Looking for Advice. the Next Door Girl Is Mean 😞

You are taking orders from a child...?

The only child you "owe allegiance to" is you own. Tell J and M to go away / get lost / other less-nice phrases.

Eh, I've known quite a few 6 year olds who went through mean phases who turned out to be perfectly lovely adults.

You could live next to this same neighbor for the next 20 years and your collective daughters' relationship will change and then change again.

No reason you can't be friendly with them.

It's not a marriage, after all.

Encourage your daughter to find other friends. Neighbors are often only friends of convenience anyway.

Also, branch out yourself.

:)

why on earth are you allowing yourself to be put in the middle of this?
'J' is just a little girl too. she's not your boss.
it's not on you to stop your child from playing outside if she wants to, or from interacting with kids who have 'a little mean streak' (which is all kids, and J actually sounds pretty courteous and considerate for a very small girl.)
the problem isn't the kids, it's your fear that she's going to get rejected.
she is.
your job is to get her strong enough for it, not to prophylactically dodge it on her behalf forever.
in your SWH it sounds like you WAY over-explained. but hey, we all handle things differently, i guess.
had it been me, i would have told J way back 'abby can come outside and play if she wants to, hon. if you two can't include her in your play, that's kind of sad. please be nice when you tell her so.'
and if my daughter came in upset, i'd listen to her, role play a little if necessary, and console her briefly. help her develop a few tools to use to cope with painful situations.
in our old neighborhood we had an ever-changing wolfpack that had great kids, horrible kid, wimpy kids, huck finn kids, and crazy kids. it was exactly what my boys needed to give them the skills to deal with people of all stripes throughout their lives.
khairete
S.

It sounds as though you're trying to re-create something from your childhood. Did you see J and M playing together but only offer those snap pop things to J? Did you agree to a 5 year old's telling you what to tell your own child (that J and M were playing together outside in public)? Do you text and email your next door neighbor instead of chatting in person? Are you insulating your daughter from any possible social reality?

You're not in a bad high school dream, you're in a 1970s Brady Bunch artificial reality.

I think you are making it awkward already. You're agreeing to manipulate the scenario in order to protect your child from reality. You're trying to create a friendship with J so that it matches up with your childhood memories. You're not seeing the truth you live in.

I encourage you to let the chips fall where they may. Your daughter might become friendly with J or M, or W or X or A or anyone else. Learning that not everyone is your best friend because they go to your same church or school or live on your street is part of life. Pretending that V isn't playing with C so that your daughter doesn't get her feelings hurt only damages your daughter and makes you create this lie or cover-up that will only get worse. Trust your daughter. Realize she'll have friends. She'll lose friends. She'll fall in love. She'll get broken up with, or break some guy's heart. She'll learn to play, and learn that playing mean isn't the way to have a friend. She'll learn lots of things, but it can't be because her mom is trying to manipulate things behind the scenes.

In the meantime, focus on helping your daughter be a good friend. Teach her what character traits are worth cultivating (being honest, reliable, trustworthy, polite, respectful). Teach her and demonstrate good behavior, honesty, kindness. Don't be afraid to tell her that there will always be some pain in life, but with strength and a firm foundation, the pain can be borne. Teach her to find joy in sharing, in being friendly.

Sounds like you need to just let it go. Let your daughter 'catch' them. I mean, kids aren't being done any favors by pretending, you know?

While it's hard to watch, it's much better to let your daughter start to deal with some of these feelings now at a younger age than to think that everyone is her friend. If you try to shelter her from every heartbreak, you are going to be very frustrated and disappointed. Maybe ask your daughter who she likes from her class and make some fun happen with a friend who wants to play with her.

I'm a bit confused here. Your daughter is, 5 now? And she and another 5 year old are playing regularly (or rather not playing regularly) with a 9 year old who texts you?

Maybe I'm just whacked, but I see this whole thing as strange. You text with a NINE YEAR OLD and NOT her parents? You give her fireworks (I know, they are lame ones, but still).

