My daughter is 17 yrs old. I've been a single mom since she was 1 1/2 so we're pretty close. I am having a hard time with her losing her virginity. We have talked about what it means to share herself physically with a boy. We've covered all the STD info and birth control stuff. She went on birth control earlier this year after breaking up with a boy she was ready to have sex with. She had planned on using a condom but I don't believe a condom is reliable birthcontrol. Now she's going back out with that same boy and she wants him to be her first. I wanted her to wait for the relationship to be stronger but she said she couldn't promise that. It's only been two months. With all the talks we've had on the subject I believe her to be ready. She has thought it through and I'm comfortable with the fact that she's ready.
My problem is I'm not ready. I even told her that. I think she went all the way this past weekend and I'm waiting for her to tell me. How do I respond? We even had a discussion on making sure she was physically ready for "the act" to make sure it was comfortable and not too painful. Even discussed her pleasure and not letting it be just for him. So, it sounds like I've accepted it. I think I'm just scared it will change her or our relationship. Definitely will be consequences if I come home to them going at it. She has been told that they are not allowed to have sex under my roof.
I guess I'm looking for words of advice. Hopefully others have been through this.
Thank you everyone for your responses. I'm feeling a little more at ease. I'd like to say that I had to start the conversations to find out what she was thinking but I trust that her answers were honest. I guess one of my fears is that she won't come to me and I am unsure where to draw the line on asking for the information.
But thank you again to all of you. It will just take time for full acceptance.
As much as I don't want my now 15 yo having sex with any boy and to wait unitl she is married when the time comes I hope she trusts me enough to come to me.
You done good M.. And you are my hero.
She is 17, not a child, but is sounds like you know and understand that. From what you say here you have done everything right, and have a very mature daughter. Just keep those lines of communication open.
I am so impressed that your daughter even talks to you about that stuff. =)
I have all boys, so there are different issues...
My only advice about letting go, is remembering that Change Promotes Personal Growth. Changes are hard...but without change we cannot grow.
D., I am not yet where you are, but it is my greatest hope that I will be as successful of a mom as you are! To have such an open line of intimate communication with your teenage daughter is wonderful.
Continue to let her know that the lines of communication are open. Don't be upset with her if she doesn't want to share everything all the time. Some things are allowed to be personal. Also, continue to have clear boundaries. Let her know you are there for her but also let her know that the rules or your home and your relationship have not changed.
Be proud that you have raised a daughter who trusts in you and respects you enough to come to talk to you openly.
I don't have advise for you, I just wanted to say that you sound like an awesome mother. You trust her to make her own decisions, which at 17 is huge and she feels comfortable enough to talk to you about things, which is rare! Feel lucky that she is 17. Unfortunately that is old these days for having sex for the first time. And wouldn't you rather her do this with someone she has been with for quite some time? They have a relationship. It could be worse. She could go to a party and decide to lose it to random guy. That would be crushing. Let her figure it out, and be there to listen. If she understands and respects your rules about not doing it in your home, then find peace with it.
Wow, sounds like you have done a great job at creating open communication there. I don't know how I would handle all of that.
Wow my girls are 1 and 2 and I hope someday I can be like you... I fear I will freak out on them or they will never open up to me like that because I will give them that face of OMG! And then probably cry :)
I wanted to say congrats on being so open and knowing you can't stop her from being who she wants to be in life. I am sure you might get a few moms on here who will not like or accept that you didn't do more to stop her, but that is their opinion!
Just wait for her to make the move and let her come to terms with it all. Keep up the talks about being safe and how hard it is to be a young mom! I am 35 and I can't imagine how hard it would have been in my teens or even 20s!
Bravo for you...
me and my mother are the same way because my dad passed away last year. I just lost my verginity 5 months ago and im 3 months pregnant now. But i missed a shot. I know you dont want to hear this but with me being 16 i can say no matter what are parents say when your :in the momnet" theres really no stopping it. Im sure if they did "get it on" shell tell you. give her time it took me three days to tell my mother. and she had a huge talk with me. and i understand why she was so antsy about me waiting for the right one. but sometimes it takes a mistake to learn. even if its not a mistake shes a teenager and shes trrying new things and at least shes 17 and didnt start at like 12 thats a plus ((; and at least she talked about it with you first. some kids dont mention it to their parents at all. your daughter sounds like a nice girl. i hope me and my child will be as close as me and my mother also. lol.
I only wish my mom was able to put her comfort aside when I was that age and be as open, honest, informative and supportive as you have been for your daughter, despite your personal comfort level at seeing your baby girl make this huge, adult decision. You have done an AMAZING job talking to your daughter about everything and making sure she makes this decision carefully. The most important thing is that she has you to talk to AFTER she becomes sexually active. Again, while you might not be super-comfortable with knowing your little girl is having sex, she will need you to talk to and it will make a huge impact on her life that you're there, just as you were there before she had sex for the first time.
GOOD your daughter even talks to you about that.
KEEP up the open line of communication.... a girl, needs their Mom. Even at that age.
Personally, I NEVER told either of my parents, when I first had sex.
I pretty much educated myself on it.
I was not stupid about it.
Even went to the health clinic myself, and got tested for STD's AND made the guy I was with do the SAME thing. We went together in fact.
Your daughter, should ALSO consider, going to a health clinic to get tested, REGULARLY for STD's.
At this age... it is easy... to contract anything....
Condoms... do not protect against things or diseases.
You can get Herpes for example, just doing oral sex, too.. and in foreplay, no condom is used... and therefore, a person CAN get STD's.
A condom, is only for not getting pregnant. But that is not fail-proof either.
Accidents happens.
Make sure, your daughter KNOWS the RAMIFICATIONS... of things... both sex, and oral sex and foreplay.
Sorry for the too much details... but that is how it is.
And there is also genital warts to worry about.... and that can create cancer.
Make sure, SHE is in control of her body and impulses. NOT doing it for the guy.... or for fear of losing him. But watching out, for her OWN health.
You are good about it... and talking about it with her... and her 'identity' as a woman.
If not having sex under your roof... they WILL go elsewhere. Ya know. She is 17.
all the best,
Susan
The only thing I have to add is, if you've told her all that, and know she is protected and has all the knowledge she needs, why the rule about it not being under your roof?
I haven't had to face that yet, and I'm sure I'm not going to want to delve too deeply into my daughter's sexuality (gross), but I think I'll probably let it happen under my roof,when the time comes.
I mean, if you know she's doing it anyway, where do you want her to go? His family's house? The back seat of a car?
My mom let my boyfriend sleep over when I was 19, so that's the age I'm hoping my daughter makes it to before I have to face that issue.
