My daugher Daphne will be 4 in June. We started potty training her a year ago, when she was two months shy of 3. She took to it very quickly, and after a week was completely potty trained. She then went two months without a single accident. But after that she started getting sloppy. She never has had a poopy accident. But she started having tiny little peepee accidents. Usually they weren't even enough to wet the crotch of her underwear, just a few drops, maybe the size of a quarter. But she would have to change her underwear or she would freak out. Eventually this got to the point where she would sometimes wet a few drops 6 or 8 times a day, and on the rare occasion (like several times a week), wet through to her pants. I feel like it's either something psychological she is getting out of this or else she's just lazy/busy and won't stop playing until she knows the peepee is coming and she can't stop it. We have tried everything under the sun to motivate her to stay dry, from negative reinfocement (time out, loss of privlileges, lectures, yelling, scorning etc.)to positive reinforcement (like a candy or sticker for each time she goes potty with dry panties, or saving up points to get a big prize, plus lots of praise) to ignoring it and making as little out of it as we could (just having her change her own underwear and put the wet ones in the dirty clothes herself). Nothing works. Or nothing works for long. Some things work for a few days or even a week. We had the longest dry spell when we had her earn a coveted toy by going 5 days with dry panties. For about two weeks afterward she was perfect. So I thought we'd finally gotten her trained. But gradually, she drifted back to wetting a small amount several times a day. If I stay on top of it--set the timer for her to go every hour or remind her several times a day--she can stay dry all day. And most of the time she's away from home, like preschool, she stays dry. But as soon as I stop reminding her or of forget to take her, she drifts back to having tiny accidents. We've even been to the doctor, twice, and she doesn't have any bladder infection or other physiological issues. I'm at my wit's end! It's been a whole year now! I know she CAN do it, because the first two months she was trained, there wasn't a single solitary drop of urnie outside the toilet. So what gives? Why won't she just do it already? What can I possibly try on her that I haven't tried already? When is she just doing to GET IT?
Try having her wash them out by hand. Don't get mad just be matter of fact and tell her that big girls take care of their own panties when they have accidents. It worked for my niece.
K.
I agree that it could be a medical condition. I had a similar problem myself when I was little having accidents until I was well into elementary school. My daughter had the same difficulty. I don't remember now what it was called but essentially, the opening doesn't always close tightly so there are drops occasionally. It also may come from some sort of allergy or like others mentioned, an infection. Have her take care of herself by cleaning herself up. Like one of the others said, make it her responsibility. And make an appointment with the doc.
My advice - Give up. She can do it (she does when not at home), so make it her responsibility and don't renege on that. She will probably test you on this and have little "accidents" off and on for a while, but make sure you tell her clearly that she is in charge of it now and you won't be reminding her. She uses you as a crutch when she is at home. Either to get attention or she feels like she is not responsible for herself at home.
One other thing you can do -- limit the number of panties she can use each day. She freaks out at the little accidents, so maybe she will take more control if she knows there's no more clean panties to change into for that day.
Good luck!
A.,
I decided to read all those that have already responded to you before writing. It is interesting to see the range of answers.
Your reaction to her "accidents" is the main thing that you are responsible for. Why do you expect perfection from a 4-year-old? What message are you sending her by your reaction?
Since she stays dry away from home, I have the believe that she is testing your love for her. My guess is that she has convinced herself that you don't love her unless she is dry. And she is slowing proving it is true. (This is on a subconcious level and she isn't even aware of it). She is probably also wondering why she can't stay dry. Unless this is the truth for you, I would suggest you really look at your reaction and see how loving it is.
Years ago I had the opportunity to teach 4-year-olds and I was constantly getting frustrated with their behavior. It wasn't until I started teaching older children that I looked back and saw how unrealistic my expectations were. Give your daughter some slack -- she is still learning!
With my whole heart, C.
Maybe she needs a little peer "encouragement." We had a similar problem with our son. He finally "grew up" and chose to be potty trained (it is a choice) when we went on vacation for a week (our first one since he had been born), and left him with my brother-in-law's family while we were gone. He had a cousin one month younger than himself and an older cousin, both of whom were trained. By the time he got home, he had learned that big boys use the toilet, not their pants. Peer pressure had done what we couldn't do.
