Kindergarten Bully

I would request a Principal and Teacher conference - TOGETHER... since talking to the Teacher alone did NOTHING.

Take these concerns to the guidance counselor if the teacher will not listen. They generally take these types of issues very seriously. I am so sorry she going through this. It's heartbreaking I know.

Your daughter is embarrassed and doesn't want to go back, I understand that but you need to be explaining to her that it only feels like the end of the world. Kids have the attention span of a gnat, they don't even remember it anymore.

What you are doing is making a far bigger deal out of this than it is and it is your reaction that is keeping her from school.

Your daughter had an accident, I think it is pretty universal that even the nicest kid in kindergarten is going to laugh about it, talk about it. Calling this bullying when it is not is making it worse.

Okay I have had the worst week ever so it could be me not understanding the time line but yesterday was Tuesday, wasn't it? So she went home at lunch after having the accident? Probably not important but I was wondering.

Poor baby...she is embarrassed!

I might try having another conversation with the teacher since it has gotten to the point that your daughter doesn't want to go back to school ever again, the teacher might be a little bit more caring and understanding to her situation this go around?

~This is a perfect learning situation Mom. Sometimes life is hard and it is never fair. People are mean. You need to learn to rise above it. I bet anything that the kids, being so young, have moved on to something else to laugh at. Reassure your daughter that soon it will be forgotten and that LOTS of kids her age have accidents in school! A little reminder that she herself shouldn't laugh at others when the time comes that someone else has an accident is always a good idea too...great teaching moment for compassion!

Step in. Yes, your daughter needs to learn to deal with mean people, but in kidergarten she needs help to learn this skill. Speak to the teacher again. This time I would try to be in person, and say something like "x, y, and z, happened and my daughter is really upset about it. we have told her to do x, y, and z. but given the situation she is needing some support. can you think of anything else that I might try at home? and what do you plan on doing here at school so I can reinforce that at home and maybe check in with her about how it went?". This lets the teacher know that you are doing things at home, acknowledging her expertise, and assuming (not asking) that she is going to do something at school.

As for your daughter, poor baby! Maybe work with her on some things to say to get kids off of the topic. If someone says something, have her say "why are you still talking about this" "that was a bad day, I wish you would stop talking about it" etc. Offer lots of comebacks for her and most of all- practice them with her. Role play so she's comfortable saying them. And acknowledge her feelings. She needs to hear that this was a crappy situation. And that she might be nervous about going to school today, tomorrow, maybe the next day is better, and next week will be great. Help her see the bigger picture.

And keep an eye on the little bugger that is 'that girl'. We dealt with one of those, and she just got meaner every year. (not that they all do that, but ours was truly the mean girl).

Good luck to you and your little sweetheart.

There will always be "that kid," unfortunately. If not this kid, some other kid. It will never, ever happen that your daughter will be in school and have all the kids get along perfectly, with nobody being mean to anybody else. My oldest is in 4th grade, and by that age, the mean girls have multiplied! You need to help your daughter form a coping strategy, because this will be useful to her throughout her life when dealing with mean girls.

In our family, I decided to give my older daughter something else to be good at (outside of school) because I felt like that would give her the confidence of knowing that her little circle at school wasn't the end-all and be-all in life. So I signed her up for ballet. (Maybe for your DD, it could be soccer, or softball, or girl scouts?) My daughter loves dance and is good at it, and has a whole circle of friends in ballet now - so when the "mean girls" in her class have a particularly snippy day, my daughter is able to put it in perspective, and the snotty attitudes don't bother her at all. AND because she doesn't care whatsoever, the mean girls seem to have no interest in picking on her. AND because she doesn't care whatsoever, she's quite popular (funny how that works sometimes).

My younger daughter was born immune to mean girls, I don't know how or why. Her teacher told me that she witnessed an interaction between a known "mean girl" a grade older than my DD, and my DD. I guess the girl made some snotty comment trying to get a rise out of my kiddo, and DD stood there, face completely impassive, and arched an eyebrow at the mean girl. NO reaction other than that (I wish I could do that!). Anyway, the mean girl got kind of flustered and ran off. I asked DD about it at home, and she said, "I don't know why that girl thought I would care what she had to say." HA! So that's another strategy!

