It's Bothering me...bad Vibes About Sister's Boyfriend

Yes. My sister's former boyfriend. I will never know if the guy was actually bad, sick guy. However, I felt safe in trusting my gut. If my gut says DANGER, I don't doubt that, ever. It happens so infrequently, that it's serious business when it does. If someone is off, I don't need to allow my children with them. Someone getting to be around my children is not a right, I get to choose.

Okay this is going to sound strange but could he have Aspergers or the like?

My ex is like that. It is not that he is a bad person, well my ex is bad but not because of this, it is just you get this something is off vibe. It has a lot to do with them being kind of off.

Yes, I feel this way about someone who actually is an extremely nice and happy and friendly person. But I just get a vibe like I don't want him to be alone with my son. A STRONG vibe. I have *no* basis for this or any evidence to back up my suspicions. It is just a gut feeling and I've gotta go with it.

I'd tell her your gut feeling.

"Hey sis, you know I love you and you know I will support ANY choice you make. There's something I need to tell you, because blood is thicker than water and you're my family and I try to look out for my family. Or maybe I'm wrong and I'm misreading signals - and that is a good possibility.

Your boyfriend gives me the creeps. He plays with the kids TOO MUCH. I like that he plays with the kids, and maybe he has natural father thing going. But then there are times when it just gives me the heebie jeebies. Anyway, it raised a red flag for me.

But again, I could easily be mistaken. But I thought you should know, as my sister. And this will be the last I will ever mention of it, because if you choose BF to be permenant, then of course we will continue to include him just like family. But I just thought you should hear it, just once so you can make an informed decision - which I will support whatever you decide. :)"

And then give her a hug and support her decision whichever it is. (But never let him babysit)

I've never had this exact situation, but GO WITH YOUR GUT. And, everyone else's gut, it sounds like.

I do say go with your gut and keep the kids away from any solo outings, but I also would echo what Jo says in the very first response: Could it possibly be that he has Asperger's or a disability or some other condition where he is socially awkward? Whether due to a condition or not, there are adults who don't read social cues well at all (for instance, not taking any hints about "personal space" though you keep moving away from them), or who prefer kids to adults in a group of both kids and adults, because kids just don't notice the awkwardness.

I want to say I definitely agree that you should go with your gut and absolutely should not have your kids around him alone if you have even a hint of a concern, but it's just something to consider. The vibe may not be (let's just say it out loud because no one has yet) a "child abuser" vibe but could be a matter of his being "off" or "weird" or awkward due to a mental/physical condition, or due to his upbringing, even.

I once went on an all-day church outing with a large group where I didn't know everyone, and felt all day that one guy was "off" but later found out that he was slightly developmentally disabled, so his responses were slow and sometimes he said things that didn't entirely make sense in the moment. But it was a function of his mild disability.

If you say to your sister "He's off and I won't leave my kids with him ever" she likely will get furious and that's the end of any talking to her. She'll get defensive and think you are questioning her judgement in men and her choices (which really you are -- but for good reason).

But perhaps you can consider approaching her along the lines of, "Is Sam OK? I've noticed that he sometimes seems awkward around people. Does he have anything going on that make it hard for him to read social cues?" And so on. That way you're making her feel that you're concerned for him (and by extension, for her) and you might have a better chance at finding out something without alienating and angering her.

We have our gut instincts for a reason. Go with your gut.

I do think that feeling does hold a lot of value: when I interviewed for nanny jobs, I always told the parents of potential families: "Do check on my references, and please know-- please go with your gut instinct as to whether you feel I'd be a good fit with your family or not." While they all did hire me on, I think it was good for the moms to know that I trusted *their* gut instincts as well.

My daughter's BF, I just never really trusted him. After being together 2 yrs she found out he was cheating and lying. I could never put my finger on what was wrong but I never trusted him and now I know why.

I would check him out on the court systems website(s). Sometimes all you need is name and date of birth, sometimes the name is enough. Is he orginally from your area or did he move from another state? Check all states if possible. However remember, many predators do not have any kind of police record -- until they are caught.

Yes, my youngest sister's boyfriend. There was something "off" about that guy and we were never at ease around him. Turns out he was verbally abusive and my husband overheard him saying some really nasty (and inaccurate) things to my sister one night. My husband was taking out the trash at my parents' house and thought they had already left. Needless to say, the guy left permanently and my sister stayed. My husband didn't get arrested, but there were certainly some porch lights flicking on down the street! He's actually lucky it was my husband and not my father.

