know how it feels when the older child is ignoring the little one. The little ones are just so innocent and trusting anyone, especialy the older sibling. DO NOT let them work it out themselves! What a fullish idea! You need to step in and tell the 8 y/o she is inapropriate. Hey, I do it all the time with my boys, what's the difference when it comes to your girls? Tell your husband he cannot let the 8 y/o do whatever she wants in YOUR house. Also explain to him that his other children need attention too.
Yeah, the 8y/o old does not get to see daddy too often, but it is not your fault mommy and daddy decided to divorse, right? And sertainly not your childrens' fault. So make your husband see the situation from your point and do step in and make rules. You let her be the boss now - later will be even more difficult to deal with her.
Good luck!

I think this is horrible...I would not want my baby ignored not matter who comes over....Try talking to the hubby before the step-daughter comes over. Maybe try it while having dinner or just kinda of bring it up and explain to him how his 2yr old feels. Bring to his attention that he only spends time with the 2 yr. old , when her sister is over. May a point to suggest that he spend some one-one time with the 2 yr old.

He is really spending this time with the 8yr old, because he feel gilty, that he does not live with her. So he thinks everything she does and says is OK, and he does not want to discipline her.

My husband tried the same thing. When his daughter came to visit, he would let her do whatever she wanted, but if my son did something similar he would be ready to punished. But I stepped right in and explain to him, that it was not right or fair. More importantly children can tell when they are being treated differently and sometime start to act out. Bottom line, I would let him know, that you are NOT going to allow him or anyone treat your daughter unfairly. Good Luck.

TR, When I read your question, I immediately had to forward it to my sister (who is walking in your shoes) and asked her if she can reply. This is her response:
I am very sorry for the situation you are in. I am currently in a blended family and have issues that aren’t too far from your own. First and foremost you must talk with your husband, a united front in front of the children at most times is absolutely necessary for a happy blended home. When the second children finds out their actions can drive a wedge, they will be all over it (especially children from different birth parents).

First, tell your husband that you understand his commitment to his 8 year old daughter and love and respect him for his dedication. The only thing you wish to do is open your heart and home so she feels that she is an important part of the “New Family” which means that no one gets excluded because of her presence in the home.

Each of you should take turns picking the weekends activities that everybody can enjoy together. If your husband wants to spend one on one time bonding with his 8 year old he should also commit to spending an equal amount of 1 on 1 quality time with each of his other children per week when he can fit the time in. Let’s say he takes Ms Queen to the mall for 2 hours he should then plan on taking a younger child to the park for 2 hours later in the week when time permits or 2 hours of 1 on 1 story or movie time to make each child feel valued and special.

Children who live in the home oftentimes get overlooked in the hustle and bustle of daily living and in the mix of: get up, get dressed, brush your teeth, clean your plate, finish your milk, feed the fish, do your homework, go to bed. It is therefore more painful to have someone from outside the home come in and instantly be treated like a queen above reproach.

It is demeaning to all of those in 2nd 3rd and 4th place in your husband’s life when she is present. It also doesn’t teach his 8 year old about how successful loving families work together and resolve conflict it just shows how far you can get on a guilt trip (because his previous marriage didn’t work). A daughter will learn how to be loved by her future husband by watching how her father loves and respects his wife.

Trust me when I say that leaving these issues unresolved will not get easier with time it will drive a wedge of bitterness that will continue to grow until all of your children suffer. If Ms Queen comes over every weekend make it a family affair have everybody discuss things they would like to do as a family (within reason as I myself would choose dusting, sweeping and picking weeds in the yard together but I digress) the adults can pick things like cooking dinner and lunch together, everybody put their 3 or 4 “acceptable” suggestions into a hat and have the Queen pick them out one at a time. It can be as simple as a board game, or the entire family help to bake cookies or make a pizza together, or clean up a meal together, some will be more fun than others. This will show that everybody big and small is equal, and has a say in how family time is spent. And believe it or not, some of the most enjoyable times with my blended family were spent working together with a common goal like in the yard doing huge tedious gardening/landscaping projects everybody pitched in until the project was completed and we all went for ice cream cones after as a treat for the hard work.

