Why do I feel that I need to know the truth, and all of the details when I found out my husband was trying to cheat on me? I posted a few days ago a post about him cheating. We have talked A LOT since I caught him. We agreed to both give 100% into our marriage, and our family. No more lies, no more sneaking around hiding things, no more late nights. Of course, this is all him doing these things, but, after so many years, it is hard to just throw away something. I thought things were good, I guess they were not good enough for him. Anyway, my last post was very lengthy if you want to read that, but, here is my dilemma.
Him and his "friend" both swear nothing happened. But, he admitted to me that he would have liked for something to happen, and, he did try to kiss her. They have been texting repeatedly since January, so, I asked him WHEN he tried to kiss her, and how much they hung out since this attempted kiss. More happened since I asked my first question also. Such as, he sent her an email stating that he would miss her. I had promised him the other day that I would move on, and never bring it up again. But, I have been so sick, making me physically sick, over all of this that I finally confronted him on the email today. He said that was the last thing he sent her, and that it was true, but, he really wants to try to salvage what we have. I guess maybe that was closure for what might have been with her? He said she would not kiss him because of us, and our family. But, I still feel this nagging need to know everything. I want the whole truth. I feel like I cannot move forward with him until he spills his guts to me about what they did, what they talked about SO FREAKING MUCH, and, where all they hung out and how much they hung out. He asked me why I need to know all of the details, when they will just hurt me, and, I really cannot say why???
Does this mean that it is not possible for me to move on with him? Has too much damage been done? I don't know why I need to know. And it is killing me. I just sit here sick, my stomach turning, nervous, and crying all of the time. Why do I want to torture myself more with the ugly details?
Has anyone ever been in this situation and been able to move past it? I just don't see myself being able to do so in the near future without him talking to me about why he did and what all he did, including what he talked to her about so much. How long did it take you to get over the feeling of needing to know?
Thanks. :(
I should add also that there has been no more communication with her since the email, and, he has been with me or my kids every waking moment. We work together, so, I can vouch for that.
Thanks everyone. We are going to attempt counseling and therapy. I don't know, from where I stand right now, if I will be able to put this behind me. I feel like he thinks I'm an idiot he can just lie to.
As far as why I want things to work, I believe in family and commitment. I believe that love doesn't just die off, I think the fire dies if it is not fed, but it doesn't mean it cannot be brought back. When I see me in 50 years, I see me holding hands with him. He saw that once also, and I cannot give up I guess on what we once had. It will be hard, for both of us, but, for the sake of our family and what could be, I see it worth trying to see if we can be saved.
Marriage counseling...You need it bad...both of you..Like you I would want to know everything. A counselor can best guide you through the angry and sad time and help you heal and hopefully reconnect.
I would want to know everything as well! You deserve to know, and he owes it to you to at least tell you if you really want to know.
Let's see, he's lied, been sneaking around, tried to kiss and wished that more had happened with this woman. Then they both minimize it by insisting that "nothing happened". I guess that depends on your definition of "nothing".
No wonder you can't move on. It doesn't sound like your husband is taking full responsibility for his part in it. He wants to just agree to give 100% to your marriage from now on and forget about the past. How easy for him!
It takes a long time to trust someone again. If your husband is serious about giving you 100% of himself, then he must be willing to work to regain your trust. Hopefully this includes going to counseling with you and being completely honest so you can see he means what he says.
When this happened to a friend of mine she was just like you-she wanted to know every single thing and was obsessed with it. For some reason this was really important. She and her husband went through counseling and it helped them a ton. They are stronger than ever now. You might really want to try that. It really helps to have a third party help you to figure out things.
