Kid Staying Alone with Relatives

Sounds like it was good for him.
Maybe he actually LIKED not having his mother hovering over him for a change, it probably made him feel confident and good about himself.

At seven, my kid dressed herself every day, made her own breakfast, showered alone and slept in her own bed on her own room, and that was the norm at home. Doing that at someone else's house wouldn't have been any big deal. .

Well - your son just learned that he needs to pick up the pace when eating, eh? No one catered to him and he quickly found out that he needs to not be so picky and eat.

How well does your son and husband know your aunts and uncles? If he doesn't know them at all? I would be livid! However, if he was left with people he KNOWS and **I** know well (not just hey! They are family!)

Your son proved he can take care of himself. So this was a good thing. I hope it taught you something as well - stop allowing your son to be a picky eater! Stop allowing him to be "slow". This time PROVED he could do it.

What's the scoop with pizza? Does he have gluten allergies? There is NOTHING wrong with salad!! Salads are GREAT for you!

I think you are overthinking and sorry you couldn't coddle your son!! He took care of business - so this means you are doing something right - he knew what to do!!

You are only bringing this up because you feel guilty. You feel like you let your son down by not being there to cater to him. STOP!!! Isn't it obvious that you've done such a great job raising him that he was able to take care of himself and make good choices. He'll go a lot farther in this world than the kids who can't do anything without mama being there to wipe their noses and fight their battles.

I'm sorry but I find this a tad dramatic. Your son survived and had a good time. He needs to start to learn that the whole world doesn't revolve around him. He was in a safe environment, learn some independence and found out if you eat slow, you don't get seconds. To me, that sounds like success.

I'm not sure you need to completely change your perspective, but now I think you need to expand it. We're mothers (and fathers; I realize there are some dads on here). But for the most part, we're moms. We either gave birth to these children, or adopted them, or are providing foster care for them, or we married their birth parent and created a family that way.

But I do think that you need to strengthen your heart, your mind and your attitude. Your perspective - your desire to protect your child - is good, but now you need to add other facets into your parenting.

A loving mother will ALWAYS have a sense that she wishes she could protect her child. When they're infants, we hold and feed and protect our baby quite literally because they are helpless. When they go to school, we entrust that protection to the school bus driver, the school crossing guard, and the school staff, and we realize we've taught them about safety, kindness, behavior, etc. Then, when our kids are grown, we trust that we raised them well, and that they'll function well at college and then form their own families - with integrity, with capability, with love, and with strength. We cry when they go off to college, we get teary-eyed at their celebrations, from "graduating" from kindergarten, to homecomings and proms, and then their weddings. Part of us wishes we could just stop time, and part of us rejoices that these events are taking place.

My own son is 27. He's currently several hours away, for a work assignment, and it's in a remote area with no cell phone signals. I wish I could bring him some food, or call him, even though I know he's capable, self-reliant, and doing what he does very well. I'm not sitting home panicking, but I do think of him during the day and say a prayer for his safety and hope that the event is going smoothly.

So I encourage you not to feel guilt over these inevitable life events. I'm referring to those occasions where our children are safe but perhaps not surrounded by their usual routines, their regular comforts, and the people they know best. If a grandparent is hospitalized or a new baby is being born, a child may need to stay with trusted neighbors or friends for a few days. A parent may not be able to chaperone a field trip and our little 8 year old might go to the zoo or the museum with his or her classmates and some parents who may be unfamiliar.

What your son experienced was not a big, bad world. He didn't "deserve more love and attention". He deserved care, shelter, and food, which he got. Please don't apologize to him, or make it seem as though he were lost at the bus station. Give him strength by simply acknowledging that he did a good job taking care of himself and how blessed he is to have so many aunts and uncles who took him in and carefully observed his food restrictions. His dad made sure he was in a home where there would be adult supervision, where the adults would adhere to his food restrictions, where there would be structure and security. So, he ate salad. A salad would be a feast to millions of children in this world, who go without food due to famine, neglect or poverty.

Along with your natural mother's protective heart, I encourage you to relax, to find gratitude, to develop trust, and to release the guilt over your son functioning well in unfamiliar circumstances. The guilt will grow, to resentment or to over-protectiveness.

I was a little perturbed at first that your husband didn't discuss this with you - that would irk me. But now I wonder if he knew you would have a fit, and so he just seized the opportunity when he could, and proved that your son can survive just fine.

Your son learned some valuable lessons: people don't cater to you, families have to find a balance and can't schedule life and meals around one person, meals have start times and end times, it's possible for a 7 year old to know what he can and cannot eat, he can survive on a salad until the next meal, he has an extended family who care about him and for him, his own room and bed is a privilege and not a right, he is a separate human from his mother. You didn't say so, but I'm guessing he had to take his plates to the sink and pick up after himself. He certainly had to pick out his own clothes, get a bath and carry on some conversations with people.

