Little Girl from Iraq.....would You Do This ????

You have many awesome intentions, and I think that is wonderful. HOWEVER, as someone with a lot of real-world experience in Arab countries, I want to advise you to be VERY sparing in lavishing objects on this little girl. There is a very intense code of honor that is at play in Arab familial dynamics, and by giving a lot of things to this family, you are setting up a scenario whereby they will DEFINITELY feel obliged to you. They will not be a position to return the obligation, and it will be very depressing and embarrassing for them.

INSTEAD--what I would suggest is to make a small, yet useful, welcoming packet of a few essential things for the family, and then show them hospitality in less-tangible, and more easily "pay back-able" ways, such as having them for a meal, having tea with them, and being there for them if they need help negotiating new elements of American life. It will be easier for them to provide reciprocal hospitality in this way. they will not be in a position of giving you a lot of material objects in return.

As your relationship develops, you may or may not be able to take up a more "motherly" role, but forcing it is a BAD BAD BAD idea.

I hope that you will consider this--I'm a professor of Middle Eastern history, with a speciality in these issues, and I've worked a lot in Arab countries with refugees, so I know what I'm talking about.

Good luck!

My hubby's family immigrated from Iraq after the first Gulf War, and they came here with nothing. One thing that would be most helpful for them would be for you to learn some very basic level Arabic so that you can communicate a little bit with all of them. Chances are, even if Nurr's father knows some English, his daughter probably knows none, as English education does not begin until later in Iraqi schools. She will be starting school in the fall, so if she can learn some English before then it'll help her greatly.

Do some research on local resources that can help them out. They will need furnishings for her room (if she even will be getting her own room). Think about things that would be helpful for someone to know about the US and your region in general. My hubby's aunt and uncle recently immigrated and I picked them up at the airport...I was ASTONISHED at the kind of differences that I never even anticipated. Such as--credit cards, drive thrus, literal translations of English, social expectations. Do your homework and learn as much as you can about their culture. It would be quite appropriate to get a few items for Nuur, but do not overdo it--maybe something like cute bedding, bath towel, a few toys, a bike, school supplies since it'll be starting fairly soon after she arrives. Immigrating is quite a shock and it is best for her to have gradual changes, as much as possible. It might be comforting to have some familiar foods from home...bamiya (beef and okra stew), dolma (grape leaves stuffed with rice, meat, and veggies), dates, figs, nuts...you can Google "Iraqi food" to get a good idea of what would be good.

If there are any Arab families in your area, perhaps you could talk with them about what it is like to raise kids in the US versus their native land. The biggest difference that my in-laws and I have over child rearing is that in the US we raise our kids to achieve independence very early on (my MIL's observation, not my own.) There is not such a heavy emphasis on self-reliance in Middle Eastern cultures.

I really commend you for being so welcoming to their family and so generous. It really warms my heart when I hear stories of Iraqi families who have come to the US, and the wonderful people who help them along the way. God bless you!

I would not buy her very much at all until you meet her and her mother. Actually, I'm confused. Is the person coming, the daughter of one of the men who currently reside in the US? How old is she?Is she arriving alone?

Anyway, I'd wait until you meet the girl and whoever is taking care of her before I bought much of anything. You need to be sensitive to these people and their culture. You can talk with the brothers now about her arrival and how you can greet her and what you could get her for a welcome to America gift. But you don't want to overwhelm her or her family. And you only want to give them what they are comfortable accepting.

No, I would not ask for donations. I'm guessing this is what your husband is dismayed about. This little girl is fortunate to be able to join her father but she is not a needy child. At least not any more needy than many children who already live here. The truly needy are those children left behind in Iraq. You could ask for help to provide for those children once you have a plan in place that includes how you are going to get the goods to them.

Because your husband knows the family, I would follow his lead.

No I would not ask stores for help.
I would not buy her any clothes because her father might not approve.
I would get her a beautiful backpack and fill it up with markers, crayons, pens, and beautiful note book paper with like cats or dogs or butterfies on it and so on.
Maybe you could get her and her father a gift certificate for ice cream.
Or ask to take her out for ice cream.
Have the family over for dinner.
Offer to watch her if the men need to work.

