Lazy 17 Yr Old

so what is it that you are asking for help with? Her attitude? Her laziness? Her parenting? How to get custody of the baby?

It sounds like you need to sit down with her and lay out x and y and z. Get a plan. If she had a bad home life, and she's not in therapy, she should be. Help her get a life plan and have expectations about her behavior. She's not 17 in the same sense other people are - she has a child. If she takes the child with her and doesn't have anywhere to stay, you call CPS about it. But before that, try to help her get through this and get back on track. Like others said, apathy can really mean fear - both my sks got really "lazy" before a big change, like going to or graduating from college. It wasn't that they couldn't do it. It was that they were afraid to fail. So maybe rather than let her fail, you take her and teach her how to take care of her son. For starters. "Teen, I know that you have a lot on your plate, but your son needs you. Here, this is how you prepare his bottle and how you feed him."

If I were providing a phone and internet for someone who didn't do what she should, I'd be cutting it off. She can have a pay as you go for emergencies only.

I agree she is depressed, overwhlemed and probably scared. Teens show these emotions in weird ways. My daughter is nearly 14 has no baby and virtually no responsibilities other than grades and activities and just getting her period wipes her out. Hormonally I cannot imagine what a 17 year old who just gave birth is going through. Not even taking into account the "bad home life" you mention, I'd bet this girl is struggling emotionally big time.

That being said she needs to step up for her child. Sadly, giving the baby up for adoption sounds like a good idea, despite the incredible pain of doing so. You need to have a heart to heart with her, get her some counseling and talk about the perils of not taking charge now. The longer she lives this way the harder it will be to break those habits. She gave up the lazy teen days when she got pregnant and you taking care of her baby is allowing her to continue not stepping up.

Get her into some counseling, find out if there are any support groups with gilrs in her position and do not take over her job as Mother unless you want to raise that baby yourself.

If what you are worried about is the baby, see if she will sign over guardianship to you. Or apply for it through family court. If you want her to take care of her own child, then just stop doing it. Leave the house if you need to. Im sure she will figure it out. I agree with other posts, how does she have cell phone and internet with no job? I would cut that off right away. Let her know what your expectations are of her if she lives with you and follow through. If you are worried about her taking off.with the baby an putting the baby in an unsafe environment then apply for guardianship or temporary custody of the child first. It shouldnt be hard to get as she has no job.

I would agree that you and her may need some form of counseling to help deal with whatever issues she is dealing with - it's also possible that if she comes from a bad home life and living situation, she really has no idea how to structure her day or achieve a goal or plan things out, if these things have not been modeled to her. I would be getting her into some kind of counseling, so she can see the benefits of getting her GED, and maybe even some kind of education or job training beyond that. Have some expectations of her if she is going to be living there - she needs to be the baby's primary caregiver. You will help her out if she needs help but she needs to be doing most of the work. She also needs to be helping out around the house. Take the phone and net book away until she can show that she can handle some basic responsibilities. If baby needs a diaper change, a feeding, starts to cry, etc. - get her attention and make her take care of it, don't just jump in and do it for her. Remind her that if she wants to be able to live on her own at 18, she needs to show you that she is capable of taking care of herself and the baby by herself. She needs more guidance and structure in her life than she's obviously had so far, and that might mean not making living with you so cushy.

She sounds like my daughter when she had her first baby at 16!

I don't go for overwhelmed, scared, etc. She's 17. This is typical for a 17 year old. However, she is not a typical 17 year old, she's a mother!

I remember one day when I had the baby (as always) daughter refused to come home. She just wanted to take the baby and leave. I refused to give her the baby. She left. I left and went shopping. When I came home, I was met in my driveway by two police officers. My daughter had called them because I wouldn't give her the baby.

The officers were very sympathetic, but the law is the law and they had to make me give her the baby. However, they also advised that since she was a minor, I could make her stay home. They suggested that I tell her that the baby can leave, but she cannot. And when I did that and she started running her mouth about how she was leaving and I couldn't stop her, the cop stepped up and said that he could stop her. He told her that if she wanted to give the baby to someone and let that person leave with the baby, they couldn't stop her. But they were not going to allow her to leave. They told her if she left the house, they would arrest her for being a runaway and they would take her to juvenile hall. Since she couldn't leave, she and the baby stayed. Later that night, she had had enough, and she took off again, leaving the baby with me. She never called the police again to try to get the baby because it backfired on her the first time.

It is very difficult with a teenage mother because everyone wants to treat them like adults and give them the same authority as an adult, until it comes time to pay for something. THEN they start in about how this person is a child and it is my responsibility to pay for this and that or whatever. But they never consider them to be a child when they are rendering services for which they intended to bill me!