As for the Queen dictating how and when her toys are being played with to a certain extent the big will always bully the littler just a tad it’s a right of passage, but there’s nothing wrong with saying “if you have no intention of sharing a toy it is probably best it not be brought into the house with the sole intent of aggravating the younger kids” (within reason of course i.e. a digital camera, cell phone, lap top, does not get handed to a 5 year old to play with just because someone brought one into the house). You will be the better judge but if it’s just her dictating a maximum 30 minute time limit on your child’s play understand that it may not be enjoyable to your child, but it is a useful learning experience and you can say “Oh I’m sorry you can’t play with her Barbie any more, but from this you can learn how to better treat your friends and family with your toys.” You may even suggest everybody bring and read their favorite book.

One thing I would be very cautious of is your husband demeaning you and your hurt feelings about this situation. Although he may feel like he is stuck and must hurt one to truly love another calling you jealous and other silly names just serves to make light of a very serious situation and to have it repeated by Ms Queen was completely disrespectful.

To quote Beverly Sills “THERE ARE NO SHORTCUTS TO ANY PLACE WORTH GOING.”

I hope this helps and wish you nothing but the best!

Welcome to the club. It sucks. It's called the Blended Family Club. I am a mother to a 7-year-old and an 11-year-old stepson whose life I've been in since he was 18 months. It took my husband almost 6 years to understand that he had to be his son's father, not his best friend. It sounds like what your husband is doing is trying to be his daughter's best friend and trying to make sure she wants to come to see daddy by making it "perfect" for her. But in the process he is making life difficult for the rest of your family.

I would suggest that you have a sit down with him and a glass of wine. Let him know that you love his daughter and would like the opportunity to get to know her as your daughter. When you married him, you had to accept both him and his kid into your life, but they have not seemed to accept you into theirs. When his daughter is around, your family is no longer. It is just him and her. That is not a healthy way to blend a family together, and it's not your fault. It is his and if he doesn't wake up and smell the roses, he could lose the most important part of his life, then he'll only see his other two children on his days off. Then what would he do? Can't ignore them then.

And, yes, there are things that older kids can do that littler ones cannot, but going to the park is not one of them. Maybe he can do something exclusive with her during nap time or something so the other's won't feel left out. But with him excluding your 2.5 year-old, he is showing her that she's not as important or part of his family. She is like his favorite toy that he finds once in a while and he is selfishly keeping her to himself. But he is not just hurting you and your other two kids, but in the end he may be hurting her too because she will grow up never knowing her siblings because Daddy kept them separate.

I feel for you. I have been in the same situation as you and it is just now starting to smooth out after 10 years together. Being a step-parent is THE HARDEST job in the world and it takes special people to do it. You are special and I wish you the best of luck. Feel free to contact me if you'd like.

I don't know. I feel like your husband is doing the right thing. There are SOOOO many dads that don't get involved enough. Be grateful that your husband is trying. He probably feels torn and is doing what he thinks he needs to to be there for his daughter. I imagine that he is judged for anything he does and how he handles his situation.

He does need to consider your feelings on the subject but perhaps you need to try another approach so he doesn't feel like you are just acting out of jealousy. His first daugher will most likely have a lot of self esteem issues and your husband needs to cater to that to a certain degree.

Maybe you should offer a compromise. Start small, ask him to consider that one visit a month the "family" enjoy the visit together. Ask him to let his first daughter to choose something that would be fun for the entire family to do and plan it out a few weeks out. Let the excitement build for her and slowly maybe she will choose naturally to play with her new siblings rather than feel forced to.

Being in a blended family is more difficult then I imagined. I think you should try spending some time with your (I hate the term step) 8yo when your husband is not around. Maybe try to have her help you with your 2 other little ones. Also, you should try spending alone time with the 8yo while your hubby is with your other 2. Bonding time for you and her is just as important to you as well as it if for him. Its not about the 2 of them or the 3 of you its about the 5 of you. Being in a similiar situation I sent this to my husband and here was his response:
Look at it from every persons angle. Hers, His, The step-child and the little ones. 4 vastly different perspectives on the same issue. He does need to include everyone in all that they do but if their situation is like ours his time with the 8 y.o. is limited and I know that part is gut-wrenching. She didn’t really speak about her relationship with the 8 y.o. and I would be interested in how good or bad that relationship is. Is the 8 y.o. a stepchild or a full-time part of the family who just happens to not be there all the time. Plan family events for all to participate in. Include everyone in the individual things that each child is doing.

I hope this helps you. As far as my situation I think we are going to be going to marriage counseling in the near future. Feel free to contact me if you need to vent. Good Luck

I can see this from both perspectives. Your husband probably feels guilty that he can not spend as much time with his older daughter and wants to give her his undivided attention for the limited time he gets.

