Lying - Englewood,CO

I have found the most important thing is to let natural consequences happen--love the ice cream/cereal response! If you get on your soap box and punish you are giving them undue negative attention (maybe they are looking for attention?!), so you need to let them get 'caught'. Tell friends and have them in on the 'joke'. They need to be called to the mat subtly, but effectively and not just by Mom & Dad. They aren't stupid and they do think about why things didn't go the way they planned. We all learn by consequence--don't touch that-it's hot--they touch and get burned. The most effective lessons are those that teach. It works for more things than just lying, and sometimes consequences can have penalties (like losing privileges). I had a son who lied (all minor stuff-like the hand washing), and I could lecture and punish til the sun went down in the west, but it wasn't until he paid the price outside the home that he figured it out. I wish I had this advice when he was tiny...I would have been a much better mommy! He now knows better.

A fried of mine talked to a counselor about the same problem. This is what the counselor suggested:
When the incident happens, don't say anything.
Later, when you ask the child for something they want, give them something different and say "Well, I thought maybe you were lying like you did earlier." The example of this went something like this:
The child said they had eaten macaroni for dinner when the mom KNEW the child had hot dogs - because mom is the one who fixed them! Mom didn't say anything. When dessert time came around, mom says "What kind of ice cream would you like?" Child says "vanilla." Mom says "Okay." And proceeds to fix a bowl of cereal. Child is confused and upset. Mom says, "Well, you lied earlier about what you ate, so I thought maybe you were lying this time. When you lie I don't know when to believe you."
She said this worked very well to illustrate the problem of lying to the 8-year-old, and I think it would work together with the other suggestions here.
Wish your friend good luck!

Talk to them about trust. Let them know that always being honest with Mom and Dad is very important.

Then, don't ask them questions they'll lie about. If they do lie, give them a second chance to be honest without confronting them: "Are you sure your room is clean...because I'm going to go check it when I'm done washing off the table. Maybe you should run in and double check." or "are you sure your hands are washed? maybe you should run in and double check or it's really important to wash your hands so you don't get sick. Maybe you should go back and make sure you got all the dirt off."

My mom smells the kids' hands for soap, but I don't like that.

Wow, great answers below! I couldn't add anything better. Great job, ladies! I love this site!!!

I agree with Deb. Lying is one of those things you want to nip in the bud, ultimately because trust needs to be in place with our kids. I heard once that kids lie for different reasons at different stages in life, but ultimately when they are older it is a reflection of your relationship with them. It's important they get this when they are younger! One thing I did with them was repeatedly explain that if they lied to me about something, then it might be harder for me to believe them in a situation when they were telling the truth. There were times when I would, in fact, question their word about something if they had recently lied to me. I also made it abundantly clear that while they would receive a consequence for any misbehavior, it would be a much more serious one if it were accompanied by a lie. I made sure to really clarify this on many occasions in order to end the whole 'lying to cover up their misdeeds' kind of thing. They eventually really turned around, to the point that my middle child would once in a while come up to me in tears, confessing some lie she had told about something like a year ago! Now that my kids are 16, 14 and 10, I very rarely deal with any lies. Oh, I'm sure there are a handful here and there, but I know the character of my kids is basically very honest. They are even willing to own up to wrongdoing. I hope that this might help, and that your friend is able to find a way that works for her family.

With my little girl, when I realized she had lied to me, I "stopped believing" anything she said to me. If she told me anything, I told her I didn't believe her. It really upset her. Then I explained that I didn't believe her because she had lied to me - so I didn't know what to believe anymore. I explained that that's how trust works. Then we made a deal that if she promised to always tell me the truth, I promised to always believe her. It has worked really well for me. It was the best way I could think of to teach her the natural consequence for lying.

I put them strait to time out every time. I make sure they know it is because they lied to me. I would rather them tell me the truth (that they didn't clean their room) then lie. Make sure they know if you lie, you have a worse consequence then if they told the truth about not doing it.

