Little Jealous of Mr and Mrs Perfect

I was just thinking this about my own brother and SIL this week. Then I remembered that a large part of her being able to do all these things is that she has a husband with a decent job. She does not have to worry about bringing in a second income, so her time and energy can be spent exactly how I would love to be spending my time. My brother waited to get married until after he graduated and my SIL reaps the benefits. I made different choices. Not worse ones, just different. So when I am feeling jealous of them, I try to remember the blessings which came from my own choices and remind myself that they are not better than me, just different. Then I think about the things in their life that I would not have chosen. Like their house. When I feel jealous that they own their home and I am still renting, I remind myself that I don't like the floor plan of their home very much and they have rocks instead of a garden. I wouldn't be happy with that, even if I did own the home. It just takes a lot of mental work to get out my jealousy.

Most of the time, those people are faking it until they make it and eventually they make it. You have no clue what websites she may have visited to gain these "deep insights" on the books or who's ideas she stole. You have no clue how many of her crafts ended up in the trash until she was able to actually make it work the "right way," you have NO clue what the marriage is REALLY like only what they portray. You have no real clue as to how many fights they have and how much struggle because they keep it private. Typically Mr&Mrs. Perfect is just a facade put up so people do not see just how dischevled their lives really are.

Everyone, with zero exception, has strengths and weaknesses. She is just better at looking like she's perfect. Get over it, pick something you LIKE and WANT to do, and work hard at it and do it well. Don't try to be perfect at everything.

{{{{}}}}
she probably has unbearable morning breath.
ugly toenails.
a secret passion for ayn rand.
something just HEINOUS.
:)
i don't like crafts of any sort and don't enjoy cleaning either.
but you have books in common! that's the BEST thing to have in common! don't worry about the deep insights, just groove on the books. if she says something deep and insightful, rather than try to deflect the conversation or match her Deep Insightfulness, ask her about it! get her to explain how she got to drawing that particular perspective from it. at best it will be interesting and you'll get drawn into a really cool conversation. at worst it will please her to be asked and she'll go on for a while and the pressure to converse will be off you.
hope you have a wonderful time, hon.
khairete
S.

I'm looking at your posts, a working mom, Brownie Leader, tye dying shirts, traveling camping, I'm a little jealous of YOU. As everyone else said, no one is perfect! My house is only clean when I'm expecting company, I think sometimes I should invite company over more and force myself to clean.

You don't know what goes on behind closed doors. Its really as simple as that. I know a couple moms who have blogs. They post on there all their cleaning tips, cooking tips and recipes, crafts, DIY ideas, parenting tips, etc. I mean one of them makes homemade butter...really? Who does that????!!!! I "perceive" them as the "perfect" women. However, I am NOTHING close to any of that! But I'm happy with my life, my husband and kids are happy, we are not in the poor house and we have a great life. You need to focus on YOU and YOUR family (you, hubs and kids) and either learn to appreciate what you have, or start to make small changes to make it different. Don't ever compare yourself and your life to someone else. There is NO fair comparison. Everyone is different and unique and that is how we are supposed to be. Start to focus on the positive things in your life. Good luck!

It's easier to focus on her perfection than to focus on your own life.

It's easier to be jealous and wish your kids were still young than to find ways to get in tune with your preteens.

Dump pinterest. It's only making you feel inadequate, isn't it? Don't go on there. Cancel your subscription or however it works. Seriously, that is time you could be..doing things WITH your kids. Finding out their interests. Taking them to the craft store and letting them pick out what they want to do (no judgement from you, no attempts to guide them, let them choose) and then doing it with them. Taking them places when you have time. Reconsidering whether you NEED to work or whether you just feel you "should" work. Looking into hiring a cleaning service, only short-term, to tackle your house so it's in shape and then you let them go and maintain -- with help from your kids, who ought to be helping anyway, right? And looking into how you and your husband can get away alone on a regular basis if even for one evening a month, or more if you already try that and it isn't enough. Easy to say, I know -- babysitters are hard to find, jobs are hard to give up, kids are hard to reach at certain ages.

But the issue here isn't perfect SIL. It's your own dissatisfaction with your life. You ask "How do I get over this?" You won't, until your own life is where you want to live it, rather than wanting to live HER life. Are you willing to be proactive about your marriage (first priority), getting to know your own kids where they are now rather than longing for where they used to be, and giving up illusions of perfect crafts and perfect desserts?

And remember, the most perfect person is not necessarily thrilled with herself inside. I have seen more than one outwardly perfect family implode with a sudden affair, sudden departure, sudden breakdown. I am not saying your SIL is going that route --nor should you wish it on her! But stop COMPARING yourself to her and start working on your family life instead with the time and energy you spend on her, pinterest and, yes!, Mamapedia.

Maybe consider that she could be equally jealous of you?
Maybe she wishes she could work. Maybe she does all those crafts because she has no other way to fill her time. Maybe her marriage isn't as strong as YOU think it is.

The grass isn't always greener. It's just what you perceive.

Try to enjoy what you have, and what YOUR personal strengths are.

Not everything is at it appears, and like others have said, you don't know the whole story.

