Lack of Respect

What worked for me was calmly looking at my daughter and saying, "What did you just say to me?" in a tone like I couldn't believe what I'd just heard. They will rarely repeat it because they know they were rude in the first place. It also works well on adults :)

Another suggestion would be to tell her, "That sounded really rude. Would you like to rephrase what you just said?" Sometimes they are so focused on what they want/ need that they forget who they are talking to.

I have with my kids, done this:
IF/when they are being like that, I take note of it. Not out loud or anything. But the next time they want something or tell me they want something I say to them "NO. If you cannot help Mommy, I will not help you..."
Or "NO, if you cannot be nice and respectful, then Mommy will not help you." Then I walk away.
In other words, I take myself, out of the picture, and they know they cannot manipulate me.

Kids, at this age and older, do say things like "YOU are MEAN!", or "I DO NOT LIKE YOU, you are MEAN!"

A kid that age ALREADY KNOWS, it is wrong. So why get into lengthy lecturing about it.
Just say No. And walk away.
I tell my kids, they are a PART of a Family, and they need to act like it.
OR they can NOT expect "Me".... to react to them.
We ALL help and try our best... and they can tantrum all they want. It won't work.

ALSO, if my kids tell me I am mean, I say "YES I am. I am mean when you do not behave. I am nice if you do behave. You know that." Then I add: "YOU decide, what Mommy you want." Then I walk away.

There are two things that can be done here. The first is preventative, and may seem extreme, but it worked for us. We cut out TV during the week and limited it to two hours (videos only) on weekends. I realized that most of the attitude I was seeing came from Disney and Nick shows. If you really look, you will see what bad attitudes even the 'good' kids have on these shows. Back talk, dramatic sighing, rolling eyes, sarcastic/disrespectful comments, etc. is the norm. As is 'doing dumb stuff' without any real consequences. When we did start allowing real TV again (not animated videos), we went in gradually and I sat with them to watch. That way I could point out bad attitudes (every little thing) so they could learn to identify it. I also, didn't hesitate to nicely call their friends on it. 'I'm sorry Megan, but we don't allow kids to roll their eyes at adults in this house.' or whatever. I really watched the girl's behavior after play dates as well. I quickly noticed that playing with some kids produced less than desirable behavior/attitudes in my girls, so I pointed it out. 'If you come home from Abby's house with this attitude again, you will not be able to have play dates over there for a month.'
The second is the need to address the attitude when it appears. We call it Cinderella Therapy. I sat the girls down to tell/remind them of the story of Cinderella. We talked about what a horrible life of thankless drudgery she had (fun side conversation about the word drudgery!), but what a fabulous attitude she had. She had to scrub the floors on her knees, do all the cooking and cleaning with no please or thank you, feed the animals, etc., but she still wakes up singing, she sings while scrubbing that floor, she even finds time to help her friends with a smile! I explained that this shows that thankless drudgery equals fabulous attitude, so if their attitudes were less than fabulous, I was not providing them with enough thankless drudgery, and I would be fixing that with Cinderella Therapy. 'If you roll your eyes, or whatever, you will be given work to do until your attitude improves.’ I started with a one warning (since this was a new thing) ' One more word from you and you'll be getting Cinderella Therapy.' I gave them two rotten jobs to start with. Scrubbing the kitchen and bathroom floors with a small bucket of hot soapy water and a scrubby sponge. Then dry with a towel. (no stand up mop, or 'swiffer'). They had to come back to me when they were done 'I finished the floors. Is there anything else I can do for you?' without attitude. If I felt they had learned the lesson, I would say ' that is all for now.' No thank you, no good job the floor looks great. Just 'that is all'. If they were still giving me sarcasm, or complaining that I was 'so mean' or anything, I would give another job (windows, weeds, sweep the patio,) until they fixed their attitudes. It took a weekend of this therapy for them to really catch on, but it was an amazing transformation. We had to re-apply this technique every few months to reinforce the fact that bad attitudes are not accepted in this family. Within a year we only had to say 'oh, I think maybe someone needs some Cinderella Therapy' and they'd get an instant smile on their face and apologize. They are now 13 1/2 and 16 years old and the mere threat of Cinderella Therapy fixes them up immediately!
I hope this helps. Be brave!

