does anyone have any good parenting tips for 8 year old girl who lies and manipulates situations for the fun of it? she isnt always lying to get out of something or to get something. she likes the act of getting away with it.....
I'd probably consult with a child psychologist to get some tips if I were you. You may need help on how and when to impose consequences, etc...
One thing I am wondering is whether she has always been this way or whether it is a recent and new behavior. Could have to do with hormones if it is.
No. I would tell her that if she continues to lie that no one will trust her and without trust no one will be around her...no one will want to be her friend because they will never know if it's the "real" girl or not.
I would talk to a professional about it. She's doing it to get attention, I would think. And I certainly wouldn't let her get away with it. If she is found to be lying - punishment is swift and hard. painful if need be. Lying is wrong and can end up getting someone hurt....maybe talk to her about Peter and the Wolf and she is Peter...when she really is in trouble - no one will believe her or come to her rescue. it's not funny.
Something has happened along the way that has made her feel it's in her best interest - in her mind, the thrill of "getting away with it" outweighs the possible consequences. You haven't stated what, if anything, you have done so far to handle it, or how long its been going on for. A friend of mine was a foster parent for a while to an 8 year old girl who had been abused (emotionally and sexually) and had major psychological issues - attachment disorders, etc. One of the things this girl would do was chronically lie about things she had done, and then try to manipulate others into believing that she wasn't at fault, or hadn't done it at all. I'm not suggesting that anything like that is going on, but that sometimes it's necessary to consider professional help and counseling if issuing consequences and punishments isn't helping.
She needs to understand that what she is going is wrong and eventually will land her in a heap of trouble, as well as nobody being willing to believe anything she says or trust her. Personally, I would start taking things away from her until she decides to straighten up - no toys, no electronics, no TV, etc. Strip her room of everything in it except for her bed (no cute bedsheets or blankets - just plain boring white sheets - no stuffed animals). No decorations on the walls. The only clothes she gets are the clothes she is to wear that day. No play dates or fun outings. Start out small and take away more if her behavior continues. If she still isn't getting the picture, then professional counseling may be in order.
When you catch her in a lie, don't let her get away with it. Right then and there punish her for it. It doesn't matter how long ago she lied, the moment you know the truth, punish her for the falsehood. Let her know why she's being punished.
When she manipulates a situation stop her. No matter how long it's taken you to realize she turning the tables call a stop to it.
From what I have read about this kind of personality, it is incredibly important how the family responds to the situation. I think a professional would be very important, because if you are too harsh, it will teach the child to be harsh later, and potentially become more dangerous. It sounds like there's a need for her to learn empathy and compassion above and beyond everything else, and responding with severe consequences may have ramifications far beyond what's happening now. I just mean that if a child struggles with compassion, her later incorporating punitive behavior against others could lead to bullying and dangerous aggression, and you don't want to model that for her now.
Kids are prime manipulators and the really smart ones learn how to do this early, and often for the joy of exercising power and control over their world that would normally be beyond their reach. Lying in this light is probably a learned behavior, but you're right in that you need to nip it in the bud now.
Ever read the story of the Boy who cried Wolf? Get a copy from the library and read it to her. Then, tell her that since you know she lies, you are now going to treat EVERYTHING she says as a lie and not believe her. Make sure the rest of the family is in on this, too, perhaps at a family meeting, but you might want to conduct this little exercise over the weekend or on school break because I think you'd be hard pressed to get her teacher to play along with you, and you're going to need absolute consistency.
You can't just tell her that eventually no one will trust her -- 8 year olds don't have the ability to understand abstract futures and consequences fully. I would imagine she'll get pretty frustrated in short order when she's not believed about anything and even receives consequences for being truthful, because you assume she's lying. Make sure you remind her of your assumption every time you give a consequence, and don't be harsh with the consequences. For example, if she tells you she's brushed her teeth, tell her you don't believe her because her word isn't trustworthy, then march her back into the bathroom and make her do it again while you watch. Make her show you every bit of homework and even do some over because you can't be sure she didn't copy from someone, do every chore twice (if out of your sight), etc. I doubt it will take more than a few days to get the message through. -- That's step 1.
Step 2 is reestablishing trust, which is a lot harder. When you think she's gotten the message, sit down and have a talk with her, again at a family meeting, about what she can do to reestablish trust. Have her brainstorm with you ways to act to prove that she's being truthful. Make a list of 5 - 10 things, max, of what you've collectively decided, then print it out prominently on a whiteboard, poster board, etc. and put the list where it can be referred to easily as a reminder (you could make several, if you like, and place them in different areas of the house, even). Remind her to review the contract list frequently. You can both ask her for examples of when she's following the rules and catch her being good. Make sure you reward the times when she's acting appropriately, and giving consequences for when she's not. One technique I used with my kids when I needed to help them change a bad habit was to give them a pocketful of small change, like 10 nickels, dimes, or quarters to start with at the beginning of each day. Those coins became a physical reminder of what NOT to do. Every time I caught them engaging in the bad habit, I would take away a coin. They got to keep whatever they had by the end of the day. After a few days, I extended it to keeping hold of the coins for 3 days, then a week, then two weeks, after which time the positive habit had replaced the bad habit and the program stopped (until the next need for behavior modification). This method worked well for me until they were about middle school age, by which time their brains were more mature and discussion became sufficient.
If this or the other methods other mamas have suggested have no effect on her, a trip to a good child psychologist is definitely in order.
BTW, just thought of one other thing. Your daughter may have an incredibly fertile imagination and the gift of story telling. Perhaps you can turn this into a positive for her. Encourage her to write creatively about what she would otherwise lie about and make up works of short fiction that explore what might happen if the "lie" were true. This is the basis of good fictional literature. Who knows, you could end up with a budding novelist!
Get her, a Therapist.
She is 8 now.
You need to get this solved, before it becomes even more chronic, and she is a Teenager. Then, the stakes, get higher and more risky and more... dangerous.
And the thing, is, you can't just be around her 100% of the time, supervising her and her actions every single second.
When she is at school, out with friends, in social situations etc., then what?
You need to get her a Therapist/Psychologist.
I agree punishing her for lying but I also think this girl is lacking some major empathy feelings. If she doesn't get it now, it will be harder as she gets older when you will have real problems on your hands. Empathy won't be learned through punishment so it is going to have to be a duel thing. Punishment for lying and showing her that other people are affected by her actions. Maybe you can try giving her a taste of her own medicine. Tell her she is getting something she wants and then take it back. Randomly do it until she gets it. Show her that being on the receiving end of the lie can be hurtful and irritating. If the problem keeps getting worse, I would talk to a therapist before she hits puberty.
Also, it sounds like she likes to act and get attention so maybe local theater classes might be fun for her too.
We take HUGE measures. We take major items away and/or soap in the mouth. If dirty things come out of your mouth, then your mouth needs to be cleaned out.
We asked her and allowed her to fess us 9 times, she didn't. One lie about which movie she saw @ 12 resulted in her phone being taken away for 3 months and instead of me driving her to school, she had to take the bus - and we are the first stop in the am and last stop in the pm. No parties. No friends. Needless to say, we got her attention.