I've been through the rough patch of my husband being unemployed, and the fact that he never went to college and his employment options were limited. I was the main breadwinner and there were things I liked about that, and things I did not. A friend of mine from vet school married one of our classmates and by all outward appearances, they seemed to have it all. Both veterinarians, both with excellent jobs, 2 kids, beautiful house, etc. Then her husband ended up having an affair and now they are in the midst of divorcing and selling the house. Not pretty. My hubby may have been out of work at times, but at least I am confident that he would never cheat on me.

My cousin is married to a man who is able to support their family so that she has not had to work since before their son was born - almost 14 years ago. She's been able to be a SAHM that whole time, and with her kids now in middle school, she has time to dabble in writing, photography, take tennis lessons, etc. Yes, she works really hard at keeping the house clean, meals on the table, kids taken care of, but she also has a cleaning woman come in every 2 weeks and if she feels like going out for dinner instead of cooking, that's what they end up doing. On the other hand, they rarely take vacations or other trips out of town, and the kids have never been to Disney World. We've been to both Disney World and Disneyland, as well as 2 Disney cruises (including one to Hawaii), and we have a time share out east that is our summer vacation spot every year. I am a little jealous of her that her husband is able to provide so much for her, while it turns out she is a little jealous of me that we take trips that her husband won't go for (BTW, my hubby is working now, and while he may never make the money that I make at my job, he's doing pretty well considering, and you can tell he feels better about himself).

So I think sometimes it also just comes down to what choices we make in life and what we decide to make a priority. But it's a pretty pointless exercise to continually compare yourself to others - all that will happen is you will feel like you are coming up short. Obviously if you are working, that doesn't leave as much time for crafts and hobbies. But maybe you could look into hiring a cleaning service to tackle your house for you.

If you need a laugh, check out a blog by a mom named Jen called "People I Want To Punch In The Throat" and her entry from this past Christmas about the Elf On The Shelf and the Overacheiving Mommies that go all crazy with ideas for the elf. Maybe you will see your SIL in there.

Two things -

Perfection is overrated.
and,
The grass is always greener on the other side.

Am not saying you should be convinced that she has something that is not working for her. But just that you are better off focusing your energies on doing what makes you happy, instead of trying to compare yourself with someone else. You cannot be someone else, and nobody can become who you are. :)

Lilly:

I'm REALLY SORRY you think this way about yourself.

it's great that you "believe" they have a perfect life and all is well in their camp. I bet things are not as rosy as you SEE them.

You need to be YOU. You don't need to be someone you are NOT.

Can you change? yes. do you NEED to? no.
As to being a better Christian - that is something ONLY YOU CAN DO - your relationship with God is yours and yours alone. You cannot compare your relationship with God to ANYONE else's. Your journey and path with God is YOURS ALONE.

Cleaning house? Yeah - we can probably all do better with this. If you don't feel organized enough to do it - hire a cleaning company to come in and help you clean or do it for you.

Organizing your home? Feeling overwhelmed? Hire a professional organizer. Once you get your home under control - you might feel like you have more control over your life. And by the way - I have one friend that is TOTALLY OCD when it comes to cleaning her home - it does NOT look lived in. She ENVIES ME being able to have clutter around my home.

Your marriage? It's what you make it. It's a full time job- it needs work. It's a garden - it must be tended to daily to pull the weeds, prune back the things that are overgrown, mulch the dirt to give it fresh air...EVERY marriage needs work - it just doesn't HAPPEN.

Books? NOT EVERYONE has the same intelligence level. We are NOT COOKIE CUTTERS. Thank God we are all different. Imagine how boring life would be if we were all the same?

Pre-Teen - I know it's hard. Take a deep breath. Sit back and try and remember what it was like for you when you were 10 through 13...I try to do that every day with my son. I have to take a lot of DEEP BREATHS!!!

Shopping? You can do it. You don't have to pay full retail either. ASK HER HOW SHE DOES IT!!! Ask her how she manages to save money. My girlfriend asked me how I saved so much in coupons - I told her and showed her. Now? There are times when she "out does" me in savings!!!

Dumpy house? CHANGE IT!!! A coat of paint makes a HUGE difference!! Go to garage sales, check on freecycle.com or craigslist for new furniture, items - you will be SURPRISED at what people give away or sell. It does NOT have to be "NEW". There are places that are selling distressed furniture for hundreds if not thousands - and you can get them at a garage sale for less than a hundred!!

I don't see Mamapedia as a waste of time. I have learned A LOT on here. There are some really great mama's and papa's on here. One or two suck - but oh well - there will ALWAYS be rotten apples in the bunch. I'm sure they think I suck too and I'm okay with that. I don't need everyone to like me.

You need to take a step back and peel back things. There are things you are WONDERFUL at. You just don't see them because you are too busy comparing you and her. STOP. TRYING. TO. COMPARE. You are wonderful in your own right. BE YOU!!! If you don't like you - make a list of things you want to IMPROVE upon - then take ONE STEP AT A TIME and work on it. You (as well as everyone else) is a work in progress. Don't settle for less. Don't compare yourself - be you. be the best you can be.

I have to admit that I love your post and your honesty!! I think all of us at times deal with people in our lives that we a r ea tad bit jealous of...

