Marriage Advice - Lakeland, FL

Sometimes time slips away from you. Agree on a time frame for him to play and set a timer, he will be suprised how fast the time goes by without realizing it. Also, we recently rented a movie called "Click", it might make him want to spend mor time with the family.
Best of Luck,
J.

Gee, I wonder if your 2-year old could "accidentally" smear the inside of the x-box with peanut butter or maybe drop the whole thing in the toilet?? Hmmm, something to think about! Seriously though, I agree with the "really talk to him and tell him how you feel" advice. If that doesn't work - resort to your toddler!

I think you have every right to be upset, especially if you've offered a compromise and your husband knows how you feel. We recently took a game system away from my 9yr. old (we sold it on ebay and let him keep the money) because it was changing his personality and he was unable to stick to time limits. If your husband works full-time so you are able to stay home with your children, then a little down time, I understand, but when it interferes with family time and becomes an addiction, which is what it sounds like, then bring it to his attention again, ask him to committ to a time-limit, if he can, or you would have every right to let him know you are tired of competing with a game system and have him make a choice...his family or the games. I have seen this type of addiction take over lives and it's very sad. When I was concerned for my son I googled video game addiction and was very surprised at what I read. Consulting a counserlor wouldn't hurt either. Best wishes!

G.--

You have gotten a lot of great responses here, and I hope you've gotten to read every word. Just one more angle I'd like to recommend--if you haven't yet, please read the book "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. It's in the library, and if you have an Orange County library card, you can even order the book from their website and have it delivered free to your home.

You are so clearly a "quality time" kind of woman, and it's possible that, even after 13 years, he processes love in a different way and doesn't know how much that time means to you. If you can decode which "love language" he leans toward (quality time, positive words, gifts, help/acts of service, or touch), with the help of this book, you will definitely find new, healthy ways of catching his attention and connect with him like never before. It might even make your parenting easier! Trust me! You've got to try this book! Your marriage is one of God's most precious gifts--don't give it up, and don't throw it away! I'll be praying for you!

Its not a bad thing he's doing - many men play golf, fish, gamble online or at casinos, etc. and those things cost a ton of money. If it's what he wants to do, and what he loves right now, then you just have to wait till the obsession passes.
Technology advances quickly and those gaming systems will soon be obsolete. the Wii is much more fun - maybe consider buying him one of those so he can get some exercise.
You would probably like the Wii too.
Just be supportive of him, thats what a good wife and mother does. Try to hold your family together. You might someday find a hobby you 'love' that he isnt into, and you will expect him to be supportive of you. Just try to hold onto the love you share - one thing I know is that if you gripe and complain all the time about it then it wont help your relationship.
'and this too shall pass'.

G., before you run away, consider finding your own game to play, I'm quite fond of Aloha Solitaire. My husband is the same way about computer card games, so I sat down and tried it one day and realized these darn games are as addictive as drugs and alcohol. Believe me, he just can't help himself. Try inviting yourself to play with him, see what happens.
A.

it's addictive. my husband has one of those. i hate em i can't see myself liking something which makes me sit on my behind all the time and chase these stupid things on the screen. apparently it's fun especially for guys and kids.
well mine did it throughout my pregnancy and when our twins came along he realized it's better to sleep when kids are sleeping than to spend time with his xbox. it stopped. now when i think about it, it wasn't a bad thing. poor guy never got to use it again :)
soo, that said. it's normal. i know it's frustrating but he likes it. let him have it. i know when i complained about it, it did not help matters and he did not stop because i was asking him to
good luck
V.

I can relate! Before our son was born, my husband was addicted to the PS2. He would play any time we were home, practically. He said it was his 'escape' and that I should be glad that he wasn't one of those husbands that went to the bar, etc. Lucky me, eh? ::rolls eyes:: After our son was born, he did get better. It sounds like your husband is, also, using the game as an 'escape'. I might tell him how serious this issue is, maybe? Tell him that you guys need to go to counseling so he can see that you're not being selfish. As for the mother-in-law... I think they DO do things to get under our skin on purpose! It's like 'oh, who cares what SHE thinks, MY BABY BOY likes his widdle games... here, baby, here's your games'. UGH! Mother-in-laws are a pain in the arse! If you can, I would tell her that her little gift has caused strife and is making her son not pay attention to his kids like he should be. Maybe she cares about her grandchildren, at least???

