Lying - Liverpool,NY

I had a problem with my daughter lying, she's now 23 with a 6 mo. old daughter of her own. When I knew she was lying I asked to see her tongue, I told her that when she was lying she got a black spot on the back of her tongue and only the person she lied to could see it. When she lied she didn't want to show me her tongue, when she wasn't she would stick her tongue out and say and I'm not lying either see.

My daughter hasn't started doing this yet (she's only almost 2), but I have read that it is very common, and that you must remember that they are usually not really "lying" in the adult sense (i.e., they are not telling a falsehood to fool you). At this age, their understanding of reality and fantasy is still really confused, and they often think that if they say something, then it will come true. Or, very often, the child is just trying to please you, and tells you what they think you want to hear so you'll be happy. This "lying" manifests itself at this age because they are usually pretty good communicators by this age. I wouldn't punish your daughter too much about this, but you should explain to her why it is better to tell the truth, and reward her when she does. Show her that you are happy when she tells the truth, no matter what it is!

M.,
My almost 4 year old son does this too, and it started just after he turned 3. My friends in early childhood development tell me that, while infuriating at times, it is completely normal. It also shows an high level of intelligence and developing intellect. She is creating alternative realities and testing them out on you. She wants to see what happens when she lies to you; what your reaction will be.

In our house, deal with the small lies as such:

"My toys got themselves out". We'd say, "wouldn't it be a neat world where toys could come alive and play with you?"

We try to respond to him with a comment about, "in your imagination?" so that he can change his story without feeling bad about lying. We also try to engage him to start a conversation about it. After a few minutes we ask again, and he usually will tell the truth.

As for situations when someone has been hurt (he as a baby sister) or he is engaging in dangerous behavior, we have a zero tolerance policy. Although he hasn't stolen anything yet, this is another point of zero tolerance. We tell him we know that he's not telling the truth and ask him to think about it. Then ask again. He'll persist for a while, but in between asking him again, we'll tell him "we are not mad, but we need the truth. We need him to be kind and safe with himself and others and we will not tolerate unsafe/unkind behavior". Finally, he'll tell the truth and we'll add, "I'm sure you are sorry for what you did, right?" We'll also add, "thank you for telling us the truth. It was hard to do, but it was the right thing to do. We are so proud of you. Thank you."

My husband and I try to keep each other up to date on "deals" we make with him so that the other knows what's going on. Sometimes, my husband will say no to something in a statement form loud enough for it to carry to where I am, knowing that my son will come to me and tell me, "daddy said yes". This helps us with a united front and consistent responses to requests. It also keeps us from arguing over who's the pushover!

You can't make it stop, but you can sometimes redirect it to something productive or make a lesson out of it. Try to remember that she does it because she's brilliant and trying to figure out boundaries to her world and social interactions. You can show her those boundaries in an age-appropriate way without embarrassment to her.

Good luck and know that every mom and dad with a 3 year old is there with you!

Cheers

M.,
Not that this makes it any easier but it is a stage she is going through. What you need to do is every time she tells one of you something tell her you will ask the other person. For example if she says "Daddy said I don't have to pick up the blanket," you turn around and say "well then I guess I will just have to ask Daddy and if he didn't say it then you will not get to do (whatever she likes)." If she tells the truth then you let her do something special like make cookies with you or stay up 15 minutes later or better yet go to the library and pick out a book to read together. The important thing is reward her for good behavior and punish her for the lying. I went through this with my daughter at her age and then my sons too. Trust me I know it tries your patience, but if you deal with it now hopefully it will all work out. I am here for you if you need me.
Hugs,
T.

My daughter just started doing this and she is 3 as well. I don't think that she really understands what a lie is yet so I am trying to use this as an opportunity to teach her. I won't start punishing her for lying until I know that she understands what it is and that it is wrong.
I read a few of the other responses and I find it interesting reading what others say about this stage in development. I look forward to reading all the other posts when I have more time. Thanks for asking the question.
B.

There was a great article in Parents magazine last summer about this - maybe the July issue? She's not lying to fool you and probably doesn't understand fully what a lie is. Often times, they forget that something has happened and the story they make up in regard to it is plausible to them - yet not truthful. She's not engaging in harmful behavior and doesn't have the mental capacity to be truly 'lying' at this stage. She may be testing boundaries - but you're the mom. "Daddy never fed me lunch today"...I say, "Really, you didn't have lunch - that sounds awfully silly that daddy didn't give you lunch!" "I already picked up my books"..."It looks like they didn't stay put away! Let's clean them up good this time so they stay on the bookshelf."

You make this behavior stop by letting her go through this developmental stage - it's normal. When she was an infant and putting everything in her mouth - you stopped her when it was unsafe, but let her explore the world around her at the same time. Of course there are limits and it's a good time to teach the lesson of what is truthful and what is not, but it's developmental!

I tend to think you need to make her take responsibility for her lies. Firmly tell her to stop the lie and remove her from the situation and do time outs with her. Stay with her during time outs...calmly explain to her what she said is simply not true and bad and it hurts your feelings, it hurts Daddy's feelings. Explain she needs to apologies and tell the truth. Follow thru on those apologies and having her tell the truth of the given situation you had removed her from. If it ends well, give her a hug...let her know you love her.
Stay with it, don't give in....with a little time she'll stop doing this once she realizes her lies aren't working.
Be sure when she does tell the truth...not to come down hard on her for what she has done wrong...stay cool..be supportive of her in telling the truth...give her a chance to correct what she caused or said...remember, we all learn from our mistakes...even little ones.

"thank you for telling me the truth about this...now lets clean up the mess and make things better" work with her...as you do let her know this is an awful mess you aren't happy with and let her know you want her to be more careful. You might want to make a rule of putting one toy or game away before taking out another to help her be more organized.
Her father has to get active with this as well. When she lies to Daddy, he needs to confront it the same way as you...
"Are you sure Daddy said yes....or are you sure Daddy did this...I don't think so...lets check this out with him." After Daddy tells both of you he said NO...or NO I didn't make that mess...it's Daddy's turn to remove her out of the situation and take her into time out and follow through on it....

If both you and your husband work together on this, the change will happen faster....

Call her on it - she knows she's lying. If she says Daddy didn't feed me lunch ask if that is what Daddy will tell you when you call him. If she says yes, call him. Make sure there are consequences for her actions (I used to punish my children twice - once for the deed, once for lying). If the books on the floor are not hers - then maybe they should be given away? If her toys have a habit of jumping out of the basket on their own, perhaps they should be "punished" and put in the garage/shed for a while until they learn their lesson. This is a power struggle. Take it in stride and don't become furious, but deal with it swiftly and calmly. You are in charge. There should be a serious consequence for lying about Daddy saying yes to something that he said no to. Playing each parent off the other is not acceptable and MUST be stopped (before she's in her teens) or you will have some serious problems later on. Good luck.

Does she make up fantastic stories? This is the age that their imagination kicks in. They accept the creatures they see on TV as real, which is why they have 'monsters' under their beds. While its important that she learn to tell the truth, its also important not to stifle their creativity. I wouldnt dwell too much on the fact she is lying, but rather making things up. Dont ask her how things happened, if you see markers on the floor tell her to pick them up. When she says she didnt do it, tell her you dont care how they got there, just pick them up. Or you dont care what daddy said. The more you argue with her the more she will use her imagination to get away with stuff.

Hi M.. At 3, they aren't always sure of the difference between reality and fantasy. From stuff they see on t.v., they may think that toys can get themselves all over the floor. They don't have the maturity or sense of reason to realize that we adults will KNOW that what they are saying is not the truth. Sometimes they will say what they WISH was true. I would say that for things like picking up books or toys, don't ask how they got there. Simply show her that the things are there and tell her that she is to clean them up, no excuses or comments needed. If she is playing you and husband against each other, you need to clearly communicate with each other what the rules are and if he said that she couldn't do something and she asks you, there needs to be a serious discussion of how this is not allowed and that there will be a consequence for asking the other parent for something that mom/dad already said no to.
Overall, don't ask a lot of questions that could lead to lengthy "explanations," just tell the 3 year old what you want for her to do. With things like saying that dad didn't give her lunch, maybe she doesn't know that if she's still hungry, she can simply say that she wants something more to eat. If she's asked in the past, has the answer been, "Well, did you have lunch?" "Yes" "Then you don't need anything else to eat"? If that's how things may have gone, then she's finding a more creative way to express her needs. Think about what she may be looking for by telling these untruths. Good luck!

Have you asked her why she is lying? Sounds like attention getting behavior. Make sure you call her on everything. Let her know that the TRUTH always comes out. My grandmother used to say everything always comes out in the wash and it does.

My son did that, right after he turned 3, I was told it is very common. He would tell me daddy did not feed me (while I was at work). So my DH then made a big happy deal out of feeding or going out to eat and he would talk about it later so that when I asked what did daddy feed you, he would then go and tell me, they had frijoles y arroz and they had fun and he was very happy! I think it was related to me being away for work and he was trying to play me I suppose as you said. Honestly my DH and I both feel like I maybe *funner* than he so husband had to slightly change to make sure they felt like it was very fun with him too.. If he says something like he doesn't know how this mess happened, I just oh no, that makes me so sad, will you help me clean it up and he does.. But the lying really didn't last very long, now he is mostly honest! They change a little everyday! I would not *focus* on the lying or she will thrive on the attention and keep it up..

Young children don't lie the same way that older kids do. Young children are trying to control their world and are telling you something that they would like to be the truth. Don't make a huge deal out of it since it's no something she's given a lot of thought to. Instead decide with your hubby what she is and is not allowed to do. When you ask her to pick something up and she says that her dad said she didn't have to tell her something like, "Oh well I'm your mom and I'd like that picked up." Don't get in a discussion over how the toys got all over the floor. You already know it's because she put them there so instead of saying something like since you played with them you need to pick them up say 'ok it's time to put all the toys away.' You can make it a contest with her to see how many toys she can put away by doing it with her and trying to beat her.

Dear M.,
You have only just begun! These are not simple lies - and should not be treated as such. She is learning early to manipulate you, and her father! She needs to be reprimanded for each time she's caught in a lie and you need to follow through with consequences. Just think, she's three. What will she create when she is nine, twelve, or sixteen? Kids will always try such tactics. The important thing is to squash them early, before they blossom into enormous issues.
Be strong, be assertive, and I wish you luck.\
W.