Lonely Hour!!!

Hey J.!

Trust me, I know the feeling all too well. That is me every night, every weekend. I have 3 kids. The first 2 have a dad that hasn't seen them in almost 6 years and the reason for his last phone call in 5 years was to ask me to drop child support. The youngest's father is out doing whoever and whatever on a daily basis.

I determined that I needed some "me" time, for the sake of retaining my sanity. I basically had to force the youngest's father to keep the kids at least ONE weekend a month and he could only do kid related activities. None of his knucklehead friends, none of his floozies, etc. I needed "me" time to rest, collect myself and to be able to work my business without a bunch of whining and complaining from my kids, especially if I went to a house with no kids.

Men don't realize that it is inherently easier for them to pick up and go than for a woman. My best friend says all the time, just find a babysitter. So then I call him a few choice words and tell him, YOU find me a babysitter.

Or we need to just have a single moms unite group! ;)

D.

feel free to whine away! I get to sit at home with my girls every night while my ex-husband is doing who knows what. It sucks sometimes, but I'm one of those people that try to find a positive in everything. He might be out and about having a great time, but I was the one that heard my baby's first word and I'm watching her try to crawl. I think we need to get a few single mommies together for a play date. Big hugs to you!

I know how you feel a little. Here's what I think whenever I'm feeling a little cramped in the house, unable to go out with friends or even clean the house 'cause I'm watching the little one. My baby's only 6.5 months old, so he needs constant attention. It gets tiring. But I think of how this stage is so temporary, how quickly he's growing, and how much fun we're going to have in the next few years. I think the same way about my situation (also going back to school and working). My situation is just temporary. I'll be done with school eventually and life will continue to grow, and so will my son. There are better times ahead, I know it! everything that's going on now is so worth the wonderfulness that awaits! Keep strong!

Hi J.,

I read your post and couldnt help thinking you were talking about my life at one time. well about a month ago. I just had a baby girl in feb, and I also have a two year old, I have been a single mom with both. I remeber feeling the same way, about there dads being able to party and come a go as they like. It does seem unfair. But I try to remember that one day my little girls are going to thank me Not them for being there for them. I get to watch them grow, and see there first steps and Hear them say Mommy, They wont get to see that, and I feel sorry for them, that they wont know the love of there little girl. And I have met somebody now, who loves my little girls, so much they will call him daddy, and he gets to exsprience all the things there daddies will not.. It can only get better

S.

I know exactly what you are going through J.. My sons father walked out on us when he was 3 yrs old. Its been about 8 months and its still tough. We live in a really small town so I usually know everything he is doing...word of mouth. And yes I am very jealous at times when I am sitting in my house on Friday and Saturday nights. I think of everyone else out there but I am at home and can't go anywhere. When he is with his father every other weekend I use those weekends to do something special for myself (go out to dinner with a friend) and do things I can't do when my son is with me. But I have turned to reading books. I just start reading and pray its a good book to get lost in. Keep your chin up! WE are doing the best for our children and one day the kids will realize it.

I know how you feel. My husband (separated though) has been working nights for 6 years. He just started a company which I am very proud of his success. But, this last month has been the worst... when it comes to him and I. We separated about 3 weeks and that's when he moved out. He wants us to be friends and start all over while he is having "personal" lunches and getting kisses on his cheek from girls my age (24, I have been with him since we were 13 and 14 and married for 7 years. We have a beautiful daughter that is 5. She is my light at the end of the tunnel. I do feel so very lonely and scared and confused. But, I am getting through it one moment at a time. I don't know many people justy my few co-workers (26 of the them), and our daughter goes to a gym and does gymnastics twice a week so I know a couple of moms there. It sill doesn't feel th same though. Her daddy was supposed to get our daughter Saturday afternoon about 2pm and then come back and get her Sunday morning. Saturday he said he overslept. Yesterday I have no clue. We went to the Southern Women's Show and I texted him a few time to wake him up since his phone is forwarded to other one of his co-workers so he could get some rest. I texted him @ 2pm to wake him up since he had called me at 4:30 am and said he couldn't get her in the morning. I still haven't heard anything and it is 6:45am on Monday. My advice is to watch the funniest movie you can find order a pizza and snuggle with your little one. Join The Little Gym it a wonderful class you and your daughter could do together while getting out and being around others, and also your local library might have storytime. Once you get to know some of these other moms maybe you could start a moms club or something. Please let me know if you would like to chat more. It is making me feel better and better writing and talking out my feelings. :)

J.:

Hello!

My mom and dad would let me "whine" when I was a kid and when they asked if I had had enough (because THEY certainly had!) they told me to get off my pity pot and do something about it.

Instead of feeling like you don't have anything to do - find stuff to do with your daughter. I don't know where you live, but here in Reston, VA on Friday nights from the Spring in to Fall they have an open concert in the Town Center. I know that other cities do the same thing.

Find other people - there are men in your shoes too - who want to get together to do something as well - invite people over to your house.

If you go to church - some churches offer babysitting services as a way to earn money for missions, etc. Check around.

