Jealousy Issues

I realize that a lot can be misunderstood, misrepresented and misinterpreted when it's a story posted online. But when I read this I see red flags of control, not jealousy (friends, family, work and now kids??). And all I can think is that any time a man - regardless of how long my history or how much I love him, starts to interfere with my relationship with my children, it's time to seriously reevaluate my relationship with him. If he can't get his act together and grow up, it'd be time for me to say "Bye Bye". End of story for me.

Consider this.. he said he changed a lot... ok.. well, if you believe that actions speak louder than words... then apparently, he hasn't changed that much.... this is a RED FLAG alert....... people show you who they are via action not words...... or they back their words up with action... sounds like he hasn't done this.....

He is reverting back to his old ways of jealousy and control issues, even after a 3 year break. I would be saying bye bye and moving on for good, you have wasted plenty of time. Does he also have commitment issues, why do his daughters avoid him? It all makes me wonder.

Update based on your added info: You've been back with him for about a year and it was 4 or 5 months ago that he started this again... that means, for the entirety of your 10-year relationship, he acted non-jealous and non-controlling for NO MORE than 8 months.... changed? Not likely.

Original: Sounds like the kids are growing into young adults, moving more into a friend relationship than a strictly mom-child relationship and in his mind they're just like the rest of the people he's driven out of your life - just someone else to divide your time between.

I get that you've been with him 10 years, but my advice would be to RUN as far and as fast as you can away from him and this relationship.

It's not healthy - separating you from friend, family, and work... NOT OKAY. NOT HEALTHY. NOT NORMAL.

And then to move onto your kids...

Here's the question - how much are you willing to give up with your kids to stay in this relationship? Because I guarantee that he views them the same way he views his own daughters - they're not in his life and he probably couldn't care less. What's he going to care if your kids aren't in his life or yours?

At some point he's going to push this to a point to where your kids will separate themselves from him and, ultimately, from you, to maintain their own mental health. What will you do then?

Dump him.

That's the only advice I have, because it's the only advice I feel is appropriate.

DUMP THAT MAN! Your children will outlast him and your relationship with them and raising them well to adulthood is absolutely the top priority.
His daughters want nothing to do with him. Ask yourself if he was Chester the Molester.
I can never figure out why a man is so important to a woman that she will put her children at risk emotionally or physically to "have" him.

This is classic abuser behavior. They isolate you from everyone, and then you're a target. GET OUT NOW. You and your children don't need this. It is dangerous. Do not go back to him again. He has not and will not change.

No, it's SO not normal. He's shown this with friends and your kids. There is no way he'll ever love your kids if he's jealous of them. Are you willing to settle for that, and the turmoil it will cause if you continue to see him? Quite honestly, your kids come first.

Big. Red. Flags.

When kids want nothing to do with their father... HUGE. Run!!!

I see some red flags here:

*He doesn't see his girls, is it for a good reason? I don't know what a good reason would be, a man should be involved with his children. I would be concerned. You have known his children since they were 7 and 10.
*A man that is jealous of your children after having problems with friends and family. Not a good guy in my book.
*Is it really cuddling or just hanging out and watching TV together?
*A "boyfriend" for ten years?? Is he a husband on the installment plan?

No, this doesn't seem normal to me at all. The controlling behavior and alienating friends and family wouldn't work for me. Do you have other children as well?

I would always put my daughter first, fortunately it hasn't come to this. I have just made the decision ahead of time what I will accept.

Ten years? This man/boy should have been dropped like a bad habit long ago. The fact that his own children want nothing to do with him, speaks volumes.

If it's your house, kick him to the curb. If it's his house, take what is yours, get yourself and your kids out of there ASAP!

Question: Why have you been with the guy so long? Kid's come first!

Blessings...

Life is too short for you to have to be with someone who acts this way! 10 years is more than enough time, it's time to put you and your kids first and get rid of him. I highly doubt you will ever be as fully happy if you stay with this guy, you and your kids deserve better and there are PLENTY of other fish in the sea.

Sounds like your boyfriend might be jealous of your relationship with your kids (considering he doesn't have one with his).

Personally, if I were dating someone who threw fits because I was spending time with my kids, I'd kick his butt to the curb.

Sit him down and talk with him about why this bothers him so much. See what he wants to do to work through this jealousy. Make sure you're spending time with him as well, so he can't say you don't spend time with him. If he wants you to quit spending time with your kids though, I'd draw the line and say that's not happening.

Good Luck!
*hugs*

The boyfriend sounds like an immature and unstable JERK! Whatever you do, dont let him interfere with your relationship with your kids. They come first - always and forever. Sounds like you have a good relationship with them so dont let him fool you with his mind games into changing that with his child like temper tantrums. You need to have a very plain talk with him about this behavior and if he cant acknowledge it and correct himself, LEAVE HIM.

As far as the comment from someone else who says cuddling with your kids is wierd - I think that is sad. Watching a movie together on the couch or bed sounds great to me and you are right, you are luck your teenagers still want to spend time with you like this.

Is it normal to get frustrated with children or your spouse occasionally? Sure. Is it normal to be JEALOUS OF YOUR KIDS? No, not at all. Is it normal to be JEALOUS OF YOUR FRIENDS? No, not at all. Is it normal to have a FIT AND STORM OUT especially in front of your kids? No, not at all.

Any man who is going to be around my kids whould treat them like they are priceless fine china. He needs to get over himself.

My question for you is: Is he having a bad moment in time? Or is he just starting to take out his emotions on them instead of your friends/family/work? Neither is okay, but I woudl be very skeptical of a man who behaves like that around my kids..

