Mandatory Quiet Time?

I think "quiet time" is great for both parents and kids, but it is not a form of discipline or punishment. My son (who is now 5) has had quiet time each day since the time he stopped napping. It is just a time when he has to play quietly in his room, and since it coincides with my daughter's nap time, it gives me some much needed "alone time" to get things done or just rest. He has a timer with a night-light on it that comes on to signal the end of his quiet time. When the light comes on he has to clean up his room, and then he can come out. When we first started it was only 30 min, but now is about 2 hrs each afternoon (and sometimes he stays longer because he gets caught up in whatever he is doing and does not notice his light). As I said before this is not a punishment, it is just something that happens each day, like nap time for younger children. We actually tried to make it a "special" time by getting him books on CD to listen to. We would go to the library each week and pick out the stories he wanted to listen to that week. We never locked the door to his room, but did have a baby gate when he was younger. That way he stayed in, but we could still easily keep tabs on what he was doing.

As far as the comments he is making, I would not bother to respond. Just ignore it. If you you start responding to it you are giving him exactly what he wants, attention.

"I don't like you/you're not my friend" is usually picked up from other kids, I think--that is how kids talk to each other at school ( I worked in schools for several years.
It translates as "I'm mad at you because I'm not getting what I want, and I want you to feel bad".

Something to keep in mind, is that this is a verbal expression of anger, and although it is unkind, it is a more appropriate expression than non-verbal---ie the spitting. Some children hit when angry, and you made no mention of this, so he probably has more control over himself, compared with some of his age group.
I would definitely respond to his verbal expressions (carefully), so that he knows that verbalizing is what gets attention for his feelings---not the physical actions. Just try to teach him more DIRECT ways of saying how he feels---specifically about what he feels and wants, not about his relationship with you (indirect manipulation). Examples: "I'm very angry" and "I want to do this"

Several things. You need to be sterner. Let him know his behavior is not acceptable and respond immediately, don't let it progress. I don't like the idea of locking a door I think that can be scary. Instead make the amount of time reasonable for a 4 year old. Then put a timer in his room or better a clock and show him what the time will be once he can leave. When you hear "I don't like you" etc, you can tell him "well I like you no matter what and always will. I just don't like this behavior and you must stop it". I have a 16 and 13 year old and I used these methods when they started acting out and it was pretty much nipped in the bud. It takes patience but also a firm voice and strong resolve.

Hello SH, As the parent of 5 great adults that were all once children that were the proto type for ADD and Curious George the Monkey( they tell me it was becasue I read Tom Sawyer and Huck Finn and they were the heros of childood). I have also been blessed to have raised many foster children and am now the grandparent of several little Angels-- I just want to share a few things I have learned.
1. parenthood has more adventure and twists and turns than any theme park ride.
2. the attitude and foundation you build today with your children will be the same ones they have when they are teens & if you think 2 or 4 is bad just hold on for the ride of 12-16!!. This is not a phase it is a problem!
I went to my experts and asked them what I did withthem and then asked my grandchildren. I start them at age 18 months with these boundries. This is what I was told with out any hesitation... If they were out of conrol they learned quickly that it was going to be their prolem not mine! Chidlren need boundries and what the limits are. The foster children I had often came from enviroments that had none and I made sure they had it with our family. I still have several of the foster children now in our lifes andam blessed to be the Grandmother of 12 extra specail children becasue of it. I have a bad education- I only learned to count to 3. For years the kids have tried to teach me to go higher. If I start counting quickly they learn that if I make it to 3 there is no doubt about punishment. We have a staircase, the more in trouble you are the higher you have to sit. I put a child that is yelling into a seperate room and they stay there until they can tell others they are sorry for disturbing them. I have also been know tho have the "I hate you , I don't like you" conversation. I have a standard answer and its a riot when one of my children or older grandchildren say I know that one-- I don't like you either so we are even but I adore you becasue we are a special family. Of course you are not their friend you are the parent. You don't have to win friendship but they will trust you to love them in spite of everything. I have one guy that to this day has a temper. I used to talke to him by wispering in his ear. Now he had to shut up to hear me and soon would relax and be the cutie I knew him to really be. I would wisper about how he has a specail place in the family, how funny he looks when he's mad, I love you, anything to make him think. I can't wrap my thoughts around a locked door becasue I have seen 1st hand the effects that it had on the little ones that came into my care- even as preteens. But to be sent to the room you decide on isn't a big deal. I did have one child that tore up his room and tossed his things around-- the natural consequenc was that I went in with a black garbage bag and cleaned it up without saying a word, then later threw it all away. I was told years later by several children when were sitting around the table that that had a great impact on them- because they knew that I would not repurchase any of the items. My girls were not any esier on me than the boys(infact worse at times) but they learned quickly that when you push moms buttons I bite back and there is a consequence for it. I am really about natural consequences. Good Luck and Know that it's ok not to be a friend, you are better because you are the parent and a role model for them for the rest of their lives.
Nana Glenda

