Living with a Loss

My heart goes out to you.
Your loss will always be with you, and hopefully the pain will lesson over time. I have experiences some losses myself in my life, 6 miscarriages all at 12 weeks , the last one with triplets. and the loss of my mother when i was 23. (she was 44)
I can't imagine your pain of loosing them so late in the pregnancy. you have every right to need to talk to someone and you should find someone to talk to. I know i have seen in publications from hospitals, grief groups etc. i believe it might have been methodist hospital.
I also have a good couselor i saw for many years and see every once in a while, if you need the name and number. people you could ask for help in finding a grief group or counselor are: your pediatrician, your obgyn, your general dr, as well as this group. or other mom groups.
i can ask the couple groups i'm in if anyone has knows of a grief group if you'd like?
my email is ____@____.com , let me know, i can get some names/places for you :-)

after my miscarriages, it was hard for me to hear, "you can always have more", "it was probably for the best" I know people mean well, just sometimes they don't know what to say and don't say things that come off very well.

as far as dr's blaming you,,I would ask for a better explanation from them. My 2 yr old daughter was born at 28 weeks. the tests of my placenta and her blood , and mine, shoes Ecoli. i thought I HAD DONE THIS TO HER.. the infectious decease drs that came to talk to me after her birth didn't give me any explantions. so i cried for a few hours thinking i had done this to her. it took the hospital priest/father,, my dad and the head charge nurse and the nicu head nurse, to convince me it wasn't something i did to her. that we all have Ecoli in our bodies, that since my water broke at 26 weeks and there was no membrane to protect her, any bacteria from feces etc could have made it's way to her causing labor to start.
it was the bad bedside manners of some dr's that cause their patients this pain and confusion.
What exactly did the dr's tell you? how did they say it was your fault?
or do you feel blame/guilt/responsible?
it's hard not to,, but you shouldn't. {hugs}
Email me
T.

ps, one last thing,, as far as your family goes,, i dont' agree with their actions, but something that came to mind from my expereinces was,, i'm sure the loss also had an impact on them as well. they are probably hurting as well. it's not like your pain however.

Hi K.!

After I had Hannah 8 yrs ago, her Dad and I decided to get pregnant one more time, and his sister has 2 sets of twins, so lo and behold, it was twins. I was at the same stage in my pregnancy as you, when they did the vaginal ultrasound and found out that they were gone. It was very emotional, and although it was 6 yrs ago, I still think about how the twins would've been 6, and I think about them all of the time. People say that miscarriages are God's way of stopping a pregnancy that wasn't meant to be. You did nothing to cause this, so please don't feel guilty. Although you will always have pain, and feel a sense of loss, things will get easier. I know in my heart that they are with me. I even once had a psychic ask me who the twins were, that were with me. I feel comfort in knowing that I will see them someday.

Hi K.,

I'm sorry you and your husband had to go through that. This may or may not be much consolation, but I know through experience and time that things happen for a reason. In the Hindi culture (I'm not indian but have learned a lot from Hindi Religion) they believe that souls are "recycled" and perhaps it wasn't the time for these souls to be born into the world in that way. You can believe that or not, but in any case, there was a reason.

As far as why it happened - I don't know and don't need to. Your doctors should have been more supportive and helped you. I have a feeling that if they had handled it properly, you would have had more closure by now. It's hard losing a pregnancy, and you probably will never get over it, but you can come to accept it and move on for your little girl and husband - and you. Your family probably doesn't know what to say to you. I never told my family about the pregnancy I lost for the same reason. There are some things / choices / experiences that we have that the only thing you can do about it is learn from it and move on. I hope you can do that too.

Take care.

M.

K., I am so sorry for your loss. No baby will ever replace the spot in your heart you have for you sons. Time will slowly heal you. Speaking from experience, it can take years. And something unexpected can knock you off your feet, even when you think you are ok. I had a stillborn daughter at 7 months in 1998 and I still think of her often. There is a great support group called "brief encounters" Call the hospitals and see if there is a local chapter. I went in the Portland area and still get the newsletter. If that fails, I suggest seeking a counselor who specializes in prenatal loss or death. Sometimes our family doesn't know what to say and it is easier to ignore you than say the wrong thing. I'm sure they care. They just may not want to hurt you. Give it time. Seek help. And email me anytime.