Good luck!

Much love,

K. :)

It's hard not to laugh because I've been there! I've been married to my husband 9 years and in the beginning he was just as you described your husband. We would have arguments/quarrels over it. But like the majority of the reponse you received, it doesn't last forever. Be thankful that he is safe at home where you can keep an eye on him. My husband is lucky if he can play video games once a month because he works so hard to support and provide for his family. So it's only natural to feel the way you do because that is how us women are. And so know that it's not just your husband who is like that but many others! Best of luck in your situation. :)

I can so Relate to you my Husband is so into Computer Games and i am pregnant with our first child ... we been together 4 years , but the way i look at it .. would you Rather him be going to clubs partying or Drinking or doing drugs to pass his time??? Just give him time and talk to him. everything will work out fine.

I can symphathize. You would think grown men would leave the little kid games alone, but for whatever reason they don't! My boyfriend of 7 yrs and father of my daughter will also play the game systems for hrs, but he has xbox, playstation and gamecube and trying to get the Wii. I don't mind if its in moderation, but there comes a point where its too much. I find it easier when he is in another room playing where I don't have to see it or hear it. And, if I ask him to do something, no matter big or small, and if he chooses to keep playing and not help or whatever...I just basically let him know that I was not happy with the way he acted, neglecting me and/or our kid, when he could have easily paused the game and come back to it! And then pretty much I choose not to give him any...if you know what I mean. He goes in spurts, when he gets a new game he is all about the game for like a month and then he is over it. So I know there is an end, but I carry on and do what I have to, with or without his help. And one day, if all is right with this world, he will realize he missed out on playing and enjoying his family as much as he should have over a game! Just keep moving foward, doing what you have to do and he will either keep playing the way he is or sit down for a compromise and possibly limit his playing time to 2 hrs a day after the kids are in bed so that they still have their dad around when they need him. And if he chooses the game over the family time and time again with no compromise in site, then just keep taking care of the kids best you can, enjoy them, don't let him and his games steal the joy you can have with your kids.

Hey G.,

I am not married but I do know one thing: men never fully grow up. They will always like their toys and games. Look at the way they moon over and obsess over the cleaning of their cars. They are forever under the hood. I am not making excuses for him not spending time with the family. I work full-time and would probably go crazy after the first week of staying home. Do you have any activites that you can do so that the majority of your time won't be spent home? I think that his time on the game wouldn't bother you as much if you had other things on your agenda. Then maybe he would notice that you are not there as much and get a little more interested in what is going on with you. I know that playing games can be addictive. I don't care for them much myself but the ones that I do like I can play them for hours myself. It a competitive thing.

Bottom line is I don't know if you can turn the attention back to you and the children this soon after Christmas. All his games are new and they are intriguing to him right now. It will lose "some" of its appeal after a while.

I have the same problem! Except not with XBOX. My husband likes to play games on his computer, and he just recently purchased a PSP, which is basically a Handheld Playstation system. Yes I get frustrated because I feel ignored, and that he leaves caring for our son up to me. But I also feel that maybe this is his way to reduce his stress. ???

Who knows. One day I too will become selfish and see how he likes it. Just know you're not alone.

~M.

I would pray about it. He can get addicted to it. It can make him feel very competent and successful. and that can be a powerful feeling.

Pam

Your complaining won't help unfortunately, especially when everyone is in support. So ...pray about it.

I have been with my hubby for 13 years. Since the day i met him (he was 25) he has loved his video games. He doesnt smoke, drink, go to bars, cheat, lie, steal, beat us, neglect us. he works his BUTT off 6 days a week so I can stay home. If he wants to come home, shower, have dinner with us, go over all of our days, then plop himself in front of the tv or video games, i have no problem. I guess I am old fashioned but unless he's missing work, completely not providing for you, and/or being mean, I would let him have it. Yes there were a couple years that I felt like it was overboard, but i almost find that the more i bugged him the more he played and vice versa. You are going to have to figure your priorities out, do you want him stable and calm or stressed out? do you want him coming home at night or not? Just ask him to spend a little time with you in the evening before he plays he shouldnt have a problem with this. And make sure his "weekend chores" are done before he plays. Personally, I like the peace and quiet!!!!

ps on rainy days we all four play family oriented games, that way we all get to be together and its fun!