My husband and I went through this several years ago. He actually did cheat. It went on for awhile, the lying, sneaking, phone calls, etc. Finally, he received an ultimatum from me and chose to stay with me and make it work. I also had a nagging feeling of wanting to know everything, but knowing that if I did know, it would only drive me crazy if I wanted to really get past everything. I don't know how long it lasted, but I know he was completely transparent to me about everything for as long as I needed him to be. We worked through it. I know that some couples are not able to get past it. We were lucky to be able to save our marriage. I hope that you, too, can hang in there, be strong, hold on to your love for one another and trudge through it together. I wish I had better advice to give, but I wish you all the luck in the world. *hugs*
Thank you for letting us know, I will pray that your marriage is not only restored, but will grow stronger with love and respect and that you two will be happy and grow old together. It won't be easy, but if both are committed deeply, it will be worth it. May God bless and keep your family always.
If you and your man want to save your marriage, consider the word RESTORE rather then SALVAGE.
About the pain you are experiencing, all your emotions are very understandable. When you have been betrayed or suffer great loss, you will cry and be angry and hurt for a long time. Sometimes when you think you are getting better, you will cry again and all the feelings will just surface. Sometimes you will just burst into tears.
The good news is IF you and your husband are BOTH committed to restoration, things will get better and your marriage will be RESTORED. It's a long process.....remember the "for better or worse" thing?
As for wanting to know the details of the other woman: was she prettier, thinner, better in bed all those things...that's something that some women want to know.....Personally, I would not need any more salt poured into some very, obviously OPEN wounds. But this is something between you and your man.
I will pray for your marriage and family.
Blessings...
I needed to know too, and it still bother me to this day (4+ years since discovery) that I still don't know *everything*. My guy has never even copped to when it started. Seriously, you can't tell me if it began before or after our WEDDING? Just thinking about it gets me fired up again. I can't tell you how many times I have literally stood there screaming at him (sometimes with one of our many therapists, sometimes just the two of us) things like "you mean to tell me that you don't F-ing know whether or not you started screwing your ex-gf while were were engaged or after the wedding? I'm supposed to really believe that you don't recall while you were standing at the alter whether or not your vows were a lie?" At one point I realized that everything I knew, everything he told me was what *I* had discovered and what *I* told *him*. It's maddening. And you want and need to know because you were lied to, repeatedly. You need to know because he has been dishonest with you. As part of winning you back, he needs to be able to tell you every detail that you want to hear. None of this "I don't remember" or "why do you need to know?" BS. If you want to know, he has to tell you. I regret not asking my husband to leave when I found out. If you think he's being less than forthcoming, tell him to leave and come back when he's really ready to get through all of this, even the ugly and uncomfortable parts. Yes, he should be squirming. No, he does not have a right to privacy, even in his head.
You should read the book "After the Affair." It's a great guide for both of you in how to move forward in the aftermath of cheating. Marriagebuilders.com in another good resource, and please get into counseling. I've never really gotten past that which he "can't remember" or won't tell me, so I've assumed the worst and that became my truth. The only time he really argued with one of my assumptions is when I told him that I just figured that he had never been faithful and had been seeing her the whole time were were dating and engaged and he swore up and down that that wasn't true, that he was faithful when he proposed. So you may have to try that - share with him all of your worst case scenarios and let him correct your assumptions.
Yes, you can move on but I won't lie to you, it's hard as hell. In the beginning, you have to make a decision every day to stay, just for today. To maintain your sanity, just for today. To be the mom your kids need you to be, to go about your business and uphold your commitments, just for today. And tomorrow, you decide all over again. Eventually, the physical, visceral reactions go away. Hearing or seeing something about cheating in the media won't make you want to cry or vomit. The sight of your husband having the nerve to laugh or relax or look happy won't make you want to scream "cheater" to the whole world and scratch his eyes out. Eventually, you'll stop checking his phone and his e-mail and will trust that he is going where he says he is going. It's all in time - a long time, for sure, but you'll get there if you want to.
GL!
I am SO sorry you're going through this! I never have, but I imagine that if I did, I too would want to know EVERYTHING.