Hello,

While it is normal to start getting attitude from your 4 y/o, it doesn't mean that it has to be tolerated. You are right to want to get this corrected.

Time out is perfectly fine, but it has to be without any of his favorite toys/games.

My son told me "you're not my friend" a few times when he was younger and I just told him, "That's ok, I'm your mom and you can never take that away from me. I'm not here to be your friend." After he realized those words didn't affect me, he stopped saying it. But I must admit they sure did sting at first.

I've never been a big fan of locks outside the door. I think you will have to be more firm with him until he does what he is told.

He's 4, so his quiet time should be at least 15 mins. I don't follow the 1 min per year rule.

Good luck.

I think when your son is behaving badly you should let him know he IS in trouble and what he is doing IS wrong. If you don't then he might not now that the way he is acting is not right. If you don't want quiet time to be associated with a punishment then maybe you should give a time out and then let him have quiet time in his room. Also, I think a lock on the door can be okay for younger kids who maybe don't get the concept but he is four and he can understand and should be listening to you. I hope something is helpful for you.

Time outs don't work. If they did, his behavior would be getting better, not worse. Clearly what you are doing is not working. Why continue to use it? Even the guy who coined "timeout" came out and said it has been taken out of context and was never mean't to be used for discipline, only to calm down a child who was frantically uncontrollable at the moment. The discipline came after.

Your son has a heart issue. Pleasure, like laying on a bed daydreaming or playing with toys in his room, is not going to change his heart or behavior one bit. It will only make him loathe your passiveness about his disrespect of you.

Being sent to a room to play is akin to you being sent to an art class (or whatever it is you find relaxing)by a cop after you ran a stop sign, verbally berated him and spit on him.

You better get control of this now. By 6 or 7 a child's manners and behavior are well ingrained. Things don't evolve, they devolve. Which means as they get closer and closer to tweenhood those types of behaviors and disrespectful attitiues generally escalate, not get better. And we know how hard it is for humans to change habits. Just look at how hard it is for fat people to loose weight, alcoholics to stop drinking, etc. Extremely hard..humans are creatures of habit and the breaking of those bad habits doesn't come with pleasure, but actually with a degree of pain. Look at how the heavy people on these weight loss shows, how they cry. It is emotionally painful for them. When my husband and I were planning divorce.. it was EXTREMELY emotionally painful for us. That is what changed our behavior so that we could mend. I think it is just a fact of life, it is painful to break habits, but it is that pain that allows us to "switch course".

I recommend the book "Shepherding A Child's Heart" by Ted Tripp.

My credentials: three great, essentially straight A, non drug/ no sex teenagers, whom everyone likes. And I'm not particularly a disciplinarian.

Sticking out his tongue and spitting???!!! You BET you should put a lock on his door. At 4 years old it is definitely appropriate to lock him in his room for such behavior, if you can't get him to stay in his room any other way.

Everything you did was correct; I think, however, that instead of stating: "it's time for you to have quiet time...you're not in trouble," you should change that statement to something like, "I do not appreciate the way you are talking to me, you are going to your room for a while." And when he spits, I would add that now he's spending even MORE time in his room for that behavior.

