and confront him afterwards when cooled down.
I'd talk to him and tell him how you feel. He may not realize he's doing it. Stuff like that can make you walk on pins and needles. Or, if you need to, go to counseling and see if he can learn to approach his frustrations differently.
Re-post this with more info please.
Added:
Thanks for re-posting :-)
I think he is being overly picky to the point of being abusive. You are not perfect none of us are and that is okay. If you are doing all the childcare--cooking and housework he has nothing to complain about. Marriage is supposed to be a partnership. What is he doing to help out?
I also think you should consider counseling and possibly leaving him. This is not a healthy relationship.
May it be because he's a bipolar a$$%&le with mood swings and extreme sensitivity to insignificant (or non-existent) details? If you feel as you are constantly walking on eggshells around him or you reconsider the things you have to tell him many many times before doing so, you may be at the presence of that type of sociopathic personality that I had the pleasure to meet for the first time when I married my ex husband. It is NOT normal to feel this way in a marriage, so my advice would be too seriously find out if he has some kind of personality disorder. This illness is more common than we think and, NO,constant irritability is not just a personality quirk. Watch closely the "symptoms" and get educated about it. Maybe that's it.
OMG! I read every word. Listen here. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU!!
Now, YOU need to really believe that. Your thinking is so normal. Pure common sense. HE is insane and on the verge of abusive and definitely UNSECURE about himself! So he's controlling and criticizing your every actions so you will be reduced to nothing and never have the guts to leave him. Scary thing is he doesn't realize that he is acting out of fear and insecurities. He thinks he's being normal. He's CRRRRRAAAAZZZYYY!! And this is just the tip of the iceberg if you don't nip it in the bud and put him back in his place!
Please be more specific.
I think we're going to need more information to answer this. What types of things is he getting "furious" about?
He sounds really insecure. Tell him you are his wife, not his maid. He can help put things away if he doesn't like were you are putting it. I doubt many people even notice your slippers.
I agree that he's controlling and that you will have to talk about this, maybe with a counselor. But IN THE MEANTIME, you might benefit from something that my husband and I did earlier in our marriage. It was especially helpful.
We called it simply: THE RULES, and it really works.
The first thing you both need to recognize is that EVERYONE does something that bugs the other person, without ever meaning to. It's because we come from different households/cultures/etc. and we're different humans. Chewing loudly is one of these (I do that too and it bugs my husband [grin] for whatever reason).
So each person gets to pick the THREE main things that the other person MAY NOT DO. Examples we've used: no chewing with your mouth open. no putting non-clothes into the laundry basket. no leaving un-rinsed dishes in the sink. no leaving the cap off the toothpaste. no swearing at me. no leaving hair on the shower wall. no making fun of whatever tv/movie I'm watching. etc.
It has to be stated in the negative; you can't compel action because people forget too easy and it can start fights. It has to be something that you do that they don't want you to do. So your rules can't start "don't forget to do (whatever)" because it won't work.
You only get three rules. You can only change the rules once each month, and you have to retire a rule to get the new one in, for a total of three.
When someone forgets, and (for example) leaves an un-rinsed dish in the sink (or whatever) you just say calmly "rule" (point if necessary) and walk away. If you're chewing loudly, he can say CALMLY: "rule" and nothing else. The person who broke a rule quietly fixes it, may even give a quiet apology, and no more discussion is allowed.
It worked REALLY well for us, because it gave us a little control over things that bugged us. We also had to think really hard to decide on the three, and let the other things go. What was important enough to be a rule? Everything else just take a deep breath and let it go, or plan to get it as a rule next month.
I really hope this helps. It kinda puts things into a different focus, and can be helpful.
So much good luck to you both.
I think you need to see a counselor right away. His behavior is controlling and borderline abusive. There are red flags going up everywhere in what you posted. Please get counseling, get help, and get out. This is not a safe place for you or your children.
