Issues with My 26-Yr Old Stepdaughter

Can she use the transit systems that are available in NY? I could never stand driving in Manhattan either. She really needs a job and to get a life of her own. It sounds like she could use a little direction and is possibly dealing with depression as well.

When you marry a man that already has children it is a package deal so I would suggest being flexible. I am a step mother myself and it is not always easy.

First of all, don't be jealous - she is NOT his wife, you are - she is his child and he will always love her like his little girl - daddy's tend to be suckers like that.
Second, she is WAY too old to be living at home!!!! This needs to be talked about as a very temporary living situation and she needs to have a plan (with dads help) on how she is going to get out on her own - like a 6mo plan should do. She needs to get a job, take the bus, save money to get her own place - PERIOD!!!
You say you "think" your husband wants her to stay with you??? You need to talk this out with him bid time!!!!

Therapy all around!

1. The daughter. She either has a serious case of arrested development or an epic abandonment issue she is passive-aggressively retaliating against her father (and you) for. In therapy, she may also find some success unraveling her failed marriage and be ready to be an adult, independent woman. Good luck to her on that.

2. Your husband lost his mother and would probably benefit from grief counseling. Also, in the shadow of that loss, it makes sense that he would want to rebuild relationships, reconnecting with his daughters.... it make sense. But it puts him in the position of being easily taken advantage of.

3. Your marriage..... your marriage started off as The Two of You Taking Care of Someone. It is entirely possible that he felt the draw to keep maintain the status quo by taking in another needy case (this time his daughter.) You two need to spend some time and energy reconnecting to a relationship that is about the two of you, and not you two and a third party.

Start with your marriage and work backwards. You will NEVER have any success in your marriage simply telling your husband "I want your daughter to move out." That is divisive and forces him to take sides. Nobody wins in that scenario.

Good luck to you.

Kick her @ss out! I had 3 kids by the time I was 26! You need to put your foot down with your husband and thoroughly discuss this. She needs to either go to school or get a job, and she needs to start taking responsibility for her life! 26 and living at home!! You're setting her up for failure by permitting this. You're enabling her to live like this. I'm not pointing my fingers at you, only your actions. Like you said, you didn't think it through, that's fine, you're human ;) But now that you HAVE thought about it, you've got to put an end to this. I would rather sell my internal organs on the black market before I move back in with my parents... time to grow up. 26 living at home!, I can't get over that... she needs to put her big girl panties on, like, 4 years ago ;)

26 is really old to be so dependent. I would help her make a plan for getting back on her feet. Make it a 6-month plan, max. Goal for month one: find a job that will provide health insurance. Break that down into weekly tasks -- fill out X job applications, get a driver's license (she'll need this for ID for a job), set up a bank account, etc. Then give her some time to save her paychecks so by month four or five she can sign for her own apartment -- maybe that apartment is back in the Midwest. Make sure your husband is involved in all this planning. Even if she was my natural daughter I would be pushing her OUT at 26! Good luck!

"Since his daughter came to live with us, we haven't felt comfortable leaving her alone without transportation. "

If this is the only thing holding you back from the trip.. It is not enough.. GO on your trip.. 26 year old divorcee, can figure out how to get around on her own.. Take all of the car keys with you..

If you and your husband cannot sit calmly with each other about this lay about in your home, Go to counseling and get a 3rd party to help you.

I would handle it this way.. the 3 of you sit down and have a discussion about what her plans are. How will she make these plans happen and what is the deadline.

There should be 2 choices for the deadline. She either has a job or she does not have a job and need to move on and figure out a whole new way to live.

I am sending you strength.

First off, tell your husband how he is feeling. No use stewing over these feelings. He may make it easy for you if he feels the same way.

I normally would agree with Rachel but I think in this circumstance, you should cut her some slack instead of kicking her right out. She left an abusive relationship. You don't want to send the message that you don't care where she ends up. You don't want to drive her back into the old abusive relationship, or into a new one.

That said, I would give her a deadline. "You have six months to get a job, save money, and get your own place. I understand you need help and we are here for you but this is OUR home, and you are old enough to provide for yourself." And then STICK TO IT. You might give her longer if she decides to go to school and pursue a career. Either way, she must have forward momentum. She can't just sit idle.