I know I see all the great big ugly warts inside my own family...I wish I did more with my kids (I do a lot, martial arts, swimming, trips to the zoo, etc...but sometimes I wonder about the quality time),

I HAD to hire a housekeeper because my cleaning did not stand up to my husband's standards (that ended long standing arguments between me who would clean the house and then get mad when my husband would go re-clean everything I spent all day cleaning),

I cook homemade meals every night because they make my husband happy (not because I really really enjoy cooking),

I do stay at home (but wish I was working at least part time...to have a bit more money to go around),

I read a lot (because it is my escape from reality for a while),

I do sew and paint (see previous a mini escape for a bit...),

I go to church and take a Bible study (oh, I know what a pitiful Christian I really am inside always trying to have a better relationship with Him but not always succeeding and God does too but loves me any ways),

I love to entertain and have people over (my husband hates it but does it for my sake...but we usually have a few sniping matches before and afterwards).

I have a strong marriage (but it has its issues and we really work on them...but behind closed doors).

So on the outside I could look like your SIL, a SAHM with a clean house, I sew and paint, I cook homemade meals every night, I read a lot of books, and I am a Christian, oh and I shop and never pay retail (because we can't afford retail...lol). HOWEVER the inside of my life is full of trials and tribulations and ISSUES...and ugly stuff...

My aunt always told me that a package could be beautifully wrapped on the outside but be a box of snakes on the inside. My package is pretty and not full of snakes...but defiantly a few slugs and snags. Your SIL's is too...you just don't get to see them...

Take a step back and look at your life...you are a mom who does it all, you work and juggle two preteen kids (who are pretty self sufficient, no diapers, etc), you don't have time to waste on trivial crafty things, your husband works hard to help support your family in a good lifestyle...hey I am starting to want to trade with you...you really get to keep things not prefectly clean at home (wow, that would rock!! after living with my Mr. OCD).

I am sending you a huge hug!!! Too bad we really couldn't trade shoes like that movie Freaky Friday and find out how the other half really lives. Try and go and be relaxed...and know she has her slugs, snails and maybe a few snakes hidden in her closet that will all come crawling out when you go home!!

Why not turn this around and be pro active? Have her teach you to bake a few things, give you some recipes. Have her give you some cleaning tips or Borrow some books from her so that you have more to talk about and make a mental list of things you liked in that book. If you like this woman and want to be friends then do it.
And if you want is a stronger marriage with your husband then you need to be pro active about that too. Make time for each other, and go out and be with each other.

Stop making this a competition when it isn't. You can do anything you want to. If what you want is to bake pies, host parties, then do it. It's unfortunate that you dont like to clean, well a LOT of people dont like to, but they do it anyways so pick up the house and have some people over sometime and have fun.

I think your putting too much pressure on yourself, and you are missing out on fun by being jealous. It's not healthy.

Focus on what fun you and the kids will have spending with family, and whenever you think of something negative, you need to make a conscience effort to stop.

Just be happy!

Maybe you could take some time alone with her during your vacation... just you women, you two alone. And ASK her. Tell her how much you admire how she is x,y,z and you wish you could do all that and have all those things, and you just don't. Ask her how she manages. Ask her what she struggles with. I know you think she doesn't have any struggles, but I can tell you, she does. Maybe she would like having someone she could open up to and share those private struggles with!

Just because it looks perfect doesn't mean it is. And I'd bet you she wouldn't mind at all "helping" you figure out where you might be able to make some changes, if you want the advice. You don't seem to indicate that she is snotty or in any way full of herself and accomplishments, so just talk to her and ASK her, how she does it. She will be immensely flattered, and she just might let you see that she has other normal struggles too, and you won't feel so "down" after the vacation.

My fiancee was married to that woman. "Super Christian, everyone loves her, bakes, does crafts, SAHM, strong marriage..."

That's what people THOUGHT.

My Guy spent 22 years with her. She REFUSED to work on the marriage. They went through 7 years of counseling.

I'm not saying that your SIL and BIL's marriage *is* in any kind of trouble. All I'm saying is "not all that glitters is gold." My fiancee's ex hid their brokenness very well, behind a beautiful home, talented kids, and a pious attitude. Behind closed doors...not the same.

Don't be jealous. Count your blessings. I don't know about you, but though I have little time for all those things, I do have the most AMAZING fiancee, wonderful kids, a lived-in home that I love, a wonderful church family, a great job that pays all the bills (even though fiancee is currently unemployed), food on the table, great friends....the list goes on.

Enjoy your time at you BIL/SIL's home....but don't be jealous. Love her for who she is...and love YOU for who you are.

Come on. You see what they allow you to see. I'm sure they have problems that you wouldnt want to trade your problems for. (Everybody has something)

Rather than being jealous, embrace the fact that you have a great set of in-laws rather than the "nightmare" type.
Honor her/them, once you tell her how proud you are to have a SIL like her even THAT will make you feel better.

If you were able to hang around with her more a lot of her positivity would rub off on you. We tend to act like those we hang with whether it be bad or good.

