Is This Stupid to Be Upset About?

A few of my friends did this a few years back (wish I had) ... They stopped doing their husbands laundry. The husband does his laundry when he feels like it ... Every 2 or 3 weeks... But that is his choice.

I don't think this is about the computer being occupied all the time. I would wonder why he's more interested in life outside of his actual life. If he's on the internet, he's not present with you or his family. That's the real problem.

Eta - yeah, I'm not on board with some of the other answers. This is NOT the norm, nor should it be, for healthy family relationships. I would absolutely be annoyed.

So the issue isn't just the computer but that you're doing all the work around him and he's addicted to a game and doesn't lend a hand. If you talk and nothing changes, consider counseling. Is it grounds for divorce? I think it's not about not sharing the computer. I think it's about not being connected in other ways.

I'm surprised at people saying this is the norm. My DH likes to play on his tablet in the evening a bit. But - he picks up the kids from school and makes dinner (I get home later than he does), then we both clean up dinner/start laundry/do chores. Then, while the kids watch some TV, I read a book and he plays on his tablet.

So yes, he does play a bit. But only AFTER we've both chipped in to do all the household chores for the day.

First, about your specific, immediate question - my husband and I have our own computers. There is absolutely no way we'd all be able to share. That expectation would be highly impractical given what we each need. If you need the computer for school, then you need your own. It just makes sense. This is a separate issue from his favoring games over his family duties, but at least it will solve that one problem.

Now that said, your issues go well beyond sharing a computer. I know you know this. The computer issue is just one-more-thing.

You've tried to fix it alone to no results. Now it is time to get outside help. Look up marriage counseling in your area. If he won't go with you, then go alone. It takes two to make a marriage work, but sometimes one person getting tips and techniques can lead the way.

I can't answer your question. But I would like to say, why is there only ONE access to the internet in a household with multiple people? This seems outdated, and I'm actually old.

Yeah, drop the $200 and get yourself a notebook of some kind, or a smartphone.....

I can't imagine sharing anymore. Geez, do you still have dialup too?

:)

You all sound very young.
Husbands have diversions.
Usually it's sports(watching or playing)/hunting/fishing or something like that.
But mature men balance it out with work and what needs to be done in the home.
Gaming can be fairly addictive.
He needs to grow up but you are not (and should not be) his mother.
It's just very bad for your relationship if you fall into that role with him.
Next time you hear
"I'm in the middle of a game - they are gonna kick me out"
I'd be tempted to say
"I'm gonna kick you out if you don't deal with our non cyber real life flesh and blood child in the next 15 minutes"
but that's not going to solve anything.
These days school is just SO computer oriented I don't see how you've managed without your own laptop this far.
You can pick up something serviceable for under $500 - look for student discounts.
When your husband's not home pour a little water through the xbox and let it dry off so it doesn't show - do not tell him.
It probably won't work after that.
Gauge how upset he gets when he finds out it's broken and what measures he goes to to get it fixed/replaced.
That will tell you how addicted he is.
If he moves mountains for it, I'd get an escape plan in place and get ready for a divorce when the time is right for you.

Get yourself a laptop and stop feeding him and washing his clothes.
Take care of yourself and your daughter and let him fend for himself for a while.
Stop being his mommy and you won't be so resentful.

This is not normal. I would blow my top if dh did this on a regular basis, there's no excuse. And you are not overreacting. My husband pulls his weight. He cleans, cooks, nurtures our children, does house work and works full time. The days I work he gets a small to do list. Please do not think this is ok. You need support and help with the house duties and your child. You need a break. Write down your feelings and address them with your husband. Tell him how his addiction negatively affects you and your child. Good luck

he sounds like a roommate, and an immature one at that, not a husband.
i think my dh gets miffed at how much time i spend here (hellooooo MP!) and i'm not anywhere near as bad as your dh.
no, i don't think you're being at all unreasonable.
and no, all husbands are NOT like that. when my babies were babies, and little boys, and big boys, we BOTH parented them. and split the household chores.
i do more now, but the boys are gone and i don't work very much. so it's still
fair.
tell him to man the hell up.
khairete
S.

I think you need to make it less about "how much he is on the computer" and instead make it about "how little he helps around the house."

Stop the computer wars. Instead, inform your husband what you need him to do around the house.

Is it stupid to be upset because you have to ask to use the computer? Yes, that's an easy fix, get another.

