Joint Custody

Get over it! It is just an excuse to pounce! Does anyone have any control over invisible viruses lingering around anywhere at anytime, attacking children who do not have immunity? If you think you do, patent it, and enjoy being retired for the rest of your life. T. B

I can't imagine feeling anything but pure astonishment if someone told me to keep my child from getting sick. I doubt that the mom is planning illnesses to torment you. If you were in her shoes, you might discover that young kids catch whatever is going around unless you isolate them completely from other kids and most adults. If this child goes to daycare or school, or plays with her neighbors, how could she not get sick?

Rather than hope for something that's unlikely to happen in the real world, my inclination would be to teach the little girl (how old is she?) basic hygiene: to wash her hands often and thoroughly, to not put toys in her mouth, to sneeze or cough into her sleeve or down her collar and to try to avoid others who are sneezing and coughing. That won't be much protection at this age, but it is a move toward healthy habits.

A plus of frequent illnesses in young kids is that their immune systems are developing a stockpile of defenses against all sorts of infectious agents. Kids who get exposed to everything while young get sick less often by the time they start school.

So give the mom the benefit of the doubt. It's unlikely that she has any control over what this child is exposed to.

Point blank: It's ludicris to be arguing about a child being sick.

[scratching my head in puzzlement] The question I would ask is what exactly would you like the mother to do, or to refrain from doing, to remedy the situation? Because if you don't have a very valid, objective opinion/suggestion, how would you imagine the conversation to go? Kids DO get sick, and I can't imagine that the mother is deliberately exposing her daughter to people with weird contagious viruses just in time for her to visit with her father. I just don't see how that conversation would have a prayer of being productive no matter WHO initiates it . . . but I tend to think the girl's mother would be less-than-thrilled to have her ex's current girlfriend criticize her parenting skills. That could permanently sour any hope you might have of developing a productive relationship with her in the future.

Hello,
Is the split between the two parents recent? I went thru the same thing when I met Mike and his 2 boys. Looking back now nothing was truly serious but there was ALWAYS something to discuss health wise. I would say you should have him talk if that is the route you go, but I suggest just sucking it up and hopefully as time goes by this type stuff will fade away. When I first met Mike the ex was calling him atleast once everyweek and now they never talk, only when needed thru e-mail. If this relationship of yours is new, you will end up in a screaming match if you decide to talk to her. Remember kids do get sick and even if you think the mom is somehow exaggerating things I would leave it be and wait it out. Our relationship with the ex is terrible, we never talk, but she hates Mike and that's the way she wants it to be so we try not to make waves and after 12 years I would finally say that it is what it is and it is not going to get any better no matter how hard I try to make it better. As the significant others there really isnt anything that we can do except take good care of the kids while they are with us. I hate to say it but my advice is to just: suck it up! I know it is hard.

Try to look at it this way: Atleast she is trusting you guys to take care of her kid when she is sick and not saying you cant have her this weekend she is ill!

Best of luck to ya!

R.,
I understand your frustration, I would be too, but you're right, it's not your place to say anything. My suggestion is when the child is ill, ask what you can do while she is in your care to make her more comfortable.
Your significant other also needs to understand that his relationship with her mother no matter how strained it is needs to be as friendly as possible. It has a direct effect on the child. (Been the child myself. It's awful.) That also might be part of the reason why this child is ill all the time.
There's no easy answer except try to get along and make the child more comfortable. (Special blanket or stuffed animal, favorite soup or food, favorite DVD or TV show, etc...)
Best wishes to you.

You don't mention how often and the duration of the little girl's visits are. If she sees her dad every other weekend and she is ill each time, she's not a healthy child. As much as your significant other doesn't want to have the conversation, one needs to happen with regards to what's going on. Check to see if the parenting plan allows him to take her to her physician to get her checked out or to have knowledge of what's happening with her health. When you say she can't participate in any of the activities in your community, what kind of community do you live in that would prevent a child from participating? what do you consider a health issue? could be she has allergies and a runny nose is not communicable in that instance. If she's that ill that she can't participate, then maybe she should stay with her Mom until she's able to come and interact with Dad in his community. Again, take a close look at the parenting plan. See what responsibilities your significant other has when it ocmes to healthcare and what type of notification he should be receiving and giving when it comes to her health and wellbeing. It is your place to ask her Mom what you need to do to make sure that she has continuity of care when in the custody of her Dad and you. There is nothing wrong with calling a couple of days in advance of her visit to see how she's doing and what you need to be prepared for. And if she's only coming for the weekend, the amount of time available for her to spend with her Dad is very limited, don't put her in a daycare. If this is truly a shared custody arrangement 50-50, then by all means get her to a doctor to find out why this little girl is chronically ill and what can be done for her.

Significant others need to stay out of it. It will work better if the father of the child and the mother of the child work out these problems.