Oh sweetie, I cant help but think yours selling your self short. Don't compare your self to your SIL because your just 2 different people and that's a great thing!!!
I use to do that too. I am an Air Force wife and I would look at all the other wives and see how pretty, or slim, or how clean there house is and feel like I was a bad mom and wife. But something happened to me latley and I cant put my finger on just what it is, but I have stop caring some much what other people are doing with there lives. Just because it may work for them and there familys doesnt mean it would work for mine. and anyway thing are hardly ever as great as they seem on the outside.
She may do crafts but what you might not be seeing is her husband nagging about what a mess it makes, or her yelling at the kids to keep out of crafting stuff. She might be jelous of you because you DO work out side the home. Her house might be clean when you come over but for all you know she just spent the last 2 hours running around like a carzy woman making the "Show" house.
Take a good long look at your self, your house your family. See all the good that it there, not just the things you feel need to be fixed. Take a moment to thank God for the gifts he has given you and ask Him to be with you and help you make any changes that might TRULY need to be made.
I dont know if this helps or not, I hope it has. Be strong and rember that you too are a good person with a good heart and THAT alone makes you a gift to your family!
Blessings

noones perfect! i was with my ex from 14 to 26 everyone thought we were the perfect couple and i had the perfect life...a lot is hidden behind closed doors...people cried when we ended things because we were there mr and mrs perfect, and they said we were the only couple they tried to live up to be like...mostly because I never spoke badly of him and only said the good things

Anywho start doing more that makes you happy. work on your marriage and start having fun with your husband. use this time of having pre teens/teens to reconnect with yuor husband and enjoy your life. why not plan something fun like a trip or something and begin savig and planning and being happy? or maybe start a new hobby? i would not concentrate on what sghe has but start concentrating on what can make my life better

I agree with Christy Lee, my husband always say that you never know what it's like behind closed doors when I complain about our marriage. One thing you can do is stop comparing yourself to her. God has a plan with your life too, God uses everyone. There are people you can touch that she will never be able to reach. Also, start looking at the positive things you've done and accomplished. You work and still raise a family.

I have a sister who's a stay at home mom of 5, who homeschools her kids, waits on her husband hand and foot, she gets up at 5 AM to shine his shoes, has coffee ready by the time he comes down the stairs, packs his lunch and has dinner ready with a very cleaned house before he gets home. She always has a smile on her face, but I wonder underneath how broken is she? She preaches to everyone, does the activities with the kids, church 3-4 times a week, twice on sundays, to some I be she looks like she has a perfect life, but I would never want that life.

And like MommyR says; "the grass may look greener on the other side" and let me add what Joyce Myers says "BUT YOU STILL HAVE TO MOW IT"...

Hugs going out to you, be honest with her too, say, "I'm jealous of your life, and I bet that will spark up a whole conversation you never knew existed..."

Don't compare yourself to others, you will always be looking for YOUR perceived weaknesses.

I have one, just count her...one....I still don't have the darn scrapbooks done. But we have lived amazing lives. When my daughter got a bit older she helped me clean and then came the cleaning service!!!! Life is wonderful :)

We all have our strengths and areas where we can improve, just enjoy your family....and give those crafts a try when you have time!

Work on the hubby too, crafts and the vacuum will always be there.

It's nice to have someone to look up to, to give us inspiration.
But when the envy start getting in the way, it's time to give it up.
Be the best person YOU can be - and that may or may not have anything in common with your SIL.
I like crafts but my talents don't lean that way.
One neighbor grows more and better vegetables than I do, another is a house plant guru, another is the picnic food recipe Queen - all admirable things - but I can't come close to competing with that and I don't want to.
Me? I grow herbs like no one else on the block can and I have a butterfly garden that makes me happy no matter what else anyone else is doing.
The neighbors grow a little bit of fresh basil and mine is bush size (seriously - it's 3 feet tall and 3 feet across) and I can make some serious pesto with it.
To be happy - you have to be happy in your own skin and with your own abilities.
That means trying some things others have not tried and not comparing yourself to others all the time.
There's a lot of trial and error going through the process (the seeking can be fun) - but you can find something that you can be proud of that no one else does as well as you do.
One year I took a belly dancing class.
Another year I took a stained glass class and made my own simple lamp.
Cleaning - no one likes to do it.
But you know what?
In the last moments of my life, as I lay there dying on my deathbed, I'm not going to say "I should have cleaned more toilets".
It's just not going to happen.
Relax - Explore - Enjoy!
That's what life is about!

One of my dearest friends sounds just like your sister in law. The thing is, that she's NOT trying to make everything look perfect to cover up her misery or flaws, she has just found her "niche" in life and does the things she is very talented at. It's a good thing! :) I am sad that people are trying to diminish your SIL's talents just to make you feel better. That's so petty! Don't fall into the petty trap, Lilly!

Stop comparing yourself to her! I know it's easy to say, but the more confident you become in who you are and the things you are good at, the happier you will be with your life.

What are you good at? I am terrible at cleaning too- if someone came to my house today, I would probably pretend that I wasn't home to avoid the embarassment. :) Find the things you are good at, but don't try to compare your talents to other people's. Life isn't a competition, girl. You probably bring good into the world that you will never be aware of! Just because your gifts and talents aren't what you desire, doesn't mean that you come up short.

As far as having books in common, there is NO shame in just enjoying a book the way you interpret it.