I just find it all a bit odd. I think it's odd that this 9 year old has any interest in the 5 year old next door, not that she has no interest in your daughter. And I don't see her lack of interest as being mean, but her interest in the neighbor as being odd.

Proximity doesn't equal compatibility. That's very particular in very young kids. I think you have very high expectations!

At least J knows a little something about manners, asking you not to tell your daughter that she was playing with M! And unless I misunderstand, did you call out to her when J had a friend M there, to say you had something for J? Does that mean that you deliberately excluded M? It might even have sounded like you were trying to lure J over to your house for the snap pop firecrackers.

You have to rise above this. Why is it that YOU are hurt when J actually has another friend besides your daughter? Why should J play with your daughter all the time and not others?

Work on helping your daughter to be tougher, to not see every single friend with another friend as a personal slight, and work to expand her social circle. If your daughter wants to play with J, but J either doesn't reply (via her mother) or if J has another friend over, your daughter needs to learn to move on and have something else to do. No way kids should have BFFs all the time, and certainly not at 6.

Maybe the kid is a pain, maybe the mother is flaky, but maybe they are sensing too much of a need for commitment or preference from you. I agree it's insane to ask someone to bring a dog if fireworks are being lit, but that may just mean they are clueless, not mean.

You have to stop having so much invested in people who just happen to live next door - there is nothing about compatibility that is connected to a zip code. Your daughter also needs to learn to play alone, or to invite other children. She has a whole class full of kids, and if she has even one activity (library story hour, town recreation soccer, ANYTHING), then she needs to look at other opportunities.

I think it's very alarming that you are so hurt and upset by this, and so sucked into 6 year old drama! You are going to have a very tough time when your daughter is in 4, 8th and 11th grade. Both you and your daughter need to find a backbone and some self-confidence.

You are too involved. Next time she tries to flag you down, say "I'm sorry but I won't tell her not to come outside. It's Abbs choice to play inside or outside"

If she sees them, she can decide to go over or not. Then they can decide to include her or not. If not, you help your daughter understand that some games are better for 2 people than for 3.

Groups of 3 kids rarely go smoothly. Just keep that in mind and don't take it personally and try to keep your daughter from taking it personally.

A next door neighbor of similar age is certainly convenient - but it's clear this friendship isn't working out.
No, it's NOT ok to keep being friendly with this kid when she's willing to take all sort of favors from you and is not willing to be friendly to your child - you and your child are a package deal.
Tone that down and just be distantly cordial with her.
Get your daughter involved in some activities - a dance class, or gymnastics or taekwondo, or an art class, or Girl Scouts or swimming lessons, etc - where she has opportunities to meet other people outside of school and make new friends.
It's good to have a wide circle of friends.
And it would be great for the girl next door to see that YOUR girl is too busy to give her a second thought.

I like your decision about how to manage this situation. I think it's important to think about these girls ages and know the other girl isn't mean. She's young and doesn't know any other way to handle this. Surely you can understand this. You're an adult and also didn't know what to do. We're you mean when you kept your daughter inside? No. You wern't mean. Neither was she. She was doing the best she knew how. I suggest that giving a child the label mean, does not help your daughter to learn how to deal with the very common issues of childhood. I suggest that you come across as blaming the other child. When we blame someone else we make ourselves the victim. THIS is a learning ex perience for all of you. Everyone did the best they could with what they know. I suggest that you thank the other girl for being honest with you. MOST kids would not know what to say. Therefore the would say nothing or make up a story.

I'm concerned why you would agree to keep your child inside and honor a child's request like that. I would in no uncertain terms explain that if they want to play in private it is on them to find a private place to play, but their excluding your daughter and asking you to be complicit in their exclusion is rude and unacceptable. Yes, you were an accomplice in excluding your own daughter. Why would you do that? Why would you avoid your own yard because another child is mean? I know it's hard to do, but you need to stand up to these twerps - if you won't address this, how can you expect your child to manage these situations? I mean, you don't have to be a bully or unkind to them, but if their own parents aren't going to intervene, why wouldn't you? Explain that they don't have to be your child's friend, but that by deliberately excluding her and asking you to lie to her by omission, they are being very unfair and rude. I'm just astonished you would agree to that.

