Loss of a Child or Spouse

it's twofold: I want to be able to mention my daughter, but I am very aware of the discomfort it brings. Not many people know what to say, & it's pretty much a conversation stopper.

But if I don't mention her, then I feel it is a dishonor & disservice to her.

What do I want to hear? Kindness, & then let the moment move on....

I lost my son 5 years ago. He was 3. When it comes up, I like it when they say something like"I'm sorry" But I have had people say nothing and change the subject and it seems very rude to me and it makes me feel very awkward.

I think that you always say "Oh, I'm so sorry." And then let the person talk. NEVER just let it pass. Saying your sorry is NEVER a mistake. It is best not to pry by asking questions. If the person talks about it willingly, it means that they need to talk about it. And what you do is listen and show them with your face, or with a hug, that you care.

Dawn

I always appreciate it if someone simply says "I am so so sorry for your loss". My son passed away 11 years ago when he was 17 days old.

It would depend on how recent the loss was. Condolences are appropriate for a recent loss. "I am so sorry for your loss", a hug or some other recognition of the pain they are experiencing.

For an older loss, take the cue from the person speaking. If they brush over the loss, don't dwell on it. If they speak of the person fondly, something like "he must have been a joy" or "you were blessed to have her in your life". But if they are still actively grieving, a "I wish I could have known him" is always good.

I usually just say, "Oh, I'm so sorry for your loss". Then follow their lead. I wouldn't ignore it.

I think I would want the person to simply acknowledge it and if anything, say sorry. I wouldn't want it to be ignored. I've never gone through this but I met a woman who had lost her son at the age of 2. She amazed me. Even though I know she must have gone through unthinkable pain, she talked about her son with a smile on her face and in such a positive way. She always responded to people that she had 4 children although only 3 of them were living. She was comfortable talking about him and the charity she had established in his name. In her case, talking about him made her feel better. I'm sure this isn't the case with everyone though so I think it's important to read a person and follow their lead.

Depends on what they say, how long ago it was, etc. Sometimes it's just "I'm sorry for your loss." My SIL lost her eldest son when he was 4. She talks about him but at this point she's had a lot of time to grieve and is as OK as any parent can be about the loss of a child. I try to take my cues from the person what I say or do.

I have no idea what I would want to hear. However, my cousin lost her baby boy at 8 months old, and I know she's mentioned that she likes it when people bring him up and remember him, rather than avoid the subject and act like he was never here. Always tough to talk about tho!

Ditto Dawn's sentiments, exactly.

All you can really do is say "I'm sorry." But don't pretend the situation doesn't exist. Ignoring the elephant in the room just makes it bigger.

I always feel the right thing to do us acknowledge it and say "I'm sorry."
Then follow their lead.
Many people will talk, wanting you to "know" their loved O..
Others are more private, but I can't imagine anyone finding an expression of sympathy "wrong" in any way, could you?

"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that." Depending on the conversation and the person, you can ask, "Has it been long?" That seems more appropriate if the revelation creates a substantial pause. Take your cues from the other person. If the pace of the conversation is pretty fast, and the person just chimes in with something like, "Yeah, me, too," regarding a loss that you mention, then you can say, "Yeah, so you understand," and keep it moving.

I was at a Scentsy party and talking with the very pregnant sales rep. She said she also had a 2 year old boy at home and I told her to brace herself, things were about to get hectic. She told me she knew. She had a 2 year old when her middle son was born, and her oldest son passed. I do not know from what, but I know she smiled when she spoke about him.

She was remembering the good times and not dwelling on the heartache of his loss. She told me it didn't matter howl ong his star shone, but how bright it was shining during his time here on earth.

What would I want to hear? Nothing. I don't want to ever be in the shoes of someone who has had to bury a child or spouse. I can't imagine the pain.

I haven't lost a spouse or child (thankfully) but I have lost a sibling and my best friend. If it comes up with someone who doesn't know, I have learned that they often won't know what to say so I have a response ready. With my best friend, I would just say something like "yes she died in a car accident the weekend we graduated college. She was extremely bright and was going to law school the following fall. I'm still friends with her mom and younger siblings and they've managed to move on over the years. I learned when young how precious and fleeting life is." (Obviously not delivered like a monologue, I share more depending on how the person responds and then try to steer the conversation wherever it was going before that detail). With my brother, the story is usually that he was an addict and his death was sad but a long time coming. Then maybe something about how he was a great guitar player, or so handsome - something upbeat before flowing back into conversation. Sadly, that conversation is normally part of an "I have an addict relative too" conversation.

Anyway...I think that most people who are past the acute grieving point of loss have mastered their "cocktail party speech" for this situation and you just need to read him or her. "I'm so sorry to hear that" is always appropriate as a first response and they will either say thank you and open up or thank you and change the subject.

What would I want to hear? I don't know...and I hope to never know the answer to that.

What would I say? Maybe "I'm sorry to hear that".