As far as him saying: I don't like you, and you're not my friend -- that's a pretty normal tactic for kids to try. I'd say something like, "you're right, I'm not your friend, I'm your mother." And in response to "I don't like you," I'd say something like, "well, that's too bad." Don't worry about or respond to such statements much: he's just trying to manipulate you.

ps - just skimmed through the other moms' responses, and I don't think at 4 you need to be talking about "time out" - I don't think putting him in his room at 4 years old has anything to do with time out -- at 4 years old your son is old enough to start learning that when he is acting bratty, you do not want him around you, until he stops acting that way. Period. When he can be pleasant, then he can come out. And as far as locked doors go, I have to disagree with one mom, because I think you are probably only talking about 1/2 hour to 1 hour, not many hours, which would be abusive.

Dear S H,
Sounds like you have a little boy who is really testing you. Perfectly normal, really. But he needs to know exactly how far these behaviors will get him.
My kids were never nappers from the time they were little babies, but they had mandatory quiet time every day anyway and they were just used to it so it was never a problem. They didn't associate it as punishment because it wasn't. If they were tired and cranky qiet time in their room was fine, but if they crossed the line by acting out, I didn't send them to their rooms. They had their "time out" in a part of the house they wouldn't find nearly so fun, either on the couch or in a chair in the corner...no books, no toys, no TV, no blanket. I set a timer and if they got lippy or got up, I set the timer back. I would say things like, "We can talk about why you're in the spot when the time is up, but right now, you and your mouth are on a time out."
Also, things changed when your son chose to spit and there is nothing at all wrong with saying, "Buddy...NOW you are in trouble! You don't spit!"
I think all kids try the "I don't like you" routine. Of course they don't like you when they aren't getting their own way. I just told my kids there was no rule they had to like me, but there is a rule that there is no spitting (or whatever) and they broke that rule. I also told them I loved them enough not to let them act that way whether they liked me or not.
I personally don't think you should put a lock on the door and try to keep the regular quiet time in his room separate from the "you're in trouble" quiet time somewhere else. They need to know the difference. Kids are very smart and they can be quite manipulative little creatures. You just have to be consistant and not be afraid to let them know when you're mad. Pussy-footing around about certain things, like spitting, isn't the best way to go in my opinion.
The sticking out the tongue thing....
My daughter tried that once.
I imagine she'd seen some other kid do that or something.
I said, "Hey...come here. I need you to stick your tongue out again." Of course she didn't want to. I said, "Seriously, come here and show me your tongue, I think I saw something on it."
She came over, stuck her tongue out and I grabbed hold of it. She tried pulling away from me, but I just held on and said, "If you want to keep your tongue, I think you'd better keep it in your mouth where it belongs from now on." Her eyes were big as saucers. Yes, I tricked her, but I also made my point, and no...she wasn't traumatized in any way. In fact she would say, "Mommy, I'm licking my ice cream...try to catch my tongue."
But she never stuck it out AT me in anger again.

It's good to remain calm, it's good to get them to use their words to express themselves, but it does them no harm to know when they've gone too far. Kids actually like boundaries and structure because if they are feeling out of control, they know you will be there to have control of it.
Both of my children loved the book "Runaway Bunny" and we read it together at least a million times.
"Where the Wild Things Are" is also a good book for little boys who get upset with mom.
Your son will be fine if you are consistant and he knows you love him enough to want him to behave.

Best wishes!

First I have to commend you for 'handling it calmly' as that is the best way to take care of it. So much of these inappropriate behaviours are about getting a rise outa you....sticking out his tounge, spitting, telling you he doesn't like you....all to see how mad you're gonna get & how you react. I am so bad at staying calm cuz my boys know exactly how to push my buttons! So, continue staying calm. I know it's so hard to hear that your son doesn't like you, but well, 1) we're not here to be their freind & 2) he's gonna say it to your face or behind your back for many years to come. :) Stay the calm path. I also agree about not putting a lock on the outside of the door. First, you're not calling it time out but giving him some quiet time so if you truly want it to be a time out, then call it that & let him know he has to stay in his room (or wherever you designate T.O.) until you come get him. Things like spitting are unacceptable & need to be nipped in the bud w/some form of punishment & if you tell him it's quiet time for spitting he may not be getting that he's actually in trouble. We go back & forth on T.O. in the bedroom but our boys have no toys in their room so it's not generally fun to go in there. If your son has fun things in his room, then make a boring spot the area for T.O. It might also help to lavish him w/praise when he is talking nicely & exhibiting what you deem an acceptable attitude. Let him know what that acceptable attitiude is first. But overall, as I said befopre, stay the calm path & be consisitent! Best of luck!