ASK for help - just like you did here. TELL your daughter's father that HE needs to give you a break and take up some of the responsibility. Many people will just assume you are okay because you are not asking for help. It DOES NOT mean you are weak or wrong asking for help or asking for time to yourself. YOU deserve that as does your daughter.

Be PROACTIVE. Check with your community center - many places have family oriented things. I don't know how old you are, but there are movie theatres that offer "mommy and me" times - where other parents go to see a movie, knowing there will be kids about.

Please feel free to respond to me personally/privately. I will be more than happy to help!

Take care!

Cheryl

You are not alone girl!!!! I went through the same thing with my 1st son 12 years ago.

Do you have family that could watch your baby for you so you can have a night out? Does the father have anything to do with your daughter? I know that when my son was 4 he started having visitation with his dad, and as much as I hated it, it did give me a huge break. What about friends who are willing to bring the party to you?

True, your days of spontenaity are probably over, but it doesn't have to be so lonely. It just requires a little more planning.

Women always grow up and mature faster then Men!! Why? Because we give birth not them. They don't have to grow up , We do. My husband (who is not the father of my 2 chilren) and I talk about this subject often. My childrens' father lives out of state and does not pay child support. He is a loser and always has been and most likely always will be. But beleive me there are other real MEN out there that willing take on the responsibilty to take part in raising another man's child. My husband has done more for my kids in the 4 yrs we have been married than what their Father has done their whole life. My son is 12yrs old and my daughter is 8yrs old. It's not easy but our lives are definatly better. But you do need to give yourself time alone. Its hard to do but it is necessary. Find some support from family of friends. Even if you just go for a walk or a cup of coffee. Although dancing sounds more fun and exciting! You are maiking the right choices for your child but just do not forget you need to make some time for yourself too.

33yr working mother of 2
K.

Hi J.,

I think that we've exchanged emails before please feel free to call me anytime your feel this way. Its important to TALK about it, get your feelings out. I'm so glad that you are doing so. I am in your same boat pretty much although my kids are older: 7 and 4. The situation changes a lot as the kids get older. The hardest part is right now when they are so young and dependent. But, please know, the situation is not "it" for you and will continue to evolve. You may want to get a weekly Sat night sitter, a standing thing even if you don't have any plans you can get away for a few hours, maybe a treat to yourself?

Hi, J..

I am not a single mom. I am happily married to a great guy. But, there are still periods of lonliness... and even long absences. (My husband often travels for business, so I often get left to do all the tough work for weeks at times).

When I am feeling lonely like that, I often go in to my son's room and just gaze at my sleeping baby... somehow it makes me feel better. In terms of being able to just go out and do whatever... I also feel that quite a bit. That is tough... I just try to focus on how quickly kids grow up and that usually helps.

So glad that you posted. It sounds like you are a great mom and making wise decisions.

Elizabeth

J. trust me I know how you feel I have been there myself, but no longer I had to decide for myself the things that were really important to me and fill my life with those things it can't be about your childs father because if you focus on him not being there then you miss the reason why GOD blessed you to have such a beautiful gift sometimes we give to much credit to the things that are not there rather than appreciating the things that are. I wish that I could say that I have a beautiful daughter but for me that is past my daughter passed away from cancer but rather than focus on that devastating time I am just greatful to God for leaving me my grandson whom I love with all my heart and soul because when there is no man and no friends there is my reason for living my grandson and that alone makes my TEMPORARY LONLINESS worth it all. I pray that you find comfort in that. Have a Blessed day and I will be praying for you.

J.-I read your note and I felt I had to respond.
not really sure what to say...just that my heart goes
out to you. I'm a single mom with 2 children. I don't know
how long you have been single, but as I am sure everyone
else has probably mentioned, it will take time. Do you have
some good friends to lean on? I will tell you what has helped
me the most next to family and friends... and that is my church.
if you don't have one or possibly you feel uncomfortable as your curcumatance
have changed... I would like to invite you to my church...St. James
in leesburg. I feel blessed to have my faith... and my church "family".
please feel free to contact me... Hang in there... sounds like you are
doing the right thing!!!

Hi, J.!
I was a single, divorced parent of 2 for 10 years. I had a 3rd with someone I was on/off with for a year and he decided against parenting all together. So, I was right where you are. I worked full time and my friends were always out. It's hard, I know. But, you are doing what's best for you and your wonderful little girl. Her father is out doing who-knows-what, but you're at home, doing the toughest job in the world and your rewards will be HUGE!! I PROMISE!! Keep doing what you're doing...study, do your school work, stay committed... you can do it! And do what the other person suggested: start a study group, have classmates over. I'm a full time student now and most of us have children. We go to each other's houses and study. Our families have just gotten used to seeing us all together. If you hook up with the right people, it will make it easier to get through all of it. You become an extended family.
Be proud of yourself and let others be jealous of your sweet little family! :-)
Best of luck!