I've had a hard time getting my 4 year old to use the toilet. He had 3-4 pee accidents a day if I didn't remind him. BUT, we put him into a diaper one day after an accident and he hasn't had one since. The package of diapers is still sitting on his dresser as a reminder. I like the limited number of panties daily. Once she uses them all, tell her she gets a diaper.
There is a special program at Children's Hospital for chronic poop & pee problems. These problems are sometimes physically unavoidable, and it's possible that your child falls into this category. (Think of bladder control like you would allergies and bad eyesight -- this might be a "disability" sort of problem. My niece is 10 and will likely wear pads & pull-ups for the rest of her life.)
Get her checked out, because if this IS the problem, it only becmes worse by waiting. Good luck to you!
I agree that she is using you to be the responsible party. I think that I would give her a certain number of panties in a drawer (make sure she know how many) and put the rest away. Decrease the number of panties in the drawer each day. Instead of reminding her to go potty, just ask her how many panties she has left. Maybe you can ask her to be the example for her brother. Make sure that she knows that you need her help to show him how to stay dry. Keep your head up and don't let her see you frustrated!
How about putting a diaper on her or pull ups like a baby? Is she proud to be a big girl with big girl panties? Maybe with a diaper or pull up she won't want to wear them like a baby. I surprised that she wants to get her pretty panties dirty.
You just need to relax. It sounds like a busyiness problem. the important thing is to keep the relationship positive, and to remember she won't be doing this when she is 12. They always work these things out themselves. Negative attention will make her resent going to the potty. The good thing is she stays dry when she is away from home. Praise her for that and every time she is dry at home, even for a short time. Children care more about hearing their mom's tell them all the great things about them than they do candy or toys. Good Luck!
I think this is not uncommon. I have had a similiar issue with my 3 1/2 year old daughter as well and found that many mothers have experienced this as well. It is very frustrating, but it will not last forever. I have to actually go with my daughter to the pottey and sit with her. I have to actually make her go. So, in the morning she always tells me she does not have to go and I tell her, "Okay, that is your choice, but then you do not get to wear a dress today or you can not watch a movie tonight." whatever it is that I know she wants to do. Then she says she will go and that she wants me to go with her. At school she is fine. If we do not reminder her every hour or two she just will not go and then she has an accident. I am going to try a pottey watch. I have heard other mothers say it is a great tool and you can set it to go off every hour, every two hours, whatever you want. You can get them at a grocery store in the baby section. You may want to give that a try. Let me know how it works for you and I will do the same. Good luck!
All I have to say is good luck!!
Hi A.,
When my second child, Melody, was potty training we would have the same problem. Always tinkling in her panties before going to the potty and I would get so mad at her for waiting to go so long that she couldn't hold it anymore. Finally when she was 5 I took her to the Dr and turned out she had a bladder infection. Don't know how long she had it, she never showed any symptoms except the tinkling before going to the bathroom. After a week of meds it hasn't happened since. Give your Dr a call. Good luck!
C.
Have you ever thought about taking your baby girl to see a chiropractor? She could have a subluxation (fancy term for a vertebrae that is out of proper alignment) that is pinching on a nerve that controls her ability to control her bladder.
Most chiropractors will do a free consultation and exam- it might be worth it to see what's going on with your girl's spine.
I recently worked as a teacher for 5 years in Florida before moving to Denver, and one of our students had the same issue. It sounds like you have tried everything that we tried too. What finally worked was a quick reminder during times when we anticipated an accident. So as not to give too much attention, all we would say was "are you keeping dry pants?" Then a simple thumbs up if she was doing a good job. We were able to fade out those remimders after about a month as she realized she could do it on her own. Good luck!
About me: I am a SAH mom with a 9 month old boy.
3 1/2 is still young. Some kids don't get it completely until they are four! Let it for now, put her back into pullups and tell her when she is ready to let you know.
Also I would take her to your Pediatrician and have a check up about this. It could very well be her bladder muscles are not strong enough to hold it for long. Like bladder control in older women. I know after having kids just coughing hard I can accidentally pee my pants. I would say have it evaluated from a medical standpoint more then anything and let it go. Be matter of fact, if you are worried about her pants get her some big kid pullups to lessen the stress, just to protect her underwear from being wet or her sitting in wet underwear, which can cause issues in little girls on a different level.