Hi SH
NEVER lock a child in a room..... My foster mother did that to my little foster brother because he wouldn't stay in his room at night for bedtime.. and let me tell you, he kicked and banged that door. I used to go in and console him... I mean even at 10 I knew you don't do that to a kid..but apparently she didn't (not sure where they get some of these foster parents) anyway.. no, I would not do that..
I will say 4 can be a feisty age (more than 2 if you ask me) and some of that stuff will pass.. Is he around other kids for whom he is learning this stuff?
Most of it will pass, just let him know each time he does it that it's NOT ok.. but definitely don't lock him in a room..

wow, I could have written your first paragraph! I have even said that exact sentence about "you're not in trouble...". I think you are doing your son a favor by helping him learn we all need a little time to ourselves, you and him included. children these days need to learn that being alone is ok. (unplugged included). having quite time everyday is a great idea in my opinion.
I have wondered about the lock question as well. my son is not able to open his door knob yet, so if I shut the door all the way and let the knob click, he is essentially "locked" in. I worry about this on his mentallity that "mom and dad lock me in my room" but otherwise he will not stay in. we give him one chance with the door open, and if he comes out once we shut the door. this is the rule and he knows it yet 95% of the time he'll come out.

There is a great book called "I Will Always Be Your Friend." Its about a mother wolf tellig her son it is time to go back to their den because it is getting dark. He gets very upset with her and tells her he won't be her friend any more. She handles it beautifully.

I can relate to the struggles of handling a child with attitude. I too have a 4 year old that acts and does many of the things you were describing. I'm hoping it will end soon....
In regards to the lock on the door... I have a friend who put a lock on the outside of the door so their 4 year old could not get out. She said she only needed to actually lock it once. It was a rough once but it did the trick. He took her seriously after that.
Good luck and great job with keeping your patience. :)

Yea......i hate to hear those words..."I don't like you"... My response is always, "I understand you don't like me right now because I'm telling you to do something that you dont want to..."

In all of those moments it is probably best to not say anything after that. I would just nod and smile, so i didn't speak anything after that. I was hoping to show him that I was "being quiet" and wanted him to do the same.

We all need "peace of mind" during the day.....and your son is at an age, where the naps have dropped, and his energy level is at max :o)

A way to introduce your quiet time, might be this...."son, can you help me with something very important? Mommy needs rest, and we have a rule to have quiet time in our house so mommy can relax and not be cranky :O) today...can you help me with a perfect quiet time?" NOW! the trick is to NOT go do the dishes, or something you need to catch up on! In order to make this successful, you need to be in your room, too :O) laying down, reading, TV or whatever....just showing him (by example) what "quiet time" is....If you lead by example, there shouldn't be too much problems after a few days. When he tries to come out, remind him in a whisper, "oops, remember it's quiet time in our rooms?"....after you've answered his silly questions (in a whisper),tell him to go back to resting please. If he see's you resting, he will probably go, or, he may crawl in your bed to rest so he is not alone.......

At 4, he will probably not fall asleep, but I allowed my boys to stay on their bed, and I ignored the "playing"......I believe as long as your son makes an effort to be quiet, this should work. At 4, he cannot remain 100% quiet, so I hope you do not expect that from him, but as long as he stays in his room trying to be as quiet as he can.....then you should be proud.

I don't know if you felt like I did about this topic, but the idea of quiet time was so I could get a break from all of the energy and the talking, etc.... I was the one who really needed the "timeout" not my boys! The trick for me was to not make them feel as though I was angry at them just because I was about to have a nrevous breakdown! :O) This "quiet time" worked in my home, but my expectations were reasonable. I took about 4 days for them to get good at it.

I am against locking his bedroom door....1) it will create a worse scenario 2) it will make him afraid of you, his room, his safe environments 3) someone can misunderstand it and turn you in for child endangerment (it's a crazy world).

I think this is about YOU and not him needing to rest. Let's put it into perspective and figure out a way for you to get peace of mind and for him to feel like he's helping his mommy :O)

~N.

