My husband has been after me to get rid of the loft bed for his 12-year old. She's using it for the play space now, but we'll put a desk under there when she gets rid of her toys. There's no room for a desk in there now.
At first my husband says he wants to get rid of it because he's afraid she'll hit her head on the ceiling when she gets taller, so I offered to make the bed shorter. Then he said the rungs hurt her feet, so I put padding on them. Problem solved.
Now he finally admitted it's because he can't carry her to bed because it's up too high, and he can't snuggle with her in bed anymore because it's up there and the 2 of them would be over the weight limit.
I think those are okay reasons, but carrying a 12-year old off to bed? Snuggling in bed with his 12-year old? I'm all for them being close, of course, but I would imagine that she's on the brink of not wanting those things anymore. Isn't it silly to get rid of the loft bed for those reasons? She's growing breasts and I suspect her period is just around the corner. I suspect that she'll be into boys this year or next (she'll be in 7th grade next year). I'm not sure that snuggling in bed with her dad is even that appropriate?
Or am I just way off base? I'm ALL for them being super close, but I would think their close relationship would change a bit now?
I don't care what kind of bed she has in there, but I thought the extra floor space was nice for her, so I wanted her to have that since her room is so small.
Glad I'm not the only one who thinks its weird!
There isn't anything inappropriate going on except a daddy that won't admit his little girl is growing up! I'm sure he'd dress her in little pinafores and bows if he could!
My husband won't let me drop her off at her activities, I have to WALK her in and SIT THERE the entire time. NO other mom does this, and I have to sit in the hall because she dies of embarrassment to be the only one with a mom there.
She likes the loft now, I'm happy to get rid of it if she wants to. She's being convinced to get rid of it by her dad. I just think that as soon as we get rid of it, next year when she's in 7th grade (and shocked by how grown up everyone is) then she everything will probably change. I just wanted to see if anyone else thought that carrying a 12-year old to bed and snuggling with her was weird, my husband got so mad when I suggested it was time to stop so I just keep my mouth shut. Hopefully they can both transition well, and she doesn't end up turning into a brat in order to push her dad away?
He seems way too concerned about what *he* wants. It's her bed, what does she want? No need to change the bed unless she has a valid reason for wanting it changed.
I have an 11 year-old daughter. She still will cuddle with me and her dad, but on her terms, when she wants.
I am VERY close to my dad. Always was a daddy's girl, and I'm still extremely close. I will say, around 11-12, I was certainly past being carried to bed and snuggling in bed. When I was in the beginning stages of puberty (I didn't get my period until 15!!) I really didn't enjoy it. I felt awkward, and really past it. I never did tell him, but my sister kind of made a comment once and I think he felt strange after...so he stopped. Have you asked HER?
Her is the thing I've learned about dads. They see their little girls. It can be REALLY difficult for them to go through the puberty stages with a daughter. They don't like to accept that their daughter is not "little" anymore. They also sometimes don't even think of needing new boundaries. Perhaps, this discussion really needs to take place. Find out what she is comfortable with. I do honestly...and this is just my opinion...think it's a little bit strange for teenagers (and this might seem hypocritical, but I don't care) of the opposite sex to be all cuddly with parents on a bed. These aren't children anymore, in one sense. They are beginning to learn about their sexuality, and I think new boundaries need to be established. Their relationship shouldn't have to change, mine didn't necessarily. What did change, is how our relationship manifested physically. What I do think should change, is how we act physically. My dad didn't feel comfortable wresting and stuff when we were past puberty. Neither did we. I never had the inclination to sit on his lap after puberty, that kind of stuff. I would have felt strange about him doing that. Again, just my personal opinion.
What does the 12 year old want? Did anyone ask her?
I agree with you on this, and vote for keeping the loft bed unless *she* requests otherwise.
She's 12. She can put herself to bed. Him carrying her to bed at this age is overkill, IMO. He can find other ways to show his care and attention to his nearly teen daughter. I find those reasons to get rid of a loft a bit odd. Her father needs to allow her to grow up.
