Letting My Son Go...

Updated on August 10, 2010
S.C. asks from Hersey, MI
9 answers

My dad took my almost 8 year old son (then, almost 7) to the Buckley Old Engine Show last year. This was for 4 days 3 nights(thurs night to sun afternoon) deal, where I went 2 full days of not seeing my boy. Of course, my dad wants to take him again this year. I agreed. Then, my dad springs on me that he wants meet me in town so he can have my son go with him THIS SUNDAY! So I said, why Sunday? What are you planning on doing? He said taking "Taking Andrew to Buckley, of course!" I was like "ummm, this wasn't supposed to be until Thursday!" Well apparently he told me (I don't remember if he did, and I don't think he did) that he was planning on taking my son for a whole week. He was mad and disappointed when I told him that I really don't like that idea (he was under the impression, somehow, that I knew this was a whole week deal and was fine w/ it).
Sooo my husband and I talked about it, and the only reasons not to let him go are:
1. The siblings would miss him (my daughter, then 5 years old, cried sooo much for her brother last year after a day and a half, I don't know how she would feel for a full week!)
2. We, the parents would miss him too!
3. He has never went that long w/o being home and if he gets homesick, I highly doubt my dad would bring him home, and the drive is an hour and a half from our house.
4. I am slightly paranoid about nutrition, and my dad does not eat anything but red meat, some bacon and ham and he eats a lot of processed food and not many if any, veggies and fruit. I try to give the kids as much natural, whole, homemade food, and as much organic as we can afford, food. And I know my boy would be eating a lot of junk for like a week! A few days isn't bad, but a week. I know, not the end of the world, buuut... it is just one of my concerns.
5. We'd miss him (did I say that?)
6. My middle children (4 and 6) are going to be all upset that BaPa always takes their older brother and staying a week, ooh the torture I will get from them. Especially my daughter who is realizing things should be fair, and gets awful upset if things aren't or are not, in her mind, fair. She will be heartbroken and jealous... I know I can find things for them to do, but it took a while last year to even make her feel better, and like I said it was only 4 days last time.
I feel like my dad is not taking my husband's, my other 3 kids' and my feelings into consideration and that this was soo sprung on me and I hate impromptu things, I like to plan and prepare (mentally). I just don't want him away for that long. I am struggling b/c I know a week is not THAT long, that we will survive, and my son will have fun. Am I just being selfish and stubborn? I AM thinking of my other 3 kids, at least the middle 2 who are old enough to realize that they were not taken too. Ugh, I think I have seperation anxiety!
What would you guys do? Thank YOU!

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So What Happened?

OK... I will suck it up and *gulp* let him go. I will talk to my dad about what my son eats and definatly about spending time, individually with my other kids, which he has never done. I do feel like he favors my older son, and I see the hurt on the faces of my middle 2 when my dad brags (and boy does he) about how well behaved, and wonderful, and how eveyone that is around him is so impressed yadda yadda, around all the kids since he never brags about them, in fact kinda does the opposite about my 4 year old son saying that he never listens to himmand is into everything and always is touching him (patting, hitting, tickling, my 4 year old is a physical touch love kinda kid), which that is not entirely true, and my oldest is not always listening to my dad either... but it breaks their hearts. He did say he is going to stop talking like that around them, but says that to me to and it hurts my feelings. I love that he is so proud of my oldest, but it seems like he is playing favorites, and like I said, he never has taken any of the other children alone anywhere. Their age? I don't know. He took my oldest at 5. (the ages of my kids are almost 8, 6 1/2, 4 1/2 and 17 months).
Now it is great that he wants to spend time w/ them, whereas my mother (they are divorced) doesn't seem to care AT ALL. And we hardly ever see my husbands parents anymore,even though they are like 15 min from the house... I don't know why... But my dad, he sees the kids any chance he gets. And I did spend time w/ my grandparents a lot, on both sides, sometimes w/ out my sister. But never a full week w/o seeing one parent until I was 16. Anyway, I am calling my dad here in just a minute, thank you all for helping and sooo soon too!

More Answers

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K.F.

answers from New York on

Yes you will miss him. Yes the other kids may be upset. Yes you will miss him but don't rob him of the time he will spend with his BaPa.

Do something extra special with the other kids while he is gone.

Your other children are learning that life is sometimes not fair but that doesn't mean you can't just move on to the next thing and enjoy what you have. How are you going to teach the others how to handle life's disappointments?

Don't worry about the diet. When he comes back home get him loads of fruit and vegetables. He will be fine and so will you all. Help BaPa to understand that next year he may have to take 2 kids or agree to do something special with the others too.

