Marriage Advise

I would have left the first time he hit me. It concerns me that you say he hasn't hit you in "almost" a year but "other stuff" has happened?

If he "won't let you" get a different job, then he hasn't changed and counseling isn't working. He's still trying to control you. You need to leave him if you can. I'm so sorry you're in this situation.

This is just MY opinion...but I believe the first time he hit you, the marriage was over. You should leave now!!!!!! It sounds to me from what you wrote, he is controlling you and your life. He should not keep you from getting a job. Have your family help you with babysitting for a while so you can get a full time job elsewhere and stand on your own two feet. Your spouse should never lay a hand on you unless it is a loving hand. I am so glad you said your child comes first and would drop him instantly. That is exactly what you should do. Let your child see you are the strong one and can take up for yourself and be your child's hero. In my experience with abusers, if they will hit their spouse they will hit their child (whether it is his/her child or not).
When he goes to work, pack up and leave! Go to a shelter or to a family's house who can help you and protect you. Good Luck!

To Itsa.Secret, there is no need to critique the grammar and spelling. This woman is going through a hardship and is looking for advice no matter her spelling. On another note, if you want to get into a grammar lesson, you don't start a sentence off with AND.....just saying.
I cannot stand to see people being critiqued and criticized on their questions. Just leave your opinion and leave it at that.

I have a strict one strike and youre out rule.. meaning, if a man hits me (whether we're married or just dating).. its over. I would leave as soon as you can. Stay with your family if you can until you can get yourself back on your feet.

The fact that you say he "will not let you" get a different job says a lot. It is important for abusive men to maintain complete control of you so you are afraid to leave. You need to set up an escape plan even if you do want to stay. Keep some cash and all important documents (passports, birth certs, ect) at a friend or family member house. Know the numbers to the local shelter and police station. If he hits you again, you need to be ready to run. Until then, start trying to take back some control. Look for that job you want, and if he tells you no, let him know that he does not get to say no. That you will talk to him about it like two equal adults, but you are not a child and he does not get to control your life. I would do this is public just in case he gets overly mad. Please be careful, woman die every day at the hands of their husbands, and you just never know when an abusive man will cross that line.

Sweetie, it was over the first time he hit you. Can you reach out to your family? Go to a family member or a friend's house - TONIGHT. Oh, and don't look back...

I've been there - it will NOT get better.

Good luck to you and your child.

To Itsa.Secret: Really? You really think now is the time to give grammatical advice???

S., please consider much of the advice you have been given. I think you know in your heart that it's time to go. Please keep us posted.

I truly believe once a beater always a beater. Leave. I know it's tempting to receive help from a male friend. Don't move in with some guy. Do you really want to give your husband an excuse for his anger? I noticed you live in ellijay. Down by me (ball ground/canton) area there is a place for you to check out. www.bethanyplacehome.org this is a facility specifically for women and children in your position. They are a 18 month live in facility that offers counseling , job training ect for women with children escaping from and trying to move past abusive relationships. Please check them out. I think you can move past this. Good luck!

RED FLAGS!!!!
**"He hasn't hit me in almost a year"...and that's good??
**"He won't let me get one"...I'm sorry, WHAT? He won't LET you?

You send him my way, dear, and we'll have a conversation about what he does and doesn't GET to do.

Deep down it's a self esteem problem in you, that allows you to stay with this man. And given that history repeats itself, you'll be in the same boat if you don't get out of this relationship and work on YOU before you go with anyone else.
Please get help. For you and your child.

He hit you once. He'll do it again. Period.

I'm sorry you are going through this.

SAVE YOUR DAUGHTER AND YOURSELF!!!

I really hate it when women have to think about leaving someone whose hit them. If you don't leave, then you really don't know what could happen. You know in your heart what to do, just do it....

Be Blessed

What you need to do in my opinion Is whats's best for you and your child. You need to be safe before it happens again. Though you think it my be getting better but the fact you're scared for your child is not good. The effects on the child will stay with her forever. No man can control your life. Just stay safe.

Updated

Oh S.,
It should have been over a long time ago!
You need to get yourself and your daughter out of that house and start building a more secure, happy and stable environment for her.
Good luck!!!

Do you want your daughter to grow up and to end up with a man like this man, and be in the same situation as an adult that you are in now?

GET OUT NOW.

P.S. I hope that with this guy friend that wants to help you, you are not trading one abusive situation for another.