I have an x-boxer too. Get involved in one of the one player games. Tell him you want to learn and then take over. This forces him to either watch you, which is boring...or watch the kids because you can't 'cause your playing! It works!!!!! I would start playing minutes before he got home, which made him interact with the kids. I also had planned family activities on a calendar each day, such as; go to the park, picnic in front yard, Chalk the driveway, ride bikes, bake and decorate cookies... This also forced him to be involved in the day to day activities of the household. It left little time for gaming, until after the kids were in bed. Also, rent a few movies, so when the kids go to bed, tell him you rented a movie for you guys to watch. I hope this helps! It did for me, more or less...he's playing Playstation now!
Cathy

These toys are so dangerous; totally addicting.
get a therapist who specializes in addictions b/c this is what it is. ifnot get a therapist for yourself who can give u tools on how to help you and who will eventually bring your hubby in for conjoint sessions......... Our times have become mighty complicated by the technology now.

Right there with you. I'm 35 and a full time teacher. I've been married 4 years and we have a 15 month old. My husband works all around the country and is home most weekends or every couple of weeks. During the 10 years we've been together, I've felt exactly the same way you do. He has a Play Station 2 with an enormous box of games. He sits and plays for hours while I do school work, dishes, laundry, cleaning and take care of our son at night. Ughhh!!!!

G.,

I can definitely relate to you when it comes to your husband playing xbox.
My husband loves video games too.
When we were dating, i would enjoy watching him but now as a working mom things have changed. =) Soo watching him no longer interests me. What helps is communicating with eachother and mentioning how this is affecting the relationship. Not only my Relationship with him but also with my son.

I suggest you give that a try and I'm sure it will help. Planning activities outside the home are very helpful too.

Goood Luck with That =)

Hi G.
I guess, I can tell you, your are lucky. At least you know he is coming home to you and the kids, and not going out there looking for another women or doing drugs.
Why don't you join him and tell him to teach you, you can make bets with him. Tell him if you win he has to take out for dinner and visa versa, you can even suggest something sexual. That way at least you got him to spend some quality time just with you. Bring the kid out of you. In regards to his family show them that you got the best out of it. Your Husband.

My husband is a huge gamer... computer games and console games. He has a gamecube and a ps2. As long as I've known him he always has been. At first it got to me, but then I talked to him and told him how it made me feel. I told him that I felt like the games were more important to him than me or the kids were and that he could help me get things done around the house instead of playing all the time. He just didn't realize what he was doing. He works so that I can stay at home with my children so I want him to have something that's special to him. He now asks before he starts playing to make sure I don't need him to do anything. Also, I started watching him play every now and then and I really got into one game he was playing. So... the new version of it just came out and that's what we do TOGETHER after the kids go to bed. I look at it like this... we are doing something we both like, and the game allows us to work together to solve problems and communicate. It's a one player game, so we take turns playing and helping each other. I love this time we have together! It beats doing our own seperate things or watching TV where we can't talk except during commercials!! I think if you explain to your husband that you want him to have "his own thing" just not on family time, he should understand. Tell him that it makes you feel like walking out and that should get his attention and start compromising. I really don't think it's fair to not let husbands have them at all because we get our hair done some get nails done... we have our things to pamper ourselves. I want my husband to have things to pamper himself. That's just my opinion.

I would find something else to occupy my time. I know it sounds trite, buy it might help distract you. Constantly griping to him about it, just actually makes it works. It makes him want to it more. I don't know why, but it does. My husbands vice is the computer. He says it's just his way of unwinding. Sometimes, I'm want to throw it out the window, I get so mad.

You could play with him. I'm not a big gamer myself, but there are a couple of games I try to play. You could compromise, say I'll give you an hour to play, and play with him, and then do something you want for an hour.

Also, have hime walk outside with you, and tell him how you feel about the XBOX. While you are removed from the situation. Think of the XBOX as if he's spending time out the boys. It's taking time away from your marriage; he needs time unwind, but you need time with him as well. Make your marriage a priority, and tell him you want him to do the same.