Good luck!

Unfortunately, when you marry someone, you marry their family. My husband could bore you to tears with what a pain in the rear end his in-laws (my family) are.

What I really recommend, though, is that you step back and look at the situation slightly differently. Sure, you'd like for this young woman to just go someplace else so you can get your regular life back, but really, she sounds like she could use your help. What does she want to do with her life? What career would she like to pursue long-term? Great, she'd like to X? Well here's a community college catalogue, and it looks like they have classes that'll get her the first step of the way. Oh, and she's really concerned about Y problem in the world? Well, they really, really need volunteers at such and such a place.

In other words, rather than simply pawning this 26-year-old "problem" off on someone else, help her take a few practical steps toward building a life, a career, and a friendship network. That'll get her out of everyone's hair and onto her own two feet.

I can only tell you what I would do as everyone would handle it differently.

She's 26, definately an adult. I would talk to your husband and let him know how you feel. AND that the freeloading is over. That's exactly what she is doing. At 26 she should be able to get a job AND a driver's license. I think it's an excuse. She is doing things for her father because she has no way to pay for rent and her fair share so she is making up for it by doing "things" for him, to also stay in his good graces. She knows what she's doing. I think we've all seen this same story on Dr Phil. it's time for her to go. She's got 30 days to find a job and get her driver's license or she needs to move out. This is exactly what I'd to do my own child. Don't feel guilty because she's your step. She MUST be forced to be independent. I'm sure you could use the money you spend on supporting her towards that honeymoon you never got. Her parents raised her and now it's up to her to support herself, period. She's not showing effort to support herself or pitch in towards the family. She's not in college and not working. She's 26! Time to go.

K. B
mom to 5 including triplets

"I can't live like that"

Does your 22 year old live with you? If the answer is yes, then I can see why your husband feels it's OK for his daughter to stay. You may feel that your daughter is better because she is doing something with her life. However, it is not a good idea to compare on child to another in a blended family situation.....even with the children are growups (or suppose to be grownups).

You are your husband are going to need to present a united front if your marriage is to succeed. I would not feel bad about going out and leaving and adult at home. You can get her a monthly bus pass. Give her a deadline to get a job or go live with her mother or perhaps back home. This will not work unless your husband in on board 100%. Why some her age would go work with her father unless she is working for him, is beyond me.

Would you be able to rent a studio apartment or help her become a room mate with someone near her on age. (Pay for the first couple of months), until she learns to stand on her own two feet.

Best wishes.....Blessings...

Sounds like you married your husband but didn't think his family would be an issue. And they were/are. It does seem a very difficult situation but I would have been concerned with a father not talking to his daughter for 3-5 years and feel like that would have needed more scrutiny before saying "I Do". In my home my husband is just as much a parent as I am--so, explain why she should go live with her mother? You knew he had kids, that means for life not just until 18. If you can't live like this then you have some introspection to do, some chats to have with the hubby, and some decisions to make.

Clearly, this is a sensitive subject, especially with your husbands mother passing. However, it's a topic that definitely needs to be brought up. Next time you two are alone, I'd be direct in just asking, "So what are you plans with 26yo? What are your feelings about her situation right now with no job and no transportation?". Then I'd follow it up with, "what do you need me to do to help in this matter?". Let him know you are wanting to work as a team to help her but it's clear, there needs to be a plan set in place to help her gain confidence and get on her own two feet.

I do agree with others, she needs to go, she's too old, especially since she has been married before. The longer she stays and gets comfortable, the harder it'll be to get her out and your new marriage will crumble real quick. Once you two have decided on a doable plan to help her, bring her into the conversation so she understands your expectations. THEN, if at that time you find she isn't doing her part, kick her out, she'll either sink or swim and I have a feeling she'll learn to swim real quick.