I am so sorry for you your loss. I had a miscarriage at about 15 weeks before our son Sam. Part of it that made it so hard, is that we'd been trying for about 3 years.

But I think what helped us through was belief in God/Higher power/whatever. There was some grand plan that we don't even know about that deviated us from that path at that time. you will always wonder, always wish, always have moments of sadness; but it's how you put it into perspective with all of the rest of your life that allows you to move through.

It didn't really dawn on me how common miscarriages really were until it happened to me. There were 4 of us that all got pregnant at about the same time. And if this is coincidence, statistics say 1 of 4 will be full term. Guess what 3 of us miscarried within about a 3 month period. But as I read a little more and found ways to cope myself, I discovered how really common it is and for me to say "why me" is pretty selfish. Because why not me, I can't go through life thinking something like that can only happen to others. It's Naive to think that "hey, we want a baby and everything will go great". I don't want to let you think that i am minimizing what you going through in anyway, I probably took a year for me to really get to the point that I understood, to some degree why something like that happened.

Give yourself a special place. like a memory garden. you could plant a special plant for them in a nice place in your yard and use that as a refuge when you need to. Or an extra room you could make a reading type room with a special painting that you dedicate to them. But even babes would not want you to lose the rest of your life mourning them. Had you had the twins, would you have your daughter? Maybe yes, but maybe not. Maybe you would have had a 3rd at some point, but it would have been this angel as she wouldn't not have had the opportunity to find her way due to her would-be older brothers. Or after having twins, you and your husband may have been so wiped out that you decide to stop having kids.

I think Mercy does have support groups for this type of thing. I know that our OB gave us a pamphlet after ours that had some numbers on so you call yours and ask. good luck.

I know what it's like to have your husband not be able to spend much time with you and the family. While we were building our house- I rarely saw him, and it put a strain on our relationship. It would be terribly hard to deal with something like you did. The only thing I can say about it is this- you have a beautiful daughter, and there is a reason for everyone- wether we understand it or not. My mother lost a child 4 hours after he was born. Nobody new anything was wrong- but after he died, they found out that he was missing a chamber of his heart. It was hard for her for a long time, and is still hard on his birthday. But with time it gets better. If I were you, I would go to a counselor, or find someone you can talk to about things that won't judge. If you just need to vent, you can always talk to me. I am good at listening, and always try to offer insight on things. It's totally normal for you to think about that sort of thing. And your Doctors should not have blamed you for anything. The miracle of giving birth is just that- a miracle. So many problems can occur during pregnancy it's a wonder that ANY baby is born- let alone twins! I hope that this has helped!

hi K.

first of all i am sorry about your loss. i know and understand how hard it is to loose a child and not having the support. i have had 6 miscarriages and one ememrgency abortion, i was five months pregnant. i am 27 and now have three wonderful children, but the children i lost are still in my heart and thoughts everyday. when i miscarried my husband blamed me too. since i worked all the time and never had time to rest. but with time i've learned to deal with my loss. see i had moved 1200 miles from my family. and well i didn't know anyone. so when i miscarried i had to drive myself to the hospital because my husband worked very far. but in my griving i learned that talking and writing helps one heal faster. here is one of my poems i wrote. i know it sounds bad but i know at least i got my anger out. if you need someone to talk eamil me ____@____.com andi will give u my number. i live in Idaho
The Lonely Months that followed
As I sit here I remember all the things that went wrong
like the move from my town to yours
leaving behind my hopes of life
to find a place where i can't dream
with those lonely months that followed.

Like the job i deeply dreaded
and having to leave my baby with that lady
and those lonely months that followed.

like the day i met my friend
she betrayed, lied, and left me
with those lonely months that followed.
like the beautiful day

when i found out about my baby
i felt him move inside my belly and then it came
those lonely months that followed

where were you when i prayed
for him to never suffer
for God to take him to heaven
you didn't feel his pain
like i did
all those lonely months that followed

like rain he came and left
but i will never forget
for he lives inside my heart
as i remember those lonely months that followed.

My brother was killed in a car accident 6 years ago. After 2 months my husband at the time started to get angry with me if I was sad, or needed to talk about it.

The fact of the matter is, you were pregnant, and you lost your babies! And that hurts! And it probably always will. You loved them, they were a part of your life.
You need to switch Dr.s if that is the only thing they tell you.
And I apologise for not having a number for you to call, but I know that in the local papers, there are grief support groups.
You are not alone, and you need to heal.