It is not stupid to be upset because you're taking care of a grown man who plays video games and sits online for hours. If he is not contributing to the house work load stop nagging him and just write down exactly what you need him to do each evening. Like this:

1. do dishes
2. take out trash
3. get baby ready for bed
4. put baby to bed

You get the idea, don't make it more complicated than it needs to be. If he still won't help then you do have a problem.

So....no smartphone either?
Get O.!

As long as you serve him he'll let you.

So stop. Assign him chores or draw for them. I did a visual lesson for everyone in the family once. I took my journal jar and a few others and I thought and thought and thought. I made list after list after list.

Twice per day chores, once per day chores, twice per week chores, once per week chores, monthly chores, every other month. Quarterly chores and bi-yearly chores too. I didn't really have anything that couldn't be done only once per year so I didn't have that jar.

I sat everyone down and had 4 different colored poster boards out with pens. Each person drew a single chore out of each jar. As their list grew they kept track of their chores on their poster board.

Little guy got cleaning the litter box, a daily chore, and he got feeding and watering them too which is a twice per day job. If he doesn't do it he doesn't eat or drink. I've taught him that if he's feeling thirsty can he imagine how the kitty's feel because they're thirsty too. Plus if we don't feed them they starve to death. He listening and has not missed after the first meal he didn't get to eat until he went and took care of his animals.

Hubby didn't like drawing clean the kitchen daily or take out the trash daily or any other chore he drew but it showed him, and the kids, exactly how many things get done daily that they didn't have to do.

If they don't do it it doesn't get done. If the kitchen's not clean then I don't cook. If hubby gets hungry and asks me why I didn't cook I tell him it's because the kitchen is too dirty to put food in. Then I tell him I have dinner to cook if he'll work quickly so I can get it done in time for some thing or another.

In your hubby's case, I'd have said "Okay, here's kiddo, let me know when she's done and I'll come get her". Then I'd have walked away, shutting the door behind me. The stench would have driven him out to do the deed.

Lets first start with some ground rules for your discussion. One topic only. If you think he's a third child, untidy or unhelpful - fine. But those are other topics. This topic is "I don't wannnnnnna have to ask to use the computer - it should be free for me at all times"

Yes, yes it should. Do you have an income? If so, buy a second computer.

If not, or the budget is too tight, then negotiate a schedule.

Otherwise the only problem I hear is that he beats you to the computer and you don't like it. And that doesn't really sound like an adult problem two people who are married would have.
______________
Sorry, didn't answer your title question. Yes.

I have never known a household where there is only one computer, go buy one! Seems like you just want to be angry about something because this is just too easy to fix.

So yeah, this is a stupid thing to be upset about. Plus if you are going to school you should have one to take with you anyway.

I believe computers are addictive. Maybe he needs an intervention. ;). Is there a place you can store the computer and Xbox after he leaves for work one day? You can tell him you love him too much to allow it to be a problem in your relationship. Or maybe there's a way to set down an agreed limit. Honey, I love you. I am feeling alone here and I don't like it. Can we agree that the computer game playing stops at 8:00 so we can reconnect?

I am sorry you're going through this. I have an issue with my 10 year old where this is concerned. He hates that I limit his game time and wants more of it. I just tell him I love him too much to allow him to be addicted to video games. I know it's not the same as a husband. I don't want him to have those problems.

Resentment does eat you alive and causes all kinds of internal stress. It also destroys your health both physical and mental and your relationships. Please don't allow yourself to fall into that trap. Talk to someone, journal, counseling anything. Remembering you have to take good care of yourself.

Blessings!
L.

This is what your life is going to be like for the next 40 years. Do you want to live like this for the next 40 years?

This isn't about having to ask for a computer. This is about him acting like a teenager. Did you expect to be married and have a child with a teenager?

He's not invested in your home life or your child. He is addicted to the computer and plays on it rather than take any responsibility outside of his job.

You are his and his child's caregiver. You are his maid and his sex partner when he bothers to pull himself off the computer for some. The only thing he does that helps your family is work. He could do that as a single man.

If I were you, I'd go talk to a divorce lawyer and get all the information you need to know about separating. Get your ducks in a row before you tell him to leave. Perhaps if he has no one to do everything for him, he might start thinking about how boring life on just the computer is. Maybe he would miss you after a while and then be willing to go to couple's counseling with you. Maybe THEN he might be serious about changing his life and you two actually have a chance of a future together. You are young - don't live like this.

