Marriage - Stafford,VA

Have you try,d councelling? He may need some one on one. And is it possible he is frustrated... maybe some agent orange... Or just had enough of the military telling him what to do. Just thought I,d throw some ideas around. Hope it helps.

1) You have been married 4 years.
2) He just finished his duty in the military and has finally come home.

3) so, HOW long, was he away???? On duty???

4) My point is: IF he was away on Duty, for the majority of the marriage.. the both of you are basically perhaps, "strangers" to each other... or have not had... the luxury of really being 'married' and having the person RIGHT there daily, living with you, everyday and all day and for every year.

5) IF your Husband has been away so often or so much... then, to me, you have not had the opportunity... to really settle in together and be 'married', if he was away on Duty so much....
6) So... then, perhaps, you both just really need to get used to each other again... to get to know each other again... to just learn how to again, live together.... Daily.
7) So then now, communication is a problem.
He probably also has, Post-Traumatic Syndrome perhaps... from being on Duty and away at war. This is a major... impact on a person and on them upon coming home to a 'regular' life and a Wife and kids. All of a sudden.
It is a BIG adjustment.
Maybe he should go for Counseling... for Post-Traumatic Stress or adjustment for being back home....

8) Or you BOTH go to Marriage Counseling or Therapy.

You both need to decide, if you want to work on it and seek outside help... before throwing in the towel so quickly, and without having tried... all avenues of assistance.

To me, the proportion of your marriage of 4 years, in conjunction with him being away on Duty... really only leaves you with not much time where you both were actually together in person, daily and getting family life, settled and in a solid way.

And, you BOTH have "anger" issues.
This is no good for anyone. Whether you are married or not.
It will still, cause a problem in your lives, unless you learn how to manage it.

There are also Community based, Anger management support groups etc. Or you find and get a proper Therapist, for both of you.

I think most marraiges can be salvaged. It sounds like you two really need to work on your communicatin, as well as getting back into a regular, dating routine.

These two very short videos on marriage helped my husband and I through a rough patch. We also, read Dr. Phil's book 'Relationship Rescue' together and spoke very calmly and openly about working on things.

You guys can do this, but you just need to make a commitment to be more loving and caring of each other in communicating as well. If you need to see a marriage counselor, it would help greatly!!! Throwing around words like divorce and separation as ultimatums or choices don't ever help.

Here are the two videos (only about 3 mins long a piece). I promise you, watch these two videos together, commit to make a change, and things will:

"How do I love thee?"
http://lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?autoplay=true&index...

"Marriage and Divorce"
http://lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?autoplay=true&index...

No separating is not the answer, but from what you just mentioned, sounds to me that he simply wants you to be quiet sometimes. I. no way trying to make it worse, but from a different view point here, seem like you are stepping into his "manhood" and not giving him a chance to be man. In the situation you described above, I would NEVER have called this family member. To your husband it was an insult. First of all, you are back in HIS hometown, do you know how stupid he must have felt forgetting and having to ask his family where to go after being away?

The other thing is that if he is a military man, he might be rigid and you are more carefree easy going. That means to him schedule, rules, patterns, control, etc means a great deal to him. Being away and having to deal with possible stressful situations can cause him to be a bit short, then to come home and be expected to be the best he can be can add to it.

My suggestion would be to back off him a bit, let him transition back to being family man before you start expecting. Most men when they get angry or want their space they go off into their caves. Also, remember most of them don't communicate well what they are feeling. Women have to talk it out, not them. Thank God yours isn't abusive. At least he leaves, stops talking and then comes back. I would try to be more patient and give it time. I know you have feelings as well and you don't want to have to always be overlooked, but in this scenario, I think you should give him his space.

If he is not willing to meet you half way after a few tries, I would question why he wants a divorce and if someone else is in the picture, but don't begin to think that without working on it some more.

My marriage almost sounds like yours! I'm sorry you are going through this. You may want to try counseling for your marriage and then separately because you mentioned that each of you have anger issues.

I know it's difficult, but see if you can find out why he doesn't talk to you when you're finished an argument. Tell him that it hurts your feelings.

Best wishes...

Get yourselves to a good counselor ASAP. If he won't go, at least go yourself; you'll get some strategies on how to deal with situations and some perspective on the sources of the issues. Hopefully, tho, you can both go, and learn how to communicate better, not take things out on each other, etc. It worked miracles in my marriage. We were to the point where we would just sit silently and glare at each other over dinner; it's now 2 years later, and we still have disagreements, but we know how to deal with them, and that these are normal bumps in the road, and we have no question that we will be together for the long haul. If you're worried about cost, I'd check to see if the military can't offer some kind of help; your health insurance, believe it or not, might also cover it (ours did, with just the usual co-pay for a doctor's visit). GL!

How long has he been in the military?
How long was he deployed?
How long has he been back from deployment?
Where did he deploy to? Was he in a combat area or did he see no combat?

My husband was in the military and deployed a few times. It can take a long time for him to adjust to being back, especially if he was in a combat zone and was in heavy action.

From personal experience my advice is if he doesn't want to talk to when he's angry, or he doesn't want to be in the room with you, or he even leaves the house, then let him. He's not talking and choosing to walk away instead of fighting. That is a good thing. He's walking away to deal with his anger rather than being destructive or physically violent. When he's calmer ask if y'all can talk. If he says no, then say ok, that y'all can talk whenever he wants to.

If you say something or ask something and do not hear a response, then tell him you didn't hear him and ask him to repeat it.

