Madult Married Daughter

Asked and answered...the answers won't change. Back off and give her the space she needs. Find a hobby or something.

I don't mean this to sound harsh or mean so hopefully it doesn't come across that way . . .

It's not your daughter's job to take care of you emotionally. Keep the door open and try to keep your own ego out of it. She needs to know that you will be OK no matter what. This will comfort her. It's a little scary to try and figure out who YOU are as an adult, much less trying to manage and assuage the feelings of your parent at the same time.

Of course you have a right to your own feelings. Perhaps you can work through them with a trusted therapist or pastor.

When my husband and I were first married we were so busy with our careers we didn't have time for much else.
Around that time our parents spent a lot of time traveling and sending us post cards.
Keep the contact light and interesting.
It helps if YOU are busy so it seems to them that you are not waiting on them and hanging on their every word.
Join a class, learn something new (it gives you something to talk about with them).
Over the years I've taken belly dancing, basket weaving, and learned how to make a stained glass lamp (cut the glass and soldered it and everything).
It's always good to learn something new!
Your daughter will come around more often when she has the time.

ETA: Please stop erasing your original remarks. If you want to answer questions of your posters, please add the remarks below or in the So What Happened. You make it impossible for people to keep up.

We all understand the fear you have about the cancer. I'm sure it's really hard. You don't love too much. That's actually not a fair assessment when you say that. Other women love their kids too, and it doesn't mean they don't love enough when they give their married children space.

Your daughter is the one who knows what her issues are. She either will or won't share them with you. You might consider what I said below in regards to why she might be afraid to get close in case the cancer comes back.

Original:
Which one of you had the breast cancer?

Not quite sure what the difference in this and the last time you asked this question is, except that you seem to have gone back in to the last question days after you originally wrote it and changed what you wrote, deleting a good part of the content and adding the breast cancer part. It would have been better if you had left THAT question the same so that our answers would have made sense to THAT question. Then we could have compared the two questions. That's usually the best way to clarify after time has gone by. If you want to clarify right away, you use the SWH feature or you can add extra content to the original question.

As far as the breast cancer is concerned, I guess it depends on who had it. If it's you, then maybe she's afraid you'll get it again and she'll just go through agony knowing she'll lose her mother and it's easier to hold you a bit at arm's length. I seem to remember that you said that she stays away when she and her husband are fighting. Maybe she is afraid that you'll cloud her judgment about what to do with that, or maybe she gets depressed and doesn't want to see people.

If the breast cancer was hers, that's really personal and a kind of defense mechanism.

Either way, I wish you both luck. Once a month is not bad, C.. I don't live near my mom and I see her a lot less.

You daughter may be trying to be her own person living her own life with her husband.

If you are the one that had the cancer, I would suggest to you to find some things for you to do for you. The experience of the cancer diagnosis changes the person and family involved and priorities change. It is part of the disease. She will always be your daughter but there comes a time when she is her own person and has her own complete and separate life from you. You must understand that and learn to live with it. Do find hobbies and other people your age to visit with. Take a class or join a book club to fill the time.

I know it is hard to do sometimes but it will be healthier for both of you if you do this. I am a breast cancer survivor and have a daughter. She has her own life and checks on me but I don't make it mandatory that she do this. Perhaps your actions or voice tone have made you sound needy.

You must choose a clear path in life and walk in it. Enjoy your new found freedom and live your life to the fullest everyday. Go swing from the rafters. Stop and smell the roses along the way.

the other S.

When you do reach out to her are you vague and saying, "Hey, I'd like to see you more often," or are you specific and saying, "Do you have time for lunch sometime this week? Tuesday's good for me."

If you haven't been specific, that's what I would try. Very casual, lunch, movie, something else you've enjoyed in the past.

Just telling her you want to see her more often puts pressure on her to initiate something. You need to initiate.

She is an adult. You seem to be making this all about you. You really sound needy and this probably comes across to your daughter. It sounds like your behavior is making this worse. You need to back off and concentrate on your own life.

Text her occasionally with brief messages like, "Love you," Thinking about you," "How's it going," etc.

They almost always come around. You just have to give them their time to separate. Keep being loving. It sucks to be the underappreciated mother, but if you keep taking the high road and being loving, you will win out in the end. Hang out with your friends during this time and keep busy.

