Manners - Sebastopol,CA

My daughter was terrible about chewing with her mouth open and being noisy about it! After reminding her time after time after time, I finally one night told her to leave the table. She was shocked but I was frustrated beyond belief. After that, she chewed with her mouth closed. So, tonight I would tell them that if they use bad manners or chew with their mouths open, they will be excused from the table and their meal will be done. It will probably only take one time!

well, you have to be consistent & follow thru on punishment.....

here's my system:
after I get their attention, I tap my finger on my mouth.
I wait one round, then say....."please chew with your mouth closed".
I wait one more round, then say...."dinner is over if you don't chew properly".
I wait one more round, & then remove their plate.

Guess what? It only takes once/twice.....& they learn.

Aside from not eating with their mouths open, how else are they displaying poor manners? My mother used to wig out if we were having salad and I set the table with the wrong forks - some things aren't worth it, IMO, but obviously a lot is.

Without knowing specifically what else they are or are not doing, it's hard to say, but maybe you could have a basic talk with them explaining that other kids won't want to hang out with them or be their friend if they are going to be gross about stuff or rude. Maybe something like a swear jar would help, only for poor manners - make a list of what you expect them to do, post it so it is visible, and then anytime they break a rule, it costs them a dollar. Make manners part of the rules in your home and enforce some kind of consistent consequence for not following the rules.

The biggest issue I see is that kids learn from example and correction. If you can't get your husband to change his behavior, you'll be hard pressed to get your kids to be well mannered if they don't have a consistent example to follow or any consequence other than a halfhearted nag to clothes their mouths when they chew.

You could always scare them into chewing with their mouths closed the catholic nun style. Keep a clean new flyswatter (better than a wooden ruler) at the table and every time you hear them smacking, pick the thing up, whack the table near them hard enough to startle and say, "Chew with your mouth closed please."

This reverse Pavlovian effect may even train your husband to be more conscious of his slack jawed chewing. Of course that then turns your dinner experience into a big game of whack-a-mole but would be worth it if it worked.

I have recommended this book a million times. It is perfect for this situation.. It is funny, but gets the points across.

http://www.amazon.com/How-Rude-Teenagers-Behavior-Grossin...

Manners can really make a difference. When our daughter was visiting colleges, she was interviewed for a scholarship. At one college the gentleman told our daughter She was the ONLY student to really use manners throughout the interview and he appreciated that it was not something she was forcing herself to remember. It really was genuine.

She thanked me after that interview for teaching her, but in reality in our home we ALWAYS have used our manners with each other.

Set aside some time for role playing games. Put them in front of the table for a snack during no particular meal time. Have each one chew w/their mouths open and everyone has to watch...you will probably giggle and laugh at one another. Then, have them chew w/their mouths closed, each one taking their turn.

This can work for any lack of manners. For example, if they don't say please or thank you, again, sit at the table or living room and have each person holding something that belongs to the other. Then each person has to ask politely for the item and say thank you after receiving it.

I wouldn't punish them for not using manners but instead, if they consistently use bad manners, ttell them they aren't watching TV/playing outside, or something they like to do until you go through the excercise. They should start remembering their manners if they don't want to do the role playing anymore.

Good luck!

Modeling good manners is great. You can also look into manners classes in your area. My daughter's Girl Scout troop is going to hire someone to do a special lesson or two on formal manners and informal manners for different situations.

We work on manners all the time and have used good manners in front of the kids since, well, always. My husband lapses when it comes to food stuff and my brothers lapse when it comes to bad language and bathroom jokes, so reinforcement is always needed. But I'm really looking forward to the GS etiquette lessons.

Get a book on etiquette that is geared to their age and reasonable expectations. Read it and tackle one thing a week. Let them know what they need to do. Then demand that they do it. This is not a negotiation anymore than appropriate grade are a negotiation.

It is super important that you and your husband model appropriate behavior. Having said that, sometimes people don't. The fact of the matter is, the right thing to do is ALWAYS the right thing to do, even if everyone they know is not doing it. So, dad's manners are horrible, but that doesn't mean that good manners aren't your expectation.

If they eat like barnyard animals at the table, they get one warning and then their meal is over and they can leave the table. I promise you it will take one time. Oh, there will be anger, wailing and gnashing of teeth. There will be complaining of overwhelming hunger. But, if you stick to your guns and they see that you mean it, it will take one time and they will take the one warning and run with it.

Apply the same method in all areas where manners are expected and they are learning a new one. If they don't say, "please" the answer is "no". If they don't say, "thank you" then take back what you gave them. If they don't say "excuse me" before talking to you, ignore them completely and if they persist send them to their room.

I know it all sounds hard core, but manners at their age should be an easy task to manage for them, so at some point it's a choice and a lack of consideration for others comes into play. Learning how to use manners and etiquette is a huge life skill that will take them rather far and will effect how the world views them. It's good to learn them, now.

Sometimes the fruit doesn't fall that far from the bush and if your husband can't manage good manners, I don't know about the kids. Is it just an eating thing or problems all over? I never had these problems fortunately, even through high school. All THREE of them are old enough to get it and be respectful in all areas I feel.

Do they have consistent firm consequences for each manner? Like, the next time you chew with your mouth open, x will happen, and then follow through?

I've noticed that practically EVERYTHING I've ever just told the kids to do a million times "Dont' suck your fingers" for example, they don't stop doing. No matter how I phrase it. My FIVE YEAR OLD still sucks her fingers. I don't model that!

But everything that has been enforced effectively, has always stopped. It's more difficult at your kid's age, so you have to be firmer for longer, but modeling and talking aren't effective on their own. They will be enough once you also have consequences they care about in place. THEN they'll heed your warning.

Maybe do a, "OK, we're having a manners workshop. Every time you have bad manners at the table you will_______ (lose a favorite item or privilege to be earned back with a week of good manners, PLUS make them perform a very hard chore-immediate sweat equity as well as loss of something). Once you have shown me for one solid week your table manners are great, we will go to______ (their favorite restaurant) and you'll get your stuff back" If they slip up during that time, add another day to the week and ALWAYS put in an immediate chore they have to do because distant removals and far away deadlines are also not effective on their own. If they refuse to comply, you may need firmer discipline. This book is really good for these ages: Back to Basics Discipline by Janet Campbell Matson. Kudos to you for caring about their manners. This world does not have enough people with good manners!

P.:

I'm sorry you are going through this. We have a book called "Manners are a good thing" and "how to behave" that's written for children. they love to read them.

You may be modeling behavior, but your husband is not - so they are mimicking him. In order to get the family on board - you may have to correct him in front of the children. No, you aren't his mother, but it seems like in this case you will have to be.

Set your expectations down. Show them. don't just EXPECT THEM - DO THEM. Please, thank you, may I have? would you please?

Chewing with their mouths open? Are they cows? Are they chewing their cuds? When my boys play with the gum in their mouth - or even chew with it their mouths open? I tell them once - then the next time it's thrown out. They don't like that. Well, too bad. I EXPECT you to chew gum with your mouth closed.

When we are eating dinner - we encourage talking - we may have wheel of fortune or Jeopardy! on and sometimes they can answer the questions! YAY!!! However, if they get "distracted" by the TV I clear my throat. If that doesn't work, I turn the TV off.

You CAN do this. Just don't give up!