All I can say is that with my past experience, I would NEVER take guardianship of a 17 year old pregnant girl. There is nothing much you can do other than to cut off her phone and internet. You can leave her at the house with the baby, but you can't make her take care of the baby. She could just let the poor child scream and cry the whole time you're gone.

Unfortunately right now, she IS holding all the cards! Good luck; you're gonna need it!

Find a support group. You need guidance in dealing with this difficult situation. Find therapy or support for the young mother and find somewhere that can guide you in how to deal with her.

Some of the Mom's are suggestion you make rules and demands..... that is great if it works, but your gal sounds profoundly depressed to me. I really think you need professional help and guidance.

She's depressed. I'd start out getting her into therapy. Medication can help, too.

I would encourage her to look into adoption. Therapy can include that goal too. Don't tell her she should relinquish. Suggest that she just look into it. Remind her that she would be free to do the things she wants to do.

I'd talk with the boy and his parents too. They need to start making plans. Sounds like everyone is just living day to day hoping things will get better when action is what is needed.

As long as you're willing and able to take care of the baby, CPS. Child Protective Services won't be able to do anything. However, I would call them to see what they suggest.

You may have to let her leave with the baby so that CPS can intervene.

I think I'd start, after seeing a doctor about the depression, by requiring that she take more care of her baby. Make life a little rough for her so that she'll see the advantage of relinquishing her baby. Give her household tasks. When we're a part of the household, we're part of the care of the household.

Start small. Decide what you're able to withstand. For example have her to totally in charge of the baby at night. Put the baby in her room. I'd guess that a couple of nights of baby screaming because she doesn't meet his needs could be a step in the right direction.

Yes, intervene before the baby gets too upset but intervene in her room. Make it uncomfortable for her to have this baby.

Do the same in the daytime. She's the first responder to baby's needs. You take over only after she's been made aware that the baby needs something.

Tell her that this is her baby and if she can't take care of him that she needs to sign over her rights. CPS can help her do this. Make it easy for her to relinquish.

This will be difficult but it's best for the baby in the long run. You can't keep making life easy for her because she will eventually, say when she's 18, decide to leave with the baby. Make it so uncomfortable, by requiring that she take care of him, that she won't want to take the baby.

She is 17. She is getting away with what she gets away w/ and it is working! You guys are paying the bills and she is taking adv because there are no rules. I have an older teen. It is NOT easy. If my daughter puts her phone on the kitchen table later than 10:15, it's mine for 2 full days! Take the net bk away w/ it ! I

Sit her down and tell her that there are going to be some changes!

She will be expected to get a PT job-20 hrs a week.

And the phone goes on the kitchen table @ 10pm unless she pays for the phone bill. When she pays the phone bill, she can keep it in her rm.

She needs love...and firmness!
This will be a tough love situation---or it prob won't change!
She will thank you later !
If she takes off---She might need professional help ! She is super discouraged !

You gotta see what the laws are.
And she is also negligent of the baby.
Document things.
But it is "her" baby.
You can't keep the baby.... it is her baby.
So, see what the legalities, are.
And she will be 18 soon.
Do your research.
She won't suddenly overnight become a responsible Mommy or individual.

Is she your relative, or are you foster parents? I think that you and she need some professional assistance. Look into what resources are available for her - parenting classes, a social worker, something. She needs to be in school, working and/or the primary caregiver for her baby. This sounds like a troubled young lady and needs help getting her life in order. You need to set some ground rules and get some counselling / parenting classes for her.

I read "her" phone, "her" tv and "her" netbook.
Without a job, how does she pay for phone service?
How does she pay for internet service? (assuming that is why she is on her netbook).
You need to do some touch love, I'm sorry, it is not going to be easy.
I would recommend replacing her cell phone battery while she is in the shower with one that will not hold a charge (surely someone can help you out with that)
I would also turn off the wireless feature of my internet (assuming you have that).

There is no cure for this, and it is going to be a new battle everyday.
But make sure she uses a toothbrush around the kitchen faucet when she cleans the handles :)

inbox me, I'm queen of sabotaging teenagers.

~A.

P.S. Get rid of her "go to" food. Peanut butter? trash it! Coke? stop buying it! You must weaken them to gain power.

Hi, C.:
You took over other parents bad parenting.

Call a family circle and get a facilitator for a restorative conference.

Call Sandy at the International Institute for Restorative Practices
at ###-###-####

Ask her if there is anyone in your area that will be able to do a restorative conference.

Good luck.
D.