Confidence sometimes takes practice, but keep at it. Think of all of your positive qualities, but drown out all the comparisions you make to other people. Soon you will see what a treasure you are!

You need to cut yourself a break and realize that no one is perfect. You have no idea what really goes on in their "perfect life". What you see is the picture they present to the world, not what actually goes on behind their closed doors.

Don't allow yourself to be insecure around them. You can get through this positively IF you think about things positively.

You don't have to have guests at your house and host often. Everyone does not have a desire to be hostess and that is ok.

You will feel better if you clean and purge through your house. It is amazing how much better you feel when you see a clean room.

Put a smile on your face, fix yourself up and you go in with a good attitude and that will make a huge difference for you.

Sounds like it's time to re-evaluate yourself. You're being all to hard on yourself. I can appreciate what you're saying, but you need to hear what you're really saying and it's meaning. You are allowing jealousy to dictate your feelings and behaviour. You are allowing judgment to fog your sight of yourself. Don't allow her to define You. Define yourself.

must run now
Blwssings

MsKitty -- "homemade butter - who does that?" LOL!

You have received lots of good advice. Your post made me laugh. Was it supposed to? You sound all too human and normal. If it was all written in seriousness, my best advice is to get involved in something that you excel at and are passionate about, so that you have something you can be proud of.

Don't worry about it.

There will always be someone smarter than you and dumber than you. You have to just do the best with what you have. Learn and read good books and you will get smarter.

There will always be someone with a cleaner house than you. AND someone with a dirtier home too. Pick up and throw away when you can. Put a trash can in your livingroom so when you are done with something you can throw it away. Clean real good once per week or twice per month. It will make you feel better. Then invite your friends over right away so you can enjoy the fruits of your labor.

If you think your marriage could be better, write down what you would change. Then review you list in a week or two and see if it is the same. Do this for 5 or 6 times. If you find the list doesn't change, then ask your husband to do the same. After he makes and reviews his list several times, review the lists together. You work on one thing on his list and he works on one thing on your list. Over time your marriage will get better.

Read the book, "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands". Then give it to your husband to read. Both of you will learn a lot about how the opposite sex thinks. Then watch the movie, "Fireproof" with your husband. Buy the movie's companion manual, "The Love Dare". My wife and I will celebrate our 39th anniversary later this month, and we are here because we follow the principals in "The Love Dare."

Good luck to you and yours.

It's all about perspective and when you put someone on a pedestal and choose only to see their good traits you're missing out on the big picture.

First off, she stays at home and has time to keep her house clean and develop her pie-making, crafting, book discussion skills. You are working and have a different focus in life. You can't compare the two equally.

Secondly, you don't know what drives her. I've meet so many people whose main goal in life is to project a perfect life to the real world but behind that facade their life was one big hot mess.

And finally, you're cutting yourself down too far. You don't like to clean? Big deal. Personally, I think cleaning sucks and there are five million other things I'd rather do with my time. (I have never understood the notion that women are supposed to like to clean. Pure brainwashing, IMO.) And I always loved to craft but almost everything I did, didn't match the picture in my head. It got so frustrating, I stopped crafting, but I loved it and missed it too much. Now, I enjoy the process instead and don't focus on that picture in my head, just the joy of doing it.

What it comes down to is you're throwing too much energy at elevating your SIL and cutting yourself down instead of focusing on what you can do to make your life the way you want it to be. Been there. Done that myself. Change your perspective before you drive yourself crazy. Hugs.

Well, I'm not any of those things your SIL is - I don't like doing crafts, I think they are boring and I don't like having all the stuff around the house - all the materials needed to do them then the dumb thing you ended up making. Honestly, if my kids didn't do them I wouldn't have a marker or glue stick in the house.

I'm not a church-goer either. Just don't feel like doing it on Sunday morning. I don't necessarily buy into what they are saying and I'd rather spend that time at home.

Who wants to spend hours making a home made pie? Surely there is something better to be doing with your time - then who is going to eat all that? I'd be on the treadmill for a week working it off - no thanks.

I don't love hosting parties either - eventhough I have to do it a few times a year for my kids birthdays or holidays, but I prefer to meet folks out - let someone else cook the meal and clean it up - then I don't have to clean myself.

What I'm getting at here, is that you should not compare yourself to this woman. Maybe she feels lots of pressure to be the perfect June Cleaver, or maybe she just needs everything to be or look perfect to feel good, or maybe this is just her personality and she's happy this way.

You are a real person, like me and the rest of us, who is not perfect, and frankly may not want pressure of trying to be. Take the pressure off yourself and be who you are and who you want to be.

If she's a bragger ("oh you have to try this pie I made" yadda, yadda, yadda) then you should reply with your truth. "I'd love to make a pie like that, but I tried it once and it took forever and I didn't want to do it again." Or "I tried baking some things once and they were terrible. Don't like doing it, but yours is great."

Maybe she's jealous of you for living your truth, instead of trying to be this unattainable perfect person.

No one is perfect, your SIL is not, her husband is not, their marriage is not, and neither are their kids. Tell her your truth, and make no apologies.