Trust your gut in most things. There's a reason why our mothers tell us to do so... if it doesn't sound/feel/look right... it's probably not!

If it makes you feel any better for having these feelings and listening to them, I have a cousin who I grew up seeing all the time. As in, we spent every single major holiday (a couple of weeks at Christmas alone, and at least a week in the summer) with him and his family at my grandparents' house. So it's not like he's someone I don't know. But after my husband and I got married and had our first child, we moved to the same town as my cousin. Of course, being family who had grown up seeing each other, we exchanged invitations back and forth, and I kept having the same kind of super weird vibes when we were with him because of the way he would interact with our son. To this day, my cousin has NEVER done or said anything that justifies the vibes he gives me around my children. But I told my husband when it first started that I absolutely WILL NOT have my cousin alone with my children, ever, on the off chance that there is a good reason for these vibes. My husband has totally supported me, although I have gotten flak from my mom (in particular) because I border on obsessive about ensuring that they are not unsupervised with this cousin. I just tell myself, I'd rather be wrong and my kids be safe than be right and find out later that I left them in a vulnerable position, you know?

I hate when that happens...on one hand you feel guilty about judging someone like that. You worry that you are wrong and are being harsh on a perfectly nice person based on looks and mannerisms. On the other hand you cannot help the way you feel either and gut feelings are oftentimes right. I would just carry on like you are. Nothing much else you CAN do.

Dad On Purpose is right and said it perfectly - you have to say something to her. I feel it is our responsibility to look out for the people we love, even if it means saying something they don't want to hear. If she is blind to something, you have to point it out. And, you are open to the possibility of being wrong. Tough situation and I wish you the best!

I read this and all I could think of was "stranger danger". could be several things. The way she introduced him to the family, his personality whatnot. I would listen to your gut. I am a firm believer of the "gut feeling". Mine is generally not wrong!

I don't think you can really say anything to your sister, "hello sis, your bf gives me the creeps"? Oh, to be a fly on the wall for that conversation! I would just keep my eyes on him and see what happens.

The one time I didn't trust my gut I got royally hurt. I'm waiting to see how my gut goes with my brother's current wife. Wife #1 barely lasted 2 yrs. My gut told me from the word go she was bad news..she proved it in spades sadly after a child was already born. I kept my mouth shut til after the divorce. This time with my brother's current wife I told him in a round about way I wasn't fond of her. But it was after she already did some damage and my once great relationship with my brother is in bad shape.
Anyway if possible have a background check run on him. It might be money well spent. Also keep listening to your gut.

Yes, I've run into this before. Let's just say that you have these feelings for a reason. They're called "instinct." You're supposed to listen to your instincts. We're taught when we're growing up to ignore our instincts because we don't have proof for that creepy feeling to be legitimate! It's rude to just dislike someone on sight! It's just not fair!

Well, the two times I ignored my instinct I was sexually assaulted. Other times I've had creepy feelings about people "without any proof" it did turn out later on that those instinctive feelings were legitimate and I was right to listen to myself. Every time. I avoided one particular relationship many years ago with someone who remained a good friend because instinct told me to keep romantic distance. Recently, we found out news that rocked several towns and two states making me feel very relieved that I'm not the one who married him and had a child with him (although I feel horrible for the wife who is a good friend).

So. If you feel there's something off about this guy, trust it. You don't have to say anything to your sister until/unless you ever get proof but when it comes to your children, the only proof you need is your instinct.

I would trust your gut. To the requests for babysitting, I would just smile and say thank you, you'll keep that in mind. But don't ask them. Make excuses. They will get the hint. Be friendly, but vigilant at family gatherings. Make sure your kids never have opportunity to be alone with him. Do a little on-line research on the guy, maybe. Just to see if there is anything to warn your sister about.

My husbands grandmother was dating a man many years ago that noone in the family liked. I never met him. He killed her.

I can't recall ever getting that vibe about anyone I know/have met formally. Although there have been plenty of people that I've been around in crowds or public places where I've just "kept on moving" because I felt creeped out....