Hey J., my advice would be to take solace in the fact that the way that you're spending you time is genuinely fulfilling. I'm not a single parent per say but my husband is in the military so at times there have been 18 month periods where I've single mommed it, I know it's hard- but at the end of the day you get a real sense of satisfaction that what you've done is important and worthwile. Try not to think about what your ex is doing- I see married men wasting their time going out too. The bond that you'll have with your daughter will be unparalled by any experience you could have gone "going out". Try to get involved with people who will support you, are you in the Charles town area? I may have some recommendations- play groups etc. Let me know, J.

Although I am married now, I was a single mom for the first 2 years of my oldest life. It is frustrating to think that your left with the responsibilty and her father can do whatever he wants, but remember your also left to watch your beautiful child grow (and he's missing out!) However to keep yourself sane, surrond yourself by good friends and support group. Don't feel bad to take a night off now and then for yourself. To take good care of your daughter you first have to take good care of yourself (as moms that's the first thing that we tend to forget:) I found other single parents and we hung out together, traded babysitting duties and just enjoyed each others "grown up time". It helps to be around people who can relate! Best Wishes...

sometimes it is hard to do the right thing! Just know that down the road your choices will ultimately result in a better life for you and your little one.

I am at the other end of the spectrum. I am 61 and married, but raising 2 grandchildren (the baby is 16 months). I also have my pity party moments because I can't do the traveling, volunteering, going to the movies with friends, lunch, etc. that I envisioned my retirement to be. Then I look into the loving eyes of the grandchildren and it is all worth it because I know I am giving them a better life.

Hi J.,

I know exactly how you feel. Some times it almost feels like it's not fair that the father can do whatever, whenever and mother's have to plan out everything when they want to go out. It's hard to get through it but once your daughter gets older and you can actually get more active with her, it will be a little less lonely. As far as time out on your own, I suggest maybe finding a few babysitters (maybe teenagers) so when you feel like going out this evening you can have a few chances for a babysitter lined up...while it's not exactly out on a "whim" it's still a good chance you can go out tonight (for example). Mine is getting easier because I have a teenager to watch my 4 year old when I want to go out for a little while, but I still remember how it feels.

A.

It helps to make sure you have realistic expectations about life. Some people run here and there from activity to activity because they are running away from something and not to something. If you are studying for a degree, you must see the end goal and not get distracted by what appears to be so exciting. The reality is that you made a decision for the benefit of you and your daughter. Don't envy others, because you don't know the cost they're paying for the lifestyle they're living. You went fishing with your baby! That sounds fabulous. Enjoy that moment and others to come. Do not worry about what others are doing, including your ex.

Hi J.,

I remember that too....when my husband worked nights, I was not only lonely, but scared...don't know why, but maybe because I was responsible for the kids.

Working on your studies is a whole other issue. It is hard to concentrate on them, and be jealous of the fun others are having, especially when your husband is not giving up a little to be home with you. He could help. He could just be around so you could see him. It is called giving to one another.

Find a study partner at school and invite them to join you once the baby goes to bed.....over coffee and studying....make some friends with the people who are walking in your shoes right now.....

and ask your husband what he does with his time while you are busy bettering your life (both your lives)...
Good luck- don't be lonely...you won't be able to concentrate.

I'm sorry did I write this email in my sleep?

I feel the same way. All I can say is I feel like no one 'gets it'.

If you need to talk I'm here. M. single mom of 3&4 y.o. girls.

I found your post a bit interesting. I myself, am not single, but married for almost 7 years. We have 2 daughters together. However, we are a military family, so there are plenty of times where I have truly felt like a single parent. I just wanted to mention to you, that I think (from my experience anyways) that is the way it is for EVERYONE once they have children. Since I had my girls, I cannot just go out on any whim either. That just goes with the territory of having kids...for anyone. Wether you are married or not. I think your jealousy is just stemming from the father sort of getting out of all that responsibility. The only thing I can tell you, is that you should try and look at it from another angle. Yes, you have to come home, be responsible, do your school work, put your child to bed. Yes, you have to be that responsible parent...but you also GET to be that parent!! What a blessing! Even though the father can go out and party, go dancing...you are able to spend all the time that you do with your daughter! You got to take her fishing with her, you get to ready her for bed, put her to bed, give her all those hugs and kisses, watch her grow. So even though the father can go out dancing, or partying, he misses out on those things... and those are things that he will never be able to get back in his lifetime, as watching this little one grow only happens once. WHen your child grows up, you will have all the time in the world to do what you want, on any whim...
Enjoy the time you have with your daughter, and don't look at what the father can do as an advantage, look at it as him missing out.
K.