Please becareful, don't over do it.
It might make her father feel like he is not doing a good job on his own.

God bless the family.

I am happy for you, that you have found a way to help and give back.

Don't think of this as a big splurge, but rather, consider how to make yourself the most useful and helpful resource this family could have when they arrive. While a "welcome gift" of a few outfits and some toys is very very nice, more important is a pathway, a way to help this child feel comfortable and assimilate into a brand new school environment in a new country and a new language. Keep your powder (energy and money) dry until you know what the most important needs and challenges will be. You won't know what they are until she gets here.

Enjoy this, you could be the key to a young girl's life being as wonderful and productive as it ever could have been, before disaster struck.

-- K.

No -you shouldn't ask for special discounts or go too crazy buying her things. I think it's very nice that you want to get her some things, but she does have family here! There are many, many refugees and children from war-torn areas who arrive in our country on a fairly regular basis, so department stores can't give discounts to everyone who claims to want to get something for them.

Good luck! I'm sure she's eager to arrive and see her family, and whatever you get her will be a nice surprise for her I'm sure.

I know you want to shower this little girl, to let her see how life will be better for her here. That is a very kind thing to want to do.

I'd also suggest taking a step back and finding out what you are looking for in this relationship. When you say "mother figure", you are taking on a lot. Start small. Invite the family over for dinner. Get to know them. Slowly get to know her.Playing games is a great start. It may be that she is like many young girls and is really wanting to seek out peers with the same age and interest; she might be less interested in connecting with other adults. Don't take it personally. She's going to have a huge transition, and who knows WHO she will be through all this.

I'd offer to the family that you are available to help with her, in whatever capacity they need. "Young adolescent girls can be a real challenge, so call if you ever need to talk or want help with women's stuff" might be a nice offer to her dad. Don't rule out, too, that he or her uncles might remarry. It's touchy.

You sound like a very thoughtful and caring person, and I hope that you are able to have a friendly relationship with this young person. (ps--if you do go shopping, good to talk to dad about what he feels is appropriate dress...I think talking to a child's parents about this before going is good practice, regardless of culture!)

I agree that it would be wise not to buy her clothes until you find out what is culturally acceptable, and how much her father feels comfortable accepting. I have some Iranian relatives, and they welcomed people with gifts like candy and flowers, and/or served festive meals.

After she's here, you can feel your way gently toward getting her clothing, or something for her room. But showering her with "everything she couldn't dream of having" could be seen as wildly inappropriate, and could give her and her father the wrong idea about what to expect from their lives here. There will probably be ways you can help over time that would have more value to them.

Your enthusiasm and generosity are commendable.

I would work with local muslim community centers and mosques as they likely already have proven services and welcome programs in place. Or try raising some funds and help thru your own church. Most of the major stores have serious community give-back programs in place and do not respond to independent personal requests.

You need to tread VERY lightly here. The things that you want to buy her could cause some very serious culture clash. You're going to need to find out what is appropriate for her to have and wear. I would get the Dad and explain to him that you would like to buy a few things for his daughter to have. I don't know if he would be uncomfortable with going with you to pick things out or not. Just be extremely cautious. It sounds like your heart is in the right place and you want to be important to this little girl, just don't overstep your bounds. It would be devestating for the both of you if you bought her tons of gifts and she was unable to use them.

What a truly heartwarming story!! I agree with what some of the other Moms' are saying about not buying too much too soon...don't overwhelm her. You also need to learn something about the culture that she is coming from...find someone who is Iraqi but has lived in the US for a while and visit with them about expectations, differences that she will have to deal with...things like that. There are so many differences between cultures, just like someone else said, just sitting with your feet crossed so that the sole of your foot is pointing towards someone else, or touching their heads, could be construed as an insult.
If you attend a local church you might ask them if they have access to bedroom furniture for her, and try and get her bedroom set up before she arrives. I don't know how much luck you are going to have going to stores to get donations, money is so tight right now and I have found that a lot of retail businesses have really had to tighten their belts, along with all of the rest of us.
I think the best thing you can do is just be that Mother figure to this precious little girl. Imagine how scared she is going to be...it sounds like she is leaving the only family she has ever really known, flying to a country where she can't speak the language, where everything is going to be so strange and new to her...she will need a good solid shoulder to lean on!!
God Bless You