I think it has to get worse before it can get better. You have to know everything so that there's no more suprises; so you can start to heal. It's kind of like ripping off a bandage: if you do it a little at a time (and in your situation find out tidbits of info here and there) it just prolongs the pain. But if you rip it off quickly (for you, getting ALL the details upfront), then the pain is more intense, but you can begin to heal quicker. Plus, I think your mind will create *much* worse than what actually happened. And maybe you feel like by him not telling you everything, he's still lying about it and still can't be trusted.
I would very strongly recomment counselling; individual and couples. I hope things work out they way you want them to.
The problem as I see it is......... he didn't stop because he wanted to.. he stopped doing it because you wanted him to do as such.. otherwise, I well imagine if he had not been busted, he wouldn't have stopped.... to me, the questions that need to be asked of him is... ok, what needs were you trying to fulfill by possibly having an affair.. now when I say what needs, I don't mean to imply that YOU weren't doing something in your relationship with him. In fact , that isn't what I am saying at all.. what I am suggesting is this.. in this case, you busted him... and if he doesn't work on what brought him to cheating in the first place, honestly.. I don't see this relationship as being corrected... the cheating (and I do consider "emotional" as cheating) is more than just the act of cheating.. it's much bigger than that, just as drinking for a drunk is much more than holding a bottle of booze up to your mouth and taking a swig.. In my opinion, I don't think it's gonna be an easy haul getting over what happened and by you swearing that you'd never bring it up again is letting him off the hook so easily................ you have a right to be pissed off and hurt and can't be expected to just shut up and move on.. I am not saying linger in your thoughts but I definitely think this kind of situation may need a third party to help remedy matters.. Truly, I say try out couple's therapy... you, need support for yourself and sounds to me like this guy needs some help of his own.. Also, yes... do I think one can forgive and forget.. sure.. but in reality, that's only after people work through their feelings.... you have a right to feel hurt.......... Again, I say try the counseling... I find that an objective party can really be helpful..
best of luck
it's perfectly natural. i think most of us would be right there with you. but you are wise to realize that yes, it WOULD hurt and torture you more. you would play and replay them again and again in your mind.
don't expect that you will get over this quickly. the bond between you has been so badly damaged. give yourself time, and be gentle with yourself.
i do think it's best to abstain from ferreting out every last detail. but i don't think it's wrong of you to be kinda fixated on it.
{{{{{{{{{}}}}}}}}}
khairete
S.
My heart breaks for you.
I think you need to know every detail because you have been betrayed, and need to make sure there's nothing else you don't know. He's made you a crazy person! Who can blame you? Wether or not anything got physical, he still cheated. Emotionally. And he TRIED to kiss this woman. He's got a LONG way to go to earn your trust, and he should be doing WHATEVER you ask of him. He owes that to you.
Regardless of everything, you need to do what is best for you and your heart. I understand not wanting to throw away a marriage. But if you can't get past this, you can't. If you can great. I can't imagine how you must feel. My former fiance cheated on me, hence former. But I can't imagine what it would be like to go through this with my husband. You are supposed to be able to trust them completely. Good luck, I wish you the best!!!
I'm so sorry you're going through this. I read your other post and my biggest concern if i was in your shoes, from reading what you said, is the fact that SHE cut ties with him.
What if SHE decides she misses him and wants to reconnect what happens then??
Will he say yes??
Will you go through all of this pain again??
I would just want to make sure that he is not staying with you JUST because she told him NO. He might be thinking, ok she's off limits so i don't want to lose both women. Just a thought. His initial reaction of saying he doesn't love you anymore also points this way. He might have told her you both were seperated or getting a divorce. That would explain why she no longer wants to talk to him because maybe she didn't know he was fully married with kids and all. Not excusing her behavior but it's a possibility.
Was he thinking the both of them would ride off into the sunset together and then when that didn't happen he decided to give his marriage '100%'??
As far as wanting to know everything yes i would too and it would drive me nuts not to know. It would be hard for me to believe they were just talking in the trailor at 2am. They both might be trying to spare your feelings by saying nothing else happened. But you deserve to know. Either way i wish you the best of luck.