Every situation is unique and although I don't know the full scope here, I would like to add a few things. Tragedy does affect people in different ways and having had her marriage end along with the loss of the relative may have caused some depression in the 26yo. Being 29, I too have had my share of loss but it is one thing to grieve, and another to wallow and regress. It seems to me that the situation she is in is allowing her to be stagnant, she gets rides and has everything paid for by you and your husband. Where, then is her motivation to move out, get a job and otherwise become independent? Being at your home is not only good for her grief, but it is also a very easy situation because that is the environment that has been cultivated. Sit down with your husband, tell him that you do want to see her successful but sitting by while she goes through the motions is NOT being successful. Then together, share with her your combined expectations of employment, transportation, etc. When you got married you agreed to be family but you did NOT agree to give up your lives for family. Best Wishes!

You need to be honest with your husband about your feelings.
I don't think you should just "kick her out" because it sounds like she may be depressed. But you DO need a plan that you both can agree on going forward. Once you are on the same page you can sit down with her and let her know that her staying with you has been fine but she needs to start thinking about her future, that this situation is TEMPORARY. She should probably get some therapy because a fear of driving/traffic will only hold her back. Do NOT drive her around unless it is to look for a job or to go see a doctor or therapist.
Good luck, what a tough way to start a marriage :(

I agree with Nikki, you have to look at this from an outside perspective. I think you need to sit down with your husband first and tell him how you feel. That you enjoyed this time getting to know his daughter better, and you want her to have a great life. But you feel that she's being enabled at the house and that it might be a good thing to talk about some goals with her. (I'm sure he feels this way too).
Being in an abusive relationship there is a lot of brokenness inside of her. Not only that, she lost her grandma, was she close with this woman? Not only was her husband abusive, but they divorced, I'm sure very controlling, especially since she doesn't have any money. Has she went to any type of counseling, she has a lot to still process. There is a lot of loss in her life, maybe that is why she's holding so tight to her daddy. He's arms gives her comfort, it doesn't matter that she's 26 years old, she's been through a lot. I'm sure she's very confused too, how many 26 year olds want to live with their dad and his new wife, especially when she sees her marriage fell apart. (Which is good that she left him.)
I do understand your feelings, and I know you love this man. Remember in the vows, for better or worse, well, this is some of the worse, you have to survive. I think you should talk to your husband on how to help her be more independent too. Don't you approach it with her, but have your husband talk to her about driving. Have her go driving with her. Can she not take the buses either?
Be a little more patient, maybe suggest to your husband too that maybe you should go out for a weekend, let her be by herself and figure out how to go here and there.
Hugs going out to you, I know this is hard on you!!!

Seems a little weird that she acts like that, BUT I can't see any way of dealing with this that isn't going to cause a problem with your husband. Sounds like he wants a relationship with her and he's willing to do whatever it takes to accomplish that.

Hubby needs to make you and your marriage a priority and encourage his daughter to either go live with her mom or to at least become more independent. What he's allowing her to do now is only going to be detrimenal to her in the future.

Good luck with this one. Blended families are extremely hard!

Why does she need to lived with you or her mother? She is a grownup, a few years away from 30. If she managed to live on her own when she was married, she can live on her own now. People in their mid 20's should be going to work everyday like real grownups! She can get her own apartment. If she doesn't wish to drive, then she can move to an more city-like area with things in walking distance and a subway system. Why aren't her parents urging her to live like an independent adult? She is well past the child stage. Someone needs to let them know very clearly that they are holding this woman back from the responsibility and maturity level that she should have. They are doing her no favors. It's great that she is reconnecting with her dad after an estrangement but at her age, you don't do it by living as your father's dependent child, you do it by having dinner together a couple of times a week at your place, at her apartment or at a restaurant.

You need to set clear boundaries and stop giving in to her. She needs to find her own source of transportation, whether it is a cab/bus/bicycle. She also needs to either be in college or in a career. The more anyone makes her wait, the more screwed up her life is going to be in the longrun. If she has serious anxiety about traffic, than perhaps she needs some professional behavioral therapy, especially since she just got out of an abusive marraige.

Why, after 3-5 years of non-communication does your husband want her there? Because he feels bad for abandoning his daughter, or maybe she disconnected the contact and he's trying to get it back? It seems like there is something wrong in this relationship.