Just Bummed About Dropping Kiddo off with Dad

I've been thinking about you since your other post about this visit.

I know it's so hard. Here's the only way I know to get through it: understand that we make stronger kids when they don't have everything so easy. It's okay, in the long run (though very hard in the short run), when they learn to deal with disappointment and imperfection in others. The challenge is to get them to talk about it, ask them to verbalize their feelings, and separate out someone else's undesirable behavior from the child's own worth as a person. So sometimes dads and moms and grandparents do dumb or hurtful stuff, but it's their problem and not an indication of a major flaw in the child. The other thing is that kids go through phases when not everything bothers them the same way it did a year ago or will a year or two in the future. Try really hard not to project your own frustration onto you child - he may not be as annoyed with certain things as you are. Sometimes an occasional "good time Dad" can be okay without the pressure of regular visits. If he's not crazy about the grandparents (especially the grandfather, if I recall correctly), then it may be a blessing that they live far away and your child doesn't have to deal with them often. And you'll be spared the tough times a lot of single moms face every other weekend when they have to make a child go visit the parent they don't love being with.

We have to teach our kids to deal with other people's shortcomings or bad habits without it crushing them. In fact, long term, it makes them more resilient. There's no perfect childhood - everybody's got something they need to deal with. This is your reality - if you can come to terms with it, and try to fill your own day with something rewarding or productive instead of just being miserable with worry over the time your child is having, you'll do better as well. My husband has an impossible ex, so I understand - but the worry and the anger winds up eating you up and doesn't do a thing to the other person!

Yes, been there, done that. I used to have to send my 5 year old on the plane alone to visit his father. I can recall vomiting with anxiety before I had to get him to the airport. Don't know how I managed to drive him there.

I know that no contact would have been easier on me, but not necessarily better for my son. It was hard on my son to have a father he rarely saw, but in the long run, it's good for kids to have a relationship with their birth father, assuming he's not total scum.

It sucks when they don't have the kind of father they should have had, but some visits with the father are ultimately better than none.

ETA: Good advice from Diane, and if your son brings up emotional issues about this, the best thing you can do is listen and mirror his emotions. Don't try to fix it, because you can't. It is what it is. So when son says, "I'm sad that dad...(whatever)," all you can really say is, "Yes, that's sad when (whatever). I'm sorry." Hug. Trying to say something to make it better will not be helpful. Just encourage him, when he brings it up, to express his emotions about his father.

Been there - doing that and it never really gets easier. Rationally, I know its good for them spending time with their dad and that they WANT to and he wants to spend time with them. I just wish it wasn't at my expense.

I miss out on the whole summer, not just a few days. Try to take some time for yourself and even acknowledge the grief and sadness in missing him, but don't dwell on it the entire time. I do think that sporadic is better than no contact though. My kids had set times during the year to see their dad b/c he moved to another state. I got all the tears and sadness of their missing him. There was a time when I would get angry with him holding my children sobbing b/c they missed their dad and knowing there was not a thing I could do about it. I learned to appreciate the tears b/c they only shared them with me. Their dad will never get that kind of a relationship with them.

Try not to just sit at home the whole time - I get it I really do.

My mom said when my sister and I were going for our visits with our dad, she tried to have chores, projects and events planned.

This helped her get through missing and worrying about us.

What do you need to get done while your son is gone? What project have you wanted to do, but have not had time? Who are the friends you have not seen in a while? What book have you been dying to read, maybe a movie?

Take advantage of this time. Your son needs to see his dad and he needs to know you are going to be just fine because you have "boring" plans that he hates being dragged to or helping with.

I have not been through this specifically.
I just wanted to mention Emotion Coaching to you.
Google it. It might really help to get your sons perspective on this visit/father/relationship.
Good luck--hang in there!

Think of positive things. Think and pray that all will go well with the visit.

When the visit is over, your son may decide he does not want to see his dad in person and only skype or something.

Remember this is about father and son and their relationship and not you and the dad or the inlaws.

Have a good week and I will keep you in my thoughts that all goes well for you.

the other S.