Looking for Ideas on Which Way to Approach Problem with Daughter

It's been a while since I was in school, but my mom did something for me that I now think was genius. She sat me down with a calendar for the week that was laid out in 15 minute increments. The non-negotiables were already filled in (8 hours of sleep, dinner with the family, church, school, etc.) and she had me fill in the rest.

When I took her my schedule as my teenage mind saw it, she reminded me to include time for getting dressed, showered, travel time, meals, and other stuff that I just didn't think through at that age. When it was laid out on a calendar like that, I realized that I really couldn't do all the activities I was participating in and still get good grades. When she presented the calendar to me, the deal was that I had to find enough time to do the activities most important to me and still get good grades or else I had to drop everything. That empowered me to decide what I could and couldn't do but still gave my mom some say over it as well.

This may not work with everyone, but it was an eye opening experience for me as a kid.

Good luck!

First, before you can do anything, you need to figure out what is truly going on in this situation. One initial step I would take would be to talk to her teachers about her homework load. The conversation should not be about talking them out of giving homework or complaining that it's too much, but clarifying how and when they assign it. You may find that your daughter was not just "handed" those papers on the way out the door. Rarely do teachers make assignments that way, and to have two different teachers do that on the same day seems unlikely. You may find that her academic load is indeed very heavy or, on the other hand, it is possible that she is being given the work earlier and is simply procrastinating, forgetting or misplacing it. We have found with our 13 year old (also exceptionally bright) that he will choose activities he likes to do (leisure reading, extracurriculars, etc.) over his schoolwork if we are not very clear on what it is that he has for homework. Keeping a daily agenda where she writes down what happened in each class along with assignments will be helpful in diagnosing the source of the problem as well.

If the ultimate solution is that she needs to give up one or more activities, this is NOT a message that she is a failure. This is a teaching moment about the importance of academics, time management, and priority setting. You have the opportunity to let her know how very important her education is. The fact that we only have 24 hours in one day doesn't make anyone a failure, it's just life. Children at that age are not equipped to make judgments about how much is or is not too much for them to handle. If they are doing things they enjoy, they will not admit that maybe they are overwhelmed. If the problem escalates and grades begin to suffer, the "no pass no play" law will take the decision of whether to cut back on activities out of your hands.

This sounds like a time management issue coupled with a discipline issue. My first thought is that she may have too much on her plate and extra curricular activities are great but she will not be able to participate in them if she fails a class. I would suggest that you talk to her about what you see her doing (going to bed late, failing to wake up timely, waiting until the last minute to do work, etc). Work with her to establish a schedule that addresses EVERYTHING she is responsible for (what time she studys, when she attends activities, etc) Then give her an amount of time to show you that she can manage and stick to the schedule. If you do not see improvement in the next six weeks or she fails to adhere to the schedule, you get to decide which activity gets dropped. As you know, you are the parent, so you are the one that truly needs to decide if the other activities are worth all the drama, but if you want to work with her I think this is a good way to hold her accountable. Good luck.

Hi R.:

Sounds like overload. My 13 yo daughter is an Honor Roll student, takes advanced math, is in athletics and has an abundance of homework, which is common in her school. She is very social and involved in church so free time is limited. She has great study habits, keeps her room clean and sometimes has a problem getting up in the mornings. She wants to join club volleyball but I insist on 1 athletic at a time because the routine is sooo rushed and time consuming. On nights where she is up till midnight, I try to make sure that she gets to bed early on another night and hopefully Saturday she gets to sleep in.

It is not easy and not always fair, but I learned a few years ago that she requires some down time without any organized commitments. It still gets hectic but there is a little leeway to put on the breaks.

As far as getting up, I still wake her but most times, she is good nature about it. They are in the age group where they want to do it all, but their bodies can't keep up.

Good luck and have a wonderful day!

You might try having her choose just one extra curricular activity, the one that she enjoys the most.

I am in the same shoes at you. My daughter is 12 also and she is in Texas Girls Choir (practice 3 days a week), and she is also in Drama in the play Alice in Wonderland (practices varies). She is also taking AP Texas History and her other classes. Here is what I do. We make use of all our time, riding in the car, I make her work on her homework. I insist that she try and get some of it done at school, it is possible. Time managament at this age is very important, they just don't always get it. My daughter nevers hears the alarm clock, so I am the one waking her up. Just try to be supportive and help her out when you can. I know that she needs to learn responsability but everyone needs help every now and then. They have only been in school for a month and it is hard for them to adjust, just be patient. Her education is important and school always comes first and make sure that she knows that. If she starts to fail, then you will need to make arrangements to pull her out of some of her extracurricular activites.

