Knocked for a Loop

Thank goodness there is adoption for situations like this or for any adoption! My sister allowed me to adopt her first child, a very typical child. There are much worse things than adoption!!

I'm sorry, but I have Down's in my family and I don't harbor one bit of judgment about what they did, AT ALL. They knew they couldn't handle it. It is love for the child that made them decide to adopt the baby out. So many, especially back then, just stuck their retarded children in institutions and forgot about them. Even today, many just have the child aborted and then they never have to deal with it.

I wouldn't have to "process" it at all. 35 years ago was a long time and they are STILL the same people you have known all along. Instead of thinking "how could they have done it?", I would think how much they loved the baby to know that she or he needed to be in a different home. THAT is love. And THAT is how you should be looking at this.

Dawn

Why do you have to say anything. Do not bring the subject up and if it does
come up, all I would say is something like that must have been a difficult
decision and how hard it was etc. They did the right thing for them.

To be honest - I don't find what they did selfish at all. They knew they were not equipped - mentally and maybe even financially - to care for this child. There are families out there that, like yours, have Downs and understand the care, patience, financing, EVERYTHING that goes into raising a child with disabilities.

Step back. You said yourself - they were TOTALLY different then. So instead of judging them - just accept that they told you SOMETHING VERY PRIVATE and press on. It's not your place to judge. It's your place, as a friend to accept their decisions. If you can't - then you need to walk away from the friendship.

You need to accept that they are NOT you. They are NOT the same people they were 35 years ago. This was THEIR decision. NOT yours. Take a deep breath. Know that what they did, they did it for their child - not for them. Could you imagine the stress they would be under if they were NOT prepared to handle a disabled child? Probably not. Because for each person and family it is different.

You have experience with Downs. They obviously did not and that task of raising that child was too much. So they did RIGHT BY THE CHILD and gave him/her up for adoption. The people who adopted him/her did RIGHT by the child.

Did you know there's a *waiting list* for Down's children?
There are waiting lists for other special needs as well.

These are couples who usually already have a child with that disorder, or who have worked extensively with children with that disorder (healthcare, teachers, etc.) and love all of the quirks and foibles of it.

Heck. Myself? If two babies or kids were presented to me.. one perfectly healthy in every single way and the other ADHD? I'd choose the one with ADHD. Of course, as yet, we can't tell that as infants.

I LOVE ADHD kids. To me, they make sense. This is not how most adults feel about ADHD kids. Sometimes, even their own.

A baby born with downs (and then later a child, and an adult) is going to demand a very specific level of care.

TO ME... Your friends did the hardest and most caring thing possible: They looked at themselves with clear eyes found themselves unequal to the task. So instead of making their child suffer (or children, balancing a special needs child and a typical child is game changing)... the chose to give their baby their best shot. To go to a family who knows Downs, understands it, and can give their baby what they couldn't.

That's HUGE.

That shows a level of love that most people just don't have.

If the best place for my son was NOT with me... I quite frankly don't know if I could do that. I think I would be too selfish.

Your friends made an incredibly difficult choice, and I for one, applaud them.

I would hug them and say to them "I'm so sorry, that must have been the most difficult decision of your life."

How would it help to be judgmental 35 years later? Have you never made difficult decisions or maybe not done the "right" thing now and then? If not, then you're a very fortunate person. It isn't your place to judge these people for what happened in their lives so long ago. My heart hurts for them and yours should too.

You say nothing. You don't have any right to judge, and no matter what your friend has told you, you still have no clue what sort of circumstance or emotional state they were in when they put their child up for adoption. Why do most people put their children up for adoption? So that child can have a better life with a family that can make sure that it gets what it needs in all aspects of life.

Giving a child up is a selfless decision, but you seem to have forgotten that and have decided that what this couple did was selfish. Maybe they believed they couldn't appropriately parent a special needs child and chose to make sure that the child would have parents who could care for it appropriately. It's expensive to care for a special needs child and takes monumental effort physically, mentally, emotionally, time wise, and in so many ways I can't count. Not everyone is made to be a parent to a special needs child. Not everyone is able to grasp the moment. Some people abort those babies if they know ahead of time. Would you have rather this couple ended that baby's life so that they didn't give it up for adoption?

Not everyone is cut out for that special needs life. It's better that they did the loving thing when the baby was small and wouldn't know them, wouldn't have bonded with them, and given to a couple who was not only prepared to have a baby with special needs but would welcome a baby with special needs. I say this as a parent to a special needs daughter who I love more than anything, but it's not easy. That's an understatement I'll save for explaining on another day.

And while you may say YOU could never give up "one of your own children" there ARE people who can and do and thank God every day that they can and do. I would much rather an unwanted baby or a baby that's born to unprepared parents go to parents who are ready for it, even a special needs baby, be given up for adoption than stay and possibly grow up without everything it needs... possibly even grow up in a terrible situation because the family it lives with can't handle the special needs. Just because the parents "couldn't give away their own flesh and blood."