As far as the ignoring - my first reaction is to say "if you don't want to have fun with your sister, or even talk to her, then we'll go do something fun on our own." Then turn to your 2.5 year old and say "Let's so get some ice cream" or whatever else would be desirable for the 8 year old - then leave and do it without her. She seems to determine the mood of the house, and if you decide to have fun regardless of her, I think she'll come around. Plus, I think 8 years old is a yucky age anyway. They don't see outside of their own selves.

You and your husband need to have a respectful, calm heart-to-heart away from all the children about this. Let him know in advance you want to talk about it so he doesn't feel blindsided and so he can *maybe* come to the conversation with some thoughts of his own.

That's where I would start and see where it goes. I really hope it works out for you and your days with her become enjoyable instead of a dread. She may pick up on these negative feelings about her (or the situation) too......

First off, you need to put into perspective that you are dealing with an 8 yo. She is angry, feels left out, and probably does feel like you and your kids took her Dad away. She is 8, not 16. You are expecting her to understand what is going on, she doesn't get it. Plus, most 8 yo would not want to play with a 2 yo, and she feels jealous of the 2 yo. Your kids get Dad 24/7, she only gets to see dad a few days a week.

Now it does sound like your husband is acting like an 8 yo, I can't believe he just says you are jealous and doesn't acknowledge your feelings. He should listen to what you have to say. He should have special Daddy daughter days with all of his girls. One day he spends it wtih the 8 yo, the next he needs to take a day with his 2yo. He is a guy and he doesn't understand the dynamics of the sibling rivalry. I am not surprised that he said to let them work it out themselves, my husband would say the same thing, because he doesn't understand. Counseling might be a good idea, it always helps. I think all relationships need counseling at some point. Your husband probably is afraid to yell at his 8 yo when she is doing something wrong because he never gets to see her and feels guilty. That is something that he is going to need to work on, because it is not okay for his oldest to be rude and disrespectful. I wish you luck and talk to him about how you feel. Try not to turn it into a shouting match, because that is when the men shut you out. I know my husband does that to me when I start yelling at him, I try to always remember that and talk calmly and sincerely. We learned that from marriage counseling.

Also, arrange for a play date for your 2.5 year old when big sister is over. If you can't arrange a play date, then go do something fun with your children.

I get this feeling that both 8-year old and dad enjoy the power/control they have over your emotions. You've received excellent suggestions on how to handle things.

Best wishes that this all works out!

Sounds like it's time for a family therapist. Please don't let your heart hurt for much longer...don't allow your daughters feelings to be hurt by your husband anymore. He sets the tone and the rules...time for a therapist.

TR How do you get through this and not end up in divorce? It's simple, you decide what is important. Yes, spending time with all the children is important. But maybe he doesn't know how. Maybe you all need some strategies to work this out for a win-win-win-win-win-win-win situation (that's a win for everyone...even the ex!)

I think the more important question is why this 8 year old is running your house? When do you step up and take control of what happens in your home? When are you going to be the parent?

TR, make a decision as to what will happen in your home and stick with it. Stand up, be the mom (and yes the step mom is still the mom) and make it work. You decide the behaviours that will be allowed in your home.

B.
Family Success Coach

I think you guys should find a good marriage counselor. There seems to be a lot going on there. I am sure the 8 yr old has plenty of pain from the divorce and is likely jealous of her half siblings as they have dad full time and she may think that somehow they and you took him away. Your husband should be involved with all his kids and when you are over in your family home, it should be as a home with everyone interacting and playing together. Before your husband has divorce number 2, I would suggest finding a counselor. It really shouldn't be this hard. Good Luck.

I would try conseling first. Maybe an outsider can help you two come together. He does need to spen some quality time with his older daughter as well as time with them both. The age difference makes things difficult because there are not many things that they can enjoy together. I agree that a 2.5 year old should not ave to work things out with the 8 year old. Your husband is being very childish calling you jealous in front of his daughter. I don't know if talking to the ex will help, only you can make that call. Your husband needs to understand that both of his children need time alone with him as well as time together with him. Not all men are comfortable with 2.5 year olds but as a dad he has to step up and learn. If he can't understand that he is loosing his current family by treating you all like you are not around when his older daughter is there he is being selfish. If he refuses counseling you go so that you can figure out what is best for you and your daughter. Nobody should have to feel left out in their own home.