Try not to get all the details, don't torture yourself. what you need to know is the gist. Did they kiss, yes or no. Touching? Yes or no. Forget about specifics, those really stick in your brain. Go for basics so you know what you are up against. I think thats great he's willing to work on your marriage. And just the fact that he came clean that he wanted to do stuff with her, because you allready know that to be the case. Sounds like he's being honest, just not wanting to hurt you more than necessary. My parents marriage survived an affair and it took 2 years to really get over it. Best of luck.
You should really consider a counselor to help the both of you work through this. You are hurt, you want answers - he has been " caught" and probably feels defensive. Hopefully for you and him that it was a mistake and you can move forward but it might really take help to get the communication right.
Of course you want to know every detail - the man of your life abused hius freedom and privacy to hurt you. Knowing he would have continued if the 'friend' allowed it is even worse!
He should be happy to 'spill his guts' and tell you the truth of everything if that is what you feel you need to help you close this chapter and move on. You need to tell him this is part of what you need to heal and hopefully move on. If he's unwilling to give that small part to you - I'd truly wonder about his integrity and purpose in fixing the huge rift he caused his family.
Not knowing is worse than knowing everything - for MOST people. Some prefer to be in denial or ignorance - you and I are not one of those people.
ugh I'm sorry...I went through something similar...well it went on for years before the marriage and then he only admitted to the emotional afair for years with the same girl after...i couldn't get past it...not because of the phyiscial but because of all of the lies...and we had no solid ground to work from....i needed to know everything and it made it worse....I couldn't stop picturing it...if you want to work on things..do a marriage weekend and counseling...and you need to have some heart to hearts and determine how you both failed the marriage and things that need to be better...you cant J. be resentful and only want him to change..YES he was a jerk and broke vows but something made him unhappy...you need to work on that together...and get closer and fall i love again...date nights and counseling are in order...and spice it up a little when ypu're at that stage...maybe start dating again...and work up to the bedroom...
You both need to go to counseling, both alone and together. When I found out about my husbands affair I had this need to know everything, even though all it did was hurt more and more. Eventually I was able to move past it all, and 2 years later we are still together and very happy, and much more open and honest with each other, but we never would have gotten here alone, our counselor helped us so much and saved our marriage.
I think you do deserve to know what he was thinking... why he was trying so hard with this woman.. how he felt about the rejection from her,... yes, he should tell you those things. What did they talk about... all important things to know how he got involved and went down this path in the first place and how it ultimately stopped. How can he not face the truth of his actions and make sure it doesn't happen again and realize how it is affecting you without him be totally up front and honest?
Really, I think you two need to work this out together in therapy. And YES, your marriage CAN be salvaged!
M. L,
First I would say that you both need to seek marriage counseling. It's for the best. AND, I don't blame you for the way your feeling, it's normal, I would probably feel the same if I was in your situation. I don't know If I have read your other post's about this, there has been soo many post's about this situation lately on here and it breaks my heart! The fact that the both of you are trying to work things out and forget the past is a GREAT thing! BUT...he also need's to know that he has lost your trust and has alot of work to do in order for him to re-gain your trust again. One thing thats extremely important in a relationship is being open and honest and if you feel the need to find out where and when he has met up with her and if he has had any intimate relations with her then he should "try" to be honest, BUT, he probably does'nt want to because he knows that it will only hurt you, also don't blame him on that, So I would definately consider counseling and try to somewhat understand what it was that he wanted from cheating. I am seeing and hearing about alot of women/men cheating on their spouses, I don't know if it has to do with the economy or may just be something in the air? I don't know, I hope and pray that things work out for the best for you and your family...
Well, I think you deserve the truth and you really need to know what happened to see if you can even move on from it. He was lying and sneaking around, so Im sure hes not going to come out and tell you what really happened. And Please, she wouldnt kiss him because hes married? Yeah right, shes having a relationship with a married man, sounds like she had TONS of morals. Im sorry but if I married man hit on me I would be disgusted and it would never go further. Otherwise, Im sorry but thats a homewrecker. Ummm STD's is another factor. If she had "relations" with married men, who knows what or who else shes doing.
