Is This Controlling Behavior? What Should I Do?

Once you mentioned gun, we go from controlling to abusive. Only she can change her situation, but if there is a way for you to stay in her life and model HEALTHY relationships and keep reminding her of how not normal this is, maybe it'll influence things. Perhaps contact the local women's shelter and ask what you can do as a friend of someone in a situation like this. You need to be safe if you think he's dangerous, but she needs a friend and to see a way out if possible. Professional guidance on how you can help her without pushing her away may work for both of you in the end.

Your friend is in an abusive relationship. The gun thing is beyond scary -- my God.

His interactions with you via her phone are symptoms of his abusive behavior, but I think they're minor in comparison to what she has to live with and what her kids have to see growing up.

Really, if it's remotely possible, talk to her (in person, not via text) and tell her you need to talk to her about something very hard, but you're concerned for her safety and you think she should get out of this marriage and away from this man. She may not jump on this the first time, but however you can, try to let her know that this is not normal in a marriage and she doesn't have to put up with it, any of it, at all -- and there are ways (shelters and the like) she can get out. I really hope she does.

It sounds like your friend's husband is abusive. I would hand my friend a hotline number and say, "This is not the way you need to live." It is very hard for someone to break free if they've accepted behavior like that as normal. She will need counseling for herself.

ETA: I do agree with many posters that reaching out and having that hard conversation with your friend *might* be a good idea. However, I would caution you to be very thoughtful about this? Does this friend of yours seem to have a lot of drama in her life usually? Does she seem like she might take what you said back to him in a moment of anger? ("P. M. said you're an abusive bastard...") The reason I bring this up is that he has already shone poor judgment and violent behavior, and I would not want him to bring this on you in retaliation, both to prove his point to her that he's in charge and to scare you. Your friend has made her decision(s)--just saw your SWH-- I don't think your concern will change her mind.

""Hey I want to apologize for my husband. He knows better and that's not acceptable."

First, it's not an apology. It's an apology from her, but not from him. It's just her way of flailing at some sort of damage control.
Second, he does things he 'knows better' not to do regularly. Pointing a gun in someone's face is certainly in that category.

Too much drama for a healthy friendship.

What I would do: the friendship needs to take a break. Me being me, I'd tell my friend straight up: "I love you, but I will not be calling or texting you any more. Your husband is attacking me personally and you might choose to be in a relationship with this guy, but I didn't ask to. I don't want to. And I am tired of you making excuses for his behavior toward me. You can make all the excuses you want for how he treats you--which is abusive, and you need to get some help-- but you cannot expect me to ride with this any more."

You may lose the friendship. She's unwilling to save herself and she's unwilling to draw the line. This may also be the wake-up call she needs-- that you are fed up and can't pretend any more. I'm sorry-- it always hurts to lose a friend and I am sure you are more than worried about her. But she is the one who most needs to worry about herself and that's just not happening. I hope you can find a place of peace around this.

Definitely a control freak.
If she's a good friend, though, I wouldn't abandon her.
That's his goal.
If she's a very good friend, let her know your couches are available if she ever needs them in a hurry....

Don't abandon her.

That's what this jerk wants.

But tell her that he's abusive every time she has to apologize, and that you don't appreciate him abusing YOU as well as her. Don't tell her in a text. Call her. Even if your kids scream. I would stop texting her. I agree with another poster - you should just tell her you never know if you're talking to her or him, and while she may choose to engage with an abuser, you don't.

Watch carefully to see if he ever sends anything that crosses a line to indicate violence. If she references the gun again, for example. You may need to call the police in that case, or CPS, for the sake of the child. At the VERY least, you need you give her the number for a women's shelter.

But if you can no longer handle the drama this guy brings to your life, I would let her know that you will always be there for her, and she can contact you at ANY time if she needs help, but that you find her husband to be toxic and you don't want that in your life. Then, if she texts you random, regular things, ignore them. Don't give her husband things to use against her.

I'm sorry you're going through this. It sounds awful. My heart breaks for her little boy.

I think you should contact a domestic violence hotline and start sending her ALL of their literature and contact info - ASAP. Call as many in her area that you can find and send her links on her cell phone and literature in the mail.

Then you'll probably have to change your number so he won't come over and demand blow jobs from you too.

What would I do? I would totally cut off all communication with her via text or phone. I would either communicate w/her in person or an email address he has no access to.

I certainly wouldn't cut off my friendship with her. She may need you one day down the road.

I would drop the friendship.

That guy's nuts. I wouldn't be able to be her friend, with him on the scene.

ETA -- Okay, changed my mind after reading a few other responses. I guess you can't abandon her. But I would definitely stop texting her. Tell her you need another way to contact her, that that jerk isn't privy to.

There's not much you can do until SHE'S fed up with living like that.
She might stay with him till one of them dies of old age.
She's using you as someone to vent to, but she doesn't want anything to really change.
She SHOULD talk to a real counselor but she's got to want to change her life and change is often a hard struggle - not everyone is up for it.
It's got to be frustrating for you to hear about all this and have her always go back to him for more of the same.
At some point you may start to feel she's a lost cause.
It's up to you how close you stay to her and for how long.

too much drama. If she is too good of a friend that you dont' want to drop her friendship, start emailing her instead, that way she can do it when he's not around and you can just do it once a day. Not as fun I know but what is happening now would be too much for me.