The relationship with my Mom has always been strained. I've consitantly reached out for the relationship I need from her and I always get excuses or "I don't know" or something else. Most of my life she worked hard to make ends meet while my father was disabled. I don't take that for granted, I do truly apprecaite her strength and sacrifice to provide for us. But after my father passed she continued to not "be there for me" like I needed and only offered empty promises.
She moved across the US to live with my brother who also has chosen to not have a relationship for me so it's been difficult, especially because she went out of her way to babysit when my brother married the boy's mom (as she had to go across the country to do so) and she's also been there bonding and growing the relationship since she's moved in so she was there to expereience the pregnancy of my niece, my brother's first biological child, yet she never really asks about my kids when I would talk to her.
The relstionship is rooted more in disappointment and let down than anything else and I can talk to aquaintances and feel more care to and from them in the phone call then most of the calls I have with her. When she would call it's "I'm going to the gym", "I'm going to work.... but here's what's happened at work lately", or "I'm with Anthony/Friends/your brother/etc."
I know it sounds like I'm complaining a lot but I'm just trying to share my story and honestly this is the way it is. I was the first to go to college in my family and she threw a huge fit and started a fight two days before. leaving me thinking she and my Dad wouldn't be there. I begged her to be a part of helping me plan my wedding but I always got the "I don't know how to do that....". I felt all my hopes and dreams crash down again and again. Each important thing she has always missed the mark and I'm tired of being vulnerable and getting hurt.
I read someone else's post about being disappointed in how her Mom was being a grandma and I read a few of teh comments and they really struck a chord with me because I feel like I keep giving her chances to be the Mom I need but she's always deciding that something else is more important. I've always appreciated what she was able to give but trying to move forward and be a better person/wife/mom/daughter/sister is proving difficult without her being there to be my mom. I'm very blessed to have a mom-in-law who's stepped up and met my needs but there is still a whole in my heart and nearly a month ago I realized that who I am and what I need out of our relationship is no where near what she is capable of giving and I needed a break from the disappointment. So I forwarded her calls straight to voicemail.... but in the last month plus since I did that she hasn't called, or left messages, she hasn't called my husband to reach out and yet she wonders why I'm upset. She also didn't try to contact my son for his birthday. She complains that she doesn't have money to come see us but she sent us $100 in gift cards rather than saving it to take a trip out here to see us. And we don't have the funds to get her here. This is the exact reason.... I feel like she doesn't care.
I know each of us is different but I also understand that I've done everything in my power (and I mean everything) to convey my needs for our relationship and each time I do and she fails to follow through in any and all ways I get hurt more and I'm in my thirties and tired of being hurt.
Guess I'm just looking for some support.....
Im sorry I have no advice. Just wanted to say, that I am sorry you have to go through that. I imagine that would be a very difficult thing to deal with.
But, I know it will make you a better mom because of it.
What I do when Im down is think about all the great things I do have. It helps a lot.
I, like you, have an incredibly selfish mother (or egg doner as I sometimes call her to myself). I did the therapy thing and it helped, but it took a LONG time, and the pain never goes away 100%. I have a polite, almost non-existant relationship with her, and that works for me.
One thing I tell myself that helps lessen the hurt - there are different kinds of mothers: lizard moms and doggie moms. Doggie moms stay with their young, nurse them, love them up, etc. Lizard moms lay eggs and move on. Lizards will not act like dogs, and dogs will not act like lizards. It's just not possible. I am a puppy with a lizard mom. It's not me, it's just how we're made and nothing I can do will change it.
I think you're on the right path....you have realized & are beginning to accept that you & your mom are two very different people.
The path to emotional healing lies ahead of you.....the next step is to understand & accept that your mom cannot be any more what you want of her, than you can be what she'd like out of you. It's a two-way street & you need to understand that!
You feel disappointment over her inability to step up to the plate when you need her. Conversely, she feels unable to assist you.....simply because that's not who she is & will never be. Is she selfish....I think we can all agree on that. BUT that's who she is....& that's where you're dropping the ball: please learn to accept her for whom she is, not your vision of what you'd like her to be. :)
& I want you to think about something you wrote: you started forwarding her calls straight to voicemail. & in the rest of the sentence, you proceeded to complain about the fact that she stopped calling & leaving messages!!! OMG, how do you even begin to believe that you can judge her for stopping her calls? You stopped taking her calls.....you started the process. Did you really believe that she would continue?
