Kindergarten Social Skills

I am going to absolutely agree with Nervy Girl. My son is a late birthday so will be one of the older kids in the classroom next year when he starts kindergarten. He is also tall for his age (we are often asked if he is a first grader or why he doesn't go to school). My son can be a big bully to his older sister but tends to let others take over when playing. And he can be very whiny so I do wonder what issues we will face when he starts school.

As a former preschool teacher and parent, I tend to stand with the "believe half of what you hear" sort of thing. Meaning, that you are doing exactly the right thing-- listening, believing,and also wondering what your son's role is in this situation.

Good for you.

I'd make an appointment to talk to the teacher (conversations are best when teachers aren't greeting the other families or 'on the fly', so both parties can concentrate) and ask what she's seeing. I'd also ask if your son could be moved in the classroom /floor time to see if the dynamic changes. You'll know if your son moves and starts having the same problem near a different group of children that maybe there's something in his interactions contributing to the situation. Or the teacher may notice that other child picking on the person who took his space. As a classroom volunteer during my son's time at public school, there were some kids who would always find others to pick on. I know one child who used to torment those around her by getting in their face and annoying them until they would yell at her or push her away, and there were a few really nice boys who she would target regularly. Fortunately, the teacher was on to her at a certain point, but she'd just be flat out mean.

On the other hand, my own child had his own challenges with not respecting personal space. This did cause conflict, including being hit, and we had to work with him on respecting that 'personal bubble'. I found social stories to augment this and will still, sometimes, say "personal space please" when things feel too close for me. I'm an adult and have mastered 'using my words', as they say, but young children do not have that finesse and will often get angry, hit, push, etc because their space isn't respected. So, great that you are keeping an open mind.

Again, schedule a phone conference with her, or some time to meet before/after school and make sure to know-- while these things feel 'big' to us parents, they are likely small potatoes to the teachers who have seen it all before, over and over. One of the boys who really rejected my son when he couldn't regulate his 'space'--- now they are buddies. Your son will learn a lot of things about others in kindergarten! So, schedule the call and remember, too, not to make a Big Deal out of this for your kiddo. Don't question him or ask him "how was so and so treating you today?"... if it's important, he'll tell you, as he has already done. You don't want to encourage him to focus on that... instead, also, you can ask him "so, what could you do if that happens again?" and focus on reasonable options. Good luck!

I think I would talk to his teacher about this. Just let her (or him) know what your son has said and that you just want her (or him) to be aware. He's so young, and his ability to understand what is happening around him is very limited. He's being honest with you about how he feels, and he's struggling with how to deal with it. Totally normal!

Teachers can help a lot by giving a little encouragement when he needs it. keeping an eye out when he's with certain other kids. I'm not saying anyone is a trouble maker or a bad kid, just that all of them are learning and might need a little extra supervision from time to time.

Letting the teacher know what your son has told you can only help. I've had some wonderful conversations with my son's teachers about things like this. i always approach it by letting the teacher know what my son's perception is and what I suspect is really going on and just ask the teacher to be aware.

Honestly, the teacher is usually already aware and on top of it, but then I just thank them for their attention and let them know I appreciate that they are looking out for my kid!

Rather than wonder, I'd just ask to have a minute with the teacher and the leader and just see where things are at. I'd keep it light, just ask if they've noticed any problems lately. Your child is a bit hesitant to go to school.

My guess from my experience is that if your son is involved with the more boisterous child, and the teacher has to settle them down, she's not going to say "It's child A's fault" - she'll just tell them both to settle down. So your child may be sensitive and feel he's being blamed or chastised too for it.

As for the 'jerk' comment - it's totally possible the boy called him a jerk. A little girl told one of my kids that her show and tell was weird in kindergarten. My kid just said "no it's not" and let it go. Remember, this happens all day long between kids in the class - and the teacher (or leader of care programs) just will say "Now now, behave" kind of thing.

Your son may feel they don't care.

That's my best guess.

You sound very level-headed, and I think that you have a very objective outlook on what's going on. I appreciate that you're willing to evaluate all sides.

First, I think that perhaps you could help your son distinguish between incidents that warrant reporting to the teacher and incidents that don't. For example, going to the teacher if someone calls you a jerk will pretty much label you as a wimp, a tattle-tale and someone who's easy to pick on and rattle. Help your son, through role-playing, figure out what to do if someone calls him a name (the best way is to give a little smile and show no fear or despair - like it's a small annoyance). Then help him figure out how to tell a teacher about the important stuff. It's possible that he is reporting every little action to the teacher, to the point where he's the "boy who cried wolf" and is therefore ignored.