Is she as funny as you? :) I liked your post too. I think this is part of life... My dad has always had such a great attitude while my mom festered a bit about the friends with the bigger house or something. I've concluded two things - there are always some people who are richer, better looking, smarter, more energetic, more talented etc. Nothing I can do about it and I will ruin the life i have if I think about it too much. On the other hand, things like that are motivating. If I really want to be better at xyz, I can get BETTER at it. maybe not the best but better. Usually though when push comes to shove, it's somethign I don't care about that much. And then I look at the people who have lives so so much worse than mine and realize how much some people might envy me. I also used to be pretty jealous of my sister. Married a wealthy man and is a SAHM etc. But we're close enough now that I realize she still struggles with lots of stuff. She happens to work hard despite their wealth etc. But I also think that human nature is human nature. A well off SAHM can get so bored she becomes unhappy. It happens often. So in a way it's a choice. I really think happiness comes from inside. Also remember when your kids are older you'll have time to do crafts and all. Years and years for homemaker stuff. And I thnk half the time that gets boring...

Well you are describing my sister & BIL. Plus, she is super involved in their school. Pays 50,000.00 per year for both of them to attend a top private school in their area where her kids are learning at 2 grades above my kids. She makes their costumes for plays, Halloween, has super talent with this too. They vacation yearly in Hawaii where BIL windsurfs and surfs. They also have a condo in Tahoe where my nieces take fancy ski lessons. My nieces also take fancy ballet lessons where my oldest niece is top of her class. Their piano lessons each cost 900.00 per month and they are getting really good. Then there are fancy summer camps, swimming lessons etc.... Plus, the big house they live in (mine is 900 sq feet) where my 3 kids share a 10X10 room. They just remodeled their house, ours is falling apart.

Needless to say I feel the same way you do.

I am in therapy to work on myself and to work with my DH on our relationship. Plus, I am working on being happy with my life and myself. It's hard when perfection in on the phone daily LOL. Luckily they live thousands of miles away and I only have to hear about it over the phone.

Just some "big picture" advice.....

No O. is perfect. And as parents, we learn pretty quickly not to compare our kids to anyone else's kids, right? Cut yourself a break. Just because you're "not her" doesn't mean there is something "wrong" with you! And just because your marriage is "not like theirs" doesn't make your any less valid.

You don't have to have things in common with someone to enjoy their company and have a nice time and good conversation, right?

And there's always that chance that the picture they're painting isn't quite as it is.

Keep in mind that if you allow her to make you feel inadequate, it will happen.

If you compare your weaknesses to someone else's strengths you will always lose! Before you go, make a list of your strengths--I be you have a lot. Have your husband help! You can do this!!

Except that the books aren't 'it'.

You two value the same things... But you've managed to hang onto your values DESPITE taking a totally different track in life.

Do you know how rare that is?

Instead of devaluing your ideals, and her style of life... You still love it. So much so you're actually jealous. And YET you've managed to lemonade it by taking a totally different way of living, and still being you and holding those same values and ideals, and expressing them how you can, with what you have when and how you're able.

That shows so much strength, and creativity, and pragmatism. No wonder she likes you.

To use the faithful man standing on a roof in the flood asking his to save him... You don't turn down the canoe, zodiac, boat, helicopter... You've said "Hey! A canoe! That's brilliant!" when it's still off in the distance and fetched out a kayak from the attic.

She sounds like a great person, and so do you. You each have your own strengths.....and weaknesses, even if you aren't able to see hers. No one is perfect. First and foremost, you have to know that. No one.

So, how do you get over this?

Stop comparing yourself. Seriously. Just Don't Do It! When you catch yourself, make yourself stop, and keep stopping yourself whenever you find your thoughts roaming into this territory. ("Lilly, stop!") It's like any bad habit. You have to do this over and over to train yourself, stop the habit, and replace it with something else.

If you summon all of the energy and time you spend in your head doing these comparisons, and instead use that time and energy to do things that make YOU happy, things that fulfill you, brighten your spirits, make you laugh and be happy to be alive, and if you keep doing those things, you will eventually feel better about you, about your life, and you won't be so focused on your SIL.

People who are fully immersed in their own lives have little time to compare themselves to others.

Hope this and all of the other answers help and that you come to appreciate yourself and YOUR unique gifts.

J. F.

Can you take your own inventory of positives? I am sure they are there if you look:

Like pinterest? "Interested in new ideas and the interests of others."

It's easy to get down on oneself when in the presence of 'perfection'. What we have to do is find those other things about ourselves that we do like.

For example, I could say "I'm a short, round thing who could stand to lose a few pounds, I get tired of being a SAHM and not having more mentally interesting work, I am always behind on some aspect of the housework, despise doing dishes on some days, and there are too many weeds in my yard and my husband and I don't have the same connections we did when we first got together-- nor are we smokin' hot any more."

Or, I could say: "I'm a person who cares a lot about my friends and others in my life and am willing to make time for them and their needs. I show up when they, or their kids, or my family or my kid need me. I spend time feeding and nourishing my family, which is work, and keep a garden to do so and to make our world beautiful. I make an effort to take interest in my husband's interests, so even if he falls asleep during Burn Notice, I am keeping our 'date night'. My house is just the right amount of cluttered to make people comfortable and not feel bad about their own messy house... etc."