It depends on her age. My rules are if you lie, you will be in serious trouble period. I do not tolerate lying at all.
Nor did my parents from me. If she is younger then standing over her to ensure it gets done and calling her out on her lying and catching her in the act is important. Then giving her one chance to retract her statement. If she is older, consequences.

So for now when she asks her to do something have her stand over the daughter and watch her. If the child protests the best thing to respond with is "well you have lied so many times to me that I cannot believe it, so I am watching you to make sure it gets done". Then if she does lie, consequences. Things taken away, priviledges lost and early bedtimes work at my house.

I have taught both of my kids that trust is earned, and if the trust is broken they have to redeem themselves.
I will look them in the eye if I think they are lying and ask "well, do you want to tell me the truth again?" and give them a second change to fess up. If they choose to lie again, then sent to bed very early and then let them know they have to earn my trust back. When they do tell the truth I really praise them for it!

Kids hate being micro managed and if she stands over her due to her daughters choices to lie, then the daughter has nobody to blame but herself. Reminding children that they do have choices to make good or bad decisions and to practice and teach: stopping and thinking before they make the wrong ones is so important I think. Holding a child accountable for bad decisons the early the better. I told my daughter the other day I don't expect her to never make a mistake, but it is my job to teach her there are consequences and to learn from her mistake. That the rest of her life for the wrong choices there will be consequences. I told her I get upset because she knows the right thing to do and if she chooses to do the wrong thing, then she has to accept the punishment along with it. Her deal she did it, not me.

I think prevention is more important than punishment here. You don't mention ages but I think honesty is a vague concept for young children who are just learning to express themselves verbally at all. It can be hard to differentiate between what you're thinking about and what really happened when you're five.
I talk about "trusting and verifying" with my kids. Like, I ask my six-year-old to go wash his hands and then when he comes back I say,"Did you wash your hands already?" and when he says "yes," I say, "Can I sniff the new fruity soap on your hands?" If he really washed well, he's pleased to let me sniff his hands and we laugh about my exaggerated sniffing. If he didn't wash well, he says, "Oh, whoops--I forgot to use soap," and goes back to do the job so he can have the positive attention from me. Same with chores. If they say they're done, I say, "Oh, I am so excited to be able to vacuum without sucking up one single toy on the floor!" If they did a good job, they are also excited and say, "Yes, Mom, you will love it!" but if not they will say, "OH, wait--we have to fix something." Sometimes I ask, 'Do you think I will be happy when I see your work?" and they answer honestly and go fix the problem if it still needs work. This way it's not a question of their honesty (which they are still learning about) but of completing a job to my satisfaction (which is mroe concrete and better understood).
I agree with the response that said it's important to be specific, because some "dishonesty" may be a genuine misunderstanding. I think it is so important to reinforce honesty so children know they can trust us to believe them and help them. You can thank your children for telling the truth, say positive things like, "I am so happy I can trust you to do what you say you are going to do," and talk to them about how complicated life can be when people are not honest.
Best wishes!

No advice but interested to see what the responses are as I sometimes have this problem.

M.,
First of all, I can't help but wonder why your friend asked a question that she already knew the answer to.
Aside from that if this was my child I would ask myself why she doesn't feel comfortable telling me the truth.
With my whole heart, C.

it is important that you reitterate the importance of telling the truth. how proud you are of them. i tell my kids that no matter what they tell me i will love them and will be disappointed if they don't love me to tell me the truth.
i too give my kids one chance to retell the story and i have the kids watch out for each other.(spy)so before i say the if they lied i ask the other child if they know the truth.(in private) i hope that makes sense.
good luck and god bless

One thing that you might think about is being specific in what you ask. Telling your daughter to go clean her room and not being specific about each thing (make a check list) that you want done isn't really lying. She may have picked up a few things but not everything that you thought should be picked up. She is testing to see what she can get away with. She is thinking that you didn't say that when you list all that she did't do. Leave no room for the lie. Just a suggestion. Do this in all things.