Hi J.,
I don't have much time, but I wanted to at least write and let you know that you are not alone. I have been where you are and it is hard, especially when other women talk about their later plans and yours are to go home. I did not have the benefit of the computer, so I handled mine really alone. I spent a lot of time talking to God, asking for strength and comfort and blessings. I journaled daily. They became letters to God (my Heavenly Father). It got the feelings out of my system, and sent my heart cry to ears that could do something to help me.
It gave me strength to persevere, and it deepened my "relationship" with Him.
Make a progress chart for yourself, something that depicts you physically moving toward your goal. Seeing something tangible like that helps. Treasure the moments that you have with your daughter, they are priceless. Your daughter's father should be jealous of you (you have her). If he had her, and you didn't, wouldn't you be more jealous of that? I, too, felt the same way about my daughter's father (who was doing the same thing). When I cried out to God about it ('cause it hurt so much), a verse from the Bible came to me...."fret not thyself over evil doers." It was like a Father speaking to me, telling me that what he was doing was wrong, and for me not to let it eat me up. From that moment on, it stopped.
You can also tell yourself that you are gaining self-respect and the respect of others (he is not). It's not fun now, but like my grandmother used to say "this, too, shall pass."
Keep sharing how you feel, keep praying, and keep treasuring the moments with your daughter. A relationship with her is more important than being with acquaintances. Make something special that you can do together. Even with her this young, she's learning everything. I did all of my praying out loud. My daughter learned to talk to her Heavenly Father from seeing me. She learned Psalm 34 because I read it out loud to myself everyday. She learned to sing. You can even start teaching her to read and write at this age. She learned polite manners because of the way that I interacted with her. You'll be surprised what she will have learned by the time she's two. When you cook, say out loud what you are doing, using measurements (1 cup of this, 1/2 cup of that, pour, mix, blend, etc.) Bake bread and let her watch. When she's two she'll be kneading her own little loaf right next to you. Don't worry about getting her into "play" groups. That will come. This is YOUR time together. Try to remember to value and enjoy it.
I'm glad that you reached out over the internet. It's nice to know that I am not the only one at home alone, doing homework.
Thanks for sharing your feelings.

There is a time to everything under heaven. Now is the time to enjoy your daughter, your work, and school. That is a lot! Make arrangements for babysitting once in a while so you can go out with friends. Enjoy the good things/people around you! :)

I'm going thru the same thing. A lot of us are. I work full time hours most of the time and I'm starting school. I'm more upset that I don't get as much time with my daughter as I used to. But I go to work and they talk about going out and meeting men and having fun and I feel a little lonely. But I also figure that all this hard work we do now is so that when we finish school or advance in our careers we'll get more time to do what we want to do and be with our kids or meet new people. It's hard to do but think long term. It makes it easier.

Sorry for any misspelling. J. after reading your blog I just wanted to extend a great big kudos to you for being just a responsible mother, I am tearing as I write this. Even though I have a husband that shares the load of responsibilities, there was a time I felt alone through the process of my kids growing up.band was a police officer for 17 years and was not there most of the time, thank the Lord he has just retired. For the most part I was the one raising our two beautiful children.

I just feel compeld to let you know your not doing anything the wrong way, or missing out on anything. Your daughter's well being is your reward. I don't mean to sound like I'm pushing releigon, but there is a master plane for you and your happiniess as well. I don't know what it is you like to do, but for me I did hangout in a local church and from day one I meet so many up beat people and moms that were in the same boat. My church has so many family funkshins and kids age appropreat play groups that I was busy enough that I hardly hasd the time to feel lonley.

Hi! Don't worry about what anyone else is doing. There is absolutely no way you should even be thinking about what your ex is doing. As you get older, you learn to block and refocus. You don't want to be in those shoes again. Don't worry about him, because you have no control over anyone but yourself. Your responsibility is such a lovely blessing. You will grow into it gracefully. Get cozy and relax. When I was single, I was busy every moment, but I was doing things that although were fun, added up to nothing. Without always knowing it, what I longed for was children. Now, no matter how busy, I know it's for them. Enjoy your eight month old and treasure this time with her, because this is for you, too. That degree is going to come, and you're going to get even busier when she becomes involved with sports, scouts, dancing, church and school. The crowd will change. There is a reason for the tenth commandment!

It gets easier. It was hard for me when my son was under one year also. Now he is 6 and I manage fine. Although I am not divorced or a single mom, my husband works and lives abroad and my son and I spend 1/2 to 2/3rds of the year in America and he comes to visit only 3 weeks or so a year. So I have a single mom life, but can't date, etc, and don't want to. Now it really does not bother me at all, but when my son was younger it was hard to hear about family gatherings, and to go to events with dads there. I usually made Saturdays a busy, busy day together and we had fun - a full day at a museum, etc., a zoo, the mall, outdoor festivals. And my son and I attended church with my mother on Sunday's where he loved the child care. It gave me a sense of family, although different from others. Now that my son is so busy as am I, I rarely notice those sad Saturday evenings. I joined a playgroup from my local hospital that organized a support group for post partum depression. 6 years later we still get together for Mom's Night Out at a local restaurant and share stories. We have all grown, some families bigger,some not, some back to work, some not, but still its great to have girlfriends - and a night out where you dont feel left out. And really these days so many husbands travel for work my married friends spend lots of time alone too. Hang in there, it gets better.

Hey J.!

CHEER UP! You are not alone. We're ALL lonely sometimes - even us married ones. We all have responsibilities, especially with a child. I went out the other night with my girlfriends for the first time in a YEAR, and I have only one teen left in the house! It's OK!