I think a lot of the answers to your last question would apply here. I'm not clear from the way you worded this whether you had the aggressive breast cancer, or she did. If it was you, then facing your health crisis might make you feel that life is short, but she might not want to deal with that. If she was the one with BC, then she might resent you wanting to spend more time with her and reminder her of her fight. Either way, it sounds like you are needier than she is, and that clingy attitude can actually drive people apart.

I suggest you find a way to GIVE to someone else - volunteer at a senior center, help babysit at a local gym, read to school kids, do a neighborhood drive for the food pantry, visit people in nursing homes who are missing not only their kids but their lives of mobility and freedom, anything to get your out of yourself and feeling that you have more of a purpose. It sounds like you have a lot to time, so you're the sort of person people and organizations can really use. And your experiences will give you a lot to talk about as well, making you more interesting to converse with. You might find your daughter wants to spend more time with you if she doesn't feel you are so desperate and not satisfied with the time she already gives you. But you should be thrilled that you see her once a month, and happy that she has other enriching activities and friends to fill her life.

My mother has lived a long and fulfilling life because she never wanted to be a burden, never wanted to lean on us entirely for her social life. It's made her a better person and it's made our relationship much more rewarding.

Is the real issue that you feel vulnerable after your cancer? Have you ever just said, "I feel like life is precious now that I've been through cancer and family is even more important. Can we...?" And then accept if a weekly dinner or weekly call isn't her thing or if schedules and life get in the way. Frankly, I don't see my mom even once a month, and it's not for not trying or not wanting. If she has a busy life and still sees you monthly, then accept that is the schedule she can commit to. If you feel scared or lonely, perhaps a new hobby will help.

ETA: While it's great that you had a good relationship with your mom, you can't force your daughter to have the exact same. Maybe what worked for you is smothering to her. You need to work with who she is, not who you and your mother are. Is she your only child? Your only daughter?

Didn't you just post this exact question about a week ago?

Exactly why do you keep posting the exact same question?

I think the answers you received when you previously asked about this were pretty spot on. Every person is different. We don't know you and we don't know *how* you are bringing this up and how she perceives this. You had previously stated that you thought they were taking space because they were working things out. I think you really need to respect her wishes. I'd just offer to do short, fun things from time to time-- treat her to lunch or a pedicure or whatever you both liked to do before.

Other than that, there really isn't much you can do. My best advice would be try not to make it about you, unless you do think this really is about you, and then if that's the case, maybe some self-assessment? In a situation like this, though, it's really difficult to know what else to suggest.

It's tough when family or even friends may not seem to have the same priorities as we do OR they seem to view things differently. In her mind, she may see you a lot and to you, it's not enough.. you definitely can't crowd her space but what you can do is this... drop her a line and or call.. be specific and say, I'd love to go to this or that (a play, lunch, exhibit) whatever you think she likes to do.. If it's something with specific dates, then she may have to answer you with an immediate yes or no. Thing, my experience has been that when we seem needy, sometimes people don't know how to handle that especially IF they are having their own issues, then to "deal" with someone else can seem like too much work.. The other thing you can do is when you see her face to face, sit down and have a talk. .ask her how she is doing and what's been going on.. she may be an adult herself but that doesn't mean she may not still see you as mom, which in her eyes might mean, moms and dads take care of themselves and hence, why does she have to make sure you are ok. I don't mean for that to sound cold, but I do think it's a kind of thinking that can take place in a relationship between parent and child... even if the child is grown..
This isn't something you are going to figure out asap.. also.. IF she and her husband aren't in a good place, could be she doesn't want to burden you (being as you had cancer and all) and too.... could be that again, dealing with other relationships outside of her own is just too much to handle.. it's nothing personal but probably more of a way of trying to cope and keep her head above water..

I understand that your cancer experience, that you have put a greater value on family. But your daughter has not had this experience and it sounds like your daughter has her own issues to deal with. This is not about you, this is about her and the fact that she may be going through a hard time. She may be working hard on her marriage issues, or she and hubby may not like going to family events together if there is tension between them. Maybe suggest a girls lunch or dinner, where she can visit with you without her hubby, as long as she feels that you wont' ask or grill her about her marital problems. Good luck.