You've learned a valuable lesson here: he can do more than you require of him, and he must do so if he's going to survive in the world. Parents who delay this for their kids just handicap them. My son went to college with a terrific guy who never used an ATM machine or cashed a check until he graduated - his mother drove 4 hours each way every other week to bring him cash and groceries. He didn't know how to recycle or clean a room. These lessons start early. So you know now that the bar is set too low for your child. You've learned that you are hovering and babying him, which is doing him a disservice. You can find other ways to be essential to your child without supervising his clothing, bath or meals. Put the food out, set a time limit (say, a half hour - longer in a restaurant when there are waiting times), and then it goes away. If he's not hungry, fine. He will not starve and he will learn. Put out food that he shouldn't eat, and let him learn to do without certain things. So what? You will teach him to function at other people's houses, which is vital.

I suggest that the cause of your hurt is either that you fear you aren't relevant to your child, or you dread his growing up and becoming more independent. Or both. I also think it's hard to realize that you and your husband are not on the same page with childrearing.

I had to put my child on a plane alone at age 7. Was it tough? Yes. I cried as this strong and independent little guy hiked down the jetway with the airline escort but I took comfort in realizing I had helped given him confidence to do so. At 9, he went to overnight camp for 4 weeks with no one he knew. We knew some older campers and knew about the camp ownership and he knew it was well supervised and endorsed by our synagogue - but that's it. Sure, I cried a little when I left him there, but he flourished. I shed a few tears when I dropped him at college, and again on his final graduation day. These transitions and milestones are emotional but also very freeing and empowering. I urge you to find the freeing part of it, and to recognize we have huge problems with helicopter parents intervening in every school, team, college and first jobs. We need to stop that.

WOW -- really?
I don't mean to be harsh but seriously he's FINE. I think you baby him way too much. It's time to stop hovering and let him experience the world as it really is, no one is going to cater to his every need, he will have to learn to fend for himself.
Picky eaters do not survive in my house, I simply do not allow it. Food allergies I respect but the 'I don't like this' is answered by 'too bad it's this or nothing'. I always make healthy meals I cook from scratch. EVERYONE eats veggies at my house, maybe only one bite but they eat it.
Luckily he didn't spend 2 days with me.

I've never had this experience but as a Mom I am very proud of your son. He learned how to live in an environment that he was not used to. He wasn't hurt and seems to have come out of it ok. Be proud that your mothering has taught him how to survive. I know we like to think everyone will treat our kids the way we treat them but that is just not the case. I can understand your feelings too. I am probably a helicopter Mom and I am sure I would feel the way you do. Don't beat yourself up. He did a great job on his own so be proud of him and yourself.

Plenty of 7 year olds go off to summer camp for a week at time and parents pay good money for their kids to have the experiences you describe. I know I did.

You really need to chill with the getting upset because no one does as you expect mostly because you don't articulate your needs.

If my husband did this it wouldn't even register as a travesty as you apparently think it is. Nothing happened, he was fine, but instead of seeing this as proof you perhaps underestimate his abilities, that your son is not a creature to be kept in bubble wrap, you post this.

Honestly I am not sure if you want us to tell you to let go and let your son live or if you want us to tell you your husband was 100% neglectful and you are lucky your son didn't die.

ETA: My bad. I misread the post. You were not able to attend a wedding and dad took son to the wedding. While at the wedding, dad got a call to do some more work and he had to find a place for son while he worked. Family took your soon in and provided a safe haven for him. Right? Now you are riddled with guilt that you were not there to care for your child who survived quite well without you.

Original: The experience gave your child a chance to be an independent person without mommy present. He learned that he could rely on himself to do the things necessary. He was with loving family members who made sure he was safe and protected. A few life lessons were learned by him about his eating habits and how to improve them. He learned a bit more self-reliance while being with other family members.

As a mom, we feel that we have to do everything for everyone. But there are times when you need to pull back and let your child(ren) fend for themselves. This would be the same as if you were suddenly admitted to the hospital and someone has to look out for your child -- he made it. Be happy that he can do things for himself. He will make it in the big big world.

My mom was very ill my whole childhood. She even told me that she would never see me grow up and she didn't. But, she did make it so that I was able to take care of myself in any circumstance. There were times when I resented what she did but there were many more times that I can say, "Thank you mom for what you taught me," as it helped me get through many situations in my life.

Your emotions are all over the place. Step back and evaluate the teachings you have taught your child. Be proud of what he did.. It might be that it is time to loosen up the control you have on him and let him do things on his own. One day he will say, "Thank you mom for all you have done for me." I heard that on my son's wedding day.