If I were in this situation I would find out what my husband's dismay was about. Maybe he thinks you are going overboard. Look at your words... "I want to get her cute clothes and toys and such.....everything that she couldn't even dream of having". Maybe there are cultural considerations to think of as well. How would the family react to you spoiling this child. If you talk it out, you can come to a compromise on how to celebrate this little girl's arrival. In addition, I would pick items that were within my budget and I would not ask for discounts. Just my thoughts.

I wouldn't set it up for her to come in receiving an outpouring of "stuff" if you're wanting it donated. If you can't afford to keep it up, what happens when she gets to the next size, wants the next toy, etc.?
That being said, I think it's a blessing that you and she will have each other. If you want stuff for her, try posting your story and request on freecycle. People are very generous and have stuff to give away!

Does your church have a womens group? I don't know if your catholic but our council of catholic women would hold a shower for someone in your position for the little girl. Check into your local parish and see if they canhelp. check out st. vincent depaul they might help also. good luck. but be careful of getting over attached. it will hurt horribly if you get over attached and then they take her away.

I think S.H. is hitting on some important things to keep in mind as you gather stuff for this little girl. If you all have known the family for 6 years I'm sure you'll make the right decisions but I would be concerned about giving her too much stuff too soon, it may just be overload. Also, keep in mind that one of the big knocks on American culture that some in the middle east have is our materialism. To bring this girl to America and load her up with toys and clothes seems to almost feed the stereotype. Again, you know the family and how they would feel about such gifts and can make an informed decision.

Good luck,
K.

Since your husband is close to her father have him ask him what he thinks is appropriate for her. and would they mind you getting her anything in the first place. but also have your husband let the father know this is not charity but that you are just excited about her being here and want her to feel welcome.because of religion and culture you wouldn't want to offend them. i wouldn't ask the stores for help. if it were a charity i would say yes. but i commend you for wanting to show this little girl love and helping her feel welcome in a whole new world. good luck and keep up the good work.

To be honest I don't think they would do anything for you. I'm not trying to sound unpleasant about it. I do believe that they should, however if they did this for so many children that have been brought over here, it wouldn't be just those honest people doing this but half of the country. Sometimes' others' ruin it for the right ones that should receive some assistance. My answer would be don't bother. There is no point in embarrassing yourself and being belittled. Good luck with the little sweetie though, I'm sure you will be wonderful for her. Take care!!

As a business owner, I no longer do anything for free or discount unless they are a 501C3 charitable organization. I can't afford to and can't imagine they can either.

In college, one of my projects was to collect items from stores and to donate to a charity. I had a hard time getting grocery items that were going to a charity, as opposed to an individual.

Personally, I think you should learn about their culture and beliefs if you really want to be of help. It is not so much that you have to lean their direction, but enough to understand your guests. They will be different and you need to understand that difference in order to get along. Some cultures have beliefs or ways about them that are strange to us because we don't understand why. Are you aware of rude gestures in their culture? Some cultures believe it is a rude gesture to show someone the bottom of their shoe, therefore, you should be careful when sitting with your legs crossed (most often mens style). Will she be required to cover her body? Are Sari's customary in their culture? Chances are, she will not show up in a pair of jeans and a T. Are they muslim, Christian, or Jewish? Will you be okay with their religious beliefs?

As well, I believe they it is customary to speak within very close proximity
to you, in your personal space. As American's we often keep an arms length from one another when speaking and are uncomfortable when someone comes closer. People of many other cultures often hug and kiss as a greeting, will you remember?

Have fun, but as everyone mentions, use caution for a long lasting relationship.

i think it's great that you're wanting to do this for her. i'm glad they did it legally. you could ask but to be honest some people might get offened. if you're afraid of spending too much money you could always go to the goodwill store. i know the clothes are used but sometimes you can find really cute clothes that are in good shape you just have to really look. also, if you are a member of a church you could always talk to your congreation about her see what they might be able to do. good luck.