Sorry, I dont mean to upset you, but people like that make me SO mad! You deserve to know everything!
The truth is important because you haven't heard it and you feel that he hasn't been completely honest since he's held back the details. Will hearing those details make you feel better? probably not. Will you still think he's not told you everything? possibly. Will you be able to trust him going forward? time will tell.
No one can say what is right for you in this situation. Some can know the details and let them go. Others would obsess over them and not be able to let them go. Either way, knowing the details or not, you need to decide if you will ever be able to LET IT GO. If you work things out and stay together, you can't bring it up when you fight or are mad at him because that means you never really forgave him and therefore never got past it. If you can let it go and not throw it in his face, then you may be able to work it out. It's great that he wants to work things out but the ball really is in your court.
Either way, I suggest counseling. Do be sure he knows if you work things out, trust will need to be earned and not given easily.
you want to know more because you KNOW that he and this chick have been doing alot more then he is telling you. to him the lure is that he wants to be with this chick so much that the obsession has slowly taken over his life. my best advice, let him be with her, literally. tell him to get her to iron his shirts, and pick up his laundry and run his errands while she is at it.give it six months, you sleep on the couch, and he gets this chick out of his system, within six months, he will get bored, she will get pregnant and your children will be throughly disgusted with him and you will have plenty of evidence to file for divorce due to an affair. you give a guy enough rope and he will hang himself.
K. h.
He has to EARN your trust back. You're both going to need counseling - big time. Not just about WHAT happened, but WHY it happened. Did it fulfil some deep down emotional need he has? Maybe it's a need he's not even aware of (validation he didn't get as a child or adult - who knows?). It may have nothing to do with what may or may not be missing from your relationship with him or it might have been the result of something he's not getting or is afraid to actually ask for. I'm guessing you might not be getting what you need from your marriage either. Counseling is a good place to sort everything out - especially what YOU NEED to happen in order to move on. It is possible if BOTH of you are willing to be honest and will work together to build your relationship back. The very best of luck to you - hang in there and remember that this could have absolutely nothing to do with you. It could just stem from past issues on his part.
I think you want to know because you want to understand what she had that you didn't so you can emulate that. I mean I know I would LOVE to have 100 plus texts with my husband a day! What did she have that got that treatment and love? If that is the reason you need to explain that to him.
Also, it seems that the only reason that he is staying is because she blocked him on facebook, and blocked his phone number. Ummmm, Why didn't HE do that 1st? Seems like if she had wanted to run away with him, he would have been game and you would be left alone.
What you are feeling is very, very normal but if he complies, it won't help at all. It won't help for 2 reasons 1) at this point, you won't be sure he is telling you everything because your trust is at the lowest level possible and 2) whatever he tells you will just give you more images to dwell on. My husband actually did have an affair - with his "soulmate" and all that BS. I thought I wanted every detail and he told me lots. Didn't help at all. Just keeps you in victim mode which is not a place you want to get comfortable. You haven't done anything wrong and you don't want to be a victim. Continue to work on your relationship with him, try not to dwell on it all the time, and most importantly, figure out what your expectations and boundaries are. By that I mean if you need him to take you out once a week, if you need him to call you every day, if you need more affection, or if you need him to leave for a few weeks. Don't think about what happened between he and this girl, think about what you want your relationship with him to be. Figure out your needs and tell him this is the way it's going to be. Then he needs to prove he can meet your relationship needs.