I guess mine won't be one of the couple of answers you appreciated. (The rest of you are dismissed).

You never know what is going on in someone's head or their life.

I'd invite the Mom over for coffee. Don't grill her, but let her talk. People's behavior doesn't shift without a reason, and I've found that 9 out of 10 times it isn't me!

These lessons are hard to see your kids learn, but shifting social dynamics are just part of life..and something I've tried to do personally and with our son, is to make sure that there is always a wide circle of acquaintances and friends to do things with.

I'm sorry to say this straight out to you, but you are the cause of this. You said yes the first time and legitimized this behavior. You act like they should understand this as if they are adults. They aren't. They're kids. You've been a very poor example to them, and you've continued doing it.

Plus, you're letting kids tell you what to do, especially on your own property. I'm kind of astounded...

Tell them both the next time that they do this that you are tired of them leaving your daughter out and doing it in your yard, and they have to leave. I wouldn't allow the 9 year old to come play with your animals anymore. She is the instigator here and needs to learn her place.

Also wanted to mention sounds like M is older and that likely is an allure. Same time, I've seen my girls change their friendships. It happens. A friend I thought would be a BFF for life isn't as appealing anymore for a number of reasons. For instance, my daughter says a long time friend just talks too much. I've seen it too and I get tired of it. My daughter has slowly been distancing herself. Perhaps the other mother is confused. And of course like many of us, she likely thinks her daughter is wonderful and she is a nice girl. I'm sure she has other friends who don't mind the talking. Sometimes it's also a difference in appetite for adventure or being "naughty". One girl in the neighborhood loves to push boundaries, do crazy things etc. One of my kids finds it fun. The other finds it immature. And that one is the younger one. So it can be compatibility. There's a girl who is the cutest thing who made an effort to be friends with one of mine. Mine finds her too nice! Yet she'll find another girl too bossy. So people sometimes don't click. Just be friendly and casual and busy with the neighbors. I always tell my kids not to focus too much on any one friend bc things can change and usually do. This likely won't be the last frIendship that changes. Glad you spoke to your daughter.

Seems like a case of the group of 3 conundrum. I would not keep her inside because J wants M all to herself. Your daughter has every right to go outside and play whenever she would normally be allowed to do so. As far as J asking you to not tell your DD she is playing with M. I'd ask her "why not?" If the excuse is that she doesn't want your DD to be angry, I'd say well if are concerned about her feelings, why don't you come over and ask her to join you? I would gently tell J you, will decide for yourself what to tell your daughter or not, but you aren't going to lie or keep secrets, because it's not necessary and not kind. I'd not talk to her mom, and not burn bridges. Sometimes little girls who act mean blossom into really great older kids and adults. You never know.

I find when parents get involved in this kind of thing, it never works out well. Let things progress as they naturally (without you involved) will and see what happens.

The only involvement I would have as a parent is to be there if my kid came to me, to talk about it. And even then, I don't say things like "oh they're being unkind". I have said "I guess they just want to play together." You don't have to bring all these emotions to it. Kids can deal with this stuff matter of factly. It's a lot better if they do. And I find kids naturally are more matter of fact about this stuff, than we moms are.

But saying the mom is flaky and the kid is mean - I mean, if that's the case, why do you want your kid to be friends with them anyhow? You really haven't said anything nice about them in your post or SWH. You've made them out to sound kind of mean and sending mixed messages. If that's how you feel - move on. You don't have to be good friends. You can be friendly.

You should tell J "You're not the boss of me!" and let your child play outside if she wants to go outside.

My daughter (and many kids) often do not click with certain people.

I would just tell your girl that sometimes you can tell what sort of person you are by those who don't like to be around you. If they're mean girls they don't like her because she's NOT a mean girl. That means something.

I would let my girl go play in the yard and play with the animals any time she wants. I would also tell the other girl sorry, you can't come play with (My daughter's name goes here)'s animals, they're hers and you don't even want to play with her.

When she starts acting all friendly again then expecting you to let her deal with the animals, umm, not. You can't expect her to like you anymore.