My oldest son started kindergarten this year and sometimes has a really hard time with separating in the morning.
To give a brief history, he went to a Toddler school when he was 2 just twice a week for a few hours, when I often stayed with him for the first 30 minutes to hour or so of the class in the beginning (being his first separation experience and only being 2), then tapered it off to about the first 10 - 15 minutes of the class throughout the year. He didn’t like separating then, but I knew it was an important process to start. He would get upset when I left, but be just fine after I was gone. The following year when he was 3, he went to a preschool and was there for 2 years. At the preschool, he also had a difficult time separating in the morning, especially in the beginning of the year, but once he got more comfortable, I could drop him off and he was almost always just fine (except for maybe 1 or 2 occasions). He would still talk about not wanting to go to school sometimes - preferring to stay home with me, but I knew the independence skills were important for him to learn, so we would talk about how fun and important school was, and he always went, had a good time and was happy he went when I picked him up.
This year with kindergarten, he started off the school year very excited about being a big kindergartner and about being independent and taking the bus to school. (He’s loves being independent about most things.) He loves anything on wheels too, which made the bus experience extra exciting. The first week or so went well, but then he started not wanting to go to school again because he wanted to stay home with me and his little brother. It started just on Monday's (being after a weekend where he got comfortable being with family again and after the thrill of being a big kindergartner wore off), when he started refusing to get on the bus when the bus came up to the bus stop. He would be fine getting ready for school (as cooperative as a 5 year old can be anyway) ;o), and walking to the bus stop, but as soon as the bus would come and all the kids would line up, he would start to get upset and not want to go. When I would try to encourage him to get on the bus, he would run away from me and start getting really upset. So the bus would leave without him (after waiting a few minutes) and I had to take him to school. It was definitely difficult because I didn’t want to make him go when he was so upset, but obviously I couldn't let him "win" (for lack of a better word) the situation, or it would doom me forever to repeat it. When we got to his school, he again freaked out and his teacher had to literally peel him off of me as I walked away. Not a fun way to start my day to say the least. The rest of the week he was just fine though, so I figured it was just a bad day. Then the following Monday, we went through the same routine, which has been consistent every Monday since, except for last week when it happened on Monday and Thursday. (He does half day (AM) kindergarten, so he doesn't have school on Friday's.)
Anticipating the typical Monday morning, his father and I had been talking to him a bit yesterday and again last night before bed to try to prepare for him to be ok with getting on the bus this morning, and he agreed that he would get on the bus; but come this morning, we went through the same routine both at the bus stop and then again at his school.
To mention, whenever he gets off of the bus in the afternoon, he’s very happy and calm and always says he had a fun day at school. I also don't think this issue has anything to do with riding the school bus (and I’ve never heard about him having an issue getting on the bus to come home). I know it's the separation portion of it that he’s struggling with. His teacher also tells me that this is typical with some kids, and as soon as I leave, he's calm and is just fine. (Just as his preschool teacher used to tell me when it happened there in the beginning of the year.) I've talked to the Vice Principal at the school a little and she also just tells me that this is normal for some kids and encourages me to continue doing what I'm doing.
He gets plenty of sleep at night, so I know that's not a factor, and gets a good breakfast in the morning, etc. And as I mentioned before, some days he’s really just fine and gets right on the bus with no problems. As I also mentioned above, his father and I have both tried talking to him extensively about going to school and how much fun he has, and how big he's getting, etc. We’ve also talked about understanding that going to a new school and making new friends can be hard at first, but that it will get better and easier – he just has to keep trying, etc., etc. He’s always calm and agrees with us when we talk about it, but then it will still happen all over again. As much as I don't agree with the approach, we've even tried taking things away from him when he doesn't get on the bus, just to try something different, and it makes absolutely no difference what-so-ever. He even has a buddy on the bus, which helps some days, but not others.
We’ve also tried to have his dad come with us to take him to the bus stop a few mornings, but they've not been on days when he's had issues. (I don't think there's a correlation there though.) He has an early meeting every Monday morning though, and he can't stay home that late every morning waiting for the situation to arise again, and definitely can't stay home late enough to take him to school on the days that he doesn't get on the bus, so I need to figure this out for me. (And I honestly don't think that would change or help the situation at all - just transfer the problem to my husband.)
I know he just needs to start being comfortable at school, but I can't keep having these mornings of having him being peeled off of me crying and upset, while I'm trying to quickly round up his two year old brother and walk away. (Just to mention, I'm also 7 months pregnant.) I know I need to be strong in front of him to show that I'm not giving into him, but it definitely affects my emotional mood and my 2 year old for a good portion of the morning. I know it has to happen and I try to not show that it's affecting me to my 2 year old too, but it's still a hard thing to shake. My 2 year old also is definitely affected by watching the ordeal and gets really upset as well, so he often has a breakdown after we leave the school.
