My son was 4 in March. I thought he was a joy at age 3, especially after the terrible 2's. Lately he is making me crazy! He has hissy fits and huge dramatic meltdowns, whenever the smallest thing doesn't go his way. And it just snowballs throughout the day. Also, he pitches major fits about what he wears. I took him along to select his summer clothes, HE picked them out, and now he HATES them and we battle every morning. I finally just physically hold him down and forcefully dress him. I am tired and frustrated. He seems to be acting more babyish NOW than last year! His little playmates (2 year old girls) can take him on, and he comes crying! That's a bit embarrassing. Any advice?
Thanks.
I happened to finish some classes I was taking and can spend more time at home really 'cracking down' on some less than desirable behavior that I fear his dad was not quite as on top of as I would have been. And I started to get more creative with my approach. He is into 'science stuff' lately... dinosaurs and Mythbusters and outerspace and such...so when I got frustated about stuff not going his way, I made it into a game, such as "let's not get upset, we're scientists. How would a scientist deal with it? We would experiment to find the solution. Should we do this? Or try that? What ideas do YOU have?" And I signed him up for a preschool type program with other kids his age, rather than the parttime daycare where he is the oldest. The 'brain damaged' advice is what REALLY clicked for me and helped me stay calm. Thanks so much!!!
Hi. I'm not very experienced, but I wanted to ask if you have tried time outs? I hear that is very effective. My daughter is 3 and 1/2 and I'm not looking forward to what you are describing, but I know it's coming! Good luck!
Ahhhh 4! I don't know why people say that 2's are terrible. 4 is way worse, based on my experience! I used to say, "I never met a 4-year-old I would voluntarily spend time with, even my own!" :) I have teenagers now, so I lived through it. You will, too. I think that 4 is a big developmental milestone. They are gaining so much control, and there are so many more things coming their way now that they are a little older. They aren't babies anymore, yet they aren't big kids, either. I think that sensory overload gets to them. And, of course, they are so little. They have no sense of time at all. They can't grasp that something they decided on a week ago, like the clothes they chose on a shopping trip, has any bearing on anything that happens now. It's a funny comparison, but kids sometimes have to be treated like brain injury patients. Time, space, relationships -- all those things that go out of kilter when you have a severe blow to the head, are out of kilter in children, too. The good news is that they are learning and building brain connections all the time.
Try limiting his decision-making to just two selections whenever possible. Know that he's going to "forget" that he loved something previously, and that there will probably be meltdowns. Keep to a schedule so that day after day, a familiar routine will help anchor his world. And you know the song that so many moms sing over and over again, "Be consistent." Be consistent, be as patient as you can, take breaks when you can to recharge. The hard work you do setting boundaries and teaching self-discipline will pay off later down the road. The little guys can take in only so much. It's really not the time for them to be making lots and lots of decisions. Try to keep his life simple and age appropriate, and when he is older, he will have learned all the basics in decision-making, and will make you proud when he truly has to manage his own time and make important decisions as a teenager.
Oh! And I don't want to forget! Don't ever put up with disrespectful behavior. If he has a meltdown or calls you names or whatever, choose a consistent consequence like time out. Hang in there, be calm and always mean business. In calm moments, talk about what your expectations are for his behavior. And follow through when the brain-injury scenarios happen. :)
You can do it. Believe me, I'm impatient and now that I'm older, I think I recognize oppositional-defiant traits in myself. The years when my children were little were the most difficult and exhausting years of my life. But with people supporting me and telling me that I was doing the right thing, I kept at it, and it truly did pay off. I never had to deal with all the craziness that people warn about during the teenage years. Work hard now, and you'll be very glad you did.
My little sister would do this with clothes. My mom just ended up putting her in the car naked and putting one outfit in the car and she would eventually get dressed because she wouldnt want to go anywhere naked. I guess it only works if he is embarassed about not having clothes on.
I think its normal. My oldest is 6 1/2 and she went threw that at 5. I think they do things to test us and their independance. The key is to remain calm but have set limits. Good luck!
Wow L., it's crazy bc I am having the same thing with my two and a half year old girl. Your situation is exactly the same. I find that if I don't feed into her tantrums she eventually stops. And one thing I can say is if he is not hurting himself or you and he's not disrespecting anyone, than let him have his tantrum. Just stay near by. When my daugter does this I will usually sit near her and let her have her tantrum. I think that some kids take a little longer to learn to deal with frustration. Esecially when something doesn't go their way. I think if you perservere. The problem will resolve itself. Good luck!
My 5 year old exhibits this type of behavior when he is not getting enough attention. He is with me and his father on weekends, and with his mother during the week. We had a daughter over a year ago and that was a huge change for him. He begins to act like a baby, crying over every little thing, starting fights with his brothers, claiming that he can't do things that he actually can do simply b/c he is not getting the consistent attention that he needs. With 5 kids all competing for our attention and only 2 days a week, it is difficult to give him the attention that he needs, but I have found that spending even an hour with him, one on one, just doing something that he likes, helps. And giving him manageable chores, like wiping off the table, or taking his clothes to the laundry room, followed by lots of praise really curbs his bad behavior b/c he is getting the attention in a positive way and it makes him want to get more of that "positive" attention. This has worked for us for about a year now, and he still does have episodes, but we realize what the problem is now and address it. My husband also needs great prodding in order to deal with him as he should. He tends to think that the issue is just matter of our son misbehaving and disregards the underlying issues. Once he saw the results of my techniques though he has come around and really makes an effort o find that one-on-one time.
Go get the book "1-2-3 Magic" It's absolutely priceless. It works and it works fast. I thought counting was a real stupid thing to do with a child. But the author breaks it down for you and gives you tons of scenarios to show you how to make it work. It has done wonders with my kids. I really think it could help you with yours.
That behavior issue is with any kids. Start taking away privileges. Instead of having him pick out his own clothes, you pick it out. Show him you're still the boss and he is the child. Keep consistantly doing it, he'll eventually get the point. Don't be afraid that you're a bad mom, some kids need tough love. Speaking from a point of view of raising five boys and a crazy 4 year old girl. lol
