Little Sister at Big Sister's Party

Mom should have kept tabs on the situation and taken on the job of entertaining the 5 year old when it was clear she had worn out her welcome.

An adult should have taken the 5 year old off to do something else at the party before the situation escalated.

Every child deserves some time with their friends ALONE, without siblings of any age. At a birthday party especially at age 8 and up. Ridiculous expectations of the mother of the 5 year old for the 11 year old not to be upset. That mother needs to grow up herself!

AFTER READING OTHER POSTS AND YOUR SO WHAT HAPPENED:

I think you might be "stiring the pot" and have begun to question your motives.

The five year old should have been in the care of an adult and not with the older girls. Who ever allowed the five year old to ruin her sister's birthday is the one who should be apologizing to the birthday girl and talking to the five year old about her behavior and how would she feel if it was her "special day".

Aded after your SWH: Well, after reading that the 11 year old tried to talk about it with her mom, and all she did was get mad, THAT'S the problem. The 11 year old doesn't stand a chance, given that her mom seems to favor the 5 year old. I feel sorry for this gal.

I hope that next year, since the mom won't help with the situation, that you will hang close and keep the "6" year old from trying to hog the limelight at her sister's birthday.

Original:
My goodness - what a story, C.!

Here's my view. I'm going to take up for the older sister. It was her party. However, I'm going to also say that it shouldn't have gone as far as it did. The sisters' mom should have been on hand, seen the writing on the wall, and called the 5 year old to "come help her" or something.

I'm sorry, but the 11 year old doesn't owe the 5 year old OR the mom an apology. The 5 year old isn't old enough to understand. The fault lies with the mom. She should be apologizing to the 11 year old.

This solution would have prevented all the girls making fun, and ruining the party for the 11 year old.

Dawn

I'm not sure how the living situation is with you. If it is possible, have the 11y/o have a slumber party at your home with out the 5 y/o. Sort of a party do over.

I do think the little one should have been at the party too (she is family and birthdays are family AND friend events) that said she also should have been removed from the big girl's table after a little while and given a more age appropriate distraction by Mom. Mom obviously didn't catch on quick enough to defuse the situation, it happens, but now both girls need to be spoken to. The older girls needs to be told how to be nice to her little sister even when little sis is annoying, how to come to Mom and ask for little sis to be distracted else where, and lil sis needs to be reminded that not everything is for her. It may not sink in, especially for the 5 year old, mine is nearly 6 and still thinks that anyone and everyone who sets foot in our home is a potential adoring minion. They still need to be told, both were "wrong" and both should apologize.

Now you have learned a great lesson. Siblings do not belong at other siblings parties unless they are the same age group and have the same friends. Even then, they should get to have their choice as t whether the other ones attend or not.

From now on you know that the little one should not be invited to SD's special activities. If the mom demands the little one be invited I would keep her so busy doing stuff that she would not be able to go try to be involved in the big kids stuff.

This is unfortunate but a great example of what can go wrong.

I feel so bad for your SD. The truth of the matter is that she was humiliated and embarrassed and not one adult around her saw what was happening to her and helped her out. She probably feels betrayed and horrible.

I would have said something to the five year old.
Kids sometimes need to be guided and reminded in social situations. I know I have had to do this with my younger daughter over the years. There have been many times when she's been obnoxious and annoying to her big sister and her friends (hey, isn't that what little sisters do lol!) I always gave my daughter a chance to correct her behavior (I know YOU think you're being hilarious but can't you see that the big girls don't like it?) If she wasn't able to control herself she had to leave the room, or come sit with me. I was the oldest so I "get" how irritating younger sibs can be, especially when you're with your friends :)

Well, we include siblings sometimes. But really, the parents should have been entertaining the 5 year old and disciplining her for her behavior. Sounds like the fault is on the adults here.

In the future - I would let little sister attend and bring a friend.

I think the mom of the 5 year old put the 11 year old Birthday Girl in a really bad position. Assuming Little Sister's mom was present at this party, she should have disciplined Little Sister right then and there, and if her behavior didn't improve she should have taken her home. Since that didn't happen, she ended up annoying and frustrating her Big Sister Birthday Girl to the point where she could no longer enjoy her own birthday party with her own friends and (being a still impulsive child herself) she acted out.