Good luck, mama! I think your instinct not to get involved at school is probably a good one. Let your daughter manage this on her own. She will be more confident if you can give her the skills to do so.

Dear M.,

So sorry your little girl is having to deal with this. It is sad to see our little ones hurt by other children like this. And if there is anything we adults should have learned by now is that we all have to work to stop bullying in all of its forms to the extent humanly possible.

In order for it to stop, one of the first steps is to alert the adults in charge (i.e., teachers) so they can intervene. Nowadays, every school district has anti-bullying policies in place, and most start teaching the kids about bullying and learning to protect themselves as early as kindergarten.

I would talk with the teacher again. This time, you have a very specific example of what happened and what the outcome was. Give the outline briefly: Accident followed by being taunted and teased by numerous others in: Next day, in same situation, daughter feels "sick," has to go to the nurse, gets picked up by dad: Next day, "feels sick" again and doesn't want to go to school. You know she is not physically sick, but she IS "sick" with fear of being made fun of and picked on.

When you talk to the teacher, don't zero in on "that" girl only. While she appears to have started it, from your post, many others joined in, and that's how this usually goes. If you ONLY focus on "that" girl, the larger point of how bullying spreads, may get missed. Worse, the teacher may decide that you have something against this other girl and just dismiss or downplay your concerns.

At the same time, addressing it with the teacher/school is only one part of the solution. While the teacher (or school administration, if the teacher isn't hearing you) should definitely be made aware of what happened, you now have to help your daughter develop some skills to deal with this. By
letting her "opt" out of going to school, you are actually reinforcing her fear of going to school. Of course she feels safer home with dad or you, and it is quite natural for you to want to protect her. But, the reality is, she can't stay home from school forever, and even though she is only in kindergarten, there are still age-appropriate steps you can take to help her learn to deal with these situations and increase her confidence that she can.

Again, check with your school's counselor for tips. There are also tons of good websites (google "prevent your child from bullying") that offer age-appropriate skills and behaviors that you can use to teach your child.

While there are some who might say not to make a "big deal" out of this and not be a "helicopter parent," I would disagree in this case. This is not just a "Suzy wouldn't let me play with them today" issue. This has impacted your daughter in a negative way to the point she's afraid to go back to school, so the sooner you address it, the better she'll be able to recover from this and learn how to deal with the situation.

It is sad that this happens so soon in life, but the sooner we ALL learn to stop bullying in its tracks and to empower our children, the more confident they will feel, and the less likely they will be to be the continued targets of bullying.

Best wishes for you and your daughter.

J. F.

How old is your daughter?Tell her that probably everybody has already forgotten about what happened and to stay away from that girl since she's not a friend. Explain that friends care for each other but there are also mean people around who don't have anything better to do than talking about others. Tell her that nobody really wants to be friends with THEM and that girl is probably very lonely and needs other people's stories to get attention.
Tell her that accidents happen to everybody and that she can choose to stick with girls who are nice to her and to avoid bad people by not even responding to them. A bad as it sounds, teach her to ignore who wants to cause her pain and to focus elsewhere. I hope it helps.

I would bring it up to the teacher again and to the guidance counselor.
Yes, this can be a life lesson for her but at the same time, she is humiliated.

I sub a LOT for 1st grade and in all honestly, the teachers don't always notice every little thing. Just a couple weeks ago, I was subbing for a teacher so she could do testing. I noticed in the several times I had been in the classroom since resuming 2nd semester, there was a new girl, much bigger than most of the other children in the class. Then, i started having boys cry and I began observing and this new girl was a manipulating little con girl and when someone would tell on her, she was oh so sweet, "I'm new here, BLAH".