Don't quit your marriage, don't even let that be an option. Divorce rate is so high. Marriage takes work, but all relationships do. You have to work on your marriage daily. We made a promise for better or for worse. There is a song that says we must walk through the valley to stand on the mountain. Sometimes, it helps me to think about a time when were crazy in love with each other. Those memories help me get through the tough spots. Good Luck. If you need to chat with someone ____@____.com.

oh my gosh I feel your pain honey! I can totally relate becuase my husband is the same way. He's gotton a little better and plays it a lot less lately becuase I think he just got bored, so hopefully your husband will start to get bored of it too. My deal with him is you can play your little Nintendo after you help me out with the house work and you buy me a magazine to read and then I'll sit with him while he plays and I read my magazine and we still get to spend time together. Good Luck~

No, that stuff isn't just for kids. I've been with my husband for 14 years and he still plays them games too. It used to bother me but not anymore. You just need to find a hobby. That's his hobby, he enjoys it as do many men. Find a hobby of your own and stop riding his butt. He'll probably stop playing so much when you stop pressuring so much. But many grown men play those games... it's common and normal. Sure beats him sitting in a bar or doing something else. He's just doing something he enjoys.

We have an X-box at home too. But usually when he starts playing I'll get on the computer or do something with my daughter, then it doesnt bother me so much that he's on it. I admit it does get a little fustrating when you are trying to have a conversation or something and he is zoned out. Just be firm and make your needs known. He has been real good about asking me if I need help with anything before he plops down to play, but it wasnt always like that. Besides, I like to read alot and I wouldnt want him arguing with me that I dont spend enough time with him. As long as he is taking care of you and your children and respecting you I think eventually things will get worked out with the right communication. :) As for mother in law, in her eyes your hubby is still her baby, and she's just trying to make him happy, I dont think they did it on purpose. Good luck.

my husband love to play video games i use to feel the same way. But i relived that is the one thing he enjoy and it helps relax him if he didn't have that game system i'd go crazy because he'd be in a bad mood and have no way to relax. as for our kids they love to whach him play his video games and he jokes and plays with them when he's playing.and when they whach him that gives me some time for myself. and he always makes sure he spends some time with me. i've come to be ok with it it keeps him in a good mood and we argue less i even whach him play some times some of the games are fun to whach.

I completely understand how you feel. My husband is an internet surfer. He is on the computer more than he is off. My advice to is this, if he wants to act like a kid and play all day then treat him like a kid. Take the XBox or the games away and only let him play at certain times of the day or certain days. Hide them from him. If he asks where they are then just tell him. I personally tell my husband to get off and come spend time with us or I go upstairs and hand him our son and then go do my own thing for a while. You need to be able to have your own hobbies or time to yourself. As much as you love your kids, you need you time. He quite obviously gets enough of his. It is his turn to step up to the plate and help be a parent. Take charge girl.

Tell him how you feel but not just "telling him" I mean REALLY telling him. Perhaps he is not really seeing the consequences of his actions. Tell him to save those games for time the kids are asleep and the lag time on the weekend. Those games are addicting for sure. It is almost like gambling/drinking etc/smoking-but of course not as serious. But it is very important that he be made aware of the seriousness of the nature of his poor choices. Those choices are making you feel bad and that should never be allowed. You and your kids come first.

G. , small things seperate small people. the only reason why this situation bother you is because you allows it to, find your self a project , get busy, see what happens. Act like you don't see it. This is his way of getting attention from you. However it hard for him to understand that this is negative attention. So,,,,,,,,, if you see and don't see it will be well with your soul.
P.