At this point, it seems to be getting worse rather than better. I just don't know what to do. I don't think taking him out of school is the right move AT ALL. I truly don't think that even if I waited another year to put him in kindergarten, that it would make any difference. This is a personal thing for him and his personality that has always been there. I know it’s just a hard hump for him to get over – I just don’t know what the best approach is for dealing with it in the meantime.
To mention, my parenting style with him has always been respectful of his feelings, which I think is very important, but I always stand my ground when necessary and am always consistent. In other words, I don't just have my rules and turn my feelings off to my children to make sure they follow them, but I'm not just a super softy either.
I'm just hoping to get some sort of advice from someone out there who might have experienced this as well, or maybe was a kindergarten teacher or something?
I have to believe that it's going to get better, but I'm nervous about it continuing, especially after I have my third child in November.
I think I know what you can do. Instead of focusing on the bus, focus on the school and all he gets to do there. Ask him all weekend, "What do you think your class will do next week?" and when he tells you, say, "Oh, I don't get to do stuff like that at home with your brother. Darn. It's boring here. I wish I could go to kindergarten."
In other words, make home sound LAME. If you're going to the grocery store while he's gone, don't tell him. As far as he knows, you're just going to do ultra boring stuff while he's gone, and save all the fun stuff for when he's back.
I can't say this will immediately solve the problem, but I've done it with my son since he was in preschool, and he's in all-day kindergarten this year. He's come home a few times pretty tired (it is all day, after all), but when he asks what I did that day, I say "boring stuff, like grading papers" (which is true, since I teach some college classes now and also teach online). It sounds really boring to him, so he doesn't feel bad about missing out.
See if that works. The new baby might throw a bit of a wrench in the whole thing, b/c he'll want to play with the baby, but I'd keep the boring act up and make sure you respond to everything he does at school like it's the best thing ever. My son told me last week, "We went to recess THREE times!" and I responded, "Oh, man (like Swiper the Fox), I didn't get to go to recess even once!" I know it sounds mean, but if he things YOU are missing out, he will be more likely to enjoy himself.
Good luck with this! I know it's hard, but it will get better. Keep in touch with the teacher about this, too, to see what she suggests.
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J.C.
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W.- I'm a Mom of 3 adult children, grandmom of 3 ( 4, 9 and 10) and a special ed preschool teacher of 40 years - I sent 100s of children from my environment to Kindergarden- and many of them had exactly the behviour you describe--- it's VERY commen-- and occurs in any kind of family--- it is exactly what you describe-- you own big boys' individual personality. The STRONGEST suggestion I have is don't even consider pulling him out of K-- he is ready- ( that's why he has a good time) -- he just is not sure he is ready to be ready. He loved being your little guy - and now not only is brother gaining on him every day- but there will be a new baby- so even less of Mommys' precious time--. I promise-- he needs you to show him with your body language that you KNOW he can do this- by leaving him at school as calmly as possible. Any chance there is a neighbor or friend who could drive him when the doctor doesn't want you to drive??? --- Is there someone who will be staying with you- or will your husband be home for a week or two when bby is brand new?? -- Try to set up as many OTHER ways for him to get to school--- rather than taking him yourself. My strong suspicion is he won't act up the same for others as he does for you. Blessings dear heart- you are a great Mom- this WILL work out-- I just don't guarantee exactly which moment.
J. - aka- Old Mom
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Z.A.
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It sounds like you're doing absolutely fantastic :)
It might not get better for awhile, in fact it may well get worse after your newest is born, but it WILL one day be the 'hand to the forehead, rueful laugh, warm memory of how much they used to need us and how we helped them through the hard places'...sometimes with more grace than we realized we were capable of, & sometimes with the "was I actually legally sane during that period?" flush.
It might not get better for awhile, but your instinct is right, it WILL get better.
And yes. Totally common/norma...not that that makes it easier.l
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L.U.
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Hi W., I am a mom of two boys (ages 7 and 4) and my 7 year old is in frist grade. While I have not had to the extremes that you are with your son, my son has definitely shed a few tears about going to school.
First off, he loves going, has a great time when he is there, and has made a lot of friends (so far!). But, there have been a few morning where, whoosh, he jsut was not excited to the point of crying. Why????
Because he thinks, and to a certain extent he's right, that we are having all kinds of fabulous fun when he is not here. (I should mention I also nanny a little girl, 3, full time) I do take the kids to the zoo, jump planet, the mall, bike riding....and he knows that!
I try and take special time out when he is home to spend just with him or to play a game just with him. I never lie about my day and what I have done with the other two kids, but I am always very interested in what he has done as well.
I don't really have any suggestions really, but it does get better!
L.