You could tell your story on craigslist and see if anyone would like to donation their used clothes and toys.

It's great you are helping the family adjust but i wouldn't ask for clothing discounts from the chains. Buy her enough to get her started here...but be sure to clear it with the father first. It sounds like the family wants to fit in with American culture but you should still get his opinion.

Most likely she is just going to be shocked upon arrival of the US and what is here. She needs to learn basic things like shopping and how to get around her new school. If your district is still in session it might be a good idea to visit the school where she'll be enrolled. She'll be needing some placement tests too...if possible you could visit the classroom where she would be attending in the fall. Chronologically she is about 9 so that is around 3rd or 4th grade. Maybe meet the teacher, staff, and ESL teacher.

She's getting near that age of hitting puberty so it's good that she'll have you around. Let her dad know that you are there if he ever needs help with raising his daughter.

Good luck to all of you.

In my experience, the major chain stores do not donate to people or organizations that cannot produce proof of non-profit status.

In addition, those stores typically choose a regional or nationwide non-profit organization to support (i.e., they do not do much local donating, and if they do, you would know it, because they would have a lot of PR surrounding their actions).

I have seen a lot of rejection letters from big stores for local people and non-profits asking for help.

Keep in mind also, that your attention is so much more valuable than lots of gifts and clothes. Don't forget Craigslist and yard sales too. Plus, tell people you know that you need second hand toys and clothes. Many people are witing to give their good used stuff away.

Hi D.! Kudos to you for your interest in this little girl! How lucky she is to have someone like you to be a mother figure and to embrace her when she comes here! I would not go crazy buying things right now, but perhaps wait until she arrives and then once she is here make it a fun trip for the two of you! Take her to lunch and then to get a few outfits and a couple of toys, nothing too overwhelming. Set a budget before you go so that you don't go overboard. I would not ask for discounts. I agree with the other responders that while her situation is sad, there are so many needy children in this country and since you are not purchasing for a charity or a special cause, then I do not think it is appropriate to ask for discounts.

Good luck and I hope Nuur one day realizes how lucky she is to have you! God bless! :-)

Edit: just read your edit.... maybe ask your Husband, for a "budget" that you/he can then feel okay with? It is real admirable that you are really taking this step to help them. I did not know that little girl had no woman figure/Mom to care for her here. I am sure, they deeply appreciate your Husband's friendship and yours.... and your grace in trying to fill her void for not having a Mother figure... maybe try and learn about their customs... and foods? Maybe you can also cook her something special from her homeland.
All the best- Susan

Why is your Husband "dismayed" that you are "planning" for her arrival???? Can you explain that further???/

Do you both have children of your own?

And, it is up to the parents... as to what they want for their child. There is also the cultural differences in values/customs.... and for them to plan for her arrival. So heed to that as well.

Is that family poor? Or able to provide for the child?
Your Husband has known the Uncle of the girl, for 6 years and you say they are good friends. Maybe he does not want to step into boundaries... since that is his friend's niece. It is ultimately up to the parents to plan whatever planning it is.
And, the child will probably have a TON of cultural things to adjust too...and language barriers and just emotionally adjusting.

But if it is okay... per their cultural customs... then go according to that family's wishes.
Then nothing wrong with trying to get discounts. But this is for a child... not any type of monumental "need" or fundraising. If we Moms all tried to get discounts for our kids, just because we have kids, then what?

D.,
In August, our church does "clothe a child." Other churches have partnered with us for the last couple of years. Each child who is chosen to participate get $100 worth of school clothes. Kohls is the store in McKinney that participates. Volunteers are there to help the children and their families shop.
You can contact McKinney Fellowship Bible Church to get more info at ###-###-####. Or go online to www.mcfbc.org. They can tell you which church in your area is participating.
Good luck and God bless.
Victoria

I work at kohls and I don't know if they would do anything for free, but if you go in the clearance section you will find baby/kid clothes for under $5. I buy things for my kids there in the clearance sections and they do have really cute stuff! It's not picked through either. I found a really cute shorts and shirt for my son for $8 total. And if you go on their sale days (usually on Saturdays are the best deals) you will find even better prices. I hope everything works out for you guys and the little girl!!

