Hey Mamas,
So I have a little issue that has developed recently with my older son. He is almost four and goes to sleep with a pretty low amount of drama, after a good amount of work on our part! We had the routine down to bath, pjs, cuddles, story, sleep. Well one night, I can't remember why, I sang him a lullaby. I just made it up and he loved it. Well now, every time I put him to bed, he HAS to have a lullaby. But then he doesn't want this lullaby, but that one and in the middle of that one it's 'oh no, do this one!'. It's down right irritating honestly. On the nights his father puts him to bed I usually take a few mintutes to just decompress, well now he begs his father to come ask me to come and sing him a lullaby. It has become a control thing and a way to have just those few more seconds before he has to go to sleep. So last night, I did not sing him one after his father put him down. Tonight, I did story time and at the end I told him no lullaby. He started crying etc and said he just can't get to sleep without a lullaby. I told him that until he stopped having a tantrum every time I didn't do a lullaby, I wouldn't be doing one again. I told him it was supposed to be a nice thing for us to share sometimes not something he could demand and get all upset about. My question is why are kids like this? Why do they latch onto something you do as if bc you did it once they are suddenly entitled to it and how do you handle it? Like me, or do you have a different approach? Thanks moms....
Sounds like you handled it fabulously, and I think you are right...it's about control. It is SOOO frustrating. Seems like you try to do something different or fun, and they have to have it every time. I feel like I have to be so careful about doing anything, or have to preface it with " just this time"! I think it's just a kid thing. Handling it like you did should help him learn that it doesn't really work though, so stick to you guns!
So, why not sing him his lullaby. Make some boundaries around it so that he doesn't get to ask for a different one after you've started one, if tht makes you crazy. and/or that you'll sing 3 nights/week only. Rules that allow you both to get what you want.
I doubt that he feels entitled to it. He likes lullabys. It feels to me from the way you wrote this question that you've put yourself into a power struggle with him. Because he wants a lullaby you don't want to sing one for him.
I just don't understand why you don't just sing him a lullaby some of the time. A simple request easy to do. I'd feel pleased that he liked my lullaby, actually.
Well, I already complained once today about childrens books. For the most part they are stupid and have so little words it takes nearly no time at all to read them to a kid. I end up reading 4 or 5 sometimes just to get the few minutes to make bedtime nice. I also will sing 3 or 4 songs and make stuff up sometimes just to add to it. She loves it and I love her so Im willing to do this to give her a nice naptime or bedtime. Why dont you go to the clock and sing a few of his favorite lullabys and time how long it takes you. Is that too much to ask for your precious child? I bet its not more than 2 minutes, by the clock. He deserves a few songs and a book or 2 every night if you ask me.
My almost 4yr old son recently went through a phase where he wanted me to tell him a story. I did it one night because we couldn't agree on a book to read so I told him a story - I think it was about having a new baby brother in the house (I have a 3mo old). Anyway, for a couple weeks probably after that, if I put him to bed, he wanted me to tell him a story, usually that one although I did manage to make up some other story once or twice. He would let daddy put him to bed with no issue. So, my point is, maybe this is just a phase and he'll be done with it after a couple weeks (I don't think you said how long this has been going on). Also, you say he's your older son, do you have a baby that you sing lullabies to - maybe he's just wanting the same right now. I would just tell him you are only singing one lullaby (he can choose which one) but that's it. If he stops you and wants you to change it then the lullaby is over for the night. That way you still have control, but he feels like he gets some control by picking it. And if he's like my son he'll test you on that first to see if you really will stop singing and not give in to him wanting to change it - stick to your guns though, this is the age for control issues! Good luck!
Way to stand your ground. He is just learning to see when he can get what he wants and when he can't. Any good thing can become a bad thing if it is turned into a control issue. Most kids want to know what they have control of and what they don't. I think you did a great job by telling him that a tantrum will never get him what he wants. Never give in to him when he exhibits bad behavior because he will learn that if he keeps doing it, he can wear you down.
oh, he's only four! he's not controlling, he's just a little guy who has found a routine that he loves that is comforting, sweet and doesn't hurt you one little bit.
both of my boys went through LONG phases where they not only wanted the same bedtime stories, but they had to be told the same way with the same emphases and inflections in the same places. and i was happy to oblige. that didn't mean they got to be rude, or decide what we were having for dinner, or make up the family rules. it meant they went to sleep happy.
please sing to your little boy. he's not trying to control you and he doesn't feel entitled. he just wants his mommy to sing him a lullaby.
there's just nothing whatsoever subversive about that.
:( khairete
S.
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He just doesn't want a sweet, good thing to end. I don't see a control issue with that, but more of a preference....he gets a little more of you before going to bed.