Mandatory quiet time is a great idea.

But in fact you have to be stricter and more disciplined yourself in your approach. EVERY kid will push the boundaries and continue to do so, and worsen if allowed. You are allowing it.

Unacceptable behavior has to be called out, explained, and the consequences explained and then dealt if the infraction continues or recurs. You are the boss and no one does their child ANY favors if they let them get away with rude or disrespectful behavior because that doesn't work out in the real world. And in their soul everyone would rather get attention in the form of positive reinforcement of good behavior rather than having to raise a ruckus or go so far as to get in trouble to get attention.

Go with the quiet time concept but maybe not open-ended. If your son starts to behave impatiently or rudely say "that's not acceptable" or "I know you're frustrated but we everyone has to share..." or "No we can't play with that because it's not safe" or whatever the scenario is and if you get ANY push-back say, "we are going to your room, you need a break." Don't leave the room until you explain what has gone wrong and what behavior is expected, and that he won't be allowed to come out of his room until he calms down and apologizes (if need be). Stay with him and do this calmly and respectfully and preferably while you are holding him or touching him so he knows you are not put off by him as a person, just the behavior. If he keeps mouthing off you repeat that is not acceptable and he won't be allowed to come out of his room until he calms down and apologizes. When you leave if he comes out, walk him back in and repeat the ground rules, and let him know further that a privelege will be removed (be specific) if he does it again. In EVERY case deliver on the consequences. If you don't you are sunk.

It takes a few times doing this with complete resolve, and then the child gets the picture that you are serious (at present, he knows you aren't and he can get away with this). Make sure you have reinforcement from your spouse/partner and everyone else, as in if the child comes out of the room they say "Go back to your room as mommy said" or, "Fantastic, Tommy, are you ready to tell mommy you are sorry and come back out and play? that's great!"

Once your child gets the picture that you are consistent in not allowing them to be a jerk, but more than happy to make them feel secure, welcomed and loved, they'll do what it takes to effect the latter.

Finally for now if he says "you are not my friend" or "I don't like you" say: "I know you are frustrated right now but those are not nice things to say, and mommy is not going to let you (be rude, mouth off, be disrespectful, or whatever he is doing). It's time for you to go to your room until you can calm down and behave appropriately."

It's all about respect.

Good luck!

I spoke with a friend of mine who is a field worker for CPS, and he verified what I thought. You NEVER lock a child in the room. It is abusive and does no good. Watch suppernanny... YOu put him in his room for bad behavior, or even better, not his room but a time out space. Monitor this very closely. You are in charge! If he removes himself you immediately put him back, calmly, but firmly. You lower yourself to his level, and firmly tell him, this behavior is NOT acceptable.. but please locking in a room may help you, but it does not help the child. I have always been pretty firm, but never locked a child in the room . My friend says this is an issue that CPS could even conceivably remove a child from a home for. Anyone who tells you it's ok, is wrong! I mean think about it, to tell him he is out of control, but not in trouble, and has to have quiet time in his room, but then gets locked in the room? That is a very confusing message, even for me, an adult reading this. YOu can do better! And you do sound exhausted. Is it possible you might get your 4 year old into some sort of day care a couple times a week to give you a break? His behavior may reflect something else going on in the home. Good luck. and don't lock him up...

I think I'd try out other options before considering locking the door. What if you showed him a timer and said, for example, "I'm setting this timer for 5 minutes, when it rings I'll come get you. If you come out before the bell rings, I'll set it back to 6 minutes" (and if he continues to leave his room before the bell, the timer keeps getting set back further so he's not just losing whatever time he spent there but his time out time gets longer)?

