Marriage Advice

T.:

It sounds like you need to have a heart-to-heart with him, and let him know how you feel. If you want this marriage to work (and he agrees), counseling may be the best option. You mention that you are 27 and do not work (you did not mention any children)...why is that? Do you have a disability? Dependence is not a reason to stay in an unhappy marriage.

A. L

If you have kids then you need to get out now! Dont put them through it ne more. I learned the hard way and now my kids are paying for me making the wrong choice and trying to stay with their dad and make things work for them. I didnt show them anything good at all by staying with him. He showed no respect at all and really killed every ounce of self respect I ever had. My kids only knew how their life was and thought it was normal. It wasnt and even if you dont have kids it doesnt sound like you need to be with this man anymore. You should be with someone that is going to help you and be there for you when you need him. I went throught it for 11 long years and had I only went through with leaving him the first time when he had cheated me and my kids would be better for it today. You may be like me and still have parents that are still together and happy which can make you feel like you have to make things work. Me and my kids are now happy and blessed with a great man. You too should be and could be happy. You need to move on. It should be 50/50 not 99% from you and only 1% from him.
If their are kids involved and that is what your worried about as far as where you will go and how you will take care of you guys.. Many places will help you and your kids. They are there to help people like you. Dont think you have to live on welfare for the rest of your life or anything but you could get some help to get on your feet.
Good luck!

T., my advice would be get a part time job to take your mind off what is going on at home. Talk to him and tell him how you are feeling. I understand you don't want to leave him, but money shouldn't hold you back either if you deside to leave, its no fun being in a marriage when you dont want to be anymore. I wasted a lot of time in a marriage that was going no-where and I was scared to leave because of the "money" I had a job, I tried talking him but it was like talking to a wall and plan and simple I just had no guts, then I did it, and I met the man of my dreams. I'm not saying leave your husband by any means, I'm saying sort things out and talk to him if that doesnt work then go from there.
K.

Do you belong to a church? Does he? Are you christian? Do you have a child together? I assume you do but that isn't listed so I am not sure...? What is he not doing?
If you plan to leave you will neeed a job so you might want to get that figured out first.
L.

Me and my fiancee have been together for 8 years and he doesn't listen to me half the time when I ask him to do something. He gets on my nerves a lot too maybe u guys should try to just spend some time apart. That's what I try to do with my fiancee because I thought about leaving too but like u I don't have a job either.

I hear ya sister. It is so tough and I have been through the same thing. (still going through it) Do you have kids??

He does what he can get away with. I think you need to send a message. I would say to him that counseling is not an option....a must for you to stay in the relationship. I realize they are all different...but he may be unhappy too.? I told my husband to leave and get counseling and when he got his issues worked out we would go to counseling together. He did because he wanted to make it work. I think his reaction will tell you how much he cares and wants to work it out.

In the mean while I would start looking for a job so that you are prepared. Also....START STASHING A LITTLE MONEY AWAY! (you don't want to be caught off guard) I think couseling yourself, as prior mentioned, would help tremndously!!!!

Good luck and keep us posted!

I'm not an expert by any means, but tell him exactly what you said in your request. Tell him that you're angry with the way he has handled things and that you would like to see some things change. Remind him that your marriage is important to you, but it takes two (to make a thing go right, lol). Oh! And one more thing...from my own experience try not to play the blame game when you talk to him. There might be some things that you could change too that would help him! Try posting a note in his car to remind him of things that you need him to do on a certain day! Little things like this, can take the threat out of a wife saying "You need to do this..." Anyways hang in there! L.P.

If you truely don't want a divorce, and you don't feel that your children would be emotionally harmed by you staying with your husband, then start counselling by yourself. They can give you a better idea on how to start mending things without your husband's help. Sometimes, the otherperson will eventually give it a try when they see how much effort the other person is putting in on their own. If this isn't an option for you, and you honestly don't think that he will put any effort into making the marriage work for both of you, then try a separation. You can find a family member or friend to stay with on a temporary basis, or find a modest apartment that rents on a month-to month basis. If divorce is inevitable, this would give your kids a chance to adjust to the new situation before a divorce begins. If there is a lot of fighting that the kids are exposed to, take yourself and your kids away from it. My mom stayed in an abusive relationship for almost 20 years because she sincerely thought it was in our best interest. She didn't know how much we were aware of, and can't forgive herself for putting us throughthat. You don't want to put your family and yourself in that position. If your husband has it in his head that you would never leave regardless of what a jackass he may become, then a separation may be all the wake up call he needs. I hope that things work out for the best for you and your kids. I know how scary the thought of single parenting is; I was in your situation not long ago. My husband, however, was the one who pushed for counselling when I was pushing for divorce. I'm glad that I agreed to go with him, though, because hindsight tells me how much I want my husband with me. Good luck to you, and if you know it won't get better, don't let fear keep you in a bad situation. If you know that it could work and you want it to, fight with everything in you to keep it. You know what's best for your family and your situation.