My husband thinks he is the manager at home. I am always telling him, his manger hat comes off when he walks in the house - he is not king and he does not rule. We continue to argue because he thinks things should be a different way. In the beginning, I would try to change them to make him happy - FORGET IT! Some men are just natural control freaks and it is our job to either leave them OR re-educate them, HA,HA! So I coninue to tell me husband, "if you don't like the way I do it - Then you do it!"
You need to have a long talk and let him know that this is a partnership. 10 years later and we still argue, but I won't let him "tell" me what to do. You need to be strong enough to stand up - it's hard, but you are not a doormat! :0)
Good Luck!!!
Communication. When he's blowing up over something ask him what is upsetting him so much about the situation. His perception of the situation may be totally different from yours.
My hubby has a habit of being short tempered with himself and if I draw his attention to what is actually happening he'll stop and see that his reaction is over the top for what's really going on.
Regardless of anything, he has to learn to respect you and communicate better when he is bothered by things. If the shoes really bother him, then that should be something easy you can work to change. If it is easier for you to cook and then clean, he has to understand this is how it is best for you. If you need to clean more for his liking, then the two of you need to discuss what is reasonable and what you can actually do. The chewing (I always remind my husband of this), he can just point it out to you when you are doing it and not be mad at you for it. Let him know that you are open to his comments and thoughts, but not if they are going to come at you in anger.
More details please.
... can you even talk to him about it?
Does he even let you talk to him?
Does he even realize he has a problem? Anger problem or other things?
You need tot set him straight and tell him not to talk to you like that. Why did he marry you if all these things annoyed him? If my husband spoke to me like that he would be looking somewhere else to live.
WOW! Here is my take on the situation. Your husband is a control freak. It may be that he has OCD or just a personality quirk, but I would bet that the reason you are feeling uncomfortable is because you know it is not true!
No one deserves to be treated with the level of disrespect he is affording you. If he will not go to counseling with you, go by yourself, until you can stick up for you! You are obviously devoted to your spouse and your kids and are making an effort to make him comfortable and happy - he needs to do the same for you. Next time he complains about the way you eat, tell him he is more than welcome to take his plate into the other room. Doesn't like the way you do dishes? He is welcome to do them himself.
My husband used to be far more controlling than he is now - never to the degree of yours, but he used to "comment" on everything I did in the guise of helping me. When I became a stronger person, I learned to say, "What does it matter to you how I do a task as long as the task is accomplished and the end result is satisfactory?" (say what you mean but don't say it mean) When I treated MYSELF with more respect so did he.
Maybe he is scaring you with his anger, or maybe he is browbeating you and making you feel like you are worthless or incompetent.
You have to determine whether his behavior is abusive, or whether it is normal treatment that you are just having a big reaction to. Also it would be good to know whether he is frustrated about something that keeps happening over and over, or whether he is going off on you for a variety of different things. Having some examples would help.
He sounds like a jerk to me. Name calling is never ok to do, no matter how mad you get. If he is making you feel useless and that nothing you do is good enough, then maybe this is not the marriage for you. If he is taking advantage of you, then he needs to be put in his place. You sound a little subservient, are you one of those woman who say "yes, honey, right away". Because if you let a man walk all over you, then that's exactly what he is going to do. Stand up for yourself!!! Tell him to F*%# OFF!!! Your the mother of his children, and you deserve respect. He's picking petty things to get mad at you about, sounds like he is not happy with his life.......watch out of signs of cheating.
I'm sorry you are dealing with this. Just do whats right, and stop letting him be mean to you. Maybe give him a taste of his own medicine. As far as counseling goes, doesn't sound like he is the type to do that, so, if he doesn't start being nicer to you , then leave him. And tell him that's what's going to happen if he doesn't love you anymore. Actions speak louder then words. Good luck!
Can you define "furious?" I know my hubby gets "annoyed" at things that are "small" to me like my "piles of stuff." In the art of marital compromise I try and maintain them. In turn I ask him to step up on his recycling as that is "small" to him but "big" to me.
I get concerned at the term "furious" so if you could elaborate that would be helpful.