Take joy in the fact that you have a lovely, precious child that you can touch and love EVERY DAY. Your child's father will never know that joy, and he will regret it someday. YOU will have ALL the rewards! Instead of feeling jealous, feel sorry for him that he has such a shallow life.

You are lucky, indeed, that you have the means to receive a degree. This will only bring you more rewards in the end. All good things come with sacrifice. You are doing a great job! Keep up the good work! Try to take time for yourself when you can and focus on being happy. When you get lonely: call a friend, your mom or sister or brother - watch a good movie on TV - read a fun book - put some music on and dance with yourself or your baby - clean out the closets - look at old pictures. Hey - at least you don't have to cook for that guy who's probably out there eating at some fast food place!(HA,HA!) I wish you the best!

~ K.

Hey J.. Im not a single mom but my husband works midnights. So once the kids go to bed and hes off to work im alone. I spend time working on scrapbooks. It can become a little pricey but my 3 year old daughter loves looking at the one I made her from the day she was born up to her 1st birthday. Maybe working on something like that or some other hobby may help the time go by. Hope your night gets better!

I am a single mom also. I'm really sorry that you are feeling lonely. I often can't do things on a whim either but I think of how lucky I am to have my kids. If you ever want to do something on a whim...with kids...you can always call me and maybe I can do something too! My number is ###-###-####. Hope to hear from you. Have a wonderful Monday!

I'm married and have 2 children. But, I have to say that having my first child was a huge adjustment! Instead of doing what I wanted, when I wanted, including eating, going out, ect... Everything changed to doing what the baby needed and if there was time, or if I could, I did what I wanted. Feeding it, putting it down for a nap, getting it home in time to go to bed all of these things took the lead in my life. I started reading all sorts of books on taking care of babies (On Becoming Baby Wise, Baby Whisperer ect...), then I just emersed myself in being a mother and was much happier. I figured that if I'm a mom now, which I can never change for the rest of my life, I'd better figure out how to be a good one and be happy doing it. I did things with other new moms and we could talk and complain ect..(Arlington has a great mom network (google MONA) And, most importantly, I put my baby on a schedule so I knew when I could count on me time. This also makes it easier for babysitters to watch your child. They know what to do and expect. I also made it a point to find a good babysitter. Then when you want to go with your friends, you call the babysitter, put the baby to bed and go out and have fun. It takes extra planning and money, but all moms NEED to make a little time for themselves. You will be a happier mother and be able to handle life better. It will never be the same as being single. But, as a mother you get to experience moments of pure joy, little hugs, smiles, fun comments ect... that you never experience without a child.

Remember, when your child is a baby the days can drag on forever, but the years are very short. Parenting is a degree in and of itself. You will grow in ways you never imagined, learn things you never knew and become the light and life of this little baby for years to come.

Some woman would have loved to go home with you and have a glass of wine and just talk. I am that person. I do not like bars and clubs much, but I love sitting at home and just having girl talk.

Next time, put the invitation out there. Someone may bite.

Hey J.,

Don't y ou have any family near that might be able to take the little one for the night or some close friends?
I think if you had one night out free of the baby you would feel different. You don't say your age, but has the father ever been in the childs life? If not then I would probably not count on him to help you when you really need it.
Good luck to you.
K.

Just look at the big picture that because of the choices you make now (pursuing a degree, raising your daughter, etc.) your 'loneliness' is only a time of preparation; only temporary. You are setting everything in place to enjoy your life fully in the near future. Believe me, the age that your daughter is now doesn't last long! She will be up and out before you even realize it. Do NOT focus on her father and what he is or is not doing. That should not have an influence on what you do for yourself and your daughter. Hang in there!! This is ONLY temporary..be excited about the wonderful things and people that lie ahead in your future !!
Peace !!

Hi J.,

I know that feeling. You are not alone. Join a parenting support group so you can have someone to talk to when you get lonely.

http://attachmentparenting.meetup.com

Had you thought about going to family mediation with your husband to see if things can be worked out with the care of your baby?

Community Mediation: ###-###-####

web site: conflictcrushers.org

Keep working hard at bettering yourself. There is nothing out in the world but lonely people looking for other lonely people to use for the moment.

Love who you are in the quiet of your own mind. Love your baby in the stillness of the night. She will be gone soon enough and you will have the pleasant memories of the love you shared in the hours of your loneliness.

God bless you on your journey in life. D.

I have been where you are. For me its been easier to cope with because I truly love being a mom, and I'm so exhausted come night time that I wouldn't be good for much else. It has also helped because I am an older mom so I knew what I was and what I wasn't doing before she was born so I don't feel like I was missing out on too much. Don't get me wrong, I still have the occasional pity party where I am the guest of honor. It sounds like you have your head on right and you are making an investment in yourself and your daughter with every moment you spend with her or with your schoolwork. Take advantage of those moments for a glass of wine or sappy movie or working on your photo album. Good luck.