The more you push at this age, the stronger they can resist. You have to admit you have NO CONTROL over this, she does and until she sets her mind up to do it, if there is nothing medically wrong then you have to let it go.
Explain in Pre K or Kindergarten, they won't allow her to be in pullups and she has to go then by herself. Empower her with what a big kid does, if she continues to just not do it, then take a way a few big kid priviledges, not nagging just simply say something like "well, when you are ready to be a big kid, then you can have big kid priviledges"..matter of fact, let it go and keep it simple.
My daughter didn't fully get it until she was 3 1/2 and when she decided it was time it was over 100% and it was done.
It's actually very common at her age. Kids just get so busy they don't realize they need to go to the bathroom until it's almost too late, then they don't make it. My daughter did this for a while. I had to make sure there was always a change of clothes for her when she went to preschool. They realized that it usually happened when she was playing outside or in a very engaging activity, so they always reminded her to go before she went outside. My 5-year-old son still waits till the last minute to go to the bathroom, the runs in there. Occasionally he wets himself. The best thing to do is calmly help them clean up and get changed. Be very matter-of-fact, totally non-judgemental. Just say "oops, you didn't make it? Let's get it all cleaned up."
And it doesn't hurt to talk to the doctor, just to be sure to rule out physiological issues.
In the Potty training book I just read. (I need to start with my daughter) it suggested that when they have an accident you have them practice. While they are still wet you take them back to were they had the accident and tell them that big girls don't wet, since you had an accident we need to practice you then have her walk quickly to the potty pull down her pants and sit down. You then have her quickly pull up her pants and take her to other places in the house and practice again walking to the potty and sitting down. The book says to do this 10 times.
The book is "Toilet Training in Less than a Day" by Nathan H. Azrin and Richard M. Foxx. The book has been around for a while I haven't done the training yet but maybe this tip will work.
Have you checked with your pediatrician to make sure she doesn't have a bladder infection? Sometimes when you have a bladder infection it can feel like you have to go all the time and you just go a few little drops. It also hurts to go, so maybe it is unpleasant for her. I think it's really easy to diagnose. Maybe get the kidneys checked for reflux as well if your ped. thinks it necessary. I'd rule out something medical, then maybe get some advice from your ped. on whether maybe there's something psychological and maybe he can refer you to someone that can help.
Sorry - sounds like a really frustrating situation. Hope you get it all resolved soon!
J.
OK, first of all, have patience with her because she is 4. She's not lazy or unmotivated, she just simply doesn't think about it. She will need constant reminders to go potty, even tho that gets old after a while. See if you can find a watch that you can set a timer for her. Set it for every two hours or so. When the watch beeps, she has to go potty. Do nothing but give her praise. You don't want to make going to the bathroom feel negative in any way for her, even if you are frustrated. If she does wet a little, tell her to go change (and make her do it herself, don't help her) but don't sound frustrated with her about it. Even if you are! Sound as neutral as possible. When she does go by herself, praise her for remember to go potty. But I would try the timer. Set some sort of timer and when it goes off, she has to try and go. She is probably very busy with what she is doing and doesn't think about it. My son is 5 1/2 and ALWAYS waits until the last minute to go to the bathroom. If he has a tough buckle on his pants, we usually have an accident because he waited so long to go. So it's very normal, what's going on. Try and be positive and she'll get the hang of it, don't worry! :)
You really should have her evaluated by her pediatrician. There are several medical issues that could be causing her to leak. Get her checked before you decide that it is a power stuggle.
Have you considered the fact that she may have physiological incontinence? Maybe she is not lazy, maybe her pelvic floor is just weak. Or she may even have been suffering from UTI's, they go undiagnosed sometimes. It's worth looking into. I was taught to do kegal-type exercizes when I was just 5 years old because a series of UTI's and a kidney infection had made it hard for me to "hold it," 23 years later I do kegals every day and have never had any incontinece even during pregnancy and after vaginal deliveries. BTW, "scorning" is never going to be an effective form of disipline, it is cruel and will not help to achieve the desired behaviors.
