Kids and Chaos, Sound Familiar?

In the old days, those women lived on farms. The kids each had 4 toys (if they were lucky) and they all worked out on the farm during the day. The kids had chores, and were outside screwing around instead of inside watching TV. Also, as someone else pointed out, families were closer and available to help out. There was usually a "spinster" aunt who helped! :)

You have four young children. I have 3 (age 5, almost 4 and almost 2) and most days I feel like pulling my hair out at some point. This is what I suggest.

1. Get someone to watch your kids for 1 weekend (or two days during the weekend - if you are nursing the baby - keep them with you). During that time, do a serious clean of your home. PURGE about 1/2 of the toys. Our kids (mine included) have too much stuff. I swear it multiplies by itself under the bed at night.

2. Once you've gotten rid of stuff (donate - do not attempt a garage sale - that's a hideous amount of work), then pick another weekend and enlist more help with your kids and then organize and clean.

3. Get your laundry on a schedule. My brother (3 kids - 2 working parents) swears by the once a week laundry. I like to do mine every day. Both of us agree that getting it done includes putting it away. I do my best to put kid clothes away DAILY. My own is less strict.

4. Make yourself a calendar for monthly/weekly chores. Once they are on a calendar, it's easier to make time for them. Change sheets on Saturdays (that way you have help getting it done and back on the beds from your husband). Post your calendar some place visible and follow it.

5. Cooking. My husbands general philosophy for everything complicated is KISS - Keep It Simple Stupid :) He tells me that all the time (joking of course!). Meals can be healthy and still easy. Fresh vegi's, fresh fruit, protein (hard boiled eggs or cheese) and pasta/rice/bread is a well rounded meal on a hectic day in my house. Try to cook some things ahead on the weekend and freeze. Also, a baked chicken is very easy and you can use the leftovers for easy lunches or dinners. Bake two at the same time.

Make a schedule for TV. Have your older kids pick the things they like to watch most. Put it on the calendar as part of your day. We have a "not everyday" tv schedule. My kids love Dinosaur Train, so on TV Days that's what time of day they get to watch. Other videos, are extra and have to be earned with good behavior.

Don't forget to take a 1/2 hour for yourself once and a while. You are busy, over touched, stressed out, and tired. Take a breath, and try to enjoy them. I know it's hard. I've been really working on enjoying my kids more, and stressing less for about the last year. I've found much joy that I was missing by not having a schedule and letting things get out of control.

One more thing, something that almost always works to bring us down a notch around here is to call for a "BOOK BREAK!". My kids love it. They each pick a book, we sit down (in the mess if necessary) and read a few books. Everyone gets some attention, cuddle time, and it calms us all down. I find it very effective for changing course of a bad moment :)

Good luck!
J.

Hi J. - I have a feeling I know what part of your issue is. I'll quote you . . . "We have 4. A baby, a young toddler, and a 3 and a 4-year old."

That is a lot of work to handle all by yourself. I have 2 very rambunctious boys and plenty of neighbor kids and I feel like my house is out of control a lot too. I had to absolutely recruit my husband to help and your 3 and 4 yr old can start picking up toys (with help) - and once they get a little older, they can start to take on more responsibility.

Out of sheer necessity, we started doing what we call the "fast-bath". Truthfully, they get about 1xmonth where they get to play and soak in the bath. All the other times 2-3x week, they get a 5minute bath. They're standing up, we soap and scrub, wash their hair, rinse and go. We've been doing this since my youngest was 2.5 and it works great for us. We can do both boys baths in 15 minutes.

Getting more organized is such a key thing too. I've felt so immersed in toys, I just cant stand it. I finally got a bunch of smallish plastic buckets (I like the ones that are about 10-12 inches high and about 15-18in long that are made for DVD - the ones where the lid is attached and the 2 lid parts fold over the sides and meet in the middle. We sorted all the toys into their own buckets and it has really helped. We have a car bucket, block bucket, action figure bucket, hungry hippo game bucket, train bucket, music toys bucket, potato head bucket . . . you get the idea. It also helped when we were working on getting them to clean up one bucket before diving into another one. They also stack well so they fit great on the 20 inch pantry shelves we installed in their closets.