ETA: I think you (and possibly you and she) need to have a conversation with her father. Tell him that she's of an age where she doesn't need you to walk her in and sit there. That you are the only parent who does and she doesn't want you there so you sit in the hall, which is not a good use of your time. If he really can't shake this overprotectiveness, then maybe the school counselor can guide him. When my SD was 10, the 5th grade parents were invited to a coffee hour where the teachers and guidance staff gave us a few tips on how to handle our kids as they entered middle school and the years ahead. It was good information.
You may also say that there will be a time when she gets tired of being so sheltered and either he should trust her and let her grow or she may turn on him to get the independence she is capable of handling. Teach her vs fear her growth.
I agree with Bug. He is about to experience a huge change in her physically as well as emotionally.
Just this weekend we were looking through some old photos of my family.. My daughter mentioned, how mature I looked in 6th grade.. Yes, I was 12.. I was in middle school and given more responsibilities.. I was in advanced classes with 8th graders..I was in advanced Orchestra..
I was no longer a little girl, I was a young lady...
You ma want to give him a warning.. Hee, hee..big changes are happening right now I am sure..
I don't know...
I get a very 'creepy' feeling from this.
Might be my own experiences coloring my view...But I would be uncomfortable with a dad of a 12 year old still carrying them to bed...and 'snuggling'. And I would not be comfortable if it were a loft OR a regular bed.
I would try to discuss some boundaries...with both your hubby...and the twelve year old.
This gives me all kinds of red flags.
C.:
I would be a tad upset over my husband carrying his 12 year old daughter to bed. Sorry - she's a "big girl" now and does NOT need to be carried to bed. And no freaking way does a father need to cuddle with his 12 year old daughter in bed. Maybe I'm WAY over thinking this - maybe I am wwwwaaay off base...but I see HUGE RED FLAGS here!! HUGE!!! This, to me, is NOT about being "super close" this is TOTALLY INAPPROPRIATE behavior for a daughter and father. They can talk. They can sit on the couch and hold hands, but really? She shouldn't be sitting on his lap. She should NOT be snuggling in bed with him. She should NOT be carried to bed by him.
No. At the age of 12 - cuddling in bed with a parent is wrong (in my book).
No. At the age of 12 - no parent should be carrying their child to bed unless their is a PHYSICAL issue/reason.
you need to reign in your husband and tell him to back off. Now that I'm done with that vent....what does your daughter want? Did the rungs really bother her feet? If so - why didn't she tell YOU?
If you have normal height ceilings...you shouldn't have had to lower the bed.
You have just "ruined" it for putting a desk under it if you cut the legs off/down. It will be too short and she will hit her head on the bottom of the loft.
If you can afford it - take her shopping to find out WHAT SHE WANTS.
It sounds like he feels guilty on missing out on time with her and can't see that she's not his little girl anymore. No, shouldn't be carrying a 12 yo anywhere. If she's a cuddly kid, they can snuggle up on the couch, but her bed is off limits. Leave the loft bed in place for her space - no need to make a huge deal about it to her, just alleviate the issue.
Keep the loft bed. Twelve year old girls do not snuggle in bed with dad. The loft is more practical in a small room.
I think, as a parent, I am going to get as much cuddling with my kids as I can before they think I am a horrible person who NEVER lets them do anything! lol. Maybe he feels the same way. That he knows his daughter is about ready to change into a hormonal mess and he wants her to know that he loves her. I don't think it's creepy. I think it's great. My oldest boy is 10 and we still cuddle and talk about the day. My youngest brother would go into my mom's room as an 15-18 year old and have my mom scratch his back while they talked about his day. I don't see the problem
When I was 10, I was going through a difficult period of life. For several months, my Dad took over bedtime duties. We didn't really talk at bedtime. He'd just come in, lie on my bed, listen to my prayers, and -- inevitably -- drop off to sleep. I'd climb into bed next to him and listen to him breathe, which is to say, snore :). After about 15 or 20 minutes, he'd awake, get up, and go about his evening. I'd fall asleep feeling very comforted. To this day, I'll never forget how powerful was the feeling of his presence.
Just a different perspective...and yes, I realize that 10 is alot different than 12. But I like the parents in this post who suggested that the daughter be asked what makes her feel comfortable and happy.
Best wishes, C. M!