Since she acted out, Big Sister required some discipline including an apology to Little Sister. I do think it's important that Little Sister and Big Sister attend each other's special events. It's great that Big Sister's mom wants these girls to have a close bond and be part of each others lives. However, Little Sister and her mom owe Big Sister Birthday Girl an apology as well. I have a feeling that Big Sister will harbor some bitter feelings if she's the only one forced to apologize when what happened is NOT her fault.

I'm assuming the little sis is a half sister? SD lives with you, and little sis lives with HER M.?

One solution would have been to have a "family" party where little sis was invited, and then also have a Big girls' party without little sis there... since little sis lives an hour away, she doesn't have to be there for ALL of big sis' events.

I like the suggestion of a sleep-over with the big girls, to try to make up for little sis barging in on big sis....

I see nothing wrong with having the little sister at the party, but she should have been seated with others, instead of big sister..... and when things started escalating, little sis should have been removed, to give big sis her special time with her friends.....

One solution would have been to have a "family" party where little sis was invited, and then also have a Big girls' party without little sis there... since little sis lives an hour away, she doesn't have to be there for ALL of big sis' events.

And yes, if M. continues to try to "force" big sis to include little sis in everything, there will be resentment..... that is easy to predict!

I think you're right. It's not fair to the birthday girl to have to deal with that. I totally understand the "because she's family" but I honestly don't understand why adults forget how they felt as kids and why it's not that big of a deal to make other arrangements or have a separate little "family" party so the tween could have fun with her friends.

Maybe in the future, give your older SD a "present" of babysitting the younger sister on the birthday. A fun time for the little one, and a break for the big one, and STILL family. Hopefully her bio-mom will figure this out.

I don't think the 5 yo should have been at the party or if she had to be there, she should have been able to bring a friend or given some helpful tasks to do while there. If it at first the girls were getting along then thats fine. The minute the 11 yos started ignoring the 5 yo is when a parent should have stepped in and removed her to another activity or to sit with the adults. I do agree with the person who said to have just a slumber party for the 11 yo without the 5 yr being there.
When I was young, my mom allowed 1 birthday and 1 slumber party each kid. She made sure that my sisters did not bother me and friends the whole time. In fact, for the birthday party, my dad took the rest of us out of the house for the entire afternoon.
I don't understand why parents think that kids need to hang out with their siblings at their special birthday parties and actually going out to movies or to the mall or other places. Shouldn't you be allowed to enjoy time with your friends without siblings around once in awhile. I"m not trying to sound harsh. I know family is very important but I do think the kids need their own space and hangout time without the other siblings.

i require all my kids to attend each others parties. in this case i would have had the 5 yr old act as the server, she could have worn an apron or something to make her feel a little special. otherwise she should have been allowed to have a friend there

I agree with Abbie. But it would be in your best interest to stay out of it.

Well I look at it like this...I agree that the 5 y/o shouldn't have been there, or if she was there she shouldn't been allowed to hang with the big girls for quite so long, acting as if she was part of the crowd.

However...she was. I also agree that it was probably her mom's fault, but honestly, that's beside the point. The message here is that both sisters had their feelings hurt and were both probably horribly embarrassed for different reasons.

I think both sisters owe each other an apology for hurting each other. The 5 y/o was put in a position by grown ups to think she had "rights" to be part of the sister's crowd. It's not really her fault.

If someone gets their feelings hurt, I think it's always okay to apologize for that, even if that wasn't the intention. It's not weak and it's not even conceding that you've done something or anything other than hurt the other person's feelings. Shouldn't we have some compassion for each other, especially our family! Sheesh!

Hmmm. I see it differently, maybe because there are some age gaps in all of my kids.

1. My kids would never have allowed their friends to treat their younger siblings that way, and some of the age gaps are 10 years apart, some a little less.

2. Unless the party is a specific activity that the younger ones can not attend, I would not exclude younger siblings. How very hurtful and a nice way to breed resentment.