J.:
As others have said - you are not alone. And eventhough I'm married to the father of our son - we STILL don't get to go out and have spontaneous dancing and dates. We MIGHT get out with eachother once every 4 months or so. But we prefer the compnay of our son at home and we just don't have childcare options!! But what I can advise in regard to your baby's father is that I found it was better to be lonely on my own than be in the company of the wrong man. I waisted alot of time with the wrong men. And didn't find my husband and have my son until my 40's. I would have been MUCH better off if I had pursued my career and education in those times of lonliness like you are. Focus on your goals and dreams for you and your child. It's true that this time with them goes by quickly. If you can shift your thinking to your dreams and those of your child to short circuit the lonliness then all these other things are going to work out. The moments you think about your Ex negatively - you robb yourself and child of positive time for yourselves. Don't waste anymore time on those thoughts. A great phrase I use if I ever "GO THERE" about an Ex - I say in my head "Not Helpful" And it shuts those thoughts right down. Find your own phrase or use that one. But I guarantee that with the groundwork you are laying for yourself and your child - when the time is right - the person that wants to spend time with you and your child will come - and ALL that longing will be a distant memory. Be Strong - have faith and keep doing what you're doing. You sound like you're on your way already!!!
S.

Hi J.. I totally know what you are going through. I left my daughter's father when she was 6 months and she is now almost 4. There were certainly times where I felt slighted by not having a happy , "normal" marriage and family, left out by couple friends and feeling anger toward at my ex. But, I am soooo much happier that I am without him and that I have full custody of my daughter.

Believe me, it does get easier with time. Seek out other single moms (just like you're doing), begin a new hobby, volunteer with your child's daycare/nursery. Busy yourself....you'll find yourself making new friends and not having the time to worry about what your ex is doing that you're missing.

Your cyberspace friend,
L.

Okay, first I need to address the "single military Mom's" and lonely married women responding to your request for an ear. Ladies unless you have financially, mentally, and physically supported children on your own, you have no clue what our sweet friend here is going through. My exhusband has Schizo effective disorder, will not own his illness and refuses medication and is unable to work or provide more than a 2 hour visit in my home once every two weeks. My kids have had a very hard time coping and have I with loneliness. I have dated and not found the right man, I have spent time with friends and my children, there times when that emptiness just seems greater than you can handle. God created us to have children in a two parent and loving home. Not just so the chidlren had support but also the husband and wife. Honey I feel so bad for you and understand from the bottom of my heart what you are feeling, going through. Please email me and we can chat further. I am a working single mom taking care of three children, one that I took in that was homeless last week (15). One grown child (19),(and two 9 and 12) and Most important a loving caring Woman, not just mother and employee. ____@____.com no forwards please. ---oh how my heart feels for you!

Bless your heart, J.. You are a woman whose strength exceeds boundaries. You are probably young, although your wisdom is beyond your years. Please just give yourself credit for everything that you are. Many children who are raised by young, single mothers, know what it is like to truly be alive. Life with all of it's challenges that are overcome, and your child is there with you as a witness as to how you can do it, and do it with grace. Be beautiful in everything that you do. Be true to yourself and promise your child that you will do everything in your power to not mess them up. Know that you are a shining star, and one day you'll be dancing, but more elegantly than anyone else you know.
I honor you, J.. You are a hero. Don't be afraid to be lonely and frustrated. That's going to happen, but it happens to everyone, including people who have no responsibilities at all. Especially people people who are out and about doing who knows what. Those are the loneliest people of all, so don't be mad at him. He'll never have what you have.

Just keep breathing, sweetie. Buy yourself a treat. Know that you are loved. Things will work out for you like you've never imagined. I promise.

Sweetie, I know it's rough. Just focus on what you are accomplishing. And your daughter will see all that you've sacrificed for her. The day will come when you can put the books away and you'll be able to go out dancing. I regret that I never finished college. I know I can go back, but i can't afford it. Keep going. You are definitely doing the right thing. Good for you! I admire you.

Oh - how I admire the decision you have made!!! You are taking your responsibility seriously. You are raising a child and working to better yourself at the same time. Of course it isn't easy. Nothing that is worthwhile is. But the benefits that you will reap will make it that way. It is ok that you feel left out at this time - but this will not last forever. That is what you have to keep telling yourself. You are mapping out a life for you and your daughter. Seek out others that are possibly where you are. If you are not in a church, find one that has people your age. One that has activities that you can involve yourself and your daughter in.

You will never regret this decision you have made--It is probably the most important of your entire life!

I will be praying for you!

You are doing a wonderful job! I know how you feel I had the same situation with my son...even when his father and I were together it was like being alone becuase he was never home. I just finished my degree in May it took me 8 years but I did it and I did it while being a single mom. And you'll do it too. You should be very proud of yourself for sticking it out and working on your degree. And just remember you have your daughter which is 1000 times better than any bar or druncken night you'll miss out on!

I get through by remembering the goodness of God and all that He has brought me through.

I've never been in your shoes, but my Mom was, She raised my two brothers and myself, when our Dad 'left'. Years later, he died, alone, down in Florida. My Mom is still here, in Maryland with all three of us close by, with 5 grandchildren. Our Father never knew any of his grandkids. His loss. You are doing the right thing, trust me. You and your baby will be better for it. God Bless!!!

