I nanny for an 8, about to be 9 year old girl She was sexually abused when she was a bit younger. The therapist told the mother, that I should know that she was abused. That's all I know, I don't know any details. Nor, do I want to!! The girl is still in therapy and if she ever wanted to talk to me, they both felt I should know and be prepared for that.She is a lovely girl and I really enjoy her. I bring my toddler son with me. She is pretty great with him. She pretends to babysit him. She always ask to help change his diaper. That's fine, I know many children like to help. The thing is, she doesn't help. She just stares intently at his privates. It makes me very uncomfortable. (I would be uncomfortable, even if I knew nothing of her history...just to be clear.) I've now started to change him in the restroom when I go, so I can shut the door. I know kids are curious, but she is often looking for a reason to change his diaper. Even (literally) after we've just changed him. The mother did say if I ever have a question about her behavior, be sure to ask. Simply because, it may be something she needs to mention to the therapist. I would hate to mention this, if it's totally normal. I don't want to seem paranoid, because she's a great kid. I don't want her mom to think I am worried about her doing something, because I'm not!! This is just something I wonder about. What do you think? Is this totally normal, or should I take into account her history and mention it? I like the girl and her mother, and don't want to cause any weirdness.
Added: She has never been around a baby boy. She comes from a family of all girls, as far as I know. I never leave them alone together. I don't leave my son alone with any child, for that matter! No, he does not get hurt around her. She has never been passive aggressive, or anything. She doesn't act strange around him ever, except for the diaper change thing. I think I will go ahead and tell her mother. She is very understanding, and I would be surprised if she took offense. I'm glad to know I don't sound paranoid!! I do think I will continue to change him behind closed doors, from now on.
Oh...I shouldn't have said she told me no details. I do know who abused her and for how long. I just don't know details, details. Like, what was done. I don't think I need to know that kind of information. I asked some questions about how the abuse had affected her, and if it was safe for my son to be there. The mother was very open to those questions, and honest. I have not met the therapist, yet...because her therapy has not worked with our schedule. The therapist will be now doing therapy in their home once a week, and I will be able to meet and talk with her. The mother told me her therapist expressed that she was not worried at this time, of the daughter becoming an offender. I think when I talk with the therapist next week, we will have a more full scope of how I am supposed to handle situations. I don't think it's fair to never watch a kid who has been abused. Who would ever be able to go to work, if these kids didn't have anyone to watch them? I only watch her 3 hours a day. NO! She has not done anything in the past!! The therapist said she sometimes mentions things like "So and so was a bad person. They did this and had to go to jail." They didn't want me to be totally freaked out, if she said this.
id mention it, yeah its normal for kids to be curious but not to that point, imo, id let her mom know what youve been noticing so she can let her therapist know
My gut is that if it's intense enough to make you uncomfortable then I'd tell her mom. Tell her how you feel like it's not a big problem for you or anything you just want her to know in case she (mom) wants to address it further. If it was my daughter I would want to know that way it was my decision whether to bring it up in session or not.
I had to ban my kids from my bathroom around that age because there was an increase in staring when I got out of the shower, so I reminded them that gawking is rude and now I ask for privacy. To a degree I think it's totally normal. I think it gets not normal when you ask for different behavior and don't get it. Have you said anything to her?
You can have a conversation with her before the next time you're changing the toddler and bring up private parts, even asking her "advice" about what to teach him about privates. Say that little ones don't seem to care, but we want to be respectful and considerate when dealing with someone else's privates. Play act being a doctor and change your son as a "professional". And acknowledge that she is probably curious because he has different "plumbing" than she does, it's NORMAL to want to check it out. But it's not OK to stare. If she can be a professional and help you change him respectfully, great, if not, say I'm going to change him elsewhere so he can have privacy.
As a teacher, I once saw two little girls sitting side by side on a couch pretending to nurse their baby dolls. One of them had a history of being molested. One of them did not. To the casual observer, they appeared to be doing the exactly the same thing. But they weren't
The little girl with a healthy history was just nursing her baby. She was beaming and generally pretending to care for her baby. It was beautiful.
The one with a history of molestation obviously felt she was doing something naughty. She was not nursing her baby. She was having her baby suck her titties. This is not what she said, but it was clearly what was going through her mind.
After a moment of indecision, I told them both that their babies were big enough for cups now and got them some cups of water. I felt bad, but it was the right thing to do in this situation.
Whether or not something is normal has a lot to do with interpretation. What is the expression on her face? Where is she looking? What seems to be her motivation?
By your description, I don't think she is interacting with your child in a healthy way during diaper changes. This needs to be brought to the attention of her mother and her therapist. She also needs to know that you love her enough to teach her healthy boundaries.
It's possibly curiosity, but I have 2 girls (ages 10 and almost 8) and while I can picture them also being curious, I can't imagine it would last that long. Maybe they'd "look" at a little boy once or twice and then move on. One time we were visiting family and my 6 year old nephew came into a room my girls were in and dropped his towel to get dressed. Both of my girls rolled their eyes and hid their heads under a pillow, not wanting to see. I think that would be more "normal". Not sure though. Just what I think my own girls would do. Wow. What a tough situation.
could be that she is curious being around a boy, but def something to mention to mom, just in case. Good luck!
Too bad that mom isn't cluing you in more than she is. What a terrible position you're in. You know just enough to be on edge, but not enough that you can decide whether or not you "want" to be part of this girl's therapy.
If I were in your shoes, I would have never let a child who has been abused help change any diapers. And I certainly wouldn't let her sit there and watch. This girl certainly has issues and to bring your child to work is pretty risky in my opinion. I'd probably stop bringing him. Too many uncertainties...you have no idea what she experienced, and what she may work out on your child. Horrible thing to say, I know, but it's a valid concern under the circumstances.
And yes, staring is weird...and so is asking to change him. She needs to be taught boundaries. Especially since she was the victim to someone who didn't know boundaries, let alone use them.
I personally would be looking for a new assignment. From here on out, if you bring up any weird behavior to mom, you will be beholden to protect this kid's privacy and anything else mom is expecting from you. This is a no win situation...as you are probably not trained to deal with a child who has these sorts of issues. If anything goes wrong, you may be liable or blamed. The fact that mom even told you about this says the kid probably has done inappropriate things in the past. No way. I'd be outta there. And I'd be really not liking mom at this point. What she did was unprofessional and unfair. What alot to dump on someone when she knows you probably need the job. Not too ethical and very presumptuous.