It seems to me they made things right when they adopted.

This question hits home. I went through something similar, but it didn't turn out that way. When we conceived my son, we did so with the intention of parenting whatever child we ended up with. Then, I got tests done. Through a series of unfortunate lab errors, we thought we were going to have a baby with down syndrome. So...we started researching, visiting DS parent groups, meeting children with all levels of DS, talking with nurses, experts, etc. It became very overwhelming very quickly. I have NEVER been good around children with special needs. I have no idea why. I don't know how to interact, I panic, I feel like my space is being invaded, and I can't communicate properly with them, that I feel very uncomfortable and threatened. (There are other reasons I don't do well, those are just some.) I had never been around someone with DS, and when I was...I couldn't handle it. I mean, I literally couldn't. We seriously considered adoption for who is now my son. (He is actually DS free.) We did not feel I could parent a child with DS. It was the most excruciating thing I have ever gone through, and I am crying as I type this. The idea, that I am not the right person to parent a baby that was growing inside of me...nearly ruined me. It was awful, it was the darkest time, and adoption was a light. I can tell you I can't even communicate with you, what my husband and I went through. Please, don't be judgmental. I have been there. It was terrible. I didn't think I would ever recover from the reality of that situation. You truly can't understand how devastating it is, unless you've been there. You haven't. You can't possibly know what she went through. You don't know her reasons. What she did is not selfish, or wrong. She didn't "let it go," she gave a child a chance. I felt like a DS child would not have a good life with me as a mother, and I was determined to find someone who give my baby the best life. There is NOTHING to judge there. It's the best thing. We found out, that my son did not in fact have DS. That is a whole other story. My heart hurts reading that you are judging. It feels cruel of you, to be honest...I've been there.

And I HATE when people think I wanted nothing to do with my child. I LOVED my child when I thought he had DS, and wanted it more then anything I've ever wanted. It's wrong to assume that. It's painful to hear people believe that. This whole post has upset me more then anything in years. People can be terribly mean. She doesn't owe you an explanation. Your would never understand it, anyway.

We have decided not to have any more children, because we could no way guarantee having a healthy baby. Anyone in my life who would have judged a decision of adoption, would have been someone I pushed out of my life. I could not associate with someone like that.

I agree with the Mamas that point out that 35 years ago this was a shameful thing. PL 94-142 was only passed in about 1975 which mandated that individuals with disabilities be educated in public school. So... if my math is correct these parents did this in 1977. This was a time when parents fought for their children's rights and as with any child there are the advocate, let's fight parents and the ones who accept society for what it is. Early intervention for individuals with disabilities (intervention for 5 and under) was not passed until 1995. ADA (Americans with Disabilities Act) which mandates all public buildings must be handicapped accessible was not passed until 1990.

My point is that acceptance and understand for individuals with special needs is still a very young, developing area. Still today there are those who aren't accepting about it. We are still taking the steps needed to ensure they are justly served.

Your friends were in an era without many of the aid we have today. Without IEPs and specialists etc. Without the thought process we have today. In my history classes we are encouraged to "think historically" and put ourselves in the time period. Things that are appalling were not so in a different time. Think historically with these people about the life and culture and education they had. Maybe it will help you understand.

Best of luck... keep an open mind. I'm sure they were doing the best with what they knew.

You say, "that must have been the most heart-wrenching decision of your lives, I'm sure it was for the best and you should never doubt yourselves".

Just because they gave a child up does not necessarily mean they did not love it, or did not hate having to do it. I am glad I never had to make that decision. Walk a mile in their shoes before you judge. I would just lend an ear, this is not something one would open up about to just anyone, consider yourself blessed that they love and trust you this much to let you into their world, perhaps they want to talk about this and do not know how to start? Perhaps ask via email if they would like to share more information since you have experience with Down's in your family and you are willing to listen if they would like to talk.

A lot of people in that time aborted their children because they had Downs. In fact, a lot of people STILL abort their child when they find out there is going to be a health defect. These folks carried the baby to term and maybe decided that they were not going to be good parents to a child that had special needs. That's okay. They let someone else, like your extended family, parent their child. Hopefully that child has been loved and nurtured.
I highly highly doubt they are going to ask you, "so, what do you think about us giving up our child with Down Syndrome?" So you probably don't have to say a thing about it.
L.

You should not judge. You don't know the circumstances. You don't know the child, you don't know what their frame of mind was. 35 years ago a down syndrome child was something to be hidden away. something to be ashamed of. It is not like that anymore. However 35 years ago they were much younger people. maybe they were just not able to care for a special needs child. maybe they were not sure they would be staying together, maybe the child was completely unexpected. Who knows why people do the things they do. But to judge makes you the one in the wrong not the parents who felt for whatever reason that the child would have a better life with different parents.