Go with your gut. There was a great book out about hearing/listening to your gut a few years ago. I think it was called "The Gift of Fear" or something like that. It was more directed at acting in the face of violence, I think, but very much addressed the angle of folks suppressing their natural "gut" feelings/impressions about a person/situation.

Whether or not you say anything to your sister, for me, probably depends upon what kind of person she is and your relationship. Nobody would take well to hearing "your boyfriend gives me an odd vibe", but some folks would be a little put off, and move on... but also have a watchful eye in the back of their mind thence forward. Others might blast you, and cut you off, and stay with the person to spite you, regardless of what they force themselves to cover up for the boyfriend. So it kinda depends.
But I would NEVER leave my children in a situation where they would be alone with sister and her boyfriend. Or really, even just the sister, because she might invite the boyfriend over later on.

Your gut is picking up on something. It may, like Jo W. mentioned, be something other than criminal intent. But you don't know WHAT it is. So best to remain vigilant.
And if you can, do a background search on him. Unless you see an imminent breakup coming...

i have some random thoughts on this bear with me. First i have always had a weird vibe from my mom's brother inlaw, my uncle. He just would hug a smidge too long, or not be looking in my eyes. never actually did anything but was so different from my dad that it felt wrong, so i still watch him with my kids.

hubby has a friend that has some depression issues and maybe some bipolar that he is treated for. I feel soo creeped out by him, just even giving my kids high five, there is another friend of this guy and my hubby that does the same and doesn't creep me out at all.

The "aquantaince Danger" that someone mentioned is very very real in my opinion. but sometimes i wonder if some one that could "groom" a victim that way, wouldn't be more sauve about it and totally fool you because you didn't get that creepy vibe.

As far as your sister, I would just get her to tell you more about him and that might help you with your opinion of him. find out what he likes to do and what she sees in him ( that you do'n't), maybe if you find out that his 103 you grandma raised him, when his parents were killed deep sea fishing or something like that the pieces will fit in better, but until they do i think there are nice ways to keep your kids safe with out making a big deal about it,

and cut yourself some slack too, depending on your relationship with her ex- this guy might have some pretty big shoes to fill and that might be coloring your response to him.

Go with your gut. I would.

I haven't looked at the other replies, but as read your post the first thing I thought of was serial killer...sorry, too much Criminal Minds. The second thing I thought of...have you looked into the child molester data base? To see if he might be a registered sex abuser/child molester...maybe your mom instincts are right. Good luck and God Bless.

Always go with your gut feeling. Go to case.net do a back ground check on him.

could it be that you were all put off by him before you ever first met him, were looking for something to not like about him and found it?

I would say since he is your sisters long term boyfriend
I'd invite J. them over for dinner and observe carefully. Does he J. play for the first 10 minutes and then get tired and annoyed and your J. watching those 1st 10 minutes? that is normal. My boyfriend goes right to the kids in any house concentrates on them, plays, hugs, kisses, loves on them and then scoots them off and talks to the adults. If anyone J. concentrated on that they would think he likes kids too much, BUT if they realized he is all fun for 10 minutes and then kind of gets tired of it theyd realze, he missed those kids, was all about them and then went to the adults.

If he never gets tired or annoyedof them jumping on him and encourages it too much I';d say something
If he does the typical all about the kids and then gets tired...i'd say he';s like every adult male I know thats good with kids

My sister has had boyfriends, but the family is always cordial and no more. Eventually, the boyfriends end up staying away and eventually the relationship ends. Recently, my adult nephew has 'a friend', well this friend was included in our family vacation, all family gatherings, and my sister included him in the college grad party. I felt bad when my husband did not want to give him a gift for his graduation. I sense that he is not sincere and virtually a stranger to me. When family members link to someone that is not on the same wavelength than the rest of the family, it throws the whole vibe of the gathering off. I've told my sister in the past that when I attend a family gathering, I expect just that 'family'. I always ask if there will be someone else, because how my family spends 'family time' is very important and often one time events that will not repeat. I have chosen to stay home at New Years or Thanksgiving when non-family is present and I don't want to see them, but I do attend religious ceremonies despite their presence. I hope the vibe you get only means he has some little secret and not a huge one like an unregistered sex offender. Good luck.

I think a background check is still a fine idea. It's unusual for someone to give EVERYONE the willies...and maybe he changed his name to bypass the check in his field. (?)