Remember: No one is going to do things the way you do them and it is okay. All will be fine.

the other S.

Your post is all about you. You sound like a Mom that hovers over her child and believes you're doing it for his sake. That type of behavior is mostly about the parent's feelings and despite the fact that you think it's all about him you are actually doing him a disservice.

I bet your son had some great moments that weekend you will never know about. A houseful of distracted adults produced some of my favorite childhood memories. Back off a little and let him grow up!

You are a helicopter mom. Give your son some breathing room. It's obvious he did well taking care of himself.

Yes!! Now you know your son can eat faster! Since you know this? When it's meal time? There is no more lollygagging.

Don't feel guilty. Your son proved that he can take care of himself! You now know that your son will be totally fine at summer camp!

I think it was a great test and I'd be thrilled to know that my son could be so independent and that he had a positive experience while doing for himself. I can also see your point that your sweet son wasn't doted on and loved, as the sweet boy should have been. But, he did great and you should be proud!

Your son survived and I assume he did fine.
If anything, maybe he'll appreciate the special Mommy treatment he usually gets even more than before.
You're worrying about 'what if this happened' or 'what if that happened' after the fact.
Kids are resilient and they can derive a lot of self confidence from experiences like this.
I'm not sure why it stings you to think 'he doesn't have any special existence beyond his own home' - nobody does.
Your kid rolled with the situation and came out on his feet!
Be proud of him - and let your worry go.

while i think time spent with extended family is great (we all grew up scrunched in with relatives when we visited, and did a fair amount of scrounging and taking care of our own baths and getting dressed) it's kind of sucky for YOUR kid because it seems so sudden and random. kids who are used to this don't give it a second thought. but your husband just dumping your unprepared kid on people he barely knows sounds unpleasant for all.
i think the fly in the milk here is your husband. what was he thinking?
khairete
S.

I can understand how you are feeling, but you should be happy to know that he will be OK on his own.

I have never had to leave my daughter anywhere for more then a day, she has only spent the night at my MIL's once and hasn't had a sleepover yet.

It sounds like he had a good, safe adventure and actually enjoyed it. You said he misses having all those people around, after all. I understand that it's hard to let our kids become more and more self-reliant and that you fear he wasn't all well-tended, however that fear voice seems to be out of touch with reality, or at least his reality. It seems you might have had some not-great experiences with those relatives in the past, however perhaps his experiences were different.

To answer your question... every other summer since age 1 1/2, my kids (13 and 10 years old now) have spent 6 weeks with my husband's relatives in a relatively remote village in Tanzania, with my husband and I not there most of the time. While they missed us, we missed them, and they definitely were thinner by the end, they also absolutely flourished with the independence and exposure to another way of life. They also got to know their relatives, which is a great gift. I guess now you can see why I wouldn't be too phased by the incident you described. Yeah, it's hard that your husband didn't give you a heads-up or discuss it beforehand, however I think you and your kiddo learned some REALLY valuable things about his resilience. Good luck processing the feelings.

I think it would be a great experience for my 6/7 year old. Being around other family members and getting to know them is a great thing. Being independent, choosing their own food, getting their own bath ready is also really positive! As parents we sometimes coddle our children and do so many things for them that they are perfectly capable of doing for themselves. If my child had a good experience and enjoyed it I would just think, wow, good for you! The only thing that would be strange about this is my husband and I would have talked about it first. Maybe the fact that you were surprised after this happened is what is throwing you through a loop. My daughter stayed with grandma (along with grandpa/aunt/uncle/cousins and her brother) for a week the last two summers (age 4, age 5). She did great. I know that is not exactly the same thing. I guess my take on it would be if my child was feeling good about it then I would think it was a success and a great way to build independence. I would feel proud of my child. I think you are being a little overly sensitive about it. Your son was fine!

I would be really surprised if he wasn't getting any attention in a house full of adults. Yes, maybe they expected more of him than you do and maybe they didn't understand or fully respect his food issues, but I bet he was getting attention. If you know and trust the family members, try to let it go. I do get your feelings though. I'd chalk it up to a "dad" moment. Dads aren't always as protective as we moms are. In this case, no harm no foul. I might have a talk with dad and mention you weren't comfortable with that, but in the end, it's over. Hard one to sort out feelings on, I'm sure!

You are going to need to work on letting your son have some independence. You now know he can handle it and he's not a helpless infant anymore. I think your son probably really liked being responsible and independent. Please continue to allow him to become an independent person - after all, that's the goal of raising children. Please don't raise a momma's boy who expects everyone to cater to him. You won't be doing him or society any favors.