In some of our training classes for developmental disabilities and also in Death and Dying, a class taught at OSU, had video parts of the class that showed how some parents dealt with kids with downs. One family chose to let the child die, never taking it home from the hospital, they gave orders the child was not to be fed. She was a nurse and "knew" the child had little chance of living a "normal" life. The other couple kept their child but put them in an institution as soon as the place had room for a child.

My cousin has an adult child with a dd and she chose to keep her at home and not even send her to school. The child is somewhere close to 60 I think.

Years ago kids with Downs were thought to be hopelessly doomed to a life of heart surgery's, not able to learn at all, barely able to talk and never able to get out of diapers.

An older couple who had a child even 25 years ago would have been told that the child was basically a grouping of cells that would never amount to anything and should be let die or live out what amount of life they got to have in an institution. Some cultures even believe they are possessed and will not allow their children to speak to them, they are a taboo. How ignorant and just plain sad for that family that believes this.

Isn't that the saddest thing you have ever heard of? I was going to write my dissertation for my Masters on de-institutionalization. How the effects of this lifestyle tore any chance of a child having anything away. We now know these kids, above most all of the dd people, have the highest brain function and ability to learn. There are those that have multiple other disabilities too that limit them but as a general rule, Downs is basically a different way of processing their environment. They can go to school, they can add, subtract, divide, multiply, read, help others, graduate from high school, go to work and have a somewhat normal life.

They can even have children that are normal with out even learning disabilities. Downs kids are some of the most special people on the planet, they don't have a mean bone in their bodies.

What I'm hearing from you is that you think that because of this fact you don't truly know a person? I doubt these friends know of every life trial you've had. Something this deeply personal isn't necessarily shared. Also, if it was 35 years ago, unless they are 75 now the fact that the child had downs was probably only a factor in an extremely young couple's decision on if they could care for any child, and at their age showed the care an wisdom for the child to give him to someone more capable.

Unless their email said "we had a kid but didn't want one with downs syndrome, so we gave him up and decided to adopt our own" you have no room to judge. If their email DID say that, you still have no room to judge, but might want to withhold response until you can compose yourself, or limit your response to "I appreciate you trusting me with such a deeply personal story"

Well, technically, we don't "know" a lot of things about people we "think" we know. I mean, how many family and friends of serial killers say, "OMG, they were so nice! I NEVER would have thought THEY would have done anything like that!" You don't know what you would do if you were faced with the same situation. You may THINK you do, but you don't. My step dtr is moderately retarded. I've known her for over 4 years. When I met her dad and her, lets just say she was a "handful". I knew what I was getting into. However, some women would have ran for the hills and kept on running. Your friends knew back then that that baby was not something they could handle. And that's ok. They did the "responsible" thing and gave it to a loving family that was more than willing to take care of and love that child. Everyone likes to sit in judgement, but in all honesty, you maybe have made choices in your life that others would not agree with and frown upon you for doing. So do what you can to get past this feeling. No one is perfect and not everyone makes the same decisions that we would, it doesn't make them any better or worse than us. Good luck.

You know what, it seems sad, and it is, but at the same time, realize that the vast majority of babies who are diagnosed with Downs Syndrome in utero are aborted. Much better for their baby to be given up for adoption than massacred in the womb.

You don't know what their particular situation may have been at the time. Perhaps they were not financially stable & unprepared for a special needs child. Perhaps it was a heart-wrenching decision for them. But maybe they were just scared, or maybe selfish. You don't know, and there is not really a tactful way to find out, so as unsettling as it is to your perception of them and your natural curisoity, I would just offer a polite, sympathetic reply that assumes their best intentions.

A lot of families in that time frame, were counseled by professionals to give their children up for adoption, or to be raised in permanent healthcare facilities. It was very hard for them, but many did what their medical Dr's told them to do. I'm sure it was a decision they had an extremely hard time with, perhaps they have even looked back and have regretted it, though maybe not. Just try not to be judgmental, it was a different time back then. Really, don't say anything about it. I don't know why they decided to share this with you, or what their attitude is. They don't need your approval and they don't your need judgement. If they want to talk about it, you can simply answer things like, "oh, that must have been a difficult choice..."

At least the let the child live...ya know? Just let it go, as you said you are in no position to judge and have no real idea what their life was like then. You can't take it personal bc you have an extended family member with down's, you just can't bc it isn't your life. People we think highly of do let us down sometimes and then you just realize, hey, they are flawed people just like the rest of us and move on. I find out everyday that someone I know has had at least one abortion in the past. I do not support the legalized termination of pregnancy at all, but you know, what's done is done. When I find something like that out I think, what can I do to support my friend now. End of story, you know. Just forgive them, it hurts you to know this, so forgive and let go. One day we all need forgiveness so giving it freely is the best policy. Take care, sorry this was so hurtful to you.