Hope that helps a little. Try to hang in there!

Women in those days did not work. They worked in the fields or in the home or doing laundry or cleaning for other families. That is what my Grandma did. She had 4 kids. She simply, took her kids, wore the baby on her... and went to work in the fields. Then, the older kids, had to "Mother" the younger kids. Or, other relatives, babysat. The "retired" relatives. They did not spend time on their kids like we do... with constant kid activities or play groups or what not. It was doing adult things and working for survival... and the kids, circulating around that... and pitching in and 'working' too. My Mom... did, for her Mom (my Grandma)... that is what her childhood was. They had to be an "adult" from even 7 years old or younger.
The "world" at that time... did not revolve around 'entertaining' kids and the kids calling the shots... it was revolving around ADULT responsibilities.. .and livelihoods.

For me in this day and age... I have a schedule of things I do, everyday, and I do it. AND... the WHOLE family has to pitch in too.
Your kids and your Husband, SHOULD be doing chores too.... they are a PART of the family... and to me, ANY family member... therefore, if they are part of the family... HAS TO HELP. If you live IN the home.. then you help. No one, is exempt.
A SAHM... should not be everyone's "maid." Even the working Husband.. has to help. That is how my home is. It is my Husband's home too, AND his kids... and just because he works and I don't... does not mean he is exempt from daily house and kid responsibilities. HE has to help too.

If the car is a mess.. then EVERYONE is responsible to help clean it, and keep it neat and not a pit, for example.

You just make these things, a "rule" and a part of the family's routine and expectations...

Instead of your kids being "entertained".... which is what most kids are used to nowadays... HAVE THEM HELP in the house. Assign them things to do... have a "schedule" and a DAILY routine, for them to do. My kids, if bored and nothing to do... they go bonkers too, and drive me NUTS. So when they are like that... I have them clean the house and help me around the house. I only expect, what is age appropriate and what they can do, per their age.
My daughter, even helps me wash the windows and screens. And she gets 'proud' of it.
My Son... he just made 4 years old... and he knows how to wash the dishes and can even cook and scramble an egg. Of course, I supervise.

It is GOOD... for kids no matter what age... to GET USED TO, helping in the house... not just being "entertained"... and just hanging out. To KNOW... they are a PART of the family... and that the FAMILY, helps each other.

all the best,
Susan

Of course having four very young children is a lot of work and the house can get overwhelming! I think you're on the right track with not letting them watch too much TV! The more they watch the less they learn how to entertain themselves, and kids need to know how to entertain themselves! and I agree it is more important to interact with your kids the to keep your house spotless. I dont understand the baths once a week thing. My kids LOVED having a bath and they were contained in the tub playing, It was an excuse for me to sit still and rest or even read a book, I just couldnt leave the room! Maybe you can fit the three littlest ones together and the four yr old could have her 1/2 hour w/ Daddy or watching TV or playiing with toys that have little parts and are unsafe for little ones. It's very educational for little ones to pour water from one container to another etc so try for more than once a week.
You're also on the right track getting some house hold help- as much as you can afford! Can you get help more often? A lot of people on here recommend fly lady.com to help with keeping up with the house I havent gone to her website very much, just starting, but I love how she inspires me to "love " my house! and reminds me how much happier I feel when the house is neater! I do love having a neat house or at least a neat room! And being a busy mom of four you need to find things to do to make you happier! Personally I find if I'm a bit depressed my house gets messier, maybe you need to find ways to make yourself feel better- join a gym that has babysitting or a moms group with similar families or ? But again when my house is organized and neater I enjoy my house more! Ask you hubby to chip in this weekend around the house to help you get over this hurdle and promise him you will try to keep things up to make you all happier. Maybe he could do the car while you keep the kids and then you could catch up on laundry while he plays with kids.Or do you have realatives that could take the kids for a while?
If you want to know what the woman from the 1800's would do, they would be envious of your modern house, your washer and dryer, clean heat, your stove and refrigerator! Just like many people with problems conceiving or children with severe health problems would be SO envious of your 4 healthy children! Sometimes i have to sit down and write down in a journal the things I am so lucky to have and it makes me feel better. You've been blessed with four children and I hope you enjoy every minute of them -before you know it they wont need so much attention, they wont be underfoot crying and wanting to be held, they wont need diaper changes, or their teeth brushed because they will be teenagers and you will be WISHING them back to this stage! Then they will be gone and you will miss these moments that are driving you mad right now!