Swing your perspective around if you can, Lilly. And know, too, that even the most beautiful, wonderful people do have their challenges. I have a gorgeous, homeschooling-like-a-champ, cute-wonderful-house/wonderful-husband sister. Once I got past all the surface stuff (we met when I was 14 and she was 9 and already who she would be today) and focused on getting to know *her* --without letting that take anything away from me--- we have an awesome relationship. We are at different points in our lives, too, and so keep that in mind -- it may be the same in your case with your SIL as well. Find the good in your lives and try to enjoy hers by proxy instead of feeling 'not enough'.

Lilly, just the fact that you posted on this without running her down says a lot about you: aware, compassionate, wanting to deal with a problem progressively and to help keep yourself and your in-laws feeling good.... those aren't bad things, y'know?:)

I am not trying to minimize your feelings but really, you are jealous because she can do crafts, bake pies, and is very Christian?? I know everyone has different ideals but that all sounds pretty hokey to me. I am Christian as well but I don't see how I could be jealous of someone "more Christian" than me. I get it, it's the whole package. I think you need to work on improving your own life little by little. Maybe splurge on a maid once a month? Maybe cut back the things you are involved in that are not essential so you can have more time to focus on you and what you love to do. And in reality, no one is perfect. They have their issues as well, they probably just don't talk about them to people because they like to maintain this fabricated "perfectness".

The grass isn't always greener on the other side. Remember that you don't know what happens behind closed doors. I always remember the fact that what people see, is what I see. I know that I am myself around everyone else and alone. Be confident in that you do know your own shortcomings, however, the brightside is that you can change them. It sounds to me that someone ( SIL) is attempting to be a "perfect" person, with a "perfect" life. You sound more real then you know. Never compare yourself to someone else.

My eldest daughter has this kids hip hop CD that she'll put on when she's in a good mood. Some songs are about mermaids and magic, others about the power of love. Don't tell anyone, but I totally dig it, just on my own.

Anyway, my favorite song on the CD has a chorus that ends in the line, "I gotta be me!" and it's about how we can't be like anyone but ourselves, so we get to make that wonderful.

Sure, maybe your SIL looks perfect on the outside but is miserable in fact, but I'd prefer to assume that she really is that happy. There are far too few people on this planet living a life that they love. I hope she's one of them.

I loved Riley's response to you. I hadn't thought of it in that light until I read what she said. And I agree.

It sounds like you admire your SIL beyond words, and, that when your around her you feel a bit grey. Jealousy is such a human emotion. Show me someone who doesn't feel jealous sometimes and I'll show you a winged elephant. I like to think of jealousy as a window into the soul. It doesn't have to eat me up, it can just show me what it is that I want and that I'm not getting.

I feel jealous of people now and again. Doesn't mean I wish them ill or hope they loose what it is that I want - just means I aspire to that too. The balance, the joy, the career, or whatever.

Bottom line? I gotta be me! Sure, I have friends who are better artists, more advanced in their school, who are smarter, or who seem to breeze through life with more grace, or X, Y, Z. But who can I be? You're not going to find me up to my elbows in cookie dough and I can't cook to save my life. But, I can listen to a friend and let them know they are loved. I can't ever start halloween costumes before the day of, but I can look into someones eyes and not flinch while they tell me about their childhood trauma. My house is a mess, but my heart is full.

I really wish I had a clean house, energy to paint, did more crafts with the kids, cooked nice meals, and a raft of other things. But it's just not my life right now. I do have a good and full life, one that is my own. And that is something that I feel really grateful for.

You're real, honest, and authentic, and while you might not be able to crochet your way out of hell, I'm sure there are other talents you have. Don't sell yourself short sister. I hope the week goes better than expected.

Usually when I see a perfect package of a family. I wonder to myself, how many trips to the doctor and how many bottles of prescritions does that picture of perfection take. When the door closes are they really happy? Or do they disguise their pain. Now is the time for you to take stock on your life blessings kids , roof over head, no major illnesses, husband, jobs, and add goals and make them happen be it making a craft project, vacationing in Maui or simply having all the laundry done one week except the clothes on your backs. There is always a part of an image that is an illusion, don't let hers fool you.

Love your post as well!

You are outside looking in! A strong marriage takes a lot work, sacrifice and all that other stuff, you may not know intimately the price they both pay to have what they have and enjoy it.

I am in know way saying that you have not paid the price to have the things you desire all I am saying is that we all take a different path and we all get bumps,bruises and trip and fall she just has never shared her challenges with you.

Do you boo! :) I bet she admires a few things about your life as well...

Love this post and all the answers!

My favorite part of what you wrote, Lilly, is that you do not sound bitter or resentful toward your SIL -- it sounds like you honestly admire her. And that is a wonderful quality you have. You are obviously an honest, warm, caring and interesting person.

I can't top all the great advice you've already gotten, but I second the suggestion to talk to her about how you feel. I bet she will make you feel better. Good luck! :-)

I'm not sure how you get over it. Perhaps, there is someone who could counsel you so that you are relieved of these feelings. If you and your SIL have a good relationship maybe you could ask her how she is able to accomplish those things. She sounds nice so I bet she is willing to give you some pointers. She probably doesn't have things in line the way you think. I'm sorry if I'm no help. I hope you find a solution to this and you feel better soon.