Since you have it in your family, you should understand better. There are some people who are just not cut out to be the parents of special needs children. Special needs children need special parents, with a lot of patience and strength. These parents probably weighed their options, and made a decision about what they could handle, a decision that may have enabled their child to live in a loving family instead of as the resented interloper.

If you feel the need to respond (I'm not sure you do), you can say that this must have been a very difficult decision. The end.

Good luck.

35 years ago it was a different world. I don't think you should judge her for the decision. I'm sure with all the new technology and simpler ways to learn to live with a Down's child of this day and age weighs on her now and then, and she probably has her own reservations about her decision. 35 years ago they were still called mongoloids. Give your friend a break.

Tell the person that you understand it was a big thing to tell you and please give you the time to process this news because it stirs up a lot in your heart.

My aunt adopted several special needs children and at least two had "normal" siblings. One boy was simply abandoned at the hospital at birth. His parents saw him and didn't want him. I just...can't imagine. I've learned to try to be open minded, though. Give the person the chance to tell their story.

Did they adopt before or after they placed their child? I'm wondering because maybe adopting themselves was sort of like penance.

Perhaps they were not prepared at the time and feel more guilt and pain then you could ever know. If you care for this friend, just let her know and if she ever wants to talk, you will be there for her.

If this couple truly is a loving set of parents then understand that this must have been a difficult decision for them......just state that and I also like AV's response.
I am not sure what caused them to share this after such a long time but it shows that they haven't just forgotten and totally moved on with life.........I don't agree with the choice but understand that in the real world people sometimes make tough choices given their circumstances......
Is this better or worse than when in today's world one can decide to terminate the pregnancy if the first trimester scans show a possibility to the child having Down Syndrome - advance in technology I guess can be a blessing and a curse - we could argue about this until the cows come home.
Please know that you were not in their shoes.......how can giving up a child of their own and then having to adopt themselves be easy on any parent with a heart!

Maybe look at it this way - did they tell you along the lines of "oh yeah, we never told you we had a Downs baby we gave up? Phew. Glad we did that. What a pain that would have been. So are you up for dinner next week?" If not, maybe they've been a bit haunted all these years. It's hard for you to imagine letting your own child go but 35 years ago, they had a different set of criteria and maybe ever since then it's hurt their hearts too. I like how someone suggested "that must have been a hard decision" and let it go at that. Perhaps they'll talk about it with you and maybe they'll break down crying and that will change your view. And they did adopt another child which was maybe their way of trying to make things right.

S., I commend you for being honest about what is really in your heart. Perhaps it will help for you to remember that they still ARE the people that you thought you knew, this news doesn't change that. It may change you, if you let it, but they are still the same.
Also, they are STILL the loving set of parents that you knew them to be.

I hope you can work this out in your heart before you have to respond in any way, out of respect and consideration for your friends. I loved Robin M.'s advice on how to respond. These are your friends who entrusted you with a part of their lives and you have a great opportunity to love on them.

I'm wondering whybthey revealed this now after all these years...maybe they feel guilt, regret....who knows.
I don't think you are "judging" them...you're shocked and surprised and puzzled.
If you've gotta respond to the email, maybe say something like "that must have been an incredibly hard, painful decision to make. I'm sure this child found a truly loving home...it was a decision made with love when it needed to be made."

Hi S.,

What a hard position to be in! I am so sorry you are dealing with this. I would not respond until you feel comfortable and ready to. Just because they made this decision that you don't agree with, doesn't mean you owe them any support or a conversation about this. It is completely up to you on what level you are involved in this. Your feelings are your feelings and no matter if you feel judgemental or not, thats how you feel. You can choose to share that with them or not--its your decision. I would start by writing a letter to them to tell them exactly how you feel about it. You don't send it, but its purely for your own healing in this. Then when your feelings are diffused, you can decide how and what to say. You can still love and support them with out supporting or respecting what they did. Best wishes!

M

Wow. I don't know what else to say. I would have a hard time looking them in the eye.

S., very difficult post, my only hope is that the little angel is with a couple that love her/him, probably better then a parents that no matter status, just don't want nothing to do with the baby.
I don't know how I would answer to my friends either.
=*(

However sad this situation is, it is not really your opinion that matters. What's done is done. I do not agree with it 1%, giving up a child just because they are mentally challanged. It was her decision, she knew what she could handle, and hopefully the child is now in a loving home. I don't think it should compromise your friendship. However, if it is something you just can't get passed then maybe you should take a break from your friend and think about if you want to be friends anymore.