The father would probably benefit by brushing up on communication skills and learn to just focus on the issue at hand. Doesn't respond to his ex when she brings up any other subject. I find that often a minute of silence with no response eliminates or lessons the arguing. There is a web site that another mother has cited about non-confrontrational communication. This may help. If that poster doesn't send the address I think that you can find it by googling it with those words.

What may help is if and your significant other vent long before he makes the call. Then you support him in what he has to say in a positive way. It will help if he's thought of some specific non-confrontational ways to word his concerns while stating that he's not being critical but is wondering if there is some way that both families can prevent illnesses.

If they can't work it out, I agee that it may be best to just let it go if the illnesses aren't serious.

You didn't say in what way she is ill. You and your significant other may be able to figure some things out based on the symptoms and timing.

How long does the daughter stay with her mother? Is it possible that the daughter was exposed while at your house but didn't become ill until she was with her mother?

Does the other household also have small children? Does she go to daycare while with her mother? Are there other small children in your household? How is the health of the other children in her daycare?

Have you talked with her pediatrician to find out if she is ill significantly more often than the usual child her age. Have you taken her to the doctor to have any of her illness' diagnosed and documented?

What age is the daughter? If she's young, ie; baby, toddler, in preschool, kindergarten, 1st or 2nd grade I can tell you by experience that those ages have a tendency to come down with everything around. Their own immune system may not be fully functioning and they have lost most or all of the immunity that their mother had provided during pregnancy.

Also, there are new bugs coming around all the time. During my first year of teaching and my first few years as a police officer I was frequently ill with a fever and to the point of incapacitation. They were usually upper respiratory infections; more than a cold. After several years and being frutrated the doctor decided to remove my tonsils. This noticeably improved my health. There are several reasons that a child could be sick more often than another child would be. A new or different environment is the most common reason because the environment as bacteria and viruses that are also new. It takes time to find the cause(s).

Usually it is to a child's advantage to be ill in the early years because this helps their system to provide immunity for later years. Once their immunity is built up they have more left to fight the new bugs.

I have experience with my grandchildren and my daughter's grandchildren. They are freqently ill with a runny nose. The only reasons for exclusion from daycare and school are a fever of over 99 (I think that's the cut off)and must be fever free for 24 hours and have vomited in the last 24 hours or if they have a contagious rash as determined by the doctor or the school. They are also sometimes excluded if the mucous in thick and green or yellow.

My granddaughter has eczema and frequently has a rash that doesn't necessarily look like eczema. She's gone to school with it and no one questioned it. Pink eye is another concern. When my granddaughter's eyes looked infected the pediatrician said it was a response to allergies. She went to school. Perhaps the daycare as well as those involved in other activities would not be concerned if you had a diagnosis from the doctor.

You called them weird viruses. To me that indicates that the illness is different than that caused by an ordinary virus. If the virus is unusual than she does need to be seen by a doctor.

Allergies might be another possibility. She may be allergic to something in her mother's environment that you don't have in yours. Allergies also can weaken the immune system.

Who makes the decision about staying home? Since you haven't given her symptoms is it possible that you and her father are overly cautions? Perhaps the daycare would take her if they saw her?

You mention your community. I wonder what you mean when you say she cannot participate in some activities? What is their criteria? Is it reasonable given the activity?

Again, if the father and mother can't peacefully work it out I agree that it's best to just let it go. If the illness is serious or chronic then you do need to take his daughter to the doctor who can help you to determine if any neglect is going on. But then you would have to prove neglect which is tricky to do before you could possibly win in a custory hearing. Another reason to let go.

And the tension and fighting is hard on his daughter too. Anxiety can decrease the ability of the immune system to work. If she is hearing about this issue in both homes then both homes need to stop talking about it. You and your significant other can only control your own home. But you can influence her mother's home by not discussing it with her. Let the negative feelings die. It probably will take many months and maybe many years. The sooner you start the sooner the tension will ease.

Speaking of building up immunity, you could try giving her probiotics and vitamins. Does she have a healthy diet at your house? This should carry her thru at her mother's house. A good person to talk with concerning frequently illnes is a naturopath. They are more tuned into the environment and natural treatments.

R.-

Many of us out there know what you are going through when it comes to the ex-wifes. My husband has a complete psycho for one. You and your significant other need to talk about this together. Together is the key. The both of you need to come up with a plan of action together. But he needs to be the one to confront her about this issue and any other issues. No matter what you have to say the ex will be unwilling to listen to it. No matter if you are right or not. Let him "deal" with her. Good luck.