Has he always been like this? When you discussed it before you were married with a baby, what was his understanding of your expectations? What were his expectations? What kinds of ideas do you two share about what an adult family life should look like for you?

The ideal is not the same for everybody, but having an actual discussion will at least give each person an idea of what to expect, leaving little room for assumptions. Unless this started last week, you probably just expected that the responsibility of having a baby and a house would create some automatic sense of git-'er-done. Your assumptions are your responsibility.

Sometimes I think that my husband is on his phone too much. I say, "I'm concerned that you are distracted by your phone during times when I'm expecting you to be more attentive to abc." I don't drag it out, but we talk about it together. I say, "Let me know when you've finished with that because I'd like to leave this in your hands while I focus on the other thing."

I married a man who was on the same page with me about what family life at home should look like. Pretty much. We are not perfectly in sync every second, but we pretty much share the fundamental stuff. You say that "we" talk about it constantly. What does he SAY? How do you determine that he hears you?

If you need a reboot in your relationship because you've let your communication go downhill and are having difficulty figuring out the best way to communicate with each other--not just get your way, but hear him and be heard by him--then you might consider talking to a professional who can help make sense of the different wiring.

I agree with Mamazita 100%. Do not do his laundry or cook him any meals. He'll either figure it out or he won't, but either way, you won't be taking care of him anymore.

You have every right to be upset. This is you and your family. If you do not feel comfortable with ANY behavior of your husband's then you have the right to speak up and desire change.

You may have to set an alarm, say it's for you, to help remind you to ask him for the computer. An hour or two, then RING! Your turn.

As for your little one, just hand her over to him. "Here hold this. I need to go do dishes". It works in my home. Don't give him the choice. He helped make the baby, then he will help take care of her.

In my home we both have computers, we play games together. My husband owns a Wii, a PS3 and an Xbox. We also both have Ipads and our daughter has an android tablet. We both have laptops, his is for work and there's a mini laptop floating around the house that's going to be repurposed for our daughter.

I have a husband like that. I got my own computer. If he wants to spend all of his time ignoring his family while he plays computer games then that is his problem. We have just learned to enjoy our lives regardless of what he is doing. He supports us financially. As long as he supports us and does a few select household chores I leave him be. I don't think I will ever change him, so it's not worth my time being upset by it. I just accept it as the way it is. I don't depend on his participation for my own happiness.

The computer can be very addicting. Ask him to set a limit on how long he will use it every day. For example, 2-3 hours max per day. When he does get off the computer, I'll bet he looks around and remembers how good life can be and will be happy to help. I don't think he is a bad guy, just gets into the computer and can't get off it. Good luck!

It's really hard to give "advice" since we don't know what kind/how many discussions you've had with your husband. So, I"ll speak based on my own experience. :)

If you haven't already, BE SPECIFIC with what you would like him to do. Doing this is NOT the same as treating him like a child...it's providing guidance. Imagine if he told you, "I need you to help me with the yard" and just left it at that. What if you decided that meant the lawn needed mowing, so you mowed it, and he said "that's not what I meant, we needed to pull weeds" or "no, you should have mowed it this way!" Guidance is good. My husband ended up just asking for a list of stuff that needed to be done since he was getting frustrated trying to read my mind when i asked for "help around the house."

With my husband, we just had different priorities and different ways of doing things. So, I would have to specify "Honey, I really need your help with doing laundry this week. Would you mind gathering up all the baskets and sorting the clothes so I can put them in the wash? And, if you could please swap them from the washer to the dryer as soon as it's done so I could start another load, that would be great." Additionally, our "timelines" varied, so I would usually let him know "in advance" if it was urgent or could wait a day or so (and try not to wait until the last minute to ask for help!).

As for being on the computer all the time, I get how that would be frustrating. So make a schedule for sharing it. Our "compromise" was that my husband would have time for gaming AFTER the kids went to bed and the house was tidied up...usually around 10pm. As someone who does enjoy the occasional online/computer game, "stopping" in the middle of the game is REALLY frustrating..especially if you're playing as part of a team. I can see how if you were getting up to make the bottle anyway, he might let you know it's not a great time for him to stop (it's not like you can "pause" an xbox live game).

Men need diversions, and women do too. Work out a schedule as to who gets up to take care of the baby at night. TALK (not nag) to your husband.

Good luck!

I agree with Micky. Take a chill from keeping your home spic and span. If you are a stay at home mom, use it in the hours that he is at work.

Believe me, there are usually bigger problems when many husbands are glued to the computer screen. You may be lucky.