Do the "super nanny" approach. Explain to her what is expected and what will happen if she talks back or is disrespectful, then follow through with 100% consistency. If she mouths off, put her in time out for 5 minutes. Let her sit there even if she says you're mean. Just ignore her comments while she's in time out. Then when she's finished with time out, talk to her about respect and have her apologize to you. Stay consistent and you should see results really fast. I did this with my teens (LOL) and it worked!! =) They were embarrassed to have a time out (in the corner like their younger siblings...LOL) But they sure to watch their attitude when talking to me... Good luck!

State the rule. Then EVERY time it gets violated act on it. Yes, she will argue the first couple times... But once she knows that its gonna happen EVERY time then the arguments should abate...At least out loud that is...

I've found that a lot of times I go into lengthy explenations and this gives out 2 over 5 the ability to argue... BUT when I look at them and calmly say That was disrespectful or uncalled for, or inappropriate, or rude, etc all I have to do is point. If I point up then they go to their room by themself... If I point at the corner then thats where they go. If there is ranting and arguing heard from the other room then the timer gets started over again... When they have calmed themselves and fixed the attitude then they come back to the rest of the family and apologize to the disrespected person AND then anyone else... Including the pets for makeing them witness a tantrum...

Yes, sometimes embarassment in front of siblings is what it takes... And they will be embarassed when they have to apologize to the dog...

And yes, PRAISE her goo actions and responses!

She says you are mean, but you are not mean at all. You are doing her a great service in teaching her to speak respectfully to the adults in her life. Manners are important and they help in a wide range of situations. Calmly tell her that it is unacceptable for her to speak with you that way and then demonstrate and model respectful language. Get a grip on it now while she is still young.
All kids think their parents are mean sometimes. It's your job to set limits and to reinforce those limits when the kids push up against them. It's their job to test those limits which is why being a parent is so exhausting!

She is testing you mama!! What kind of TV shows is she watching. My youngest daughter was coming out with a few doozies and sayings and I found out when she was with my little sister who is only 12 she would watch shows that I personally did not feel were appropriate. Once we took care of that situation it slowly stopped. I have heard some of the Nick shows such as iCarly and Wizards of Waverly Place have some characters that can sound pretty disrespectful. Kids mimic what they see.

Just keep telling her what is right and wrong. She will eventually understand.

I like what Jaimee K. says about explaining clearly what is okay and not okay and then being consistent with the discipline. I would also add: make sure to praise her when she is being respectful and behaving well. I think balancing positive reinforcement with discipline for negative behavior is always a good idea. Oh, and try to have good "bonding" moments with her when she is behaving normally; try to play and have fun when she's good (but always make sure to immediately discipline her if she tries to be disrespectful again). Take advantage of her good moments so that you and your daughter don't feel like it's all discipline all the time. Good luck!

stick to your guns. i have a soon to be 5 year old who is testing limits, and i remain steadfast with the rule(s). consequences & rewards. she'll come around....i'm still waiting on mine to lol...but i just figure i (and hubby too) have to have a stronger will than him

Threaten to wash her mouth out with soap just once (and if you ever have to do it) I bet she thinks twice before she does it again.

First of all you are the parent it doesn't matter if she gets mad. She will be happy again. Be consistent. I use the steps. My kids don't act apporiately they sit on the steps. One min for ea yr. My youngest is 5yrs so she has to sit on the step for five min. Be consistent. Don't vive her that much power.

What have you tried? How long did you try? Is dad involved in the discipline?

I do like the mom who suggested you say, "What did you just say to me"?

Other than that I can only suggest that you monitor what kind of tv she's watching, who are friends and keeping in touch with her teacher. How do you and dad treat each other? How about your respective families, dad's side and yours? You just have to be consistent with talking, loving and discipline. Disrespect is not an acceptable behavior at any age.

Children at that age usually imitate the beahaviors they see at school, home, relatives, church etc.

Blessings...

I recommned the book 1-2-3 Magic -by Dr. Thomas Phelan.

I just started reading this book, Mom, I Hate You! Children's Provocative Communication: What It Means and What to do about It, by Don Fleming. Look into it and see if this answers some of your questions.