1 mom found this helpful
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K.M.

answers from Kansas City on

You don't have separation anxiety, it called being a mom!

Actually, I think your dad is the one being selfish and stubborn. Let's face it, you would KNOW if you had discussed a week-long trip regarding your son. I think he is trying to pull something on you. If you think a week away is not going to work, then don't do it. If you are okay with just the weekend, then present that to your dad and say this is your only option, take it or leave it.

I do think it's important for kids to spend time with their grandparents, but when grandparents act like babies because they are not getting their way, then it's time to follow your instincts and shorten the trip. He's only eight years old. There will be plenty of opportunities for him to spend with his grandfather and you may feel better about letting him stay away longer when he is older. Until then, don't apologize for not wanting to be away from your son for so long. You sound like a great mom!

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K.B.

answers from Houston on

My husband used to fly to Arizona (from Chicago) to stay with his grandparents for a month in the summer. I don't know how my MIL did it :-)!

Anyway, I think the nutrition issue is weak (sorry). Even if he ate straight sugar and salt for a week it's not the end of the world and honestly that much junk will probably bring him back home craving healthy food!

Now the siblings....does your dad plan to have special weeks with the other kids when they get older? Is their exclusion just because they are too young or does he have a special bond with the oldest and you see this favoritism continuing forever? If the other kids will get a chance when they are older I would just tell them that and have it be something for them to look forward to. If it's just flat out favoritism then I probably would actually stop the special outings out of fairness and respect for the feelings of the other kids.

The big issue here is your feelings. If it were me, as long as I was confident that my son would be safe with his grandpa and he wants to go I would choke back the tears and let him go. Unfortunately kids only get so many years to spend with their grandparents and I wouldn't want to take this away from him.

Good luck,
K.

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B.H.

answers from Los Angeles on

Ok, you have written out a whole list and gotten feelings out. You are probably feeling a little better? Hope so! [hugs]

It's hard to let our kids go! But if it were me, I'd let him go. And...ask BaPa what he going to do with each of the other two kids? They deserve their one-to-one time with him as well and he should definitely tell each child himself what special outting he has for each of them. That way, too, you can remind them that their turn is coming when they feel left out while their big bro is gone.

You can send some healthy food with Grandpa to serve your son, and insist that they call home each day. Cell phones are great for that, maybe even send a pic message. That will allay some more of your concerns.

Let us know what you do!

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L.P.

answers from Pittsburgh on

Ooohhh, I'd have a hard time letting my son go... but it would be totally because of MY separation anxiety...

I think that if I trusted my father wholeheartedly to keep my son safe, and my son really wanted to go, fully understanding it's for a full week, I'd let him go. And personally, if he got really homesick, I'd drive the 1.5 hours to get him. Just my thoughts.

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A.H.

answers from New York on

wow... it's only an hour and half away.. you could pack the others up and meet them on Wed. for night at a hotel.... You could even surprise them.. you can call you son.. make sure he is ok.. if not you go and get him. As for the others at home tell grandpa.. that the other kids want to be with him too.. and maybe he can take them to a movie or out to a cool dinner place when they get back.. tell him that he has to promise you to do this... or you won't go along with your son going.. tell him that you have to be fair to all the kids.... and that they really want to do something with him too. Let your son go... but have the back up plan about maybee meeting them.. or you can always drive over in the morning meet them.. and then drive back home later.. it's not really that far.. as for you being home with the other kids.. make it a mommy and kids day.. go to the park one day.. to the mall another day.. a mcdonalds day on wed... make it fun for them too.. and on thursday.. make a picture for the brother who is away... color pictures.. make projects... whatever.. you can have fun too... and make it fun for the kids.. maybe pop a tent in the yard.. and sleep outside.. good luck

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B.B.

answers from New York on

Once again it seems as though I am in the minority here. If you don't want him to go, then don't let him go. He is your son and if both you and your husband feel this way, then stick to your guns. I think it is perfectly acceptable to tell your dad that a few days is fine, but a whole week is not.

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C.E.

answers from Denver on

I think you need to let your older son go. The younger kids need to understand that as you get older you get to do things the younger kids don't. It's not fair to your son to keep him home because it's hard on you.

Also, regarding nutrition, it's just an excuse. Eating poorly for a week with Grandpa is not going to harm your son.

Be glad they can make these memories and have special time together. They are times he will remember his whole life and look back on fondly.

C.

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S.S.

answers from Chicago on

I just raced through this, I know exactly what you feel like. Now try having your son be eighteen, tell you that he joined the Navy and they are leaving next week. Yup, heart broke, he was in six years and now he moved and is in love. Life is filled with the moments that we didn't get to prepare for mentally, but that is life. Love him every moment you can.

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