The number one thing I recommend is telling him that you love him and then ask what it is he wants from you, what changes can you make to help improve your marriage. Tell him what you want from him too, but be very calm about it. For example, tell him that you would like for him to try not to say things like you are clueless because it really hurts.

Whether you realize it or not, you are not the same person you were before he deployed, and he is not the same person he was before he deployed. The changes don't mean you can't stay married, just that things are different. You both have to make changes and work on keeping your marriage together. If he hasn't been back from deployment for very long then truthfully you'll probably have to be more willing to change and make exceptions for him as he transitions back to being a husband and father. The changes on his part will be slower.

Good luck & God bless

Dear Tired,

When someone tells you that your are "clueless" it's not a good feeling. When someone who is suppose to LOVE you tells you that you are "clueless" it cuts into your heart.

The fact that your husband can stay mad all day because he thinks you are clueless is a RED FLAG.

Members of the military coming home from a combat zone often have anger issues and much more. If you are able to sit a talk with your husband in a calm manner, please tell him first, how much you love him and want to spend your life with him raising your family. Then let him know what he has done to hurt you and ask him to tell you what you have done to hurt him. If you are able to reach COMMON ground on what is bothering BOTH of you, let him know that help is available and if he is willing you are willing.

May God bless and comfort you in this difficult time.

Blessings....

I think, in the example you gave, that this might relate to that "male ego" thing. I spent most of my adult life as a single parent running my own household so I was never good at understanding the male ego thing. I didn't want to believe it really existed but as time went on I saw a lot of women who were way better at relating to a man's mood than I ever was and came to believe there was something to it. This might be a concept worth exploring for you because, while he was deployed, you've been managing on your own and so you might be out of touch with that male ego thing, too. This might seem silly, but try to observe your interactions to see if you are unintentionally "challenging" him - men see competition where it wouldn't even occur to you. Make it a point to stand back and let him lead sometimes (even if you are chuckling to yourself inside). Admire him and praise him (even if you're praising him for something you could do blindfolded). See if it improves the relationship. I'm sorry if it sounds like I'm advising you to pretend after he did say hurtful things to you. I'm not trying to say you're doing something wrong. It's just an adjustment to be living together again after you've been operating independently and I think it might help. Good luck.

You have some good advice below.

The military can be hard on a marriage. Mine ended in divorce (his decision).

Your husband might be a hard one to talk to, and to bring things up with, and if so, changing your communication patterns might be very difficult. With sensitive, defensive men, you have to go very SLOWLY, with as little talk as you can manage.

I think you should, at a good time, not when you are fighting, tell him your marriage seems to be experiencing some problems and if he has any suggestions for how to make things better. Say that in one sentence. And then listen to any ideas he has without comment. Hopefully he will agree and have some ideas. If he doesn't want to address the issue, good luck. I don't know how you communicate with a male who won't discuss things.

However, with males like your husband, LESS TALK is better. Keep things short and sweet.

I totally understand where you are coming from. I. a military spouse too. My husband deployed in 2009 and was gone for only 6 months and got sent home because of a reduction the army did. We argued over dumb things like that and he also swore it was me and not him. Come to find out it was him and some me. We are doing marriage counciling right now and it's helping a lot. you need to tell him he needs to get help with or without you. Threatening for a divorce just because he's tired of you isn't the way to go unless you both are unhappy in your marriage. Maybe he had something happen where he was and is having a hard time coping with it. My husband is too. His convoy was attacked and he ended up shooting a 10 year old little Afghan boy who had a gun and detonator. That's all he's told me but said that he felt he would be able to tell me in front of a councilor. So far so good. we don't argue as much anymore and actually enjoy each other's company. talk to him about getting help, he may also have PTSD which can get real ugly if left untreated. Good luck. :)

I agree with other posters; try therapy first to see if it helps. Each of you should try individual therapy and also marriage counseling. It's worth a shot to see if it helps. You should both try to deal with the anger issues first, especially if you have children, because kids imitate what they see their parents do, and seeing two angry parents all the time is not good for them.

Try to see if your husband will go to therapy and talk about why he's having the anger issues. Is it because of his experience being deployed, or was he like this before being in the military? Tell him that you want to be with him and try to save your marriage, but both of you have to take the time and work that it takes to rebuild your marriage. If he's not willing to do it, or just blames you for everything, then it might be a good idea to separate from him until he's willing to get help. I can't imagine the difficult time you are going through; good luck.

I don't have any good advice, but earlier in our marriage when my husband returned from a deployment was a very challenging time, and this type of behavior sounds familiar--readjustment is difficult for all. It just seems that the way soldiers/etc. are trained for a wartime mission and the things that their brain learns, consciously and unconsciously while deployed, when they bring that indoctrinated training home, it just doesn't translate well to marriage, does it?! Especially when you are in a convoy-type situation, he is perhaps reacting in a way that is more appropriate for a war-time mission, even when that is not appropriate for a civilian, family situation. It is also really hard because if he is experiencing any post traumatic stress, even though the military services say to "get help" through the chain of command, military members feel it will make them seem weak and un-warrior like and will damage their career, so they try to act like all's well. I know even if a military member is not experiencing out and out post traumatic stress, these anger issues can crop up, and in my opinion it's related to the military service. Reach out to other military spouses who can understand and find out what they did that helped. I. really sorry you are going through this. I just want to encourage you to work on your marriage for your own sakes and for that of your children.