When the regular teacher came back in after school, she mentioned to me... BTW, have you noticed any behavor by J towards anyone in the class that appears to be bullying? I said GEES, yes. She was floored. i told her the 2 boys who were crying and it turns our the 2 boys' moms had emailed the teacher regarding this J and the teacher had never witnessed anything. believe me, now it is addressed and little miss J goes to the guidance counselor for extra time to talk about her behavior.

Of course your daughter needs to be assertive and stand up for herself and she also needs to know you are on her side.

in this day and age, teachers have alot to deal with already. id by pass her only because you have already spoken to her and instead contact the guidance department in your school. Most schools are on board now with this anti bullying stuff and have peer groups for children getting harrassed (im sure ur daughter isnt the only one but to your daughter she feels like she is the only one) and in groups she will see her peers have the same fears. id also contact the principal and say "i have already brought this to the attention once and I know how usy the teacher is...."
And I am not even joking about this, I have always taught my kids to turn the other cheek really. but there is a point you have to teach them to stand up for themselves as well. lether know it is perfectly okay she has boundaries and it is absolutely okay for her to tell this other child who doesnt understand what they are.

Talk to the teacher. If the teacher is not responsive, talk to the counselor(s).

Also, help your daughter to be stronger by role playing this scenario with dolls/toys. Tallk about what she can do if it happens again. And teach the difference between tattling, and asking for help (tattling is to get someone else in trouble, but telling an adult because you're trying to get help is good). Role play, and also have her practice saying it in front of the mirror.

I would talk to the teacher and if she still says nothing is going on talk to the principle!!! Make sure your daughter knows you are on her side. We are having issues with my 13 year old son in PE kids are stealing his lunch box, and other days parts of his lunch. Yesterday apparently they took all but his sandwich and fianlly told us. He said he talked to the coach and he make the boys sit there till someone confessed but no one did. They do this cause he's a little band nerd. (That's what he calls himself) We told him he's got to tell the coach any time someone does this. He wont give them a locker to put their stuff in so it wont get taken. We told him if he does not say something next time I will go to the principle and maybe even walk accross the side walk and have a talk with the coach as he is our nebor but we don't know him really. My son did not like that idea. My husband is out of work and we can hardly aford food for out boys let alone other kids. Most schools should have a no talerence policy for stuff like that. Kids are crule!!!!!!!!!!

good luck and God bless!

Try another talk with the teacher. When you spoke with her did you give her specifics? If not give her specific things/dates/what was said.

Don't be hesitant to step in...it's when we don't step in and things get worse...that we have the mass chaos that is going on.

We live in McKinney and there is a huge initiative in the schools here about "bullying" our schools take it very serious. It actually is so much so that my daughter drove me crazy about it the first couple of days of school, she thought everyone was bullying based upon how over sensitive the counselors spoke out at school. All that being said I am sure they have the same thing in Dallas, and so I would setup a meeting with the teacher and maybe even in the counselor. I am sure the counselor can help.. My heart aches for your daughter, that is so sad. Those girls are not making good choices and should not be so ugly. Poor girl, I hope the situation improves.

Oh my gosh...I feel so terribly sorry for your daughter...and you! I know I would be heartbroken if it was mine.
I cant believe bullying is starting so young.

I think...that if I were you....I would try and talk the girl's mom. They are in kindergarten....not 8th grade...the bullying should stop after the girl is spoken to by parents. She just needs to learn that its not nice to hurt people...and how would she feel if that was her.

I suggest you get hold of a copy of the wonderful book How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk, by Faber and Mazlish. The book gives real-life examples of how parents can help a child to address the problem himself. And though we don't usually think about young children in these terms. they can be creative problem solvers. Plus, kids are more invested in solutions they think of themselves, and are more likely to work at making them a success.

I've used this approach with my grandson since he was 2.5 years, and have watched him grow into realizing he has more inner resources than we usually give kids credit for. He's a bit of an emotional wuss at times, so it helps to sit with him and help him puzzle through his options. Then he "owns" them and is willing to try those options. And they usually get pretty good results, while helping him to become more resilient.