I think O. big difference is the sheer amount of "stuff" we have these days. Simplify and pitch non-essential stuff!
If you don't mind your house being that way, then it's not a problem.
Personally, I can skip a shower O. day but that's it.
I also *need* to have my child bathed every day. And clean sheets weekly.
That's just me.
Fly Lady is great for time-saving, cleaning/planning routines.
www.flylady.net

In the old days it was also common to have granny, grandpappy, grandma, grandpa and an occasional aunt and uncle living with you too.... they all shared in taking care of the zillion kids. times have sure changed.

I'm sorry you're feeling so stressed. Raising children is hard work especially with four under five.

I would agree with some of the other posters - time to get rid of the non-essentials. If the clothes are too small or the toys aren't being play with it's either time to donate them or box them up, label them, and stick them in the garage or shed- IF you think you'll use them again in the future. I've had to get rid of clothes that still fit my DD because she just had way too many clothes at one point and they couldn't all fit into her large dresser. I figured she wasn't going to wear them all anyway so why wait for her to outgrow them. I also got rid of some of her toys because they were all over the house and she wasn't really playing with them. So while she was out of the house with my husband I boxed them up and got rid of them. That helped tremendously!!!

Laundry - getting rid of too small clothes will help. Can you do a load of laundry in the morning and then move it to the dryer in the evening? Teach the two older kids to help fold. It won't be perfect but it will be teaching them to pitch in and help. They'll get better in time. My DD actually loves to help put the dirty clothes in the washing machine, transfer clothes from the washing machines to the dryer, scoop out the powder soap & stick it in the washing machine, push the bottons, etc. She has been doing this since she was about 18 months maybe even younger. Got to start them young and they think its fun!!! She is three now and she comes running when she hears me lifting the washing machine lid chanting 'can I help, can I help?!'

Chores - The best thing you can do for them and youself is teach them NOW to help out around the house. Give them lots of praise, don't critize them when things aren't done right. Don't re-do the job in front of them. In addition to having DD help with laundry I also taught her how to give the cat food & water at a very young age. How to make coffee (!)- I measure out the grounds and hand her the spoon and she puts them in the filter basket. She also pours in the water for me and hits the "on" button. Sometimes I have grounds in my coffee but I just laugh to myself and drink it anyway. Find other stuff around the house they can help with ... using a duster, they LOVE to spray the windex and wipe down the glass tables/windows/mirrors, picking up toys (make a rule that they can't pull out a new toy until they put back the previous toy .... enforce that rule!!). Can the three and four year old help bring you a clean diaper & wipes for the baby when baby needs changed? I bet they'll even compete to see who can do it faster when they see how much praise your giving out. Maybe make a list of stuff they can do.

Ask for help!!! - Do you have any friends or family that can help out? You need to take breaks from the children even if it means just running errands by youself. Not fun..but you can make the best of it by stopping grabbing Starbucks, play a favorite CD, etc. while running the errands.

Food - have you tried a crockpot? You can throw the food into and not have to worry about dinner. Keep breakfast & lunch simple. Serve lots of fresh fruit & veggies, whole grain cereals, etc.

Baths - I like the other posters idea about the fast baths. Give that a try and see if it works for you. Have your husband help with the baths ... one washes the child and the other one dries the child off and gets it dressed. Have an assembly line for the baths, LOL =0)

Can you have your husband watch the children one evening while you clean out the car? The gas stations have those shampoo/vacums + car washes. That will make a huge difference!!!