I have to caution that you, and others responding to this question, please try to remember to honor the mother of this child as most likely doing the best she can with a difficult situation. Although you will obviously see things from your perspective, this child is the product of TWO people who were once in love and quite often the one left holding the bag is the mother--who also gets dumped on and misrepresented by BOTH her ex-husband, who doesn't want to see himself as part of the problem, and the second wife, who naturally wants to see her own family in a positive light, sometimes tending to be blind to the husband's piece in the problem.

You have mentioned lice and impetigo--and you have put it as if it is somehow the mother's fault that she has these things. Yet, you also mention that they are highly contagious--as they truly are--and that she is not allowed in daycare with them. There is a reason for that!! It is because most of the time, that is exactly where the child gets them!

So, knowing what it is to deal with those things in your own home, since the step-daughter has come with them at times, you probably can ALSO imagine what it might be like to try to deal with it as the only adult. To me, the only thing going on that is wrong on the mother's part is that she is not apparently communicating with you before hand, or offering to keep her daughter while she is contagious.

Which brings me back to...how would she be treated by your husband (her ex-husband, remember...try to keep empathy for the likelihood that she was not the only one at fault in the breakup of their marriage) or by you if she asked to keep her daughter during his scheduled visitation times? Is she afraid to ask? What about your willingness or your husband's willingness to treat her with respect as you discuss how to handle the situation as three adults with a child in need.

I do not mean to make assumptions that you are treating her badly. I just want to ask you to honestly take a good look at both your and your husband's approach to working with her--do you both tend to look down on her (as you seem to communicate with your words) or do you respect her as a mother who is doing her best and who is ultimately a sister in trying to raise a child who was fathered by a man you both have loved?

Sorry if this comes off wrong. It's just that I have been the mother who has the children most of the time, takes nearly all the responsibility, and then had to sometimes send my children off to their father's home where the environment was not only hostile to me but nobody was willing to collaborate on care if one of them had an illness or other problem. Try to see it from the other person's perspective, figure out what is going on with the communication, and work from there.

I have been a stepmother for approximately six years now in a joint custody situation. My suggestion in this case would be for you to go with your instinct rather than what you would "like" to do, because it sounds like your gut is giving you the right feelings. The situations in which any sort of stepparent or significant other stepping into the middle of a blended family situation and managing to improve things are few and far between; the vast majority of the time, the two bio-parents will have the greatest chance of managing to communicate well. If the two of them are fighting about this already, as in your case, adding direct imput from someone who the mother has no direction connection or incentive to work with into the mix is almost sure to inflame the situation. I agree with some of the other advice to try to find ways to encourage the child to change their behaviors in ways that might make them more healthy in general, and hopefully those behaviors will become a part of their routine in both homes.

I imagine the mom feels bad about it already, and in talking with her I would stay way clear of anything that she could possibly interpret as blame or accusation. It seems highly unlikely that she is doing anything to make her daughter sick, but if you have any reason to believe she is, someone should say something to her. I don't know how bad the relationship between her and your partner is, she may not be open to any concerns at all from him but may be more open to hearing from you? maybe you could help him soften his approach with her. And yes, generally I'd say it wouldn't be your place to talk with her, unless you have better rapport with her than your husband does, and sometimes women are more open to talking with women (unless of course she blames you for taking him away from her or something). Maybe if you approach her with lots of appreciation for her mothering and asking her to let you know what you can do to help her daughter in general, she might be open to more communication from you. Have you taken her to the doctor yourselves? (asking her first if that would be ok). It can be challenging being a stepmom, especially in a situation like this. Remember she's the mom, and, like all moms, is doing the best she knows how, and needs lots of support and encouragement rather than criticism. Good luck!

I have read a lot of the other responses. I have to agree with the fact that you cannot keep a child from getting sick. And as a mom being told not to get a child sick is very frustrating. My son has stomach issues and has missed a lot of school, thus the BECCA bill has been a threat I receive every year. Because I keep him home if he is throwing up.
Anyway, There are a couple of concerns that I have.
First I would ask are these true illnesses, or things the mother tells you? Do you go to the Dr to get it confirmed? How often is this child truly sick? If you get weekly visits then that seams a little high. Is there something else wrong with the child and their immune system? Is this child taking vitamins?
I hate to say it, but there are mom's that thrive off of getting their children sick. There is a mental illness called munchenhousins (spelling ?) by proxy. With this illness you get people sick, so that you can take care of them. Or so that you get the attention from them being sick.

If you honestly think it is something that the mother is doing, then journal the events every day. W either or not the child is in your home. This way there is a record of what is going on. Take the child to the Dr and get their input.

But keep in mind that kids are kids, and that they have no issue with eating bugs and mud pies. Kids don't wash their hands, and play with other kids thus getting everyone sick.

You did not say how old the child is. Age does play a significant role in how well a child deals with various viruses, as well as personal hygiene, nutrition, genetics, and a myriad of other factors. Your concern, as a significant other, is to ensure that you both take the best possible care of this child when she is with you.

