L.D.
Hi Ilia,
First, I am so so sorry for the loss of your son. I can't even imagine what that must have been like for you. You are a courageous woman to be looking to the future - that takes more strength than you probably realize.
I, too, have found myself struggling with desires for baby #2. Last September, I had an early miscarriage and have been unable to conceive again since. My initial reaction was, of course, to try and get pregnant again right away. Unfortunatetly, my body was not cooperating. After 6 or 7 months of trying and failing, I started to fall into a depression. I found myself wallowing in self-pity and wondering what was wrong with me and my body. I struggled for control and became so focused on trying to get pregnant that my whole life began revolving around it. It seemed that's all I could think about, read about or talk about. I would build my hopes up every month, thinking "this month will be the one!" Then my spirits would come crashing down the day my period arrived and I would cry for hours and hours. I was on an emotional roller coaster and the only way I thought I could get off of it was to get myself pregnant. It was putting a strain on my marriage, my friendships, and my self-esteem.
The final blow for me came the day my best friend told me she was pregnant with her second baby. She got pregnant the first month she went off birth control and began trying. This news threw me even further into my depression. I couldn't eat or sleep. I was so wrought with emotion, I couldn't see or think clearly - my thoughts were all over the place. I was happy for her! But was also angry with her - I am ashamed to admit I even had thoughts of "how could she do this to me?" Then, of course, I carried tremendous guilt for having had these feelings. And I beat myself up internally for clearly being a bad friend. I was mad at God and the world for treating me so unfairly. I didn't understand - what had I done to deserve this? What was wrong with me? Why was this happening to me??
It's true what they say - it's always darkest before the dawn. It was in this moment that I realized something had to change. My desire to become pregnant had taken over. It had begun to overshadow all of the things that made my life so wonderful as it was. I have a terrific husband and the most beautiful 2 1/2 year old daughter. I have awesome friends, and a great best friend whom I was neglecting. I have a home that I love, family that I adore, a thriving business, an active social calendar - and a life that I realized suited me just perfectly as-is. Once I began really taking stock in these things, I realized - if this is all that I ever have, than I'm ok with that. In fact, I am more than ok - I'm actually happy!!
It didn't happen overnight, but once I started to accept the possibility that I might never become pregnant again, the world opened up to me. I actually started having fun again! I started sharing in my best friend's baby joy as I should! I began truly treasuring all the moments I'm blessed to have with my daughter as I watch her grow. I returned to enjoying long talks with my husband over glasses of wine, having discussions that revolved around things like politics and sports, not pregnancy and my menstrual cycle. I began to embrace all of the things I can do with my daughter and relished the fact that she can continue to have my undivided attention. I have nourished our bond and have made it stronger with each passing day that she remains my only child. In essence, I relieved myself of the pressures to have two children, and started imagining where my life would go should I only have one. I realized that my future is pretty bright - with or without baby #2.
I'm not sure if any of this is helping or giving you any hope! But I can tell you that for me, remembering there is so much more to who I am than just being a mom is what saved me from my own struggle with this issue. I would, of course, still love to have a second child - and I haven't given up trying. But I've stopped basing my whole life around it. I've started focusing on the things I can control - the type of wife that I am, the kind of mother that I am, and the kind of friend that I am. I don't know how long I'll be lucky enough to live on this Earth, and if I die tomorrow I want to have loved living the life that I have instead of wishing for a life that I don't.
Best of luck to you!! And keep this in mind - we are always where we are supposed to be. You are being prepared for the next great thing! And life wants us to enjoy the ride : )