Abusive men show this pattern of behavior and try to isolate their wives/girlfriends by acting "jealous" and needy. I suggest you look closely at how he treats you. Does his behavior interfere with your relationships or your feelings about your relationships? He has no right to be manipulative by acting this way, and if you have tolerated it with your adult relationships, that is lousy. But do not let him try to create a problem with those kids!!!

So, should a grown man be jealous of your CHILDREN? No. And I woudl guess he isn't actually jealous because he has no reason to be. He is trying to manipulate you into doing something for him and isn't mature enough emotionally to use words. I hope it is pretty much a good relationship, but I think you need to look at it from a outside point of view. Who the hell is he to get in the way of your relationships? Your job? Or make you and your kids feel like you have done something wrong? Honestly, the kids should come first above him. he needs to suck it up and stop being a baby. Hopefully, this is a passing thing and not really how he gets through life.

It sounds like he hasn't changed. I can understand having a pang of jealousy but healthy adults will acknowledge their feelings and act appropriately, not take it out on you. What are you suppose to do, ignore your children to make him happy? That makes no sense. I'd probably take a good look at your relationship. You might want to have him move out since you're not married yet. That way you can work on bringing your relationship to a healthy level before you commit to marriage or living together. Your main focus should be on your children right now and he might be interfering with his jealousy.

You two need to talk away from the kids. Next, do not feel bad about spending time with your kids. They are your kids! You need to explain to him that he does not want to make you choose between him and your kids. To me, there is no choice!

Why doesn't his daughters want to have anything to do with him? Perhaps he has control issues? I cannot stand controlling people! Makes me want to behave the complete opposite of what they want!

I think he is seeing your closeness to your children and realize how much he is missing with his. He is also controlling and that isn't acceptable. He sounds immature by storming out and refusing to be with you. Where you had the problem before with controlling issues, my guess is he is slipping back in his old ways. When the children aren't there, sit down with him and have a talk of what is acceptable and what isn't. Also do you have contact with his children at all? Maybe friending them and reintroducing them to their dad could stop some of that, especially if he wants a relationship with them. Don't let him get controlling with them if they are open to reintroduction. Teach him good parenting, it seems you have it down.

It sounds like he is having issues of his own, because like you said his kids want nothing to do with him. Maybe he is jealous that his own kids dont want to see him, let alone cuddle with him the way your kids do with you. It might be hard for him to see, and maybe it pains his heart.

Next time you go to cuddle with your kids invite him, instead of waiting for him to say he wants to. Include him more in your doings with the kids. Maybe that is all he needs, is to feel needed. Especially by the kids. Do they get along? Have a good relationship?
Maybe the kids and him can have an outing together to spend some bonding time and make him feel like they want to be around him.

Sounds like he just wants to feel included, and needed too by you and the kids. Give him some extra care and love and hopefully you should see a difference.

Best wishes!

If he doesn't realize by now that your kids will and SHOULD always comes first, he hasn't been paying attention and/or is dumb, which is sad. Or, he's a controlling abusive man that changed for just long enough to keep you with him, and is now changing back into who he really is. I vote for the latter, dump him. This will never get better.

It sounds like you are a great mom with a great relationship with your kids. The fact that you are so close to your 21 year old means you are obviously doing something right! Kudos to you!
I just want to say don't let your boyfriend come before your relationship with your kids, don't let him make you doubt yourself. I'm sure you care about him very much but you have to make sure you follow YOUR instincts as a mom.
It sounds like things are rocky with him so I want to tell you what my mom always told me -
"Ask yourself what HE has to offer YOU - not the other way around."

It does seem like he's jealous and angry of the closeness you share with your kids given that he seems to have a strained relationship with his own children. I would ask him what's going on in a non-accusatory way. Definitely discuss this away from the kids, so they are not made to feel like they are the issue, when it's clearly the BF who has some unresolved issues. The tantrum thing, storming out and refusing to spend time with your family is very immature. Does he feel like he's not getting enough quality time with you? If that's the case, this is not how you make your feelings known. Time to have a chat with the BF.

Time for him to go! He has already interfered with your relationships - based on some of what you wrote defending your closeness to your kids, he has you doubting the propriety of snuggling with your own kids. Of course it's normal and okay to be close to your children, even if they are grown. What is not normal is for a grown man to be jealous of a normal relationship between children and their mother.

If you won't get rid of him for your own sake, get rid of him because of what his behavior, and your acceptance of it, is teaching your kids. Your 14 and 15 year olds are watching and learning. Ask yourself if you'd be happy if your daughter brought home a man who acts like him. If the answer is no, that should tell you something important.

He sounds needy and unable to articulate his needs.

Maybe see if you can start a neutral dialog with, you seem unhappy lately, anything I can do?

ok so I don't know the dynamics with your family but if your kids climb in bed any chance they get to "cuddle" thats a little weird. not saying its bad just weird. My kids used to come in at night and lay down next to me to talk but as soon as I fell asleep out they went. i guess my weirded out thing is with the word cuddle. If this was a dad doing it the word molestation would definitly be banded about.

Sounds like he has changed back. He probably WANTS to not be jealous but if he keeps reverting back to that behavior, maybe that is just who he is at the core and it's hard to change that.

Red flags!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Your kids WILL always come before the boyfriend as they are YOUR flesh and blood.

The boyfriend should enroll in therapy. If he refuses then you and your children should probably sit down and have a chat about him.....

I'm not sure why you would allow him to be more important than your children. LET HIM GO! He will never change and be the man you want. He will do anythng to spoil the relationship you have with your kids. Look at this situation through others eyes . You will know what to do.