I would not recommend removing her from the sports or cheer. Those things are important to a child her age and gives her the drive to keep up good grades. My daughter hurt her arm and could not participate over the last few weeks and I noticed that her grades are not that great since. She is 13. I think it is their age. My daughter never has homework and sleeps any chance she gets. It might be that they are needing that for their bodies to recup from activity. Does your daughter eat a balanced diet. That can make a big difference, take a multi-vitamin, especially her B vitamins? My daughter is just plain stubborn when it comes to vitamins, healthy foods, so if you can get yours to stay on track then that is great and will help her. Ask about her thoughts and feelings on the situation.

I have a 12 yr old in 7th grade. She does not come home with that much homework and she maintains honor roll. We are in PISD. She is in 2 AP classes (Science and English) and advanced orchestra. The hardest homework right now is the preparation for the required Science Fair project which is due in Jan but the teachers have required work on it that started last week. Most of her homework is done in the classroom except for a weekly math sheet. Her teachers told us that the homework load at home should be minimal IF she is doing what is expected in class. She does have extra curricular activities which involve private violin lessons and she is Very social. She is athletic but not involved on any teams with the school.

This is the first year she has been successful on getting herself up and ready in the mornings without me constantly prodding to wake her. I think it is due to her newfound interest on her appearance and hair which has to be just right everyday, LOL. So far, she is not overly interested in the boys. She seems to be more concerned with her fashion statement.

The main issue I have with my 12 yr old is the tone of her voice and sometimes lack of respect for me which ends up with her losing her cell phone or her laptop computer.

If anyone has advice on that, I am listening!!!!!!

Susan

Simple... take her off some off the activities....you will save money, your daughter will have time to do her homework and she can get some sleep.

Hi, R.!!

I have to say I totally agree with the other ladies' responses. It sounds to me like your daughter just has too much on her plate for her to deal with effectively at any age, much less being 12. My suggestion is that she cut back on her activities, and just stick with the one (possibly 2, but not any more than that) that means the most to her. She might want to switch activities next year, which would be good, too. That should help with her "sleeping problem" but if it doesn't, my husband and I have a really good sleep specialist in Dallas. He diagnosed my narcolepsy this year, and my husband's sleep apnea with the appropriate tests. (and he's great with kids!) One of the other moms is right....your daughter's body just can't keep up with the demands right now, and it's SCREAMING for some R*E*S*T!!!!! Don't worry about the $$ you've put into those activities....your daughter's health is more important. You might also want to consider talking with her teachers...there are a few (or more?) who seem to think that "their" class is the ONLY/most important class your child is in, and they don't communicate with each other about how much homework they are giving the kids. And lastly, is your daughter getting enough nutrition? Her pediatrician might want to run some tests just to make sure there aren't any nutritional deficiencies or drops in her hormone levels. (The pre-teen body can do some strange things sometimes!)
Email me and let me know how she's doing... ____@____.com

I like the idea of having her schedule her time (one of the other mom's suggested) or sitting her down to teach her time management. Also, something to think about- it has been researched that teens actually need more sleep (9-10 hours) and our schools just are set up for that. They also switch their natural bio-rythms to stay up later and sleep in. She may be going through this switch. I would do some time management with her, and schedule 8-9 hours of sleep a night no matter what is going on.
As an "academic" grades are important, but they don't get you scholarships to college or acceptances to colleges by themself- you need some type of extracurricular.

Hi R.,

It does sound like your daughter has more than she can handle. I agree with others that this does NOT make her a failure. Do check with her teachers about when assignments are being given. I have found with my own daughter that sometimes an assignment has been given much earlier than she "remembers". This can be a sign of overload also. Do her teachers have web sites that show current assignments? The school my daugher attends does do that, so I can check periodically to see what is coming up. This ensures that no one gets a surprise. Keep supporting her, but maybe she will need to drop an activity. If so, you will have to be the one to make that decision, but let her know that this is not a punishment, simply that you care for her and her well-being.

Good Luck,
A.

Natural consequences are how we learn to become responsible adults... responsible for ourselves, responsible for our own children. She has got to "fail" to learn from her mistakes & choices. You on the otherhand are the parent. If you feel like she has too much on her plate, then YOU need to pull her out of one or two or all things until she can become responsible enough to get the things done she needs to get done in order to be fully sucessful at what she has chosen to do...not marginally sucessful b/c YOU are there stressing out on her behalf making sure she's here, there & everywhere...I'd be a nervous wreck...& I was to a degree last year between my kids & my business. My oldest (8) & I sat down this year & I told her, "You can choose 3 regular things to do, & piano is one of them; Girl Scouts is not." (keeping in mind, my 8 year old's activities are an hour here & there- nothing too consuming) I let her know MY limits & explained 'why.' I cannot be all they need a GS mom to be & I'm not going to do it. Maybe next year. Sorry!"

You need to set her limits. She needs to understand why we all have limits. And her classes & activities are HER responsibilities, not yours. You are there to be supportive & act as the driver as needed, not to be an "enabler." And DANG! $400 for cheer? I hope she works at home & earns an "allowance" which she can save & pay for that kind of expense!

Step up mom. Better to draw the line now, than when she's 16!

;) D.