E.R.
I got divorced when my son was almost 4. I remember feeling depressed and just dreading how I was going to get through each day before I made the real decision to leave. It was the best choice I EVER made, for myself and for my son.
1)Be PRACTICAL. This is a time in your life where you can change your WHOLE WORLD. You have a wonderful chance here to make your life better and to make a better life for your child! She is counting on you, and you should be proud of yourself for being brave enough to do this, even though it is hard.
You say you are at home now. I hope your mom and dad see that this is the best choice for you and are supportive. Don't wear out your welcome by relying on them for everything. See what options there are for you to get assistance to get some childcare help, get back to school and get an Associate's Degree in something practical like Dental Hygiene and get yourself a good job with insurance. Make sure your daughter is signed up for whatever Child insurance program your state offers, so you don't have to worry about her medical care and shots. Many of those programs will cover you as well, while you are in school, until you can get a job. Your parents are much more likely to help you if they see you working towards a goal and not just staying home being sad. I know this sounds like a tall order, but working towards something good is better than sitting around being sad anyday! You can do it!
2)You are worried about your daughter not seeing her father. Why won't he see her? Many men are lousy partners, but still loving dads. That is just the way it is.
Is he paying child support? He SHOULD be. Go to your local DCFS office and start plowing through the paperwork. It can be overwhelming at first, but ask for a counselor to help you through it if you need to.
It took TWO people to bring your wonderful daughter into this world and he owes her not just his love, but practical financial support as well. If he is really a loving daddy, he will agree with this.
Unless you are afraid he will steal the baby or is not safe for her to be around, can you not arrange visitation? When you say you don't want to 'go the legal route' because he does not have the money- you are setting yourself up for a WORLD of trouble for yourself and your daughter.
You want her to be as happy and secure in her life as possible, right? Then do NOT shortchange her- safeguard her interests by setting up a regular child support payment through the state disbursement unit. Even if he doesn't make much money or works as a musician or artist or something like that, he makes SOMETHING, and a fair share of that should support his child. Also, hate to say it, but maybe this responsibility will help HIM to be more responsible too. He controls what happens to him- not you.
This issue has NOTHING to do with you or your ex or your personal feelings about each other. It is about what is best for your daughter. Please, please trust me on this one.
I, and other divorced moms I know, have gone the 'friendly' route - only to see our kids get shortchanged time and time again. Don't make the same mistake!!!
Supporting his child is a father's responsibility, PERIOD. Don't take on guilt here for him- you have to be responsible to your child FIRST Corrine- not your ex, no matter how bad you feel about things. If he truly is a good dad, he will feel the same and won't pressure you not to 'go the legal route'. Your daughter comes FIRST now, not him.
3) This too shall pass. Right now, everything is super hard and heated and miserable. I have totally been there. But- IT DOES GET BETTER. Honestly and truly. You have family and friends who love and care about you and your daughter and they will help you. You are a strong, smart mommy who wants what is best for your little girl and you can get that and take care of yourself too!
Even things with your ex will get EASIER. It will never be how it was before. But remember- you are not a couple anymore- but you will ALWAYS be the parents of your little girl and can keep that in mind and make choices that are best for her.
Almost 5 years now, since my divorce. We had some tight times, etc. but now his dad is remarried and I am engaged to a WONDERFUL, responsible man who has a great relationship with my son! He also gets along with his stepmother and although we will never all be best friends, we are polite and support each other as parents and meet for soccer games and school concerts and it is all fine.
I got a better job, my fiancee and I bought a house in a great school district and my son and I moved out of our one-bedroom apartment (I had been sleeping in the living room for almost 3 years!). My son is a gifted student, loves his pet dogs and guinea pig and is a terrific, happy kid.
I NEVER would have thought all that could happen when I first left my husband. But we are all so much better off now. Be brave and think of your daughter and you can be too. Good luck and God Bless!