Good morning! Isn't being a parent trying sometimes?? In my personal opinion (which is just what it is, so please do not take offense) putting a lock on the outside of your child's door is not a good disipline tactic or is it healthly for him. Even if it is just for "quiet time" he is not learning the boundary from you but from being kept in his room by force. I would be petrified at four to try and open my door and not be able to, it is different to know I can't open my door because I will get in trouble then from I am locked in my room. He has to know that you mean business and sometimes that takes some work when they are four. You may have to walk him back to his room literally one hundred times but eventually he will know you will not budge and it's time for quiet. Tell him the first time, "it is quiet time and you will be in your room until I come to get you." The second time reinforce what you said the first time. "Mommy said it is quiet time and it's time for you to be in your room" the third time and each time after that show him no response to his actions simply take him by the hand and walk him back to his room. If he sees a reaction from you he will antaganoise (sp) you thinking it is now a game. TRUST ME I know after 25 walks back to his room your frustration begins to boil, but eventually it does work. My son used to sleep in my room and it took a week of every night walking him back to his room some nights sitting quietly outside of his door staring at the floor giving him no reaction, but he finally got it! and for sometime now he has been sleeping in his room, feeling so good about himself that he is a big boy for doing this on his own.. I have heard a few times "I do not like you" or "you are not my friend" when he says those things I remind him that those are not nice words, that they hurt my feelings and heart, and that no matter what he says out of anger, I will always love him, no matter what. The tecniques I have told you are all ones I picked up from Nanny Jo on Super Nanny - they really do work, you just have to have the patients to keep it up, it will be much healther for him to learn boundaries from you then from being locked in his room at quiet time. Just think of it like this, what will you do when he is ten, continue to lock him in his room because he does not know how to listen to you when you ask? I am not trying to knock your parenting skills, simply trying to be a mom with some alternate advice. Happy Holidays.

We put a hook and eye on the top of the door when my son was about 3 so that it would hook together and he couldnt open it, but he (and I) could still see each other through the door because it was about an inch or so open when hooked. This was a sanity saver and really, I only needed to do it for a little while (like a week or so? I forget just how long because he is now 7 and knows to stay in his room when we say good night.) After that, just asking him if I needed to hook the door usually did the trick. And I probably did every now and then if he left the room inappropriately.

I view it as a TRAINING TOOL, NOT a punishment. And (if at bed/naptime) always always unlock it once he falls asleep (or has been in there for long enough).

Truly it was a sanity saver. Not the first 2 nights of locking the doors, no, but in the ensuing MONTHS after that, it was SO nice to be able to have him stay in his room once his bedtime routine was all done (ie, he had his water, blanket, animal, hug, song, story, and NO MORE) so that WE could have a bit of time together before my husband needed to get to bed himself.

I'd personally resist using time in the bedroom in response to inappropriate behavior because 1)a bedroom should be a completely safe/comforting space and 2)playtime (quiet or not) doesn't really make you want to discontinue whatever behavior got you there. Also from a safety standpoint, I'm not sure locking him in is particularly wise (unless you have one of those split doors so you can lock the bottom but still see him easily and he can get your attention in an emergency.

That being said: Maybe he ought to go in his room and nap like the younger kids. if he doesn't want to sleep he can read quietly in bed, but it sounds like you both need to quiet, private time built into your day. If he actually sleeps then, you might find he's less moody for the other parts of the day. Tiredness can show up in a lot of unexpected ways (including hyperactivity... not that you said he's hyperactive, just that it's a surprising way to show you're tired).

Hope this helps.

T.

Quiet time is fine, but it should be distinctly different from discipline.

Time out, being very firm and consistent. Every time he disrespects, you use the time out being firm. Pick a chair or a place other than his bed room. Tell him, you are being disrespectful, this is not tolerated. I will come and get you is 4 minutes. When you do get him out of time out, give him a hug and ask him why he was in time out and make him tell you he is sorry. It's ok to tell him he hurt your feelings....

I am right there with ya sister! I could have written this entry so though I don't have much advise, I figure misery loves company! I do however use quite time because I find my son is usually tired when he acts out, but still won't take a nap. I haven't used a lock, but I set an alarm clock for 30 minutes and tell him he has to stay in bed (with books and stuffed toys, but quiet play only) until he hears the alarm. It works as good as a lock. I swear it's like magic. I think once in a dozen quiet time afternoons he fell asleep, but the quiet play still helps him settle down a bit. Good luck! Glad to know my kid isn't the only one having a tough time at four. Terrible twos???? Who says?