In the end, she gave you what you thought you wanted!! & it still wasn't good enough to please you! You weren't even happy with the gift cards at Christmas. I understand that you wanted a visit from her....but she's an adult & has the right to make her choices. $100 wouldn't make it very far across the USA.....
Soooo, I go back to my original thoughts: stop asking her to be what she's not. Learn to accept her for whom she is.....& life will be so much better. Would I want a mom like that.....nope! But the hurt will go away when you find a more peaceful path to take....
I just wanted to say I'm so sorry - this sounds so painful. I have a very self centered mother as well. I have come to realize my mom will never change. She will never be what I would like her to be and we will never have a close relationship. In her mind it is always all about her and she just cannot think any way else. I had to go through a period of mourning for the mom I will never have. And I feel more acceptance now - this is just the way it is and I cannot change things. I have a good and polite relationship with my mom, but we will never be as close as I wish we could. I'm sorry for all the hurt you have been through. It helped me to read a book called something like Will I Ever Be Good Enough, Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers.
You have to realize that the only person you can change is you. She is never going to be the mom that you need, never going to step up. Maybe you could go to therapy, talk to someone about it who can maybe help more than we could.
My mom has always been pretty selfish and distant, and only makes the effort when she sees someone else, like my aunt and Grandma, doing things that she should be doing. My daughter asked me the other day who my mom is. Even though she's married to my dad, who makes a lot of effort even though she only sees him a couple of times a year (due to distance) she talks to him on the phone all the time and knows who he is. She calls my Aunt "Aunt Grandma." I know it sucks. My daughter never even got a birthday card until my sister had a baby and I told her not to expect anything from Mom, which somehow got back to her and she doesn't want to look bad so she makes sure to send a card now.
But I know how my mom is, and I never expect any more from her. The only reason she came to see my daughter be born is because Dad wanted to be there. When I dream, I dream about my Grandma's house alot as a safe place. (being chased by zombies? Hide out at Grandma's! Need easy access to a Stargate? Grandma's got one in the basement! That sort of thing) Because she was always there for me and my mom wasn't. Still is.
I guess the point of my sharing all this with you is that now is the time to realize she's not going to change, and you have to stop expecting her to care more than she does. All you are doing is setting yourself up for disappointment and you deserve better than that.
I just read through: Coping With Your Difficult Older Parent : A Guide for Stressed-Out Children by Grace Lebow, Barbara Kane and Irwin Lebow - it was really helpful in dealing with my anger and guilt issues towards my MIL. Oddly enough, I found it helpful in dealing with my own mom as well. When I looked "difficult parents" up on amazon.com, there were quite a few other books out there as well. The book not only gave me good advice on how to handle certain situations (which is different for me since my MIL lives with us), but also gives good insight into the "whys" of their behavior - which helped alleviate a ton of guilt that I was responsible for their miserable behavior.
I'm really sorry you are going through this and it causes you pain. I don't know how how old you are but I am 45 and have had this most of my life. My mother up and moved to China seven years ago alone with no plans. I just deleted a laundry list of crappy things she has done but it doesn't matter, I can't change her.
The most amazing opportunity I was given was when I became a mother....I made a difference and appreciate it so much. Please, please enjoy your husband and son (and your in-laws), they are your future.
First I want to send you a big hug! I get where you are coming from...too well. While my mom was alive she wasn't always there for me because she was still caught up with her own disappointment in her mom. Mom died at 56 years of age still mourning for a mother's love (Grandma outlived Mom by 2 years). I also dealt with my dad not being their for me due to his alcoholism and selfishness.
Like others have said, you have to realize who they are and either accept them AS THEY ARE or move on completely. I stopped talking to my dad for several years until one day I realized that we would only have a relationship on my terms. Only until recently (in the past 3 years of my 38 years of existence) do I talk to my dad. I call him when I want to talk and if he calls me, it's a bonus ....NOT EXPECTED. Maybe I feel better because I feel like I'm in control of it (as much as I can be).
My advice: Call your *lizard* (from Patricia's post- love it!) mom on occasion and be cordial. Develop your relationship with your MIL and focus on being a *dog* mom. But please, find a way to move on sooner than later. It was very hard for me as a kid to watch my mom go through this FOR SO LONG.
I miss my mom terribly. And yes, friends can be as strong as family and I relish them. Best of luck, Mama. :)
I can understand where you are coming from. What we have to do is know that this is not the type of future we want for our children.Don't let yourself repeat the pattern. Show your children that you will always be there for them even after they are grown and have children of their own. Maybe your Mother sees in you the Mother she would have liked to have been. I was the youngest of four. I was also the only one that didn't run away from her. I stayed until I got married at 20. I was the one she had to move in with twice at 3 years each. I've been the one to take care of her, get her to the doctors and take her to get groceries. Now that she has Dementia, I am the scume of the earth in her eyes. She calls my daughter and tells her lies of things that I have done. My children are all grown. They grow up with her in their lives and they have many bad memories of it. My sister died a few years ago and her children rarely will call her unless I guilt them into it. My daughter is 25 with two children of her own, one being a new born. My Mother calls her now to say bad things about me and my daughter knows they are not true, but she has to deal with it. There is a mental issue that we are now aware of that goes back to before my father left us.
Yes, we miss what we didn't have, but our children can have a different life. I wanted my kids to understand that love could get us through anything. Maybe I did something right. My daughter still has me go to the Dr. appointments for her and the babies, my oldest son would spend hours online texting with me when he was overseas and not on duty and my youngest son took me on a cruise last year for Mother's Day. The grandchildren jump up and run into my arms when I go to the city to see them.(Normally once a week,lol) if longer then the 5 year old calls me to find out why it's been more than a week. It seems to have upset my mother that I choice to be so different than her. Maybe jealous. Needless to say that we were not breastfed, but my children were, she was asleep when she gave birth, and I had med-free natural birthing. I was in the room when my grandchildren were born and she was out in the hall when my kids were born. She could never understand why I would want to feel the pain of giving birth or having the babies suckle, she couldn't see that that short amount of time of pain could bring joy into the world and the suckling builds a lifetime bond. About 4 years ago I finally found out what she meant when she would mumble "I should have kept the other one" She gave my twin away at birth. I will soon be 50. Those involved in that and the paperwork have long since been gone. Only you have the power to let her hurt you, not her. Except her for how she is, not who she is. Teach your children what a parent and future grandparent is suppose to be like. Good luck and if you need me I am here to your East.
I've never had the relationship with my dad that's, um, ideal. He's not there for me the way a father should be for his daughter. It's caused a lot of anger and resentment. I'm on the road to forgiving because I've learned a valuable lesson.
I can't change who he is. I can't keep expecting him to give more than he's able to give. He has limitations that have absolutely nothing to do with me. He has failings that have absolutely nothing to do with me.
Therefore I keep my expectations of him very low. If he "outperforms" those expectations then it's a pleasant surprise. If he's his usual effing self, oh well, it was expected and I didn't have any emotional investment in hoping for something more. Why should I expect him to behave any differently when he's never done so before?
The same could be said of your mom. For whatever reason she can't be the specific dream mom that you want, so you have to learn to cope with the one that you have and come to terms with it. Adjust your expectations of her and realize that it's not a flaw within YOU. It's something innate in her. You don't have to change yourself or how you approach her to get the mom you want. You don't have to say something magical to make her realize how you're feeling that will turn on a light bulb in her head and make her change into a better mom. She is what she is. The only change will be how YOU choose to relate to her and how you choose to interpret her responses or lack of response.
Hey! I hear your pain, I have been there in similar ways. The reality is that she just can't do it and the sooner you accept it, the sooner you can stop beating your head against a wall. You need to figure out what your needs are and other ways to have them met. I am also blessed with a fabulous mother in law who never had a girl (lots of boys) and she is wonderful to me in ways that my mother just is not capable of being, particularly with her girls (I have two sisters and a brother). I think a lot of my mother's issues stem from her own childhood and a certain amount of jealousy she had about the lives we got to lead when her own childhood and a good chunk of her adulthood did not live up to her expectations. Your mom might have the same issue. They seem to do better with the boys because they are generally not as emotionally in touch with parents as girls continue to be. I have managed by creating some boundaries in order to keep myself from getting hurt any more and, more importantly, to keep my kids from getting hurt. It's a little sad because I think she is starting to figure out what she has been missing and what I just won't allow her to do because the likelihood of her creating an emotional mess is just too big for my kids' ages. However, not having us (all her girls) "need" her has actually made her a better mother than she would otherwise be because she realizes that our affection for her is not automatic, that we can actually turn it on and off, too. Not only that, but we've made it clear that we have taken steps because she is not emotionally trustworthy.
Know that you cannot change other people, you can only control your own behavior and your responses to other people.
Good luck!