Your daughter won't be 8 months old forever, just remember that. There's some saying that's really popular right now..."do what you HAVE to do so you can do what you WANT to do." And if you and the father aren't together (hopefully not since he's out running the street), I wouldn't worry too much about what he's doing or not doing. I had a similar issue. Though I couldn't care less about my son's father right now because he was abusive to me, I "caught" him out, one night, in a club...when he was supposed to be at home with my son on one of his scheduled weekend visitations! I didn't say anything to him; I simply brushed it off. It'll come back to haunt him when his son grows up and doesn't know him. In the meantime, I'd enjoy your time with you daughter...since they say the cuddly baby years fly by :-( :-)

J. ~ I very much understand that feeling. Although my daughter is almost 22, your experience is so close to my heart. I went through tough times as the mom of my darling daughter... She did & to this very day fill my heart (I am re-married). It was difficult to tell people who thought I had a perfect life, that at times I felt lonely, isolated and guilty about feeling that way too. A catch 22 situation. I am not sure I fully understand your feelings about your marriage - somewhere along the way you need to open up a two-way conversation with your husband about your partnership in this relationship. At some level he needs to understand the sacred place you hold in the health of your marriage, your home, your child's/children self-image and how they will perceive themselves. You may want to consider opening up the door for a conversation with your husband about establishing somewhat of a balance for both of you. (Even if it is not 50/50, you might have to nudge him into being a better partner). Instead of focusing on what you need you might want to invite him to have quality time as a dad, to connecting with his homelife and making the most of this precious time. Re-enlighten him to the fact that he will develop sweeter bonds with his children with this daddy/time; that even though he is tired , that this time with them is precious; be clear with him that you are not looking to escape or leave everyone ~ but that you want & need social and/or creative time. Your children, your marriage, and most importantly ~ you/your health & spirit will feel nourished and refreshed. It might help you to write your thoughts down, re-visit them a few times before you them with him. Maybe even use this forum for feedback before you do. (share it with us :-)....) present this to jim as a win/win for all. Maybe you want a girl's night, an art class, perhaps dance exercise or yoga..... Something that will make you healthier & stronger. I could to on and on ~ please feel free to communicate with me or to continue to reach out. Stay strong and try to see the new possibilities that lay ahead. Take care and I send you a big hug,

L.

Ugh, unfortunately when I decided to have kids I also decided to give up going out...EVER!!! Its an inevitable trade off. Unless you have a sitter. We dont. I do however make it to a Moms night out w/ my playgroup about once or twice a month. Its nothing super exciting like dancing the night away, but it is a break from being a mom. So you just gotta face the facts that this is now your life. It doesnt mean you cant have fun, you just have to do it a little differently....with the kids.
On another note: why is your husband out doing who knows what? If he is allowed "out" why arent you? Put your foot down. And by all means you should know exactly where your husband is and whom he is with and when he is coming home. Those are the rules that mature responsible parents/adults live by. Does he think he is still a carefree single childless kid??? Time for a change......

Hello J.,
I feel your pain :-) My husband and I have been separated since last June and our daughter is 2 now. On some occasions I do feel a little lonely because like you, I am also finishing up my masters by this June. It is a sacrifice right now - not being able to "hang out" as much because of my daughter, school and work, but I know it will pay off. However, make sure you take time out for you! I go out with my girlfriend some weekends and I also joined a Hot Mama group. We usually meet every other month to go out for dinner or movies - all dressed up like hotties :-) Not sure what interests you, but reach out to other ladies in your area and checkout Web sites that offer opportunities to meet others. Goldstar Events is a Website that offers discounts to events in your local area. I also plan to join Little Gym along with my daughter. They provide motor skill classes for you and your children to attend together, and they also offer Parents Night Out on the weekends. When I finish my degree in June, I plan to hit the streets with my daughter! Hang in there!

T.

Yes, you are doing the right thing. I have been a single parent for almost 24 years -- HALF of my life. I am doing the single parent thing again because I adopted my granddaughter to keep her out of foster care. You will probably have many of these lonely nights -- I still get them, but having good friends and a support system for these type of days is a good thing. Some times churchs have activities for singles where child care is provided for little or no cost and may be an alternative.

J., I've been there. I pretty much raised my daughter alone until she was 12. I used to get so upset when I'd hear about how great her dad's life was and how carefree he would be...how unfair! I'll tell you, I was so sure I'd never meet anyone and I was destined to work full-time, go to college, stay home on the weekends, and just be a mom. And really, that's what I did for a very long time because that is literally all I had time for. When I met my husband, we were just buddies for the longest time, because I didn't have time to add someone to my life...or so I thought. He was patient and eventually, it became more and now my life is wonderful! My daughter is almost grown (17) and I feel like crying when I think about it. It makes me proud that who she is today came from a lot of lonely nights and sacrifice from me...BUT WOW, IT IS SO WORTH EVERY MINUTE! So, when you're alone and get into thoughts of lonliness and frustration, just remember, it will be worth it in the end when your baby girl is grown and thanks you and tells you that you're her hero! It's not easy sweetie, but YOU CAN DO IT! ~L.