Have you taken note whether it's at about the same time of day that he usually shows this behavior? I ask because you mentioned that the other children are going down for a nap, and I'm wondering if perhaps he really needs a rest time too and that is part of the behavior problem. If so, what I would recommend is a place where he goes to lie down and rest for an hour at the same time that the others are napping. Tell him he doesn't have to sleep, but just rest quietly for the hour so he'll be more ready to play later. He will likely resist, because a child his age doesn't want to stop for anything. He may not even seem tired to you, but often if you have a child this age lie down, they will end up falling asleep and be in a much better mood when they wake up.
As for the comments he makes, "I don't like you" etc., I would simply tell him "that's ok, I sometimes don't feel like I like you either, but I still love you." He may be surprised to hear that his mother might not always like him, but I'm sure when he's behaving in an inappropriate way, you often feel that you don't. You might get the chance to go on and explain that his behavior makes you feel that way, but that he's still your son and you love him regardless of the behavior. I think unconditional love is an essential concept we need to give our children, and what better opportunity than during a behavior crisis?
The sticking out of his tongue could be ignored, but the spitting should definitely be something he is told cannot be happening. Tell him in a firm way that you are not going to accept him dealing with his feelings in that manner and that he needs to use words instead. Even the words that hurt are better than spitting (or even than the sticking out of the tongue). Try to teach him that when he's getting frustrated with his play, he can express to you what it is that's frustrating him. If it's something you can help with, do so. If it's not, then just give him some support by letting him know you understand frustration and maybe some guidance as to how he can overcome the particular problem that's frustrating him at the time. Even just a bit of encouragement such as "Oh! I see your block tower fell down. Now you have a chance to re-build it and maybe make a bigger or better one." Even offering to sit with him and do something may help.
Another thought just came to me regarding the time of day. Could he be unhappy because the others are napping and he's playing alone?
I hope some of this helps.

http://www.rosemond.com/--RosemondsbrBill-of-Rights-for-C...

Hi there,
Above is the link to John Rosemond's Bill of Rights for Children. We have this printed and on our refrigerator at child height, as well as on each child's bulletin board over her desk, where she may read it at her leisure.

As it relates to your situation: "Children have a right to scream all they want over the decisions their parents make, albeit their parents have the right to confine said screaming to certain areas of their homes." and "Children have the right to learn early in their lives that obedience to legitimate authority is not optional, that there are consequences for disobedience, and that said consequences are memorable and, therefore, persuasive."

In my opinion, as a parent you need to do what is going to be "memorable and persuasive" to YOUR child. You know him best, and if installing a lock on his room door and putting him in there for a few minutes is enough to get his attention, then by all means do it. I also think that you seem afraid of disciplining him, as if making him mad is something you want to avoid. YOU are the parent. You're in charge here (and if you're not, you need to be!). He answers to you, not the other way around. If he sticks his tongue out and spits, his whole world needs to stop. In my house, doing that would get that kid the spanking of a lifetime, accompanied by the loss of all privileges that child may currently enjoy, including being in the public areas of our home. You need to choose what your response will be, and you need to deliver that consequence to him calmly, quickly, and with as little discussion as possible. A simple, "That is NOT how you act in my house" will do it.

You are correct that you need to get a handle on this now. Can you imagine if he continues to act like this 10 years from now, when he will have fallen in with a bad crowd at school, will refuse to show up to class, might get into drugs or whatever else - and at that point you would be powerless to stop any of that because he wouldn't recognize you as the person who could make his whole world stop if he didn't listen to you! You are doing him a favor by teaching him that he must listen to you and abide by your rules - that although you love him very deeply, you do not give a flying fig what he thinks of you at any given moment in time! You're his mother, not his best friend, and he will thank you for that someday!

Best of luck, and hang in there.

Maybe you need to put emphasis on the part of it that he IS in trouble for sticking his tongue out at you and for back talking you. Tell it's disrespectful and tells you that he has no pride in himself or his family when he does that. You need to teach him asap to act in a way that is appropriate, and let him know when his behavior IS bad and Inappropriate

The quiet time is a great idea, but i do think that a lock is probably a bad idea. just set a timer and tell him that he needs to play for an hour quietly. My daughter did it for a long time, but be prepared for them to drag out every toy they own. When he says he's done early, or throws a fit, tell him you'll have to reset the timer and start over.