You might want to check with Catholic Charities. Not sure about your area, but in Tarrant County they have refugee and immigration services that can help with assimmilation, job assistance, apartment setup, school info, ESL and all kinds of things. Please note that they don't have to be Catholic to use these services--this is where everyone in the county is sent for assistance. Check here for more info: http://www.ccdofw.org/services-refugeeimmigration.html

I think it's awesome. Go for it.

AMAZING!! Glad you're excited. Yes, I would do this. My husband served in Iraq in 07. He is retiring on July 1, 2010. We live in Keller. Send me a note if you'd ever like to get together.
R.

I think it is WONDERFUL that you want to get involved. That poor little girl! My biggest fear in life is that something will happen to me and my kids won't have a mom. My cousin was abandoned by her mom and raised by my uncle, but she has had so so so so many problems. She never had anyone to talk to about her body, no one to trust for advice, for a woman's perspective.

Moving to a new county/ culture, moving to a new language, leaving war behind, all without a mother is traumatic. Oh my heart breaks for her and rejoices that she will have the chance at a new life! I am so happy she has you!

I have done humanitarian work, long term, in post war environments and I think your husband has a point about not creating a culture of dependancy. On the other hand, my MIL has bought every stitch of clothing that my kids have ever worn and we're not dependant, we're grateful. When people support entire communities with unstopping supplies instead of cultivating opportunities, there is a problem. But welcoming a child who has suffered enough and has no mother with clothes and toys is generous and kind and I don't believe it is in any way a bad thing to do. You name will be a blessing on her lips for the rest of her life.

My heart is smiling at your post. Thank you for being you.

D.,

I know your intentions are good and your heart is in the right place, but IMO showering her with gifts is a bad idea. I think a small welcoming basket with a few items would be much more appropriate. I'm not very familar with their traditions and customs, but you'll want to learn them and take them into consideration. What we think this appropriate, they may be offended.

Maybe you might want to host a welcoming party for her.

Once she arrives, I'm sure the family will really appreciate your helping her adjust to American life, and assisting them in shopping for items they may need.

Yes I would ask for discounts and tell them exactly why you are asking. I would ask Rita's water ice, local sports centers, Kohl's, be creative in your asking.

D.
I know that Walmart routinely helps those in similar situations as well as many other organizations with grants discounts and such. I can't speak for the other stores but I would think it couldn't hurt to ask. Don't be embarassed to ask them all!
Good luck on your endeavors and bless you for getting involved in this girls life!

I think the best gift would be to learn a few words in her language. Of course, she will have to learn English, but your welcoming efforts will be appreciated

Save your money and energy until after you learn her needs and the needs of her father and uncles.

You say you want to get Nuur some "cute clothes and toys." To us American moms, what we think is "cute" little girl shorts may be unacceptable and too revealing to her adult male relatives. Too many Americans dress their little girls like mini-Paris Hiltons. (Read "The Hurried Child" by Dr. David Elkind.) Also, what American moms think is a harmless toy like a Barbie doll or book may "suggest" to Nuur that pale, caucasian skin is what Americans consider beautiful and make her feel even more culture shock.

I liked the idea of a backpack with 1 box of crayons, 2 pencils, and blank notebooks. Maybe teach her to draw some simple pictures and practice saying the words in English: "cat" "dog" "apple"

The Salvation Army and Goodwill have some pretty great stuff in the way of children s clothes and toys. Also Craigs List will have people who are getting rid of out grown clothes. I wouldn't ask stores for discounts. Times are tough for everyone and everyone could use a discount if we could get one. Learning about their language and culture will help a lot. You might want to get all involved, but how much you get involved is going to be determined by her family. I have no idea what religion you or they are, but if you are not the same, they might prefer someone who is the same as they are. You might want to inquire at the local mosque to see if there is some sort of class or cultural out reach program.