First of all, you should be very proud of yourself for prioritizing your life and putting your daughter first. I know it's hard being a young single mom, but it's very hard when there's a no show father involved. Although I was married when I had my daughter, my husband was not home much, worked alot, and didn't spend much time on either one of us (a good man, but a little clueless on emotional needs for us). Every thing I did was for my daughter, and I too worked full-time, put myself through college, and took care of the household.

You will feel like you are stretched to the limit a lot of the times, and lonely for a adult only interaction, but you will realize that the choices you make now will benefit both of you in the long run.

One suggestion I have for you is have some of your friends over to your place (if they have small ones, make it a family night). Serve children friendly foods and drinks, and have games the children can play. Have a make-shift slumber party for them, if possible, and set up a "camp-out" in a bedroom for the kids. Once they are down for bed, the adults can hang out. If possible, have them stay over too! Another thing my best friend and I did was take turns babysitting everyother weekend so you will have the chance to go out without your baby and have some fun! I wish you all the best and remember the time you spend now with your child will help mold them into a wonderful person later! Take care!

I'm not a single mom, but my husband travels occasionally. I know it's way different, but I just want to encourage you to be strong. Sounds like you have a great deal on your plate right now, and that your priorities are right on track. That doesn't make it any easier, I'm sure, but you're working to provide for your little one, educating yourself so you can provide even better, and you're sacrificing yourself for those ideals. Know that it won't last forever, and you will soon reap the benefits of all this hard work. In the meantime, you can get a sitter now and then to go out for adult conversation, movie, whatever. Have you tried a Mom's group? You can meet other moms in your area and maybe do a "kid swap" now and then. I've done that with some friends... I need to go somewhere and they watch my kids for a couple of hours, and I return the favor when they need it. With a very busy schedule, it's difficult to find "me time," and now seems to be the biggest sacrifice time for you, but give yourself a break sometimes, too. Take care.

Hi J....
oh do I remember those days...many moons ago I was a single mother. My son was 6 months old when his father and I broke up. I raised him on my own until he was 5, then married my husband. During those years I worked 3 jobs at some times and went to night school! Then went into retail management working 60 + hours a week...wondering if it was all worth it...to work so much and then spend the rest of my time with my son...not at the beach, bars or playing sports etc like my other single friends...I was 20/21 at the time...Now though I have a wonderful, super best friend and he is 17 ! Through his 17 years I have enjoyed rock concerts with him! Long days at the beach, shopping trips! fun special dinners after swim practices! Let him play hookie so we could spend the day together! oh the memories are flooding back!
Your rewards are coming! Make a few sacrifices right now! and trust me girl your day will come!
My only advice...once a week take a DAY for yourself...if you can and have sitter/family to help! if not an entire day then start by taking an hour~! get a manicure...get your hair done...or just go sit and get a "way overpriced" coffee and people watch! YOu deserve it!
if you ever need to chat contact me through Mama Source...boy I wish that I had this when my boy was coming up! it's like an instant network of girlfriends...without the DRAMA! right at your fingertips!
Have a great day!

I'm not totally in the same boat as you but I can definately relate. I am married but my husband works for a busy car dealership and rarely gets in before midnight and has one day off a week. I am stuck at home with no car, taking care of my 2yr old and my step son. It's nothing for my husband to stop and have a beer with the guys after work, so we fight alot about "if I can't go out on a whim, you shouldn't be able to either".
I totally hear where you're coming from, you know you're doing the right thing and you wouldn't risk your daughter's well being for the world, but once it would be nice to see the inside of a club at happy hour or just meet up with friends on the weekend instead of sitting in front of a lonely T.V. I'm sorry, here I am sopposed to be supporting you! I guess I just wanted you to know, you're not alone and even when you have a partner it's not always all it's cracked up to be! The thing that gets me through is knowing that this is just another season of life, right now is our time to work hard so later we can rest and enjoy life. We will surely miss the days our children need or want us around. Good parenting never goes unrewarded, if you are teaching your daughter what is right she will never forget it.

Hi J.,
I'm glad you posted your thoughts b/c it's helpful to vent, no matter to whom.

I have to say that I am a married gal with a young son and step-daughter. Even though I have a partner, it's not easy either. Sometimes I feel like a single parent b/c so many of the responsibilities of raising a child fall on the mother-- and her alone. I commend you for sticking it out, getting your degree and pushing forward. When I was in grad school (w/the 2 kids) we had good friends from my program that would volunteer to watch the kids for an hour or 2 so we(or I) could get out. If you have someone like that, it should help. If not, I joined a playgroup and the moms and I have really bonded and we can count on eachother for support and last minute help. I know it's not easy to not be able to go out on a whim or stay out as long as you'd like. Reach out for support, it's out there. So let me offer: if you live in the Silver Spring or Wheaton area (where I am) I'd love to know so we can chat.

All the best!