This sounds like my history (about 17 years ago). I got married young because I was pregnant. I ended up working for his family (in construction business) and we had two kids, back to back. He even made me quit two other jobs before I went to work for his family. He was very controlling. From my experience, it will not get any better. This is who he is; and most people like that don't change. It can happen, but it's usually once that person is saved and begins a new life in Christ. I think that would be the only way that he would change. I tried and tried to make it work, but it never did. I finally decided that I would not raise my children so that they thought our fighting was normal. I wanted to break that cycle before it got started. And I did. It was very hard being a single mom of two in diapers, but I did it...and it made me a stronger individual. You can do anything you set your mind to; except for changing someone else.
My advice would be to do some soul-searching and praying. Get all your affairs in order (and legal) before you act. And, if you do decide to leave him, you may have a horrible legal fight for custody of your daughter. If he is as controlling as mine was, you'll have to be two steps ahead of him and always on your toes. Mine was always threatening to take the kids and run.
I had to always watch them like a hawk, and had to get others to help me watch them. And, for a while, his family couldn't be trusted either.
Good luck and God bless you and keep you safe.

NO it will not get better. Your marriage does not need counseling. Your husband needs individual counseling to get at the root of his anger. YOU MUST LEAVE. Follow the advise of others who have given you resource information and leave. Don't know about this other male friend helping you.You may jump from one controlling fool to another. Get on your own so can come into your own wholeness. For you to tolerate anyone hitting you and stating with them is an indication of weak inner reverence - love for yourself. You need to work on that too. Meantime get out.

S., you know it's over when someone controls you rather than loving you. Love doesn't hurt. It really doesn't. Sometimes there are heart aches when you love someone, but this is different. I spent 2 years of my life with someone who hit me, stabbed me, threw me, and choked me. I honestly don't know what it was that snapped in my head one day and I knew I had to get out. I used to spend every second of my life in a fight or flight mode, and I would be a deer in the headlights when we started fighting because I knew my life could literally be over in a second. This is no way to live. Please take the wonderful advice of the ladies who have posted, and get out now. Abused women and children shelters will have a place for you to stay, clothes for you to wear, and contacts to get you a job. They can help you get an order of protection so that he can't legally come within a certain distance of you, but you still need to be careful. Crazy people don't always follow the law. Please be careful, go to a safe place (the grocery store or the park?) to make the phone call to the shelter. When your husbamd is gone, get everything you can carry (bring all essential medications, keepsakes, etc) and leave immediately. My sister was a counselor at a women's crisis center, and lots of the abusers burned their wifes' possessions when they left. So take what you can and get out. You and your child deserve a happy life, free of fear.

Message me anytime if you ever need to talk.

J.

I think you want to leave or you would not have written this post. Ask yourself if this is true. If it is then look for another job and talk to a lawyer. As soon as you get it.....leave. Don't let him know you are looking. Have it planned out, lawyer and all before you leave the house.

He is controlling, has abused you in the past, and now you are waiting for it to start up again. You have a child. You need out NOW. Not only are you endagering your child, by staying in this relationship, you are teaching her that this is the way a man should treat her! If you are even THINKING about how your child could be taken away from you, you need to LEAVE! Contact a battered woman's shelter. They can get you immediate housing, childcare, and help you find a job. They can help set you up with government assistance as well.

the question is do YOU think it will get better? If the counseling helps maybe but it sounds like you have to decide how much you can take and what you can live with. Sorry if you want my opinion leave now, stay with family or friends someplace safe and get your feet back under you.

Just a note... it's ADVICE... if you want help, you're looking for advice. If you spell it advise, you're looking for someone to tell you how to do something.

And for the post, you need to make sure that first and foremost YOU and your BABY are safe, happy and healthy. Do you have family members you can talk to about this? Of your own family I mean, not extended. And you do NOT need anyone's permission on where to get a job, you just go out and get it!

The whole bank acct. idea sounds like more problems I would worry about a asset search/ friend running off w/ the money at least get a receipt for every deposit. A close family member doesn't have a safe or safety deposit box? I would get another job even against his wishes remember who your around (his family) and they will always be on his side and always will look out for his/ their own best interest. Think what your husbands motivation is to keep you at his family's work place. Get the councilor ask him to open up about why you can't have job outside from his family's work place is his excuse that they pay you under the table ( this gives you no credit -how will you get an apartment / car if you need to leave?) Or the hrs., convenece all of these have trade off's you will have no reference's, credit, a cash stash, no one to testify that you come to work w/ a black eye and because this sounds like his family's company not his. They will cut you from the payroll the minute you go. I doubt anything will get better, I would go see a lawyer to get a strategy together even if you think you won't leave it could open your eyes to some things I.E. maybe your house is in his family's name, his income for spousal support will be difficult to prove ect. Good luck I hope things get better before they get worse