Issues with Aging Parents/grandparents

let your mom come for a visit...take this time to have a heart to heart with her...
when your mom leaves, invite your dad over. Have a heart to heart with him.
You are their child of course you are going to worry about your folks.. Maybe they want you to know what's going on in their lives.
Talk to your dad... He sounds like my dad... My dad visited us in may 2005. He was also depressed and having job difficulties.
It was his last visit. He ended his life 2 months later.

I would let your mom come visit. I think this might be a wake-up call for your father in that he will have to take care of himself for a whole week and he might actually find that he enjoys having to do things for himself. This situation is just so typical as others mentioned men get so tied up in their jobs that when that is no longer a daily part of their lives they just don't know what to do with themselves. Some things you can suggest to your mother:
1) She needs to give your father daily jobs around the house, including fixing a meal one nite a week. If you mother were to become ill, he needs to be able to take care of her (that's how she can position it).
2) Your mother should try to find some activities that they can do together. Is there a trip they (or she) had always wanted to take?

Part of the issue could be that your mother also has made no adjustments for the retirement (i.e., she's still doing her same routine in which your father has no part). And, she likely is feeling crowded since she's used to having her space and more time to herself. So, she needs to rethink where she is in her life and find other things she might enjoy that could get her out of the house on her own and with your dad.

Good luck.

Dear K.,
When a man stops working and supporting his family and wife they feel useless. Maybe this mini vacation will do not only good for your mom but both some good. Maybe a parttime job or something activity wise to get him out of the house. Your mom sounds like she is not wanting to hide from her problems but wants to visit and when or if she does, let her know to relax and not talk about things and don't try to bring you in the middle. Plus bring it to your dads attention to that you are there for both of them not just one or the other.

Good luck!

Have your mom come vist and talk with her about their situation. It's both new to them and no one quite prepares you for the emotional side of retirement. Retirement is a bit like the first year of marriage. It's a HUGE adjustment for both.

My mom "retired" when my dad did. So Dad now loaded the dishwasher and put away for her. Mom still cooked but dad did his share of cooking by taking her out to dinner!! Dad also got involved in the Masons again...he had stopped going because of his work schedule and being busy with us kids.

He also volunteered and worked out three times a day by either walking or swimming. Whenever he got on Mom's nerves, she found something around the house that needed fixing or adjusting or painted, cleaned (cleaning air filters works well!) or she just went shopping at the local mall for awhile LOL! Whenever Dad got frustrated with Mom, he went and hung out at the hardware store or went and got a haircut or went to the library to research the family tree.

It's true that when men retire they feel somewhat useless. They are used to having a purpose and interfacing with people everyday. So, it's best to try to recreate that environment - senior style. If you or other siblings live close by, involved Dad in a project - , painting, fixing a leaky sink, changing the oil in the car, remodeling a bathroom, shopping for a ceiling fan, whatever dad's good at.

When mom comes to visit you, have her create a once a week "honey do" jar. Fill it with slips of paper with odd jobs that need doing around the house. Once a week Dad picks a job from the 'honey do' jar and does it! That's his project for the week. You can make a jar for day trips, or for restaurants.

Travel, go see a movie, tour a museum, go to a ball game, volunteer somewhere, deliver meals on wheels, take a class at the local community college or university, try something you never thought you would.

It's hard when you're parents aren't getting along but please realise that this is their problem that they need to sort out for themselves. You're not guilty of anything but loving your parents.

I think it's a great idea for your mom to come--but what about asking your dad to come too? MAybe he and your mom could sorta "reconnect" just by being grandparents together. Not that I am saying put any pressure on your kids to save a 40 yr marriage, but it might help your dad to have something to look forward too--and he and your mom might just "fall in love all over again". Good Luck with whatever you decide!