Yes, sometimes a younger friend or family member is around so that way the younger ones have someone to entertain them. Also having activities that span the age groups is a good idea. Believe it or not bounce houses at a 15 year olds part is a great idea for all age groups.

Beyond that, they are family and you will soon learn that friends come and go in a teenage girls life, but her sister will always be her sister.

I am trying to follow the story. Do both of these girls (your SD and her little sister) have the same mother? You are not related to the 5 year old (she is your SD half sister, yet they have the same mother)?

I honestly think you should not give your opinion to the SD (or be careful how you give your opinion) . In the long run you will look like someone trying to make trouble. Their mother should be able to parent her daughters and if their mother want to build a bond as she sees fit (within the law) then she has a right to her parenting style.

I can see both sides (no 5 year old at big sister's party because she is too young vs. learn how to include family and make others who are different feel welcome) even though we are hearing it from your (and the 11 year old's) perspective. For the record, I would not want a 5 year old pestering 10 and 11 year old girls. Vent here and try not to commiserate too much with the SD about her mother's poor choose (in your opinion).

ETA: I just read another post of yours. If you and the dad host the party then i would change my answer. I do not know all of the dynamics in your family, but you and the SD's dad should have a say in how the SD is treated at a party you are hosting for her. I was imagining her at her mom's house with her little sister.

I usually invite a guest for the other sibling.

Luckily my girls aren't that different in age but we make it a rule in our house that if it is one of the girls birthday's then that is their day. Both of my daughters understand that really the only day when one child gets preferential treatment over the other is on their birthday because it really is their day! The 5 year old is old enough to understand this concept as well and something should have been said prior to the party and when it was first noticed that she was trying to be the attention grabber. I only have 1 party for family and friends - it is too expensive to do two but the rule stands that the birthday girl is the center of attention. I try to make the other seem a part of the party (my older daughter will bring the younger one present, the younger one will pass out cake/ice cream) so they aren't completely forgotten and they understand that they aren't the VIP on that day. Right now they have a lot of the same friends but in a few years when they are in different grades and school classes I know this will become a huge issue. We are trying to make the rules stand now.

There is a six-year gap between out oldest kids (both 14, son and step-daughter) and our younger boys, 8 & 6. Starting at around age 10, the older kids' parties have been a small group of friends doing an activity and/or dinner and/or sleeping over. The two who are the same age have so far wanted nothing to do with the other kid's party so they've found something else to do that night. We plan something for the little boys to get them out of the house. We usually do cake & ice cream late when everyone's back home so the other siblings will be there for that but then the birthday child and friends will head back to the "party zone" downstairs without the other siblings.

Even when our older kids have joint parties at the house, the little guys stay out of the way. We don't always literally get them out of the house, but they know that they can say hi and have some party food and soda (a big treat) but otherwise they're expected to stay away from the big kids and we watch a movie with them or do something else to occupy them.

If the mom insists on not having the party be friends only, then I think the idea of having someone for the younger child to play with is a good one, or have a parent occupy that child with a special activity. It's not fair to expect the big kids to party with little kids, and there are ways to do this without the younger sister feeling left out.

Well, I can say that I have to deal with this every day. My 4 year old is always trying to be just like my 13 yr olds. She wants to be with them most of the time. I often say I have 13 yr olds and a 4 going on 13. We just had a late birthday party for my 13 in June. We called it a bbq rather than b-day. They had water balloons and water guns. My 4 yr old played fine with that. But once that died down and everyone decided to chill out in the yard, she did start to get obnoxious. I did try to divert her attn to something else. I was eventually able to get her cousin outside to play and we put his pool outside for them to play. Definitely try to get her someone she can play with or maybe a craft of her own to do next time. But, her big sis needs to understand that the younger one is looking up to her though it might not seem like it. She just does not know when she is getting close to that invisible line drawn between the ages.
After seeing your SWH, with them not being together that much, it compounds the problem. I would suggest having them do special things when they are together when you can. Maybe little sis can come for a weekend now and then. The time will fly by and little sis won't be all over bifg sis as much.

I would let the 5yr bring a friend.