I can relate. My brother and SIL are glowing members of society, doing everything perfectly while my husband and I tend to makes mistakes before we learn from them. It annoys me too and can bum me out sometimes. But instead of dwelling on all the differences I try to focus on the positives. So in your case, your SIL is really good at being a SAHM and I'm sure you don't wish her ill-will for that! Sometimes you've just gotta say, "Well good for them" and call it a day for yourself. Every person has different abilities and strengths, as well as levels of standard. My bro and SIL's house is always neat and tidy even though they both work FT. I on the other hand just don't care about cleaning some days, and I rush around like a mad woman before company arrives. But my life is still as valuable as hers. There may be things they admire about you. Maybe your SIL wakes up some days and thinks gosh, I wish the kids were older like my in-laws kids and I wish I didn't have that party tonight to host because I just don't want to do anything today! Also, every marriage is SO different. You may have close friends whose marriage is completely different than yours. Try your best to think logically about it. Thinking so negatively all the time will keep you from seeing the positives. Sometimes ignorance is bliss. I have to forget the fact that they go to Mexico every year for a week and I may have to wait to get there until the kids have graduated HS and we've been saving for a decade!

I lost my post by not pushing the post button, sorry.

Anyway, don't compare your life with your sister in law's. She could be a bit envious of your life style.

At one point your were close but as the children came and you two got busy you drifted apart and only have books in common. This is normal. You tried to do crafts, sewing, cooking, cleaning and whatever and found that there are some things you are not as good in. Some people have a knack of being able to do many things and makeit look easy. That is normal also. Stop trying to compare your life to hers. Do what you can and know it is your best.

Live your life and enjoy it. If you stop and find something that you really like along the way great. Practice it until you are really good at it and know that it is your best.

Children take up a lot of time and so do their acitivities and you would need the help of a cruise director and team to make all things work all the time. Trust me. I had to be so super organized and almost anal to make sure we got where we all needed to be and it was not as much fun because the clock was always ticking. When you were there you were thinking of the next thing you should be doing and not really enjoying the moment.

So take a deep breath. If need be ask her how she manages to get it all done with so little effort. She might be willing to give you some tips.

The other S.

PS Have a great 4th!

We all get the green-eyed monster every now and again. There was a Mom that I talk to at my children's swim class. She ALWAYS seems to have it together. She had a high-powered job, her kids were well behaved, they took nice vacations. lived in a nice house, and always seemed to have money to splurge on things. I have to admit that I was a little jealous...I have most of these things...just not on the same scale as she did. Then, one day she started telling me about the frustrations of her job. I realized that she actually had WAY less job satisfaction than I did...So, sometimes things just aren't what they initially seem....

I have 2 thoughts.
1) please learn to love yourself. All your quirks, your strengths and your weaknesses. It took me a long time to get to where I really accepted myself and learned to love my whole self, but it's a great place to be (although of course I have my days where I forget this too). Please try to get there. Ok, so the house is a mess but your kids love you and your a great mom. What's more important?

2) You might try to become closer to your SIL. That might sound crazy but - no one's life is perfect. It sounds like she does a really good job of covering up the struggles in her life. But if you actually got close to her and talked about real things, you would probably find that she does in fact struggle with many of the same problems you do - finding peer groups for her kids, worrying about them, feeling the pressure to be perfect all the time even when she's exhausted. I bet if you started a conversation with "I'm so jealous that you get to be a stay at home mom", she's answer with "in some ways its great but XXX (with some of the things that make being a SAHM hard)". It might take a few tries, but it might be really good for both of you to get past the superficial relationship that you have now.

All you share is materialistic things and good multi tasking/ organized. How is her Heart ? Does she Serve ? Does she know God ? Do they Tithe ? Do they help the hungry ? What makes her perfect ??? I think God looks in us to be perfect in HIS way...... not what you do, but how you feel and how you apply your gifts for others.

There's no such thing as perfect even with the family members, friends, and other people who MIGHT look like everything is perfect.

As for you, you have named what's going on with you, that YOU could make some changes to improve (if it's important)....the easiest thing could be your "ugly dirty house", which if cleaned MIGHT make your husband want to come home and not work so much. (That's just a thought not an indictment). If you HATE to clean, can you hire someone to come in a couple of times a month?

I too have what some people think of as the "perfect" sister and brother in law. The holidays have revolved around their schedule for years, because they have the biggest house. I haven't cared much for the Christmas celebration for a long time because it was so decadent at their house, it just seemed wrong and not what Christmas is about to me.

Thanksgiving is/was my favorite holiday until last year when they decided to have Thanksgiving on another day because REAL Thanksgiving Day didn't fit into their schedule. It also turned out that I didn't bring the dish my sister expected be to bring, even though no specific dish had been assigned only suggested. Well fake Thanksgiving went downhill from there. I decided to opt out for the Christmas holidays with them last year, haven't spoken with my sister since and guess what, I don't miss the drama.

Every family has their little secrets and imperfections, even/especially the ones who feel they must "appear" to be perfect.

Have you considered having Thanksgiving (or any dinner) at home just for your family or perhaps friends who like you for you and not what your house might look like?

If being with Mrs. Perfect makes you feel the way your feeling, don't go!