Of course you want to know everything. You were betrayed. I don't think you can ever forget. The question is, can you forgive him. Like truly, honestly, never thinking about it. We both know the answer to that. I also know why you have not gotten out of this marriage: it's the kids, and the idea of what it was, or you thought it was, and what could it have been. Do you realize, these are all options that they either were in the past, or they could never be. Whatever is to come is only up to you. Not him, not you and him, just you. What do you want? Let's say you hear all the gory details. Let's say you learn it all. Then what? You will hurt more. Don't stop asking him to fess up. In meantime, spend some time with yourself. Find out if this is what you truly want for yourself. Not for the sake of the children. His emotional affair was not your fault. That is the road he chose.
His last email to her was disrespectful to you. He will miss her. What does that mean? Does it mean 'wish this weren't stopping.' Does it mean, I long for you? Does it mean, I am not happy where I have to be right now?
While you ask him all the questions, ask some questions to yourself too. Eventually, everything will be clear, whether to stay with him, or move on.
Can I ask, why do you continue to stay? Is it because you've invested your life into him, and it's been so long you feel like you might as well stay? (BAD reason.) Is it because you don't like the idea of being alone? (BAD reason.) Is it because you love him? (Love from YOU, is not enough to make a marriage work.) Is it because you feel you can't do any better? (BAD reason.) Is it because, you somehow feel you deserve to be treated like this? (BAD reason, and not true.)
I mean, WHY is it you stay? So far...and I'm so sorry to sound this harsh...you don't really give a reason. You BOTH need counseling badly, because as far as I can tell you're just staying so you don't have to leave. I can't figure out why the heck he stays, since his actions have only shown he doesn't want to. We can't help you through this. You together can't make it through this alone.. I think you know he is still lying about how far it went. I think you know he's not REALLY invested. I think you know you don't WANT to stay. GET HELP.
Therapy and/or counseling! Both could really help you and your husband. Your situation is ideal for it. I wish you the very best, and I hope that you can overcome this!
I agree with Sharon. You're gonna need some counseling to deal with this. And you can't be his "warden" every minute of every day. I think counseling would help. Go together, and if he won't go--you go by yourself!
I wouldnt want to know all the details, it would be harder for me to forgive him with all that in my memory. and, like you i would want to forgive and work on my marriage. If you truly want to work on your marriage you need to but it behind you, really behind you, and move forward not backwards.
Everyone is different. Really think about it, and if you are SURE you want to know and can handle what he tells you, then I think you should stipulate that as part of moving forward, you need to know. You do have a right to ask him for what you want, if he is determined to work things out with you.
I don't necessarily think knowing everything is healthy, but I also believe that not knowing might haunt you indefinitely. Also, the devil you know is almost always better than the devil you don't know.
What did they talk about?? Remember, when people are infatuated, before they actually get to know each other and find out the boring truth, they talk about any dumb thing and it sounds interesting. Don't overestimate the content of their conversations.
If you feel you need to know, then tell him that's part of the deal. HE does not get to determine what will or will not hurt you, and what you should or should not hear.
The truth is a huge deal. He lied and continued to lie, and being uncomfortable with being open and honest and answering your questions makes me wonder what else he's hiding. While you go to couple's counseling, go to individual counseling on your own too.
As for "getting over" needing to know everything, you get over it when you feel you can trust him again. And you trust him when you trust him which is when he earns it back. He needs to be transparent, which means you have to be allowed to know all of his passwords and accounts. You get to check his cell phone, e-mail, Facebook, texts, credit cards, and anything else you please daily if you want to. If he doesn't like that, then he shouldn't have been transparent enough to get caught.
And of course you don't trust him. You CAUGHT him. You caught him before it got physical, but I'll be honest that an emotional affair is worse to me than a physical one and it still counts as cheating. It's up to you what to do next, and not to leave it all up to him. Don't put yourself in a position where you allow him to have the power and he's choosing to stay or go. Make it either a joint decision or you be the one to decide if he stays or goes. You've earned that.
Perhaps this statement below justifies why you need to know the exact details of the details that he KNOWS will hurt you.