And maybe you could ask the teachers how often he reports classmates' activities. Maybe that's where the problem lies. Maybe the teacher recognizes the behaviors as normal and is devoting her time to more serious things. Maybe your son is perceiving the other boy making silly faces or rude faces as "pretending to kiss him". But if this boy actually physically touches your son, that's a more serious issue. The "not believing" thing could be the teacher demonstrating how to brush off the simple annoyances that we will all face.

When my daughter was in elementary school, she was really sensitive to any problems. She came home in tears one day and told me that she had gotten in really bad trouble and that the teacher had punished her. I was surprised that I didn't hear anything official from the teacher, so I made an appointment, because my daughter had indicated that the punishment was awful. It turns out that the entire class had misbehaved in some way, and they had all lost 5 minutes of play time or recess time. My daughter completely neglected to tell me that she was not singled out, it was a group thing, and it was simply 5 less minutes of free time. I thought, from the way she was acting, that she had been waterboarded or something!

I might be misreading but - it sounds like your son is a tattletale at school. Why did he bother telling the teacher that the girl called him a jerk? Why did he bother trying to tell the teacher "it was all his fault" when he and the other boy BOTH got in trouble?

Maybe his constant finger-pointing is causing him social problems? (And maybe the teacher thinks of him as someone who "cries wolf", which is why she doesn't always believe him?)

ETA: I love your SWH!! Sorry to hear about the kissing thing though...sounds like either an unusual way of being friendly or a sneaky way of trying to goad your son into punching him! Good luck with all of it.

The reality is that teachers are not going to see every single thing that happens in the hallway or at recess. It's fine to talk to the teacher, but in addition to that conversation, which others gave good advice on, your child needs to learn to stand up for himself. Looking someone in the eye and saying, with self confidence "Cut it out" and then walking away if necessary will take your child farther than getting a reputation as a tattletale.

I did a lot of role-playing with my child when he was ages 4-5 because he was the favorite target of a particular kid (I'm not going to say bully, because I don't believe that kids in preschool even know what that means). I taught him how to respond appropriately to kids who say and do things he doesn't like - by looking them in the eye and saying "stop that, I don't like it". Or "stop that, it's not nice". The role playing is important, because learning to look the other kid in the eye and respond with self confidence is probably more important than the actual words he uses. I also talked to him about the importance of physical distance - playing in a different group of kids, etc, from someone you know is a troublemaker.

If there is physical aspect to it - pushing, hitting, etc - that's different. Then he absolutely needs to go to a teacher immediately.

Your son is five. He's actually doing a really good job. Five year olds don't always communicate things this well. Consider yourself very lucky.

You need to schedule a meeting with the teacher. It's important that you do this. This needs to be talked through with her, just like you have with us.

There are plenty of kids who know JUST the moment to do stuff they have no business doing, when the teacher or another adult isn't looking. And then they act awful to another child. The teacher needs to watch the kid closely and come down pretty hard on him. Your son needs to be heard.

Mine was a second grader when he was having trouble. The teacher was all about "no tattletales" and took that a little too far. My son was being physically assaulted by these boys and the teacher wasn't listening, at all. So I came into the classroom after school on the pretense of helping my son clean out his desk. Then I told the teacher that my son wanted to talk to him. I sat there and watched my son have this conversation with him, in front of me. The teacher actually had to listen. It was a good thing, too. These kids had been doing it to other kids and the teacher thought it was handled, and it wasn't. He apologized to my son and told him exactly what to do and that it was okay to come tell him.

My son desperately needed to be heard. It might not be that way with your son, but it's worth a try. You could be the "facilitator" between him and the teacher, rather than just doing all the talking.

I'm just going to put what I would do. Regardless of anything, this is what "I" would do.

I would take time and go in to visit with the teacher. Let her know that your child is learning new words, jerk for instance, and that they are suffering from things this other child is doing.

I would also let the teacher know that I'm done with this. That I expect the teacher of any classroom to listen to their students and to let them know they were "heard" and that the teacher will pay more attention.

Kids who aren't "heard" tend to stop telling authority figures when they're feeling threatened or at risk because they learn they aren't worth that person's time. They don't matter.

So when there comes a time that they are in real distress they just give up and don't fight back. This is when a lot of kids commit suicide from bullying. They've been taught by others that they don't matter and that their story has no meaning.

Start now. Be his advocate. Make sure he knows you "heard" him and that YOU are taking actions to stand up for him and help him. So he will know that he matters.

This teacher also needs to have a chance to tell her side of the story. SO that you can have a better picture of how she sees her classroom and if she's observant or likes one student over another.

If there is an aide in the classroom try to find out if they supervise free time and if they can help your child stay away from this other child more.