My husband's daughter (he and the mother separated when she was 4 months old and I was already in the picture) frequently arrived with the customary Amoxycillin with alarming regularity. The frequency dropped off as she got older; it was very frusttrating to watch the child arrive with multiple sicknesses (bi-lateral ear infections, swelling of the glands, a high fever). My husband's frustration grew, but his temper did not reflect that when he talked to her. Unfortunately, his ex is also a hypochondriac and was somewhat backwards with some of her concerns.

To give you an idea of the mother's backwardness, she often rushed to the doctor for a fever that just showed up, but ignored the infection and crusting from her earrings. Oddly enough, when I found blood in her diaper, the mother's response was "it's not a big deal". It turned out to not be a big deal, but anytime there's blood in a baby's diaper, it is worthy of a doctor's visit. And when we determined that she might have chicken pox, her mother's response was "it's about time".

Being the significant other, it was not my place to confront the mother. It is hard to stand there and listen to your mate have these conversations, but the mother is not going to stand for your opinion. It doesn't matter how many children you have or will have. It doesn't matter if you grew up with 75 siblings and cared for many from a young age. It doesn't matter if you are the leading expert on child-rearing or illnesses. What matters to her is that you are there and what your impact is on her child. Take my advice and keep your frustration to a minimum.

Your significant other, on the other hand, needs to remember what type of a personality the mother is. And he needs to bend over backwards to be as non-confrontational as possible while still calmly and firmly relaying his concerns (again not easy for either of you, but will pay off in the long run). My husband's ex-wife would rather discuss things with me than him now. This began about 5 years ago, so there is hope.

Sorry it's so long.... I hope this helps.

Hey, I know how it is. If there is anyway that you could contact the Daycare and ask the director of the center to explain to her it would be better. I personally would let your husband take care of it. It is hard to stand by when you feel that you could explain things better, unfortunetly, it usually backfires and the husband gets the raps for it.

good luck

Dear R.

Joint custody is an impossible solution to a failed marriage with children. You are part of the problem. If you live in such a restrictive community move to one where the child can participate when not in perfect health. You might have the wrong daycare. Think about what you can do on your end. YOU CANNOT CHANGE THE BIOLOGICAL MOTHER.
Your tenure as the other mother may be on limited time too. Most marriages last four years.

My suggestion is to stay out of this as it is not your business.This is between him and his ex and this is what you will be dealing with for the next some odd years. Bottom line it is not your business, you are not the childs mother and you don't want to get between the two , I know this sounds harsh but it is direct and honest.

I understand better now. If you have a reasonable past relationship with her you can offer help to broach the conversation. It takes some tact but usualy the worst you'll get is anoyance. You may find that she does need something but your other must learn to comminucate for the sake of the child.

How old is the child? Maybe you can teach the child to wash her hands after going to the bathroom, before eating, etc. etc. Many times virus' are spread b/c of that. I don't know if you can do much more than that. Maybe you can ask about what time the child goes to bed too? She may not be getting enough sleep...just an idea. It seems like it is too much out of your hands to me. Or....you could possibly say, we can't take care of her if she is sick, then maybe the mom would do something? Who knows.

R.

Boy do I feel for you. I also have a step-child. I first met him when he was three. His dad and I are now married and he is 9 years old now. The first year of our relationship, was a difficult one. I do remember one incident similar to yours when my husbands son came home to us with head lice! Talk about infuriating and embarassing. We had to call the preschool and let them know so they could check the other kids. I don't know how long you have been together but it took me about 2 years before I decided that Yes it was my place to speak to his mom about concerns I had. After all, when he is here I am the one who takes care of him while my husband is at work. His mother and I realize that we are going to be a part of each others lives for a very long time. And it is very important to keep the line of communication open. When you speak to her just try and come across as concerned. Don't attack! But do get to the point. No matter how uncomfortable you may feel speaking to her about this, just remember that this is not about you or her for that matter, it's about your daughter and her well being. Tell her mother that you have been noticing that everytime she comes back from her house she seems to be sick. Suggest, maybe there is something in the house i.e. mold, allergens that might be causing these flare-ups. Ask if her or the other children (if any) are getting sick too?. That way you are showing that you are concerned not only for your step-daughters welbeing but the mothers as well. Just try it. You don't know how the conversation or outcome will go until you try. Remember you are doing this for the child. Good Luck!

You do have a right to say something if you care for the child at all. It's sad however that her father can not get through to the mother. I have to ask how many times this has happen and have you kept a diary of it? If the child is always sick and you have her every other weekend then maybe someone should look into how she is taken care of when she is with her mother. If you try, as the real mother, I know I would be angry that you would question my mothering. No you should have someone else look into this for you and your significant. For the girls wellbeing. Hope I was helpful.