Kindergarten Out of School Birthday Parties with Kids Whose Parents I Don't Know

Wow! With 5 kids, you've got a lot of this kind of stuff to look forward to, don't you?? :-)LOL

I think what you did was fine. When my oldest son was little, his playmates were on the same street or his best friends were on his sports teams so we knew the parents and just arranged for "playdates" in person after games and things like that. When my daughter, now 9, first started Kindergarten, you could have knocked me over with a feather when her classmate's mom called me up to arrange a play date at their house one day. I felt ridiculous because I had no idea how to respond. I mean, in my head I was thinking "Is there an assumption that I go too?", "Who are these people?", "If they invite her over, do I have to invite them over too?", etc. Fortunately the other girl's mom was a pro at all that and pretty much walked me through it. She said I was invited to come as well so we could meet and chat while the girls played. She told me she always invites the parent the first time as that's what she would expect if someone called to arrange a playdate with her daughter.

With birthdays, we always wait for the official invite 'cause kids tend to have ideas in their head about what's going on and it's rarely what is really the plan. In your case, however, I don't think what you did was bad. The only "bad" thing would be if the other parent was not planning on inviting your son and then feels obligated to because of your note. As a parent, I personally would not feel that way and would politely call or send a note back stating that my daughter was mistaken about her birthday party plans and I would apologize for the misunderstanding.

That said, be prepared for some highly uncomfortable moments, even when parents are the people doing the inviting. I was at my daughter's girl scout meeting and one of her friend's moms came up to me and told me about her daughter's birthday slumber party and that my daughter was invited. A couple weeks later, my daughter came home crying saying that the other girl told her she was not invited because the mom said that when they get together, my daughter is too hyper. I personally didn't mind that my daughter was no longer invited because the other girl is NOT the best of influences, but I know it broke my daughter's heart, and the fact that the mom didn't even call to explain to me about the situation...well, let's just say that we don't have any dealings with her or her daughter anymore if we can help it.

Anyway, I digress. My point is that when dealing with other parents regarding parties and playdates, you just never know if you're going to experience someone very nice and helpful like the first mom who invited my daughter over for a playdate with her daughter, or if you're going to have dealings with other parents who aren't quite up to par on proper social etiquette.

I say just do what YOU think is right and you'll learn your lessons along the way. You've got 5 kids to work with so by the time your 8 week old is in Kindergarten, you'll probably be able to write a book about kids, their parents, and every social situation imaginable! :-D

Good luck!

I think you are worrying about something that you don't need to be concerned about. I would tell you son that it is great that he has a new friend but that we only go to parties that we receive invitations to.

He can talk and pretend all he wants. As for inviting someone else over... at this age, I would also do that with a note to the parent with a phone number so that the 2 of you can talk before the actual play date.

Good Luck!
E.

I agree Ericka and would like to add also,
when I invite/invited children to my son's parties, I expected/assumed (not meaning this mean) that parents would be there and planned accordingly.
For those that need an exact count, they simply ask for a total attending. If you are worried about that, you can simply call/email and ask when you rsvp for one and they won't mind one bit that you called about the party.
Some parents come and some don't. I think at that age, they all came.

the thing you will find out soon enough though...you will probably gets lots of invitations. Usually they give to the whole class even when they may not be close friends and you'll have to pick and choose which you want to go to because there may be so many. If I remember correctly, when they get a bit older, they start giving to just their close friends.

As to playing...meeting at a park, mickey d's or peter pipers pizza or such, would probably be better unless you have met the parents at a school function (or a birthday party! :o)) and are comfortable with them already.

My kiddos come home all the time with such requests, "mom, can I go to such and such's birthday party?" my response is always without fail, "if we get an invitation to a party, then we will go, otherwise, no you may not go" I must have an invite, a real one, not one scribbled by another child, filled out by a parent in order to make plans like that. It's really a great opportunity to meet the parents of the children your child goes to school with also, to see how things are where these children live, and to see what kind of kids your child is playing with everyday. I've been to so many birthday parties with my 6 kids, and its always great to meet the parents of the other kids, at least the first party they attend, then I know weather or not I want them to attend the next party for that particular child alone or weather I will accompany them. As far as inviting other kids over to play, I would get a phone number, and call the other parent and dicuss it with them.

It seems you're getting worked up a bit. Just wait for an invitation.

OK, first of all, you have your hands full!! I think I am overwhelmed with my 4 under 8, but you have me beat hands down!! Now, about the friends at school. You let your son know that we will discuss parties when he receives a paper invitaion. Show him what invitations look like,and tell him that you are thrilled he has made a new friend, but mommies have to talk to each other before any playtime outside of school can be arranged. Ask him everyday to share his adventures with you, and always ask specifically what he did with this girl. Ask him what he thinks they might do tomorrow? I never really got too into playdates in kindergarten, but I did go to the school as often as I could, and tried to meet parents at class parties etc. That way, we could chat then, and decide if we wanted to set something up. Kids just dont understand boundaries yet, and what is appropriate. I also tend to be the inviter, as I am still not good at sending my children to other peoples homes. Even if I have met them, it does not mean I KNOW them. Maybe arrange things like meeting at a park, or at McDonalds..if you really care to!! Otherwise, dont really worry about it, they get all the socializing they need at school! You are doing fine!! Hang in there! ~A.~

You've already gotten great advice. I would just add that most moms are in this same position! Some may feel more comfortable with the social grey areas, but in most cases, the parents of kids in school together don't know each other beforehand. Birthday parties are a great way to get to know some of them better. You are probably not as inept as you think...even if you are, :), most moms are gracious and accepting of anyone in the same boat as them - meaning, with young kids at home and in school.

Most situations can be guided by common sense. If your son wants to invite someone over to play, you can ask him for more information about the child; go to class and scope it out for yourself (discreetly); talk to the teacher; or just jump right in and call the mom and invite the child over! At this age, it is also a good idea to encourage the mom to stay and play, too. You could arrange it as a one hour play date, and offer the mom coffee and cookies or anything easy, and just chat with her while the kids play. Since you have 4 other children, you'll also have lots of interruptions during that time, so it will take the pressure off you by not having to be too focused on the other mom.

Five kids - you lucky girl! I love seeing larger families. God bless you as you raise your babies and begin to navigate the bigger world of kindergarten, etc! Just keep remembering we're all in this together, and you will find kind hearted and likeminded moms at some point.