"He asked me why I need to know all of the details, when they will just hurt me,"
Please don't confuse spending every waking moment with him as closure. Please don't. I am not going to give advice, suggest, and so on, but I will say all you have is self-esteem holding you together and it has been compromised and you are vulnerable. Don't be taken for granted. :o)
However, the one question I would ask is, at what point did you stop feeling satisfied at home and why didn't you COMMUNICATE to me about what you were feeling?
This really hits home for me. Its embarassing to admit, but this same thing happened to me. My husband and I had only been married 2 years but together 7. He had an emotional affair with someone from work. Mostly cellphone realtionship, but it wasnt right. I know exactly how you feel, I was emotionally drained for months, we had just had our second daughter and when I found out she was only 6 months old. So not only was I probably a little post-partdum....I mean WOW. I lost weight, I slept all day, I stayed up all night crying while he slept. I mean I was burned bad and I kept blaming myself. I found out over Thanksgiving weekend. It was a real eye opener for our relationship. I was so much like you I kept bringing it up and wanting to know the truth the "whole" truth. No matter what he said it was never enough. Which till this day I dont know if I ever recieved. But I think that, that was Gods way of protecting me. I was so damaged. So depressed and hurt. Even thinking about it makes me sick again. But afterall the hurt and pain...and "need to know" stuff...many tears, yelling and some wonderful counseling we are in a better place. A fabolous place, actually.
Counseling is key. You need a third neutral party in there to hear both sides and to help you both deal with the situation. I will admit the affair was his fault but I didnt give much to my relationship either at that time. We were completely disconnected. I know its weird to say but it made our relationship stronger. Well Im stronger now, too. I know I am strong enough to know that, that was completely uncalled for and he will never do that to me again. I am worth more. I am a good wife and mother. If he cant see that, then I feel sorry for him. But he wouldnt. We have our disconnect moments when life gets in the way....and we always seem to find our way back. We have been together almost 14 years now. I am greatful we are where we are today. You need to realize that you both need help, and if you both want to make this work than it will be worth it all, I promise. You need time and reassurance. Constant reassurance. He needs to reassure you when you have your insecure moments. Counseling will either help make it work or not. The path you chose is up to you both. One thing the counselor told us to do is get a journal and everytime I felt insecure or just wanted to show him love I wrote it down. It was "our" own private journal. I would write to him and he would write back to me and so forth. It really helped. I still have it, as a reminder that we arent perfect and that people make mistakes. I forgave him along time ago. I will never forget, and thats ok. Because as long as you both are willing to fight....it will stay away alot longer than you think. Good Luck, dear. Keep your head up, God is testing you and I believe you will prevail.
Much hugs and love sent your way. If you need a shoulder I am here.
It is a big deal to you and should be because the emotional affair that occurred matters more than the fact they didn't go far physically. Women will often feel the pain of the emotional affair far more than the physicall one where men will feel the opposite. You are completely justified in feeling angry that he is not seeing the impact the emotional affair is having on you--he seems to want to brush it aside, which would completely piss me off if I were in your shoes.
I don't know if this is a repeat but I just wanted to say that the talking thing was most likely 95% stuff you know and have known for years. This thing that happened was new and shiny and not real, it was alluring you know? I remember when my hubs and I met we would talk for hours on end. Telling each other thoughts about everything, about our pasts etc. We don't talk that way now bc I know what the man is thinking almost all the time!LOL Now we have deeper intimacy where just a look or certain gesture can convey a whole thought process. He didn't give this woman anything you don't have, he just gave her what belongs to you and it sounds like he is sorry. I so hope you guys can get through it bc I can see that you are a real fighter. It sounds like you are holding it together as best you can and doing all you can, so just hang in there. As far as the details, I can almost guarantee you know them...it's just he gave away what was sacred between you two and now it takes time to rebuild. I think you want to know bc you want everything back, everything he handed off to some chick, you want it all back just for you. I think that is so normal, but no amount of explaining will fix it, I think as you two try and work it out a new level of trust will form and it will repair the hurt that has been done. I wish you the best and commend you for sticking in there...it sure isn't easy. Take care!