Dear D.,
If I was you I would wait until she is here. Once she is here and you have all her paperwork that proves what you are going to tell the stores, then go and see if they can help her. Also try Walmart, they are pretty good with donations. Look for any thrift stores by you. Here in NJ there is a website that is called 'freecycle.org' and you can get a lot of stuff for free and in good conditions. I don't know if you have something like that there, but you can search the internet and find out. Go to your church and see if they can help, maybe by doing a bake sale or something like that. They might even be able to find her father some work to do around the church.
I would help them, no matter what religion they are or you are, helping out is always a good thing.
You can also go to a .99 Store and get her little things that she might be able to use in the summer. Try to find out if she can be enrolled in summer school to take English as a second language classes; so she'll have some english when school starts.
Blessings

I'm extremely excited too, for you, for Nuur, for her family, for everyone involved! My suggestion would be to send the story to the corporate headquarters of each of the companies, along with pictures of her (with her father's permission), and see if you can get discounts that way. They may end up donating some things to her family in support of her happy childhood. I certainly would not approach a store associate or even a store manager for such a matter, go straight to the top. This is so wonderful for you to do for this little girl.

You sound like a very cool person and from the excitement in your post you are already getting something out of helping this little girl. You do not have to spend a lot of money to help brighten her life up. I buy my own kids stuff from thrift stores, Ebay and Craigslist sometimes. Another idea is to take some "donations" from family and friends. We helped out some close family friends who are having a hard time at Christmas this year. We too didn't have a ton to spend but when my Mom & MIL heard what we were doing they both pitched in and we were able to get some great gifts. Since this is a little girl from Iraq I bet people you know would pitch in to help. Something tells me the time you spend with her, helping her get comfortable in our country and being a Mom figure will be more important than anything you buy. Good luck and have fun!

Wow, I just have to say the advice y'all gave is AWESOME! I totally agree with everything said and think it's great so many of y'all thought of the cultural component, something that is hard to think about when you don't travel a lot. Great advice and yes, very sweet of you to be so excited - I hope you can be a great role model and part of her life here.

That sounds wonderful. You could always ask... but it may just be easier to bring your husband and get his military id discount.

I would maybe just get a few things at Goodwill or a second hand shop for her, until you learn the true needs of the family. There are a lot of really clean and in great condition clothes and such there, just wash them when you get home.

Since it is a different culture .....and I'm sorry I don't mean to sound ignorant but would she even be willing to be "americanized"? Would her family agree with the clothes as well?
I know you must be elated and congrats from the bottom of my heart this is wonderful news for you and your family as well as hers.
The discount thing I doubt will happen but it NEVER hurts to ask! How old is she? I know Kohl's you can sign up on their website and usually every Friday I get a pretty decent coupon plus they have those particular days where they have some pretty good sales. This weekend is most likely going to be a good weekend for some good deals-memorial day sales! Good luck and never be too shy to ask because you never know what the answer would be but I would walk to the customer service desk and ask for a manager because you ask anyone else they will most likely tell you no or send you to store manager anyways to make a decision like that.

You might try asking for clothing and necessities on Freecycle or from local church or non-profit organizations.
I would be cautious about lavishing her with gifts though. Wait until she gets here and maybe help in different ways like helping her register for school or taking her shopping for a few "back to school" outfits.
I think if you are showering her with stuff as soon as she gets here you are going to turn her away and actually make it harder for her to have a relationship with you.

Dear D.,

How exciting for this little girl and her family. Nuur is now 9 years old and I am sure has opinions on what she wants to wear and so forth. I agree 150% with babyimomma L. Since she has the experience I would err on the side of caution. Also since hubby isn't happy about your plans maybe he can't communicate it well but perhaps he also thinks it wouldn't be appropriate to do right now. Get her a special Welcome to the U.S gift, and then go by her and her families signals as to what you can and can not give her. Your heart is soooooo in the right place and it sounds like you want to help her and be their for her especially since her mom has died.

I agree with the other posters I would wait till shes here. Make sure your not stepping on any custom lines, and find out the beliefs of the family.

On another note, I just cleaned out my 5yr olds closet and I have tons of clothes I would love to give you. Send me a message if your interested and we can get you the clothes. I have some shoes also. I have 3t up to 5t.