Hi G.,
I understand your situation. It would bother me too! So,let me give you a suggestion. If your husband won't limit himself,you must force him to make a choice. Don't actually leave him,let him know just how much it bothers you and let him help you decide. Here's what you do...Wait until he's gone for an hour or more. Get a shoe box and pack up the x-box and all of the games. Then hide it from him, Someplace where he will never find it like in your car truck, your best friends closet or behind the couch. When he can't find it,he will ask you for it as he knows how you feel about it. He may even get alittle upset w/you. But, You must stay calm at all times. Ignore his question for about 5/10 minutes. Then ask him "How much does the game mean to him". After he answers explain to him that you are fed-up and nearly about to leave him because of the game. His will start to realize that this is a more serious issue in his mind. You are to give him a choice of either playing the game so much or spending quality time w/his family. Thus, You are allowing him to except his own mistake. Don't let this situation get out of controll. Let him think about this and you think about it all day. About an hour before you go to bed ask him what he has decided to do! If he wants to keep the x-box, it's obviously more important then you/the kids. If he decides to give up the game,leave it right where it is while placing an ad in the newspaper -to sell it. Buy something for him with the money/just give him the money order (this is the mature thing to do). If he wants his game back give it to him on your way out the door with a suitcase in your hand. You don't have to leave for good if you love him,just leave for a few days--he will realize his mistake and call or look for you in an attempt to get you to come home. If he doesn't contact you in 3 days or less. Go home and get the rest of your things G....."as he will have chosen the game over you and the children". Pls, Let me know how this all work out for you. Good luck!

at 1st i would get annoyed when my husband would get on the ps2 to play a game- and stay on ALL night. but he doesn't do it all the time, just when he gets a new game. then he stays up every night till he finishes the game. so why get upset about that- he needs a release from his day. like football season my husband is glued to the tv. my sister-in-law hates that her husband does that. me- i join him. learned alot about football. you said that your husband doesn't do it all the time, so way get so upset. games are not for the kids- only. thats why they have m rated games. if your husband plays during 'family time', maybe you can ask him if he wouldn't mind just waiting till the kids go to sleep- and you will promise not to nag him to get off. but then have that family time- play a game together. some are 4 players

Hi G.,I wish I could be of more help to ya on this one but unfortunately my kids are "the gamers in my home!"LOL
By the time my better half gets home from work each day,he does good just to make it to our room at bedtime!
I just wish I could find a way to make my boys understand what their gaming does to their mommy at times(grrrrrrrrr)
What ever happened to the days when one could just keep themselves occupied just by doing something as simple as making mud pies are buliding houses outta carboard boxe's?!?!
"Now those were the good ole days!"

There are no video games in my home for that very reason. They are addictive, and I feel my child and I should be more important than a stupid game. I'd make him choose. It his family or his game. He is too old for that to consume his time. He isn't a teenager anymore.

I can so relate - except it was the computer/internet w/ my husband... We never did reach a compromise, and unfortunately we just learned not to communicate w/ each other - I asked him to leave - he did... At least HE isn't lonely - he's got his computer! SOO.. not that you should leave your husband... (It wasn't just cause of the computer, but after six or eight hours at a time on it.. it got real old) PUT YOUR FOOT DOWN. I really believe that people can get addicted to the games. And your Mother in law is just, well she is your Mother in law, but from experience, I'm surprised my mother in law didn't stack up a box of computers !! Best of luck to you. I wish I had all the answers.

Hi G., In my home home we have several game consoles. The X Box 360, X Box, PSP, Gamecube, and the ever so famous classic Nintendo 64. We also have three computers. My home is electrinically evolved. My family plays together and I love playing. I know it may seem as he is neglecting you...however you might want to take a second and think...is he neglecting you or are you neglecting him by not trying to particpate with him in something he likes. Sometimes we don't realize how selfish we are being. A relationship goes both ways. My husband asks me before he starts playing the game if there is anything that I would like to do together or if I would like to play. He asks if I don't mind if he plays. My husband works 6 days a week, so I feel he deserves to be able to sit and enjoy a game if he likes. Maybe you could find something you're into and it wouldn't bother you so much. As for his family getting him accesories...I think you should understand that those are his relatives and he comes first to them. I am sure your family would do the same. They love him and obviously support him in whatever he does and likes. In conclusion, always keep in mind that all of the games on these consoles are not for children, especially the games on the X Box and the X Box 360, that is why I bought my 8 year old the Game Cube. This console has games for her age level. X Box games have alot of violence and content that is not suitable for children...just to show you that they ARE NOT just for kids. I wish you lots of luck and I believe with a little patience, communication and understanding you will get through this.