T.,

Sorry to hear about your situation. I have been through a divorce so I feel for you. I had to go through it with 3 children, and I was unemployed as well. I am thankful my family was there (at a distance) to help me what they could. We were just days away from celebrating our 10 year anniversary when he left and moved in with another female (Five years later, I still refuse to call her a woman!).

Even though he refuses counseling (my ex-husband did too), you can still go and get counseling for yourself. You can decide if you should stay or go and figure out what steps you need to take for whatever decision you decide. If you stay, the counselor can help you deal with your anger and your reactions to your husband's behavior (which in turn might get him to change his behavior because of the way you react), or it will help you to better prepare for your future (including any potential future relationships even though you may think that I will never go through this again. Work on yourself and the rest of the future will fall into place.

As for the other part..perhaps you could find a job even if it is only part-time. That will help you put away some money in the event things take a turn towards divorce court. Second, it might raise your self-esteem and help from you getting as irriated at him cause you won't be around the house 24/7, and you will get out and meet some new people that could potentially be an extended support group for you. Finally, if you have been at home for the last 5 years or so, your husband might be feeling resentment towards you because he has to go to work and pay all the bill (and as he sees it) you get to stay home all day. A part-time job (or even a full-time job) and splitting the chores might be a better balance for your marriage to work.

Good luck!

I do not fully know your situation....but, I can say that marriage is not hard. Even those marriages that I have thought were perfect I have later found out to have been really really hard at times. My husband and I have been married for 8 1/2 years and could have been divorced many many times....but have worked on it and our marriage is better than ever now. Communication is huge! Pray that God will help to strengthen you marriage on both sides. If it makes it easier on you then just don't expect a lot for now. I know this is hard....but, it will stop you from being let down and angering. Best of luck. C.

These are the two best books I have ever read on marriage! And an amazing website to view. Hope it helps.......it saved my marriage (nothing short of a miracle!).

www.nationalmarriage.com

The DNA of Relationships by Dr. Gary Smalley
and
Then DNA of Relationships for couples by Dr. Greg Smalley and Dr. Robert Paul

Hi T.,
I understand your frustration and I know it is a tough decision to make. You are young and you need to do what makes YOU happy. If he doesn't want counseling I would suggest seeking it for yourself. I have been to a counsler in the past and she helped me tremendously. A counsler could give you tools to manage your anger and understand his lack of compliance. I would be more than happy to give you her name and number. She is located in St. Peters. You can contact me at ____@____.com.

Hi T.,
I am also 27 & have also been married 5 years. I would say that communication has been hugely important in my marriage. I have been very frustrated with my husband at points, so I try to tell him how his actions make me feel (instead of blaming, like someone else mentioned).

I also try to adjust my own attitude when I don't like the person I'm becoming around him. For example, if I'm mad at him for not doing something I asked, I try to think about all of the things he HAS done for me. No matter how little or unimportant they were to me, they still took some thought & effort on his part. Then, I also think about what was going on when I asked him to do something. Was he watching TV, working on the computer, or otherwise distracted? (It's absolutely true that he can't focus on 2 things at once! We joke about that now.) Did I tell him how important it was to me? Did I tell him when it needed to be done? Changing your own attitude, seeing things from his point of view, and being the person you really want to be instead the one you're becoming may not solve all of your problems. But hopefully it will break the cycle of nagging and complaining and start a positive discussion about how you both could improve the situation.

All the best!
M.

If it were me and i was having that much trouble in a relationshipo i would leave job or not. you can always find a job. if you dont likw the situation and have some where you can go i would go. and if you have kids i would take the kids as well. he might get the message then.

T.,
I agree with Laura that counseling for yourself is a great step. It can help you sort out your own feelings and can make a huge difference in your life. I have also been to a counselor, and I learned that changing myself is the only thing I can do to make my life better. You can't change others, only yourself. I was miserable, but now my life is SO much better. Although praying can be a great comfort, I've found it takes actual work to make a situation better. If you need a referral to a wonderful counselor in the Clayton or St. Charles area, I'd be happy to help.
-L.