TV/Boredom - Do you take them for walks during the day? That will help as well. It will get everyone out of the house for a while, you'll be getting fresh air & exercise. Plus children always seem to sleep better after a walk. Is there a park nearby? Take them there often.

I hope some of this helped. Take care.

You are still in the very hardest zone, with your oldest being only 4. Believe me in the next year you will see things improve as everyone gets just a little older. My life is much easier now than it was a year ago. Mine are almost 5, almost 3, and 1. I only have three, but hubby is NEVER home so I can relate to all the housecleaning woes. For the kids, it's ALL about discipline. The more you really do not allow the crying and fits, the more time you can be the nice mom paying positive attention to everyone.

My step sisters all have large homeschooled families. My closest one has 6. (One has 10 and one has 12). She's stricter than me, but way more relaxed than me in that her house is orderly, her kids are always very well behaved and take care of lots of stuff without her. Mine are great too, but I allow more slack and don't care about housework. I'm still waiting to afford a housekeeper one day.... Anyway, their whole family uses the same discipline book which my mom's husband, grandfather of 30+ gave me when I was pregnant-it is a life changer for large families. Let me know if you want it!
I have a lot of stress and chaos in my life, but my kids are my island. We have an amazing time together and do every errand together. They are tantrum free, sweet, happy, loving, helpful kids. Actually, that's part of what has improved the past year, my almost 5 year old and her little bro are quite the housekeepers-and they're good at helping with the baby!

I think their children must have been spread out more because they exclusively breastfed longer. With all the hormones in meat and supplementing formulas, all of us hormone imbalance women have children a lot closer together (I think!). They would probably look at us and wonder how we can have a 3 AND a 4 year old in the same house...LOL That's my thought, anyway. =) You definately have your hands full!!

Hi J.
Wow four kids! You are amazing!!
I have one and I'm wrecked.
Give yourself a pamper, a long bath and some sleep if you can.
Mind yourself
B.

There's really almost no way to compare raising a family in the 1800s with raising one now! People lived on farms or in big cities where they worked in factories and their kids ran in the streets all day long and went to work themselves at very young ages. Farm kids also went to work at very young ages on the farm, and by work I mean they worked all day long. If they weren't working they went to school or were basically "turned out of the house" to amuse themselves all day. Piles of toys didn't exist. Only the wealthy had lots of playthings (and even then not like we do today) and they also had full-time nannies and housekeepers as well as cooks, etc. I'm not saying mothers in the 1800s had it easy, because while their kids were out at school, roaming or working -they were working their butts off as well in factories, on the farm or cooking, cleaning and washing while attending to the infants and toddlers. You also have to consider that they had no television, computer, workout schedule or anything else much to use up any of their time. Finally, some families DID have 10 living children, but most didn't have quite that many. 4-7 living kids was the norm. Unfortunately so many children died back then that it wasn't uncommon to give birth 10 or 12 times but only have half that many children living.

So, don't beat yourself up! Your life is beyond anything those women could have ever imagined! I don't know how you do it though with 4 kids that young -that's why I only had 2! Be proud of yourself that you're sane. I would be completely nuts!

***And I'm sorry -someone said women in the 1800s didn't work?!?! Are you kidding? They worked themselves to death! Between pregnancy, childbirth and working themselves to the bone, they were lucky to see 50! They had NO modern conveniences from electricity to pampers to formula. Look around you at EVERYTHING in your home and chances are with the exception of the very basics, none of it existed then. They couldn't even heat their homes without working their butts off chopping and lugging wood or shoveling coal and lugging that into the house. There was no such thing as "cooling" the home in summer -you just sweated! And many of them DID work outside the home in horribly strenuous and miserable factory and labor positions. Unless they were from well off families they had no educational or career opportunities and they couldn't even vote or own property in their own names in most places! They worked harder than we can even imagine.

Schedule, schedule, schedule... Everything on a schedule. My husband and I both work 40hrs a week and the drive time adds up to about another 10/week.

