Just Need Advice - Lindsay,OK

As much as you wish your ex would treat his adopted son as a son, there's little you can do to force it. And given what you know, are you sure you want to entrust your son to his care even if he would take him for visits?

You might try Big Brothers. I have some friends who do the program, and think it's been very helpful for their sons.

Good luck to you.

Hi K.,
My heart goes out to you and your kids.
My husband adopted my two daughters; as their biological father left them several years ago. He adopted them 4 years ago. I am still with my husband and I have been blessed in many ways.
Your son that he adopted, he took on the responsiblity when he adopted him. It is not right for him to only see your 9 year old. I, personally, would let him know that he has two children and not one. I would also let him know that he did, in front of judge, claim that child to be his. He has a legal obligation to him. I would contact your lawyer and ask for advise on ways to handle this. I can understand that you wouldn't want to force him onto him. It is awful that he would do such a thing to an innocent child, especially one who has special needs.
I don't know if you are a woman of faith, but I would look deep into yourself and ask the Lord for guidance in this hard time. Not always are the answers shown clearly, but he will guide you! Listen to your heart.

I will keep your family in my prayers. Keep your head up and be strong.

Take Care,
F. M.
Olathe, KS

Wow. I don't even know where to start. I am so sorry for you and your boys for what this man is putting you through. In a legal sense, he is legally obligated to be a father in every sense of the term to both of your sons. However, with your older son needing extra care, I wouldn't trust your ex with him. Honestly, I would try talking to a lawyer and explaining the situation. That their father doesn't provide equal care for them both, which is essentailly what he agreed to do when he adopted you oldest. See if anything can be done to restrict his visits for awhile, because he isn't doing the right thing for either of the boys by showing favoritism. However, he isn't giving your younger son the right kind of attention if he comes home and hits his brother. He is heartlessly mistreating your older son with his actions, and getting hateful with him. Do what you can to stand up for both boys and be the influence they need to show them that they both deserve to be treated the same by both parents. I wish you and your boys the best of luck.

Wow, what a difficult situation...I really feel for you and your boys. Your ex didn't just make a legal covenant to take care of your oldest son, but he also made a moral and emotional one and it's really heartbreaking that he's turned his back on him. Of course there isn't anything you can do or say to change your ex and his feelings toward your oldest son, but I will pray for you that the Holy Spirit brings him around to realize how his actions are affecting a young BOY and that he needs to be a responsible caring ADULT regardless of his feelings for you and the result of your relationship. It's hard when two people get divorced to take the higher road for the sake of the children, even if one parent is willing you still need the commitment of both parents to put their differences aside and focus on working as a team to raise and support the children. Obviously it's not the kids fault that mom and dad split up and quite frankly they shouldn't have to pay the price and have their lives turned upside down anymore then what is inevitable in divorce (moving, new schools, switching between homes, etc...)
I can't understand why your youngest comes home and hits his brother. You have to put a stop to that immediately, whether it's taking away privileges or giving him extra chores for being disrespectful and mean, he needs to know that under no circumstance is that tolerable. Do you think his dad is telling him things about his brother that would make him think he is allowed to hit him? I only ask because you said he hits when he gets home from visits with dad. If you suspect that you need to talk with dad, and if that doesn't resolve the issue suspend visits for awhile. Yes, it would be "bad" for your youngest not to get to see his dad but it is "worse" if he's being fed bad information from dad and poor behavior is allowed as a result.
I really feel for you. It's so hard to be a single parent and although I'm lucky enough to have a husband that willingly performs his daddy duties, my heart always goes out to those parents who are doing it alone. I couldn't imagine having to raise my two kids by myself. It would take so much courage, patience and energy-and you are to be commended for giving the best you can to your two boys.

ok here it is....my sons father lost his rights due to lack of interest in his son (who is now 12), and my then boyfriend signed his birth certificate, then after a few years and a lot of drama and us breaking up and bla bla bla, he signed off his rights and my husband adopted him....so then my son was 10 and had been disowned by 2 fathers already. He searched to find himself, but he did, now after all this time 12 years his bio dad came back into his life and now has frequent visits with him. My advice would be DO NOT SEND THAT CHILD WITH ANYONE WHO DOES NOT WANT TO SPEND QUALITY FULFILLING TIME WITH HIM!!!!! Does he have grandparents he can go visit, or can you spend some extra time with him during the times he is supposed to be with his LEGAL ADOPTED FATHER???? How is his bio dad? Did he sign off because lack of desire, or not wanting to pay child support? You will already get child support from his adopted father shall you pursue it, so you should see if his bio dad wants to be in his life child support free!!!! Even if it is supervised visits it would still be a male model in his life...just make sure that is a good idea before going any further with it!!!! Good Luck and please know that I have been there, and wish you the best!
T.

K., My heart goes out to you and your children. My First husband also adopted my oldest. When he and I divorced he didn't treat the girls,5 and 3 at the time, any different but his mom was a real witch. She was part of our problems the whole time he and I were married. When my girls would go with him for the weekend they went to her house because my ex moved in with his parents. His mom would dress my oldest one in old raggedy 2 sizes too small clothes. One day she stopped doing it. I don't remember why she finally stopped doing it. You can't make your ex do the right thing. Have you asked your youngest son why he treats his brother the way he does? Maybe your ex is bad mouthing your oldest and if that is the case maybe there is something your lawyer can do about it.

ok I have had a problem like this, My ex treated my oldest who is his child great when are youngest who is his child also wuz born. She wuz born with a rare medical condition. He treated her different than my oldest. He would not old her do anything for her. So I told him that they are treated equal or if he does not want to then he can not see either. Cause it wuz causing problems between my daughters. I would not stand for it. So he left and has not seen them since. Now my kids get along great and do not evan miss there birth father. Please choose wisely cause being treated diferent will effect your chilren's relationship for life. And your oldest could grow envy and hatred towards your youngest and so with your youngest to the oldest. Sounds like to me it is already on it way. I hope the best for you and your family.

K.,

It sounds like you've been having a hard time right now. You can't enforce visitation like you can child support so even if your ex has visitation priviledges and doesn't use them well that's his loss.

Don't look at it as you're letting your oldest boy down because 2 men have abandoned him. Have lovely weekends with him on your own.

When the youngest get aggressive you have to step in. A clear rule like NO HITTING KICKING OR SPITTING should be posted in the house and if he comes in and does these things then he needs to be punished. Going to his father's is a priviledge you can take away from him and you must do that. Call your ex and tell him that's the rule and this will be the punishment. If your ex is encouraging this in anyway he'll protest and threaten so you simply tell him he has to set a good example and he also has to counsel his child to keep his hands, feet and spit to himself. Otherwise you can simply have his visitation suspended. You don't have to have proof of any inpropriety to have it suspended you just have to petition for it. It's up to him to prove him self innocent of inciting abusive behavior.

Now on the other hand, you also have to make sure that your older boy isn't making comments that would cause him to be thumped on. Jealous comments often provoke physical aggression. Teach him the 4 rules I gave you in the other post.

I think a little family counseling will go a long way as well. See if there's a Family and Children's Services office or clinic near you. They offer sliding scale sessions and Soonercare will often pick up the tab if you have it.

One last thought. Make sure you spend 20 minutes a day alone with each of the boys, no tv, not in the car, just you and he talking or playing--even reading or going over home work. Then when your ex says something remind him that without his financial support you have to work 3 times as hard to make the same money then tell him to kiss off.