Since you like to unwind while dad is putting him down, can you sing him his lullaby right before the whole bedtime routine? Just pick him up, sing it to him, then dad takes him away?
Dont they have some stuffed animals that you can record your voice into? I'd get me one of those and make him settle with one favorite lullaby after story time.
My daughter can be the same way. Whenever I do allow something different, like an extra story, I tell her "Just this time - this won't be all the time!" but I have been really careful about keeping with the routine we have. I also have to "head her off at the pass" - I usually know what she is going to try to pull to stall bedtime so I let her know upfront that if, for example, she lets me pick the stories to be read, she can't change her mind halfway through.
I think I read or heard somewhere that its a kid's job to try to get as much as they can and they will always want more. It's just how they are programmed. Keeping that in mind has made it much easier for me to say no to DD's requests and demands and not feel like such a "mean mommy!". And all kids, especially at this age, will test you and test their limits and try to see where you will give in if they are persistent enough (and some kids are more strong-willed and persistent than others!).
If you can be okay with adding a lullaby to the nightly routine, then do it, but make it clear to your son that you are only singing one, and he is not to keeping asking for a different one. If he is not cooperating with the rest of the routine, or he starts acting up, the consequence is he does not get a lullaby and the bedtime routine is cut short. My daughter is the same age and she knows that if she starts acting up and being silly in the middle of story time, instead of being a good listener, story time is done and she is going straight to bed. But in the grand scheme of things, it won't be long before he feels like he's too old and too big for bedtimes stories and lullabies, and you could find yourself wanting to be able to do the bedtime routine, just one more time...
Sing to your baby... you'll miss it later. and really, isn't it awesome that he loves your voice so much, he's begging for it?? i sing 4 songs to my daughter every night before she falls asleep... 3 real lullabys then the 4th one is made up and i use words from the day that we had together and the next day coming up.... she loves it!
He could just be trying to drag out bedtime, which is pretty typical.
My kids liked me singing to them too and when they did the "No....not THAT one" thing, I said, "Fine. Mommy's tired. I'm going to lay down by you and cover up and you sing to me this time. You pick the song and I'll listen."
It worked with stories too.
It really helps to tell them to think about what song or story they want ahead of time. No changing in the middle...it's not the top 20 countdown, you're not singing everything you know or reading 1/2 of a dozen books until you stumble on the right one.
Get index cards. Together, make a separate card of all the songs he likes and he's used to. Decorate the cards together. Put stickers on them. Let him pick a card each night. That's the song you sing to him or he sings to you and he can pick a different card the next night. Or....get the same one, who knows? But, like I said, do it well before it's time to actually lay down, agree on it, look forward to it. Let him fan the cards out and take turns letting you pick.
I call it Lullabye Go Fish. Or Story Go Fish.
It's creative, inexpensive, a new concept, and a way to make it fun and somewhat structured instead of a struggle.
Little kids love that kind of stuff.
Try it. Let me know how it goes.
Best wishes.
Wow... I'm just... your little boy loved your singing so much that he's BEGGING you to do it every night. He wants that soothing and sweet (supposedly :-) ) voice and happy ending to his day to be part of his bedtime routine. But you're refusing. How about instead of punishing him for his indecision, you offer him a choice of songs from the start. Tell him what his choices are from two songs, that those are his only two choices, and you'll sing whichever one he chooses. Don't waver, don't get angry with him, just establish that this is how it's going to be. If he cries or gets upset then you say, "I'm sorry, I guess tonight you've chosen not to have a lullaby at all?" He'll settle down and pick one once he realizes that you're serious that it's those or nothing.
Hmmm...I guess I have to agree with some of the other moms...it won't be long before he not only won't want you to sing, he will resist your hugs and kisses too. My 6 year old daugher's routine included for as long as I can remember me reading her a story and her dad singing her two lullabies while rubbing her back. She recently started insisting that I sing her a lullaby and rub her back after storytime; she sometimes allows my husband to sing just one lullaby, other times she insists he sing the usual two. We indulge her because, since she is our 3rd (the others are 12 and 14), we know how short-lived the drawn-out bedtime routine really is (although I have to say my older daughters do use bedtime as a time to 'decompress' with me, so the routine hasn't really gotten shorter, just different). We do have our bedtime issues...the youngest likes to start asking for food at bedtime, and when we tell her she can't have anything but fruit, she will start to whine and cry, but we just close the door and generally she goes to sleep. (Sometimes she will actually eat the fruit, showing us she really was hungry.) But we go ahead and do the stories and the lullabies because what can it really hurt? We know we will miss it when she no longer wants or needs it.
Maybe the music is soothing to him.....
What about trying a music box instead?