Examples- (some of this may exclude the littlest one due to feeding/napping)

Keep meals relatively easy... Breakfast of yogurt and fruit or something else just as easy. Lunch - sandwiches/soup, crackers, fruit, raw veges w/dressing. Dinner - Crockpot meals. Buy big packs of chicken/beef/pork/whatever you prefer and cook 3 or 4 nights of meals at once. This will take some meal planning for the week. But out of a 5lb pack of ground beef, you can get hamburgers/sloppy Joe's, meatloaf, and tacos for the entire family. That's 3 nights of meals for the week or if you want to, freeze and save one or two of those for the following week. Steamed veges are easy and quick and if you purchase a Tupperware steamer, you can use the cheaper frozen veges that aren't already in the 'steambag' and save money in the long run. Have a $5 Little Ceasars pizza night once in a while. (I know it would be more than just the $5... But still pretty cheap)

Dust & have the older ones help. Vacuum while they play in another room. Put the 3 oldest kids in the bath, scrub them quickly and let them play. While they're in the bath, scrub the sink and toilet. Do a quick 'mop' of the floor. I usually use a swiffer dry then wet. When the kids are in bed, take a shower yourself and scrub the tub and shower while you're in it before you wash yourself. Rinse as you clean yourself. I clean mine once a week like this. My husband and I work as mechanics... We must scrub!

Teach the older ones how to help you wipe the table, etc after dinner is over. Have them hand you the dirty dishes. If you have a dishwasher... Even easier. The older two are old enough to put them in the dishwasher. You may have to rearrange, but wait until they're not around to do that.

Change all beds once a week. I usually do mine on a Friday evening or Saturday morning. If it's Fri evening, I'll change it right after my shower and just before I climb in bed.

Do 2-3 loads of laundry a couple times a week. Have the older kids put their own away after being folded. While you're putting the other clothes away, they'll see how you do it and follow your lead.

As far as healthy snacks - Keep some where the 2 older kids can have access to them. My older helps by getting snacks because of access.

You shouldn't have to be the entertainer. All the kids are close enough in age that they should be able to play together and entertain each other.

My grandmother had 4 right in a row (5th one came 9yrs after the last of the 4 close ones). She and my grandfather told them to keep themselves entertained or kicked them out to the backyard.

If you can see them from one of the rooms of your home in the backyard... Tell them to go out and play. My kids rarely sit and watch TV. It's usually on a really nasty day or not long before bedtime. Then when I get them ready for bed, I read a story and the kids go to their own beds after the story.

More often than not, my husband is out in the garage tinkering... I do this by myself most of the time.

My schedule is as follows-
6am - Get up and get dressed. Brush teeth & hair. Make lunches for everyone. Make coffee (I have a Bunn which saves time).
6:20am- Get the kids up while hubby is getting dressed and teeth brushed. He takes lunches out to car. I get the kids ready to walk out the door (diapers, hair brushed, clothes & shoes). I'm lucky and my mom comes over to get the school aged one off to school.
6:30ish- Leave & get little one to daycare. Drive to work.
7:30a - Start work.
4:15p - Leave work.
5p - Get little one from daycare & pick up older at my moms.
5:30p - Start dinner if I hadn't made a weeks worth of food. Run downstairs and start a load of laundry.
6:30p - Eat dinner as a family. Everyone stays at the table until everyone is finished.
7p - Kids get in bath & clean them right away. I scrub sink and toilet & run swiffer on floor if needed while they play.
7:30p - Get little ones to bed and read a story. Then help school aged one do homework if my mom didn't help with that earlier.
8p - Oldest goes to bed. Put load of laundry in dryer.
8:30p - I take a shower and scrub the tub and shower if needed while I'm in there.
9p - I change my bed if needed and climb in. Watch a little TV for my own quiet time. And if hubby is feelin froggy, no TV, but grown up time.
10p - If no grown up time, I'm usually getting ready to go to sleep at this time.

I will usually fold laundry from the night before during the time I'm watching TV by myself and leave the basket of folded laundry in my room until the next day.

I will change the kids beds pretty quickly sometime during the weekend. It CAN be done. And if your two oldest are in tot classes for a